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Original poster

Can i ever get past the hurt my husband caused having cyber sex?

149 replies

Jstsaying123 · 21/07/2021 23:08

I have recently found out my husband has been watching a lot of porn ( for years) and now paying for live cybersex... I'm devastated, he has clearly been lying, he was disconnected from me even though I tried many times to talk about what's missing or changed. He made me doubt myself - which I really hate!
He says he is truely sorry & will be better, get therapy etc. He has deleted his accounts showing me bank details etc... But we have a couple of kids, married years and years.... Has anyone ever been through similar where their husband and have they really changed? and put the effort in to the marriage?? I can't understand why he will change now, ( just cause he got caught).. he could have said something ages ago. Is he just covering because he was caught and would he ever have stopped if I never caught him?? .... I don't think I should give up if he is actually doing work to improve but I also don't want taken advantage of....my brain is so confused I don't know what is the right thing to do. Has Anyone been in this situation or similar? I would love some advice and how things turned out for your marriage?
Thanks

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/07/2021 10:27

@WhiskeyGalore212

Amazing how you wouldn't gave a fit of vapours over ops h paying for sexual interaction with other women (just happens to be via video) but spent cou takes pages of another thread posting critically and harshly about the infidelity of a clearly traumatised and controlled rape victim.
Absolutely. Almost like whatever has happened, the woman should be chaste and forgiving but the man is less culpable for shitty behaviour isn't it? I think they're just being purposefully antagonistic based on that thread and this one.
Monkeyrules · 22/07/2021 10:36

I'm so sorry op. At this stage I wouldn't rush into anything. It sounds like you've got a lot of thoughts and feel emotionally torn. Maybe you should let the dust settle and see a counsellor and then things will become clearer.

We don't know your husband and the fact that you have children and a home together doesn't make it so easy to get up and leave as if you were dating. The children will no doubt have questions about this over time too. Only you know if your husband is a good man that made a mistake which snowballed or if he is manipulating you.

Maybe you should also seek legal advice and financial advice without telling him so you know what your options are.

Hanger0n · 22/07/2021 10:48

@WhiskeyGalore212

Amazing how you wouldn't gave a fit of vapours over ops h paying for sexual interaction with other women (just happens to be via video) but spent cou takes pages of another thread posting critically and harshly about the infidelity of a clearly traumatised and controlled rape victim.
Please stop bullying me Sad
Hanger0n · 22/07/2021 10:50

Youvegottenminuteslynn

The only person who said any of that was you dear. Stop derailing the thread with your cross thread bullying please Sad

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/07/2021 10:52

@Hanger0n

Youvegottenminuteslynn

The only person who said any of that was you dear. Stop derailing the thread with your cross thread bullying please Sad

Don't bully victims of sexual assault and hammer home your point and people wouldn't have an issue with you. I'm not engaging with you further because your comments on the other thread were so awful. If many people take an issue with you as they have done on here, it's sensible to reflect on whether they may have a point about your approach. Have a good day.
Hanger0n · 22/07/2021 10:54

I have no idea what you are talking about? If you don't like something just block it rather than trolling other threads to stalk people Sad

Youdiditanyway · 22/07/2021 11:18

My DH told me he was addicted to porn years ago, before we moved in together. He’d been single for a long time before we got together and said it just became habitual comfort before he went to sleep. I didn’t really mind but figured the habit would inevitably end when we moved in together because he obvs couldn’t wank with me beside him in bed. I guessed he just rarely wanked anymore because I honestly didn’t know when he’d have the opportunity to, unless he was doing it in the shower or whilst at work. Anyway a couple of months ago he ended up telling me he was still addicted to porn and he was doing it most days in the shower, that’s why he took so long… I don’t know why it didn’t really bother me but it didn’t tbh, maybe I should have felt more angry but I just have bigger fish to fry in life than him wanking every morning. Mostly fucked me off that he wastes so much time wanking rather than helping me with DC in the morning tbh.

Paying for a webcam girl to ‘have sex with’ is crossing another boundary all together though, I’d be devastated if he went this far. Your DH obviously has a problem, I think many men do nowadays. He’s gone further than just watching porn which is indicative of addiction, he needs to seek counselling and perhaps couples counselling would be a good idea too.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 22/07/2021 11:24

Trolling, do you mean trawling?

You appear to ge the troll here.

If posters notice a poster making posts that are arguably unhelpful, and in this case contradictory and hypocritical across multiple threads, they'll point it out to the op.

Having bullied op, a rape victim repeatedly in the other thread repeatedly to tell her husband about her infidelity "what about the husband, what about the husband, what about the husband" on and on ... you are now scolding other posters in the thread who are debating relevant issues for "making it about themselves, and this is a serious subject" ..... like what Confused.
Accompanied by sad face emojis while now yourd in this thread with multiple posts, accusing those who are calling you put for the sake of this op, of bullying you .. with more sad face emoji used liberally.

I don't know if you're helping either yourself or the posters on this forum at this time

WhiskeyGalore212 · 22/07/2021 11:24

The above was in response to.hanger on.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 22/07/2021 11:28

Interesting how in the last thread you saw the husband (and apparently only the husband) as the victim in a case of infidelity, but in this one the wife is not a victim; and paying can girls for one on one personal sexual interaction is not infidelity.

In fact people who's who's it as infidelity (most people) are derided with victorian cliches "for of the vapours" of hysterical women.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 22/07/2021 11:30

*In fact people who see it as infidelity (most people) are derided with victorian cliches "fit of the vapours" associated with hysterical women.

tarasmalatarocks · 22/07/2021 11:41

And this is one big reason I am against blokes developing regular porn habits. These pages are full of ‘on line’ live prostitution (and that’s what it is) — you don’t need to search it out , it’s there the minute you sign in on all the main sites. That’s how they make their money. Basically these sites act as online pimps. Many blokes get drawn into it purely because it looks personal and exciting and as someone else said in their head because they aren’t actually touching the person they don’t see it as prostitution/betrayal but it is. If they think it’s all fine, tell your wives, ask them if they are cool with it . !!!

updownroundandround · 22/07/2021 11:50

@Jstsaying123

The very fact that he's trying to tell you that you're 'over reacting' says that he's not sorry, he's only 'sorry' he got caught Sad.

He's still 'minimizing' what he's done, and hoping you'll be 'told by your therapist' that you're 'over reacting' too ffs ! Angry.

He still thinks what he's done is OK ffs ! Just because he wasn't in the same room as the woman he was giving sexual instructions to ?

She's still a real person ! He still talked to her and told her what he wanted her to do ! He still paid for it !
And he'd still be doing it if you hadn't caught him !

I wouldn't ever be able to look at him the same again, never mind have sex with him ! Blech !

Hanger0n · 22/07/2021 11:51

Whiskey galore please stop bullying me. I haven't even bothered to read your essays Sad

beigebrownblue · 22/07/2021 11:51

Also, there is the point that should you split up in your marriage and have to go to court over contact with the kids, family court would not be impressed by your behavior at all.

They would see it as you enabling your husband to watch porn/sites that are abusive with kids.

Personally, I would put the kids first. Now. Otherwise the way you are going you are likely to lose them.

minatrina · 22/07/2021 11:57

@Hanger0n did someone pick you yet? Smile

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this, I'd be so hurt and betrayed too. I really do think porn has a lot to answer for, utterly dreadful. The only way forward I could think of in this situation would be to involve lots of counselling tbh.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 22/07/2021 11:59

If they think it’s all fine, tell your wives, ask them if they are cool with it . !!!

I somehow think of their wives were paying a muscly guy with a big cock to do sexual things, like masturbate, for them via video ...
It would somehow miraculously not be "just porn" and not be OK.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 22/07/2021 12:00

@Hanger0n

Whiskey galore please stop bullying me. I haven't even bothered to read your essays Sad
No-one is bullying you, two posters are calling you out so this op can see what sort of poster is saying "I would t have a fit of the vapours about it, it's just porn".
WhiskeyGalore212 · 22/07/2021 12:02

Of course it's an "essay" you can't be bothered to read if it's describing your shitty behaviour and spectacular priority missing in another thread.

Hmm
Hanger0n · 22/07/2021 12:03

Whiskeybore I have no clue what you are talking about. Your unwanted attention is disturbing me please leave me alone! Sad

Hanger0n · 22/07/2021 12:05

Cross thread arguments just make you look childish. Please stop talking to me Sad

Fredrica47346 · 22/07/2021 12:40

Sorry op, some of my post is becoming confused with your post.

Watching porn was bad enough for me. This is massively over-stepping boundaries with web cam etc.

Original poster
Jstsaying123 · 22/07/2021 13:00

I am not having 'a fit of the vapours' because he watched some porn. I'm not uptight and I'm sure most men watch some some times and do their thing in the shower etc... He was paying for live 'cam girls' 'cyber sex' (I don't know the right term because it's new to me) paying them to do things so he could get his rocks off.... He went to the bother of lying, covering it up, being distant from me/us... He spent OUR money to cheat on me online. As well as watching the free stuff.
The line is crossed with me. He knows he cheated, he says he is very sorry and is being open when I ask for details, bank details, access to his phone. He says he knows he screwed up massively and will do whatever he can to fix our marriage and make it good again. He is ashamed of himself and does not think I'm overreacting etc.... I have not been kicking off or shouting because the kids are here, I haven't asked him to leave yet, But I'm having space from him (thankfully the house is big enough). .. but I'm upset and asking the hard questions as heartbreaking it is to hear the answers.
I agree he cheated, he broke my trust, has been disrespectful to me, our marriage and our family.
It's all still very raw. Most responses are to divorce (which may happen) but should I allow him the chance to prove what he is saying before jumping straight to separation? Should decade's together (that were good) be thrown away because of a crappy year that we had and him cheating... Can marriages ever survive affairs/betrayal /cam girls etc?
I honestly have no idea. Like I said it's so raw and I'm trying to see things from all points.
Thank you for your kind replies.

OP posts:
FGTR3 · 22/07/2021 13:10

He has sorry because he got caught. He wants to change, because he got caught. Unlikely to change.

Original poster
Jstsaying123 · 22/07/2021 13:13

I don't think you read my post properly.
He is sorry, he is ashamed of himself, he know he crossed a line and he cheated.
He is the one that will go for counselling or therapy because he knows he has messed up massively and wants to change to be a better dad, husband etc.
He hasn't blamed me at all or trying to down play it.
I'm devastated. He was my best friend and he hurt me so much.
I'm just trying to get different points of view as it's been so much to process. Does it mean automatic divorce? Is there any way he can change and our marriage be happy again... I really don't know

OP posts: