Can i ever get past the hurt my husband caused having cyber sex?

[Jstsaying123]

I have recently found out my husband has been watching a lot of porn ( for years) and now paying for live cybersex... I'm devastated, he has clearly been lying, he was disconnected from me even though I tried many times to talk about what's missing or changed. He made me doubt myself - which I really hate!
He says he is truely sorry & will be better, get therapy etc. He has deleted his accounts showing me bank details etc... But we have a couple of kids, married years and years.... Has anyone ever been through similar where their husband and have they really changed? and put the effort in to the marriage?? I can't understand why he will change now, ( just cause he got caught).. he could have said something ages ago. Is he just covering because he was caught and would he ever have stopped if I never caught him?? .... I don't think I should give up if he is actually doing work to improve but I also don't want taken advantage of....my brain is so confused I don't know what is the right thing to do. Has Anyone been in this situation or similar? I would love some advice and how things turned out for your marriage?
Thanks

Fiancé I suppose that should be.

@WhiskeyGalore212

I am not having 'a fit of the vapours' because he watched some porn.

Op ignore that poster, two of us have tried to alert you to the fact s/he seems to be a troll, from their posts in another thread etc.

They've now taken to harassing me by private message, in top of accusing myself and youvegottwominuteslynn of bullying them in post after post.

Just ignore it, you shouldn't have to respond to nonsense like that.

I asked you very kindly to stop harassing me. I reported your unwanted attention too! You are a bully!!

I'm a year and a half on from you. I believe that he's stopped and that he's remorseful. I still feel broken though. I'm not sure I can be in a relationship again after him as I don't trust my perceptions of people so don't think I could trust anyone else as a result. I'm still hanging on, but I don't know that it's doing me any good. Also together decades, with kids, etc. I just feel less towards him, well, apart from immense bursts of anger and sadness. I doubt this is helpful as I still haven't made a decision, but thought I'd share my perspective.

Also in the name of research I looked at the kind of comments men write under these girls if you click on them (this is the open to public non paying stuff as opposed to private shows which are paid for ) and it’s utterly disgusting stuff— many of these guys will be married family blokes. I think many women think a bit of porn is fine but are thinking pretty mild stuff to be honest — not this kind of extremely degrading zoo of the cam world

@Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails. I know totally how you feel — as I said in my post above ‘I feel less’— there isn’t any hate but I don’t feel the unconditional love either. And I think anyone who stays with someone whose behaviour has disgusted them has to be prepared that they may well feel like this.

@tarasmalatarocks yes, I just have this persistent empty feeling there instead of the trust that this person is my partner and will have my back. He knew my opinions and willfully crossed my boundaries. He admitted that he knew that's what he was doing as he did it. No explanation why.
I care about him still, but I find it very hard to believe he cares about me, or not to feel repulsed when I remember how he behaved and what he prioritised. I think that I now just feel like I could be anyone, I'm not special in any way to him. He has no discernment.

[quote Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails]@tarasmalatarocks yes, I just have this persistent empty feeling there instead of the trust that this person is my partner and will have my back. He knew my opinions and willfully crossed my boundaries. He admitted that he knew that's what he was doing as he did it. No explanation why.
I care about him still, but I find it very hard to believe he cares about me, or not to feel repulsed when I remember how he behaved and what he prioritised. I think that I now just feel like I could be anyone, I'm not special in any way to him. He has no discernment.[/quote]
You have described exactly how I feel

@Mermaid2007 it's just so bloody lonely, isn't it? And depressing that so many have to deal with it. "Forsaking all others"...

@Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails @Mermaid2007

I don’t think they can offer an explanation because there really isn’t one— it’s there, it’s available, they found it a turn on — I don’t think any idea of crossing a boundary/being disrespectful/lack of integrity actually crosses their minds at that point. I’ve heard some men have said that they wouldn’t have an issue if you did it— as if that makes it ok — the fact is most women have got boundaries about stuff— for some it’s porn, others it’s meanness or no work ethic — whatever and if you say porn is your boundary they need to man up to that or at least be honest about itcso you can say ‘sod off’

for you op ignore the stupid row on your thread!
So I've been where you are, exH convinced me he thought it was "just porn" and I wouldn't mind, plus he was addicted, he was sorry, would give up porn and never do it again. For those who say "just porn" as well as paying for one on one sessions with girls he had particular favourites he'd chat to through the day, telling them how stunning they were, that he enjoyed talking to them. Text chats were saved on his account.
He was always very secretive with his phone after that but promised me he wasn't doing anything.
5 years later we got divorced, his secretiveness with his phone was a massive factor in my unhappiness as I didn't trust him. In mediation it came out he was back on the cams and had spent thousands out of our family savings on it.
Honestly, I know you want to stay but I don't think its worth it. These men feel entitled to sex, don't see the cams as cheating and personally I can't see why they would stop.
I wish I'd left the first time as it all just got messy and complicated. And in the end was more damaging to me and my children that I stayed.
Good luck

@tarasmalatarocks yes, I just have this persistent empty feeling there instead of the trust that this person is my partner and will have my back. He knew my opinions and willfully crossed my boundaries. He admitted that he knew that's what he was doing as he did it. No explanation why.
I care about him still, but I find it very hard to believe he cares about me, or not to feel repulsed when I remember how he behaved and what he prioritised. I think that I now just feel like I could be anyone, I'm not special in any way to him. He has no discernment.

This is it. I felt/feel like I could be anybody. And yes, to the empty feeling and I'm feeling lonely too but from the outside everything looks fine. Nearly every time he looks at his phone, I wonder who he is texting etc. even though he has given me no reason to doubt him in the past. These days (nearly a couple of years down the line) I try to concentrate on looking after me and the dc and being kind to myself. I suppose really what I'm doing is looking to build a life within a life as I currently have almost no support network and a small social circle.

@Fredrica47346 I'm so sorry you feel this way too. A life within a life, that really resonates. I feel ridiculous sometimes for feeling this way. It's a hard thing to talk about with anyone, small/big/intimate social circle. I've spoken about with two people, both with opposite views. One says leave, he's terrible. The other shrugged it off saying men are men. I'm glad they listened to me, but I think what you've said is more important; I need to be kind to myself.

To me, it sounds like your husband has become addicted to porn and ventured too far. I'm not sure I agree with what people are saying in terms he is sorry that he was caught. If he has a problem, being caught and your reaction could have been the kicker that showed him he has a problem. But, obviously that has no bearings on how you are feeling and I think that no one here can really answer the questions about if and how you can work through things. Think you just have to give it time.

As a side note, oddly I consider the act of paying a cam girl to be way more ethical than watching porn (though for obvious reasons I understand why it's way worse for a relationship).
I'm not entirely sure how the cam girl stuff works, but if they're just doing what they do from home and getting paid for it, to me thats alot better than them going to a studio and being coerced into doing things they don't really want to do. I've watched a few documentaries about porn and it is horrendous. If a woman can sit in her house and safely make money doing this, I'd argue its better and safer for them.

sugarntail

I've told 2 people in real life too and they just shrugged it off..."at least he's not had an affair," one said and the other just sort of said 'men, that's what they do," or something along those lines. They don't really get it and how it's affected me. Telling them just left me feeling like I was making a fuss about nothing (neither person had a partner/was married). And then all of this webcam stuff is on a whole new level so again makes me feel fortunate that it was plain old porn and that I shouldn't feel so down about it (so sorry op, so sorry you've gone through all of this crap).

I have a history of trauma (and trust issues stemming from it) and now this on top of it was the last thing I needed. One of the only ways I feel better is by doing something nice for myself particularly as no-one else rushes out to do this. I now order my own Christmas/birthday gifts by way of a top up and just look for ways to treat myself...at the moment I'm applying an indulgent foot scrub...just little things. I also journal a lot - but tend to write positive things that have happened that day or week and I intend to do a few creative courses when my youngest starts school. Just stuff like that. I've given up on people adding/enriching my life...it seems like I would be in for a long wait if I were to rely on this.

I do think that in the longer term, I will probably end up living alone/with dc. But not yet, I'm not in the right place on many different levels just yet.

Thank you for sharing, I'm so sorry that you are or have went through this. I wouldn't wish is on anyone.... I feel so isolated, like said above friends will have polar opposite views and Im embarrassed to talk about it. Another woman is one thing but this stuff is a mind fcuk.....
At the moment I'm thinking how can I be intimate again with him. And the person who went through similar before, tried to make things work then ended up in a worse place for it years later... That is what I'm thinking, fool me on shame on you, fool me twice shame on me....
I wish none of us on this chat had to go through any of this. I appreciate you sharing your experience xx

@tryinghardfornothing89
Part of me agrees with the first part of what your saying. Knowing him I think it's been a kick that he needed to sort himself out (I'm in no way excusing him for any part) even if/ when we split he can learn from this - or not- his choice, but I'm not going to chase him up or police his actions.
Maybe I will trust him again, maybe not. But it's on him. He is a grown man and if he can't control himself or do the right thing then I know I'm better off with out him. But for the kids sake I have decided not to immediately split, we can Co exist for a short time until I can think clearer.
As for your second part, I thought the same. Women are safe in their own home, reducing the risk to sex workers but on looking I to it more the same thing applies some are trafficked, forced, have pimps etc... And it's world wide, so not all UK based. It isn't always just some girls trying to safely earn money using their body. It is made to look like that.... This is another layer of upset for me. Its morally wrong using the women the way he did. Which adds another level of hurt to what he did.

x

@Fredrica47346 I think the way you look after yourself sounds so healthy, I definitely need to do more of this. I'm sorry you've been so let down. As a woman who has been through some what you have been through, I say men need to grow the fuck up. It's amazing how they can exercise restraint when they deem it worthy.

@Jstsaying123 no, no shame on you.

I’ll never understand how so many men feel so entitled when it comes to using sex services , cams etc
Just zero conscience or empathy it seems

Whisky- there's a site where you can watch cam girls but you need some 'tokens' to get the girls to do something you personally ask for. I don't know if there are other ways to gain the tokens than money. But that's by the by.

OP (sorry I don't know how to tag on my phone.) You don't know how he really feels. He would probably be saying the right words/doing the right things like he is now, even if he intended to carry on the porn or whatever, or eventually ends up going back to it.

I'm not entirely sure how the cam girl stuff works, but if they're just doing what they do from home and getting paid for it, to me thats alot better than them going to a studio and being coerced into doing things they don't really want to do
Men buy tokens, presumably so they don't feel as much like they are paying for sex.
The women have a stream that anyone can watch where they chat and do quite vanilla stuff, the men can "tip" in this or club together to buy a public show.
Then men can buy a private show, at a cost of around £40 for 15 mins (I think). The women do what the men tell them to do.
Its a bit like strip clubs/private dances except its not dances, it's sex acts and the man definitely gets to wank/cum while doing it.

I can see what you are saying re: coercion, but it's a very crowded market and so to make money the women have to do anything the men want with enthusiasm - and probably have to do quite extreme stuff. Also the sites take a big cut of the money and some women work from studios where they aren't allowed to say no to what men want in private shows.

But in any case, I would not be ok with my partner sexting other women or doing sexy facetime, and cams are the same, just with added spending of family money. To me it's one step away from prostitution.

It's left me with a lasting feeling that I didn't know my husband. I thought he adored me, didn't lie, was faithful and a feminist. In return I accepted some other aspects of his behaviour (he could be controlling and EA).

Finding out about the cams showed me he could lie to my face and I wouldn't know, he wasn't faithful and felt so entitled to sex he'd pay for it. I was married to him for 20 years and can't explain the damage its done - I feel like I never knew him.

To me it's one step away from prostitution.

Well it is prostitution.

It's just prostitution without direct physical contact.

It's paying for sex acts, whether you're physically involved in the sex act or not.

@fredrica47346.... Im with you on this, being kind and treating yourself is much needed. Over the last few days I have also been doing similar things to remind myself I'm worth more than how he treated me, little treats and building my self back up etc... You have been through a lot too, I wish it hadn't happened to you. X
We have a lot of other factors that make it extra difficult to separate. I definitely need time and space. I have massive concerns he is just in panic mode saying and doing the right things, then goes back to it when I let my guard down.

I think ladies if others who think porn is harmless were actually aware how much this ‘live’ cam stuff dominates the sites they might be a little less ‘oh it’s just porn’— that’s how the sites make money- basically advertising prostitution and it’s obvious that many men who get a bit bored of standard porn after years of it will think ‘ooh let’s check that out’ . @QuentinBunbury
I totally get how you feel— my H comes over very much as a feminist too, intelligent, not a geezer— thinks men sending porn to each other is utterly disgusting. You know what, I think I would rather have been with someone who was at least upfront about it— at least that way you can make an honest choice if you are prepared to put up with it— the only way I found out was becoming James Bond level in terms of tech

Thank you taramasalata. I post on here quite a lot about it because I felt so alone while it was happening, so I hope sharing my experience helps others feel less isolated.

I think there's a lot done by the cam sites to promote the "just porn" view - it stops women knowing the nature of what these sites offer when their partners use them, and also gives the men a veneer of denial that they are using sex workers. The tokens help with that too.

It shocks me actually that so many posters on these threads are "just porn, I'd be fine with it". I was so disturbed that my ex thought paying for cyber sex was ok, it makes me question if he also paid for actual sex. I have no evidence he did but he lied so much that I think the worst