I'm obviously going to dump him but...

[BalmyNights]

I've been seeing someone for about 4 months. It's not serious. It could have been but over the past few weeks, I've realised that he has an issue with the fact I'm not young, slim and beautiful.

We went out to the pub to meet some friends last night and he nearly clipped the kerb because he was staring at two young women, barely out of their teens, on the other side of the road. I've noticed him 'looking' at much younger women a couple of times previously. He always seems to be hoping and waiting for them to turn around and get some acknowledgement that he's not 'past it'.

It's disrespectful to me, disrespectful to them and makes him look like an idiot. I'm not jealous or heartbroken, I just feel embarrassed for him.

What is going on in his head? (Rhetorical question, I know the answer.)

He'd rather be single forever and chase the impossible dream that a women in her 20s will fall for him. She won't.

@CandidaAlbicans2

Although I don't expect men I'm dating to only have eyes for me I do expect them to be discreet about it when in my company and to behave as though they do. Surely this is just respectful behaviour, and I'd take ogling other women in my presence as a sign of disrespect. Sod that. I wasn't cool with it when I was 16 and told my then BF off (he leaned across me to ogle other girls!), and I'm even less cool with it now I'm in my 50s.

Exactly! All this justification based on not being young anymore is rubbish. These guys ogled other teens in front of their teenage girlfriend when they were teens.

Honestly OP, be vigilant in only surrounding yourself with emotionally secure people. I will not allow myself to be measured by someone else's assessment of what my rating out of ten is.

Excellent advice from candida , keep your standards high OP and surround yourself with people who respect you and don’t think women’s primary value is her youth and appearance ( that includes men and women )

I sympathize though OP, it is extremely unpleasant to be subjected to. There is another thread about a poster with a long-term partner doing this and she's wondering if she's right to feel upset.

I explained on that my own DP behaved like this in the early days. Even thinking about it now annoys me. He stopped after I told him very very clearly how unattractive I found it. I don't think most people should bother 'educating' them, the only reason I tried was because really he had pretty much everything else I looked for in a partner. And he stopped. But I'm not excusing it because it royally pissed me off.

This guy sounds like an absolute lech to be honest. I would not waste any more headspace on him.

He thinks that if men were interested in me then I wouldn't be so 'bitter'

Not only he painfully embarrassing but an arrogant twat too.

I Would be instantly turned off by the cringeworthy letching never mind that little gem.

Bin, bin and bin!

The most annoying aspect of this kind of situation is that to his mind, you're just jealous and bitter and wish that you were on the receiving end of some aged scroat's slathering attentions.

I think these men genuinely believe that women like the attention. That it's how we validate ourselves. As if to be pawed at and drooled over by a septegenarian lothario is the height of our life's ambition.

[quote Shellady]@BalmyNights

‘That suggests all men are like that and since I know men who've happily remarried women around their own age, sometimes even a little bit older; that's not true.’

Wow even a ‘little bit older ‘ shock horror
I think yes not all men q like that but a shot load are and as you point out yourself with your statement that men tend to at most go only a little older if at all , so so many of them think going wayyyyyyy younger is acceptable

Never yet seen a person Say anything along the lines of some women even marry me. A little bit older than them - see the difference[/quote]
It wasn't me who said that

@Bridezillamaybe

I sympathize though OP, it is extremely unpleasant to be subjected to. There is another thread about a poster with a long-term partner doing this and she's wondering if she's right to feel upset.

I explained on that my own DP behaved like this in the early days. Even thinking about it now annoys me. He stopped after I told him very very clearly how unattractive I found it. I don't think most people should bother 'educating' them, the only reason I tried was because really he had pretty much everything else I looked for in a partner. And he stopped. But I'm not excusing it because it royally pissed me off.

It is unattractive, you're right. They perceive it as jealousy on your part but, in reality, it just makes them very unappealing!

@ClawedButler

The most annoying aspect of this kind of situation is that to his mind, you're just jealous and bitter and wish that you were on the receiving end of some aged scroat's slathering attentions.

I think these men genuinely believe that women like the attention. That it's how we validate ourselves. As if to be pawed at and drooled over by a septegenarian lothario is the height of our life's ambition.

Pretty much sums it up!

The thing is, I on the receiving end of it still. Its not attractive and it's not flattering.

When I've said this, the men think it's just me and that I'm the only.woman who thinks like that. Obviously, being drooled over by a stranger old enough to be your dad is a compliment. They don't seem to understand that a man who shows his partner some respect and treats womem as people is far more attractive to the majority of women.

Oops sorry @BalmyNights , my previous post was for @WhiskeyGalore212

Oh I am cringing on his behalf. I dated a guy just like this, very briefly! and it was embarrassing. He would try to engage with much younger women, waitresses, anyone. Ugh. I agree that it's an older, white guy entitlement syndrome, just disgusting, and once you've spotted it it's really smart to steer clear.
Glad you're ditching him.

@BusyLizzie61
Most people appreciate beautiful things and people. You not doing so, imo says more about you than him.

Holy shit, that is next level misogyny. Also. women are not things.

When you dump him, tell him it’s because you’ve been asked out by a twenty year old hot guy.

He thinks that if men were interested in me then I wouldn't be so 'bitter’

But he’s interested in you- doesn’t he think that counts- him being such a catch n’all?

Ugh.

I had an ex like this, he reigned it in a bit when I said he was making me and whoever the lady was uncomfortable and embarrassed... but within 6mths he was setting an old FWB, so was dumped.. I just don't think men like this have any respect for women... I have taken the decision to love my single life, with some male friends in it, rather than start the whole 'needle in a haystack' dating thing again.

*sexting not setting

But he’s interested in you- doesn’t he think that counts- him being such a catch n’all?

I don't think he is, really. I think he's listening to his dad's words and watching his friends' experiences both of which tell him that, at 54, he isn't going to pull a hot young thing but I think he's remaining open to it, just in case.

He thinks he's doing the grown up, mature and sensible thing by dating me.

I don't think he'd cheat on me if he had the chance. I think he'd be gone in a heartbeat.

@BusyLizzie61
‘Most people appreciate beautiful things and people. You not doing so, imo says more about you than him.‘

Sounds like something an entitled older guy who exhibits exactly This type of behaviour would say

I once told my ex that he might think he's being funny and flirty, but to the young lady he just looks like a sleezy old man. It made him think a bit.

@Hadalifeonce

I once told my ex that he might think he's being funny and flirty, but to the young lady he just looks like a sleezy old man. It made him think a bit.

Yes, exactly.

He thinks he's doing the grown up, mature and sensible thing by dating me

Oh my god it just gets better and better 💩When are you dumping this fuckwit?

I'm going away with a friend tonight and seeing him tomorrow. I'd rather tell him in person than via text or over the phone.

No-one with any self esteem would want be with someone who's so obviously settling - (even if they're not really settling and only think they are due to unrealistic , entitled, immature expectations).

I know it's a cliche but namalt.

Don't let him put you off.

My sisters's mate has just remarried at 59, to an attractive, well heeled divorce around her age.

Sad thing is, I've experienced this before - men dating me because they feel they ought to be going for someone more like me.

I'm told I'm 'young' for my age - I probably am in some ways. I don't have any of the things that other women age have to restrict me. No ageing parents, no partner and no dependent children. My time is my own and some of my friends joke that I live 'like a student' in some ways. I'm not unattractive. I'm 'fun' but men don't seem to ever see me as a serious option.

I can't really help my family circumstances and my lifestyle suits me. But I'm not 25. I don't look 25 and I'm not slim and toned. And I'm not frivilous. I don't hang on their every word or defer to their natural superiority/authority as i think they imagine a much younger woman would.

I realised I've actually been asked out 3 times since I've been seeing him - once by a 26 year old, once by a man in his 30s and once by a man in his 50s. I'm mid 40s. None of these other men was a viable option for me. It's very rare I meet someone I feel a connection with and I think the sad thing is that, aside from this one huge issue, he and I could actually have been good together.

Just another idiotic bloke with ridiculous ideas about what he 'deserves'!

Mid 40s!

Fk, I got the impression you were around his age.

So he's got a woman ten years you for abd he still thinks he's settling.

He sounds like the short bald bloke with the tail in shallow hal.

His chances of a twenty or even thirty something if he's not wealthy (!) are minimal.

He sounds shallow, immature and delusional.

Its not easy to meet someone who suits abd vice versa especially past your twenties abd early thirties when the majority of people are not single.

But that doesn't mean you can't. Change up your circles, keep trying new things, new places, meeting new people..through hobbies activities, anything you can think of, this is numbers game.