Can i ever get past the hurt my husband caused having cyber sex?

[Jstsaying123]

I have recently found out my husband has been watching a lot of porn ( for years) and now paying for live cybersex... I'm devastated, he has clearly been lying, he was disconnected from me even though I tried many times to talk about what's missing or changed. He made me doubt myself - which I really hate!
He says he is truely sorry & will be better, get therapy etc. He has deleted his accounts showing me bank details etc... But we have a couple of kids, married years and years.... Has anyone ever been through similar where their husband and have they really changed? and put the effort in to the marriage?? I can't understand why he will change now, ( just cause he got caught).. he could have said something ages ago. Is he just covering because he was caught and would he ever have stopped if I never caught him?? .... I don't think I should give up if he is actually doing work to improve but I also don't want taken advantage of....my brain is so confused I don't know what is the right thing to do. Has Anyone been in this situation or similar? I would love some advice and how things turned out for your marriage?
Thanks

@QuentinBunbury I totally get you. You begin to actually question yourself ‘am I over reacting’ etc? Others seem fine with it , but I realise many posters are quite young, and have grown up with it being everywhere and to be frank a lot of people seem to be quite desparate to be with someone regardless of behaviour for money reasons/young families etc and I feel will put up with things that maybe more independent older women with older/grown up kids won’t. It’s a lonely place to be, and often you don’t want to talk to friends about it either- One thing I did decide was to make sure that if I stayed he mattered ‘less’ to me— so I built up friendships, built up a bit of savings etc — previously I do think we were far too co dependent .

It’s a lonely place to be, and often you don’t want to talk to friends about it either- One thing I did decide was to make sure that if I stayed he mattered ‘less’ to me— so I built up friendships, built up a bit of savings etc — previously I do think we were far too co dependent .

This is exactly what I'm doing alongside the self care.

Married a long time and I get the feeling of not really knowing your partner (whom I previously thought was absolutely wonderful). My husband presents as feminist, intelligent and I really didn't see this other side to him. He honestly thinks there is nothing wrong with viewing porn, he doesn't get the objectification or any of it - he sees it as my problem that I'm a prude. But I didn't sign up for this when I married him. It's dawned on me he has been a bit emotionally abusive and manipulative too, this wouldn't haven't occurred to me if the issue of porn viewing hadn't cropped up so it's really exacerbated things. I think I'm in a similar place to you in my way of thinking Taras. My husband has told me he has stopped viewing it...but how do you really know, especially when he seems to mix with other men who are quite open in talking about it.

He honestly thinks there is nothing wrong with viewing porn, he doesn't get the objectification or any of it - he sees it as my problem that I'm a prude.
Yeah, mine used to say I was a prude too
It's bollocks. Like people said upthread, no way would they be happy if you were paying men to do the same. Its entitlement and in some cases a fetish. I think unfortunately the men that do this are manipulative and twist the truth - they have to be or they wouldn't pay to have sex with a woman. They KNOW it's not acceptable and trade on the shame/embarrassment to make us feel we deserve it.

@Jstsaying123

I have recently found out my husband has been watching a lot of porn ( for years) and now paying for live cybersex... I'm devastated, he has clearly been lying, he was disconnected from me even though I tried many times to talk about what's missing or changed. He made me doubt myself - which I really hate! He says he is truely sorry & will be better, get therapy etc. He has deleted his accounts showing me bank details etc... But we have a couple of kids, married years and years.... Has anyone ever been through similar where their husband and have they really changed? and put the effort in to the marriage?? I can't understand why he will change now, ( just cause he got caught).. he could have said something ages ago. Is he just covering because he was caught and would he ever have stopped if I never caught him?? .... I don't think I should give up if he is actually doing work to improve but I also don't want taken advantage of....my brain is so confused I don't know what is the right thing to do. Has Anyone been in this situation or similar? I would love some advice and how things turned out for your marriage? Thanks

Therapy is silly, he paid for cyber sex and got caught, end of. Therapy offers him a get out of jail free card in some ways, as if he is dealing with a 'problem' and therefore doing something he should be praised for. I'd separate and take some time out to think about what's right for you.

Honestly do I think he would have stopped if not caught..... No.

I too would also class it as crossing the line into cheating.

My advice to you is this...

Absolutely hope for the best but definately plan for the worst.

By that I mean you're going to need to create another parallel life for yourself outside of this marriage filled with friends, hobbies and interests of your own so if it does go belly up again the blow won't be as bad. Are you financially independant? If not this needs to be secured asap.

In short you should give him a chance to redeem himself (if you wish to), but never the chance to fuck you over again.

Closetbeanmuncher has given some good advice. I think that is what I am working on at present...creating a parallel life. I've got a long way to go as everything has previously revolved around husband and dcs (having young children has not helped this either). Over the next few years, this is my life plan...to keep building on hobbies/interests and hopefully make numerous friends along the way. I also plan to seek advice re. finances.

@Fredrica47346. Very sensible too

That is great advice 'hope for the best but plan for the worst'.... I feel that's where I'm at and what I should do. I think I could be financially independent, but not yet.
I think he stopped because he got caught but probably wouldn't have otherwise, although he admits its definitely crossed the line and he counts it as cheating too, but will I ever trust a word he says ever again?? I'm guessing not.... His actions will make me doubt myself in many ways going forward and that's actually a really crappy thing to do to your wife and chuck decade's together away....
I wonder if there is a generation thing going on here with if its acceptable or not? I'm (younger) middle aged. I'm not a prude and understand that porn is so accessible and I could accept the occasional watching of it (that is my boundaries) but paying for live sex, one on one and all the cover up of it, him knowing it was wrong and doing it anyway. Plus I'm sure watching all the free stuff often and neglecting me and our marriage.... It all adds up to knowingly mega f*ING up..... I wonder if younger woman (who grew up with constant access to Internet porn and cam girls etc) if they have other views... I bloody hope not! If that is the way ahead for recommendations then I will become single and stay single. Guys do not have a right to watch porn whenever, it clearly messes them up.

correction relationships not recommendations lol!

@Jstsaying123. I 100% agree. What annoyed me most was the idea that watching stuff virtually every day was okey dokey— when I know full well he knows I wouldn’t be remotely ok with that - incredibly disrespectful I felt

Wouldn't bother me at all!

@Cozytoesandtoast00

Wouldn't bother me at all!

Your partner paying to have sex with someone without your consent and/or knowledge wouldn't bother you at all?

@Cozytoesandtoast00

Wouldn't bother me at all!

More info please So monogamy isn’t important to you and you believe consent can be bought , interesting Are you male ? Female ?

I had a similar situation . He is now gone. Long term married so I did agree to therapy at the beginning. But really all he wanted was for me to be OK with it all , forgive him , move on and never mention it again.
But I could not forgive him . It occupies my thoughts, made me suspicious all the time , I looked on him differently, thought he was disgusting, no respect for him . And the LIES. So could never trust him again as he kept it up quite a while and acted normal. I believed that we had no secrets and he was faithful . Being proved wrong was devastating.

I am so sorry that you are going through this . It is horrible. Take your time, get financially straight if you can . Incidentally , wondering how much of family money was spent on his disgusting habit ?
Take care

All the replies basically say similar and that he won't change and the strong women on here who were put through similar seem to say it changes everything and that trust can't come back.
I wish our so called 'good men' we married would take time out of their lies and cheating to read and get a clue about the devastation they have caused, to their wife, children's lives, (if old school) the embarrassment to their parents and the damage to the person they are supposed to love the mosts self worth and trust issues they cause..... It really is sad... All that fall out from their choices.

It's not an excuse (if you see any of my posts you'll see I consider it infidelity and have been extremely critical) bit I think they don't think they'll get caught, they think it'll stay within their "private," world of masturbation, porn etc. and they really don't think through the consequences for themselves and others. That's not to say it makes it any better, just an attempt at an explanation for why they don't consider it.

Incidentally if they try to gas light or if you think you can't meet a man not like this in future etc, out of curiosity I asked my h (who has plenty not minor faults, believe me) whether he thought cam."sex" was infidelity abd he answered instantly& emphatically with a wtf expression "yes, of course!".

@WhiskeyGalore212. I agree with you— they simply don’t think they will get caught out

I don't know what my next steps are?
Does he leave, or do I go?? so I can have a few days week to deal with my feelings so its not all in front of the kids.
I'm numb, I don't have the strength or brain power to figure out what I do next?
Neither of us has a place to go, don't think we can afford another place to stay. Feel a bit trapped in a way. Also how will the kids cope ( one is ASD).... Its just such a lot xxx

I've been through similar.

My advice would be not to rush into anything, give yourself time, it can't be 'fixed' quickly as I'd have hoped.

Dh took responsibilty for it and didn't blame me at all, he accepts he was unfaithful. He seems truly repentant. It's been a while since I found out but I still find it tough some days. If I'm feeling down about something else, then I think about what he did and make myself feel worse. I don't have anyone to talk to about this either.

There's no easy way to deal with this, staying or splitting will be tough, but good luck with whatever you decide.

I agree with @middleagedfrog. If going to therapy had resulted in a change of attitude, I might have let him stayed. But it was me who could not get over it.

A long term marriage is worth waiting to see if you can resolve this and I get you about having concerns because of kids.
I was told that it is like an addiction and once there was no consequences , it was easy to continue. Being caught brings it all into sharp focus and the reality of what they done and the true perception of how damaging it is , hits them hard.
Take your time to decide what you want to do . While he continues to be remorseful and taking responsibility , perhaps it can be salvaged. But only on your terms , not his.

@middleagedfrog and @stillfunny thanks for that advice. I think your right, it's not a decision to rush into.... Time will tell what will happen but if he is really sorry he will take steps to fix it , and once its not as raw I will be able to see if I can trust him again.
I'm so drained, I'm hoping for the best but am planning for the worst.
Thanks for all the advice x

I have been dealing with this exact same thing for 3 years now. The worst part is I was able to download his entire chat history...

OP, I today found out about my husband's cyber sex and I am devastated. I have never had a panic attack or reaction like this before. I couldn't even breathe when I found the evidence. I feel like after the past 15 years of marriage I don't even know this person. I don't know what to do.
Please tell me, how did things end up for you? What path did you take? I have young children and a mortgage and pets and have no idea what to do.

You should start your own thread and you'll get plenty of support. Go onto the relationships board and click "add thread"