Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm obviously going to dump him but...

116 replies

BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 00:45

I've been seeing someone for about 4 months. It's not serious. It could have been but over the past few weeks, I've realised that he has an issue with the fact I'm not young, slim and beautiful.

We went out to the pub to meet some friends last night and he nearly clipped the kerb because he was staring at two young women, barely out of their teens, on the other side of the road. I've noticed him 'looking' at much younger women a couple of times previously. He always seems to be hoping and waiting for them to turn around and get some acknowledgement that he's not 'past it'.

It's disrespectful to me, disrespectful to them and makes him look like an idiot. I'm not jealous or heartbroken, I just feel embarrassed for him.

What is going on in his head? (Rhetorical question, I know the answer.)

He'd rather be single forever and chase the impossible dream that a women in her 20s will fall for him. She won't.

OP posts:
WhiskeyGalore212 · 23/07/2021 12:09

What is his relationship history BTW?

The mind boggles.

Incidentally most well adjusted halfway sane people realise that people young enough to be their children or grandchildren are naturally interested in their peers (unless they are v materialistic and the person is wealthy) sexually abd romantically abd naturally have lots in common with them. It's proper creepy and mal adjusted to be trying to shag and date people who weren't even born when you were an adult.

Yeah there's the Ronnie woods and kick jaggers but those young women wouldn't be with them if they weren't extremely wealthy.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 23/07/2021 12:12

Mick, obviously.

That's just a type of prostitution no matter what nice veneer is put on it, and the men look kinda pathetic.

Baberuthie · 23/07/2021 12:17

OP I have been there with this one. I was casually dating an ageing guy, a real peter pan, a long time ago when I was around 30. He was about 15 years older and seemed to like girls who were around 17. It was awful. He would always stare and didnt hide the fact that those girls were his preference. He was also a bit of a loser. He had had some fame in the 1980s but nothing had happened since and he was sort of stuck in time.... I think the 17 year old girl fixation was another example of this but talk about a cringe fest!! I was drinking a lot then and so did he so for me he was really a sort of drinking buddy but as soon as I sobered up it was over!! Never again!! Get out it is very bad for your self esteem. You should be his prize!

WhiskeyGalore212 · 23/07/2021 12:19

As an aside - I do think the availability of porn which has a category of older men with significantly younger women.. and even in the standard stuff the male actors are often older than the female actors.... has added yo men like himself delusions.

They seem unable to process that they'rr paid actresses abdbot dies not reflect the standard attraction and behaviour of young women.

I think porn sickness is making the male entitlement abd delusion worse.

Original poster
BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 12:33

He sounds like the short bald bloke...

How did you guess... Wink

Incidentally most well adjusted halfway sane people realise that people young enough to be their children or grandchildren are naturally interested in their peers (unless they are v materialistic and the person is wealthy) sexually abd romantically abd naturally have lots in common with them

He does realise this. This is exactly what his dad told him and exactly what he sees in his friends' dating experiences. He's told me himself he doesn't stand a chance with them but the unspoken subtext is it's what he wants and is settling with me.

I don't think for a second he actually thinks he stands a chance with any of them but there's always hope...

He had had some fame in the 1980s but nothing had happened since and he was sort of stuck in time...

I think there's an element of this going on too....

What is his relationship history BTW?

Mostly single. One 10 year relationship, the odd gf. Nothing to write home about.

OP posts:
TheEelOfMisfortune · 23/07/2021 12:55

I had a BF like this years ago. I dumped him but he was part of my circle back then so we stayed in touch. He got married and they went on honeymoon somewhere hot and sunny where there were topless women dripping ice cream onto their tits. His new wife warned him twice and said she would not do so a third time if he carried on ogling them. She came home alone on day four and filed for divorce on day six of the marriage. Go her!

Baberuthie · 23/07/2021 12:57

BalmyNights.... is it the same guy?!??!! Was he in the music industry in the 1980s...
It was offensive because I was already 15 years younger than him but he wanted even younger!!! Bleeeeeuuuughhhhhhh gives me the ick even now....

Original poster
BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 12:58

Go her! That's exactly why I wouldn't see it as anything serious with him. I rather suspect that, even if he did manage to get one of these women, he'd still be on the lookout for a different one.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 23/07/2021 13:00

@BalmyNights

I've been seeing someone for about 4 months. It's not serious. It could have been but over the past few weeks, I've realised that he has an issue with the fact I'm not young, slim and beautiful.

We went out to the pub to meet some friends last night and he nearly clipped the kerb because he was staring at two young women, barely out of their teens, on the other side of the road. I've noticed him 'looking' at much younger women a couple of times previously. He always seems to be hoping and waiting for them to turn around and get some acknowledgement that he's not 'past it'.

It's disrespectful to me, disrespectful to them and makes him look like an idiot. I'm not jealous or heartbroken, I just feel embarrassed for him.

What is going on in his head? (Rhetorical question, I know the answer.)

He'd rather be single forever and chase the impossible dream that a women in her 20s will fall for him. She won't.

And this is why he will remain single OP
Original poster
BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 13:02

is it the same guy?!??!! Was he in the music industry in the 1980s...

He's a musician with a small degree of success but on a smaller and more local scale so no, not the same guy, but they do seem to be a type...

Your post did remind me of something though.

A few years ago I went on a date with with someone who'd had a small amount of success musically in the 80s. I thought he was really good looking and well out of my league. Anyway, we went to a pub and, when he went to the loo, a couple of women at a nearby table asked if it was a first date (you can always tell!) I said yes and they replied "Oh love, you could do such better than him!" Grin

OP posts:
Rozziie · 23/07/2021 13:08

I was dating someone like this a few years ago. I was only just 32 and still slim, fit and attractive, but he'd still turn his head to stare at teenagers and women in their early twenties. He's now dating a woman of 27 despite being 39 himself. He's laughably immature.

It's sad, shallow and pathetic but just let them get on with it. They value looks over anything else and will never change.

herewegogc · 23/07/2021 13:17

Pornsick.

Baberuthie · 23/07/2021 13:18

BalmyNights the 1980s nearly famous musicians are the worst!!! Stay away from musicians generally I think... a lot of them get it into the industry because they are perves in the first place... a bit like driving instructors in my experience...

1forAll74 · 23/07/2021 13:28

Just write him off ,with this kind of behaviour, and attitude, he just sounds right on deluded about his very hidden charms. What is the point of you being irritated with this man all the time, as you say it's not a serious relationship anyway.

Bridezillamaybe · 23/07/2021 13:36

I'm actually irritated that these losers are getting this much airtime but hypocritically here I am chiming in.

It reminds me of an epiphany myself and my sister had in our twenties. We realised there is a common misconception that if you go for someone who you are objectively speaking much hotter than they will treat you very well. But the opposite is true; they seek validation from your (our) appearance and when they get it they start thinking "well if I could get her, I could get someone even hotter". I think the same principle applies here except it's age related.

We need to see this for what it is - a man exposing himself as utterly insecure.

Bridezillamaybe · 23/07/2021 13:42

And another thing - I resent the attitude that his biggest crime is that he's being unrealistic, he couldn't get them, they are the prize, all people who are younger are better looking etc

I don't find it attractive that a man would seek out a woman who is so much younger than him, has incomparable life experience. It's not that she's younger and therefore better and he is therefore foolish for thinking he could get her. Its the fact he wants to be with someone younger, what would they talk about, what would they have in common, if this hasn't occurred to him, how stupid is he?

Also, when I turned 40 there was loads of shocked responses in work especially from the younger staff who made me take out my ID to show them as they thought I was far younger. One woman, fifteen years younger than me nicely said if she looked as good as me at my age she would be thrilled. It was meant kindly but I wondered - why is it a given that she looks better than me now?

NotMyCat · 23/07/2021 14:09

My ex was like this. Until he sat beside me and swiped through tinder and showed me a woman and said how hot he was, then wondered why I didn't want to go to bed and shag him Hmm
Bye bye

I do tend to attract men who don't want to be seen with me though because I'm too tall/too fat/red hair Sad

TheCrowening · 23/07/2021 14:10

He’s 54 and you’re about ten years younger?

When you dump him, say you’re sorry but he’s just too old for you and you couldn’t get past it.

Baberuthie · 23/07/2021 14:32

I agree with TheCrowening... pick something you know he is insecure about.... say you dont like bald men of he doesn't like balding... say you like really fit men if he is out of shape... turn the tables. Or just say you were looking for a mature man who wanted the same things you do and you dont feel you are compatible.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 23/07/2021 14:32

A short, bald, presumably not wealthy 54 year old man who wants a twenty or so attractive partner ...

Something on the noggin is just not functioning.

His relationship history is unusual for a 50 something man too.

I'm amazed, given his values avd thinking that he hasnt gone the mail order bride route.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 23/07/2021 14:34

When you dump him, say you’re sorry but he’s just too old for you and you couldn’t get past it.

Classic.

Except this sort will get malicious, probably best to just dump gracefully and leg it.

FinallyHere · 23/07/2021 15:29

the unspoken subtext is it's what he wants and is settling with me.

Isn't that just him 'negging' you on purpose, hoping to reduce your self esteem and make you more likely to stay with him.

FinallyHere · 23/07/2021 15:34

[just reread what I posted and realised I wasn't absolutely clear that I agree he should be dumped. ]

My point was that he does know you are out of his league, he is just sleazy.

WelliesandWine88 · 23/07/2021 15:45

He sounds absolutely vile. Get rid ASAP.

Original poster
BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 17:42

That's the saddest part. He isn't vile otherwise. But this is obviously such a huge thing it ruins him.

OP posts: