Can i ever get past the hurt my husband caused having cyber sex?

[Jstsaying123]

I have recently found out my husband has been watching a lot of porn ( for years) and now paying for live cybersex... I'm devastated, he has clearly been lying, he was disconnected from me even though I tried many times to talk about what's missing or changed. He made me doubt myself - which I really hate!
He says he is truely sorry & will be better, get therapy etc. He has deleted his accounts showing me bank details etc... But we have a couple of kids, married years and years.... Has anyone ever been through similar where their husband and have they really changed? and put the effort in to the marriage?? I can't understand why he will change now, ( just cause he got caught).. he could have said something ages ago. Is he just covering because he was caught and would he ever have stopped if I never caught him?? .... I don't think I should give up if he is actually doing work to improve but I also don't want taken advantage of....my brain is so confused I don't know what is the right thing to do. Has Anyone been in this situation or similar? I would love some advice and how things turned out for your marriage?
Thanks

The last post was a reply to updownaroundandaround

I'm devastated, he has clearly been lying, he was disconnected from me even though I tried many times to talk about what's missing or changed. He made me doubt myself - which I really hate!

I think people are trying to warn you that based on this bit of your first post, it sounds like he wouldn't have stopped without you finding out - so can't have been that ashamed of himself or disgusted. And he lied to you repeatedly before you found out, even though you asked him lots of times if anything was up.

It sounds like you've been really patient and kind and he is making all the right noises at the moment to keep you with him. Which is totally your choice of course, everyone is different.

It's ok if you feel you can move past this but it's also ok if like many of us it's a dealbreaker for him to have been paying a woman money to watch her perform sexual acts at his direction. Firstly because it's so disrespectful to women in general and secondly because it's particularly disrespectful to you, his wife.

You poor thing, it must feel awful

I know, you are so right. I agree with you, he has done so much damage on so many layers.... I'm probably a bit scared of what my future will be/look like. And all the fall out from what he has done and how the kids and family will cope etc.
I think it's so fresh, I haven't processed it all yet.

Op, people have stayed with the same and worse however;

Just to warn you that he's pulling out pretty much every clichevof the script ..

• will get counseling/therapy

• was drinking too much

• minimisation etc.

You said he's been using porn for a long time, how long has the cam.sex been going on?

He's been perfectly happy doing this, with no feeling of needing to stop, or considering counselling for quite some time by the sounds of it.

So he clearly didn't think it was a problem.

Abd apparently he didn't really think it was wrong either.

He sounds like he's one of those blokedejo wants the standard, traditional, respectable wife & kids but wants to indulgd his sexual appetites on the side/behind her back in the sex industry.. this is the lighter side of the sex industry- he's gone two steps down so far (porn, then one on one paid personal interaction via video). Abd Jr probably thinks its natural, abd nothing wrong with it, in fact he probably thinks he's doing you a favour by not physically cheating.

You can't really change those fory of core values and entitlement.

*those sort of core values.

He claims he's turned off his side of the Web cam... so how does he communicate with the sex workers (to call a spade a spade)? Types what he wants? Is he doing it by voice in which case how does he hide it from you in the home?

There's quite a bit of deception and covering up there.

BTW I tolerate moderate porn use in a partner (though I'm c uncomfortable about ethics issues in the porn industry) but cam.sex is a step too far for me.

The other super important thing to note here is that in situations like these the shocked, devastated, stressed, sad woman always seems to feel she, having recently found out, had to make her decision and stick to it quite quickly.

That if she makes a decision, that's it ongoing.

And the cheater reinforces this with pressure to get over ot, abd pressure to forgive, abd pressure to get things back to normal, abd blackmail aboutt breaking up.the family etc etc.

Your don't!!!! You absolutely don't.

No decision has to be made quickly abd no decision is "binding". You can separate from them any fkg you want.

That's the case without behaviour like this in the mix.

Many people whocw Bern cheatecon leave months or years later down the line for various reading and that is absolutely their perogative.

Sorry about all the typos

@Jstsaying123. To answer your question about getting past it— I’ve experienced similar with virtually daily porn (mainly lesbian stuff , amateur stuff and clicking on the webcams —but not actually paying or interacting) all behind my back and he doesn’t know that I know , (I’m good with tech) although twice now I’ve brought up in casual conversation my views about porn - he just nods and agrees with me. I decided not to leave because of practical reasons , apart from this we get on well and the fact I now no longer trust anybloke to be honest not to be doing stuff like this. I may change my mind at some point — what I will say is I’ve never felt the same about him since I discovered it romantically/sexually— he’s killed that side stone dead mentally for me. You can get by day to day perfectly ok but in my experience it’s always there at the back of your mind— I’m quite a tough cookie but others may not be the same and may find they simply can’t live with someone and no longer feel ‘trusting or in love’ . I’m older , don’t have kids at home to think of and am now saving money personally, something I never did before. I appreciate some women, especially younger women are very ‘meh’ about it— but at almost 60 I find it incredibly disrespectful and a total turn off.

In a nutshell; he either thinks cam sex with sex workers is not cheating or he thinks cheating is OK.

He didn't feel enough guilt or n appropriateness to stop or even try to apparently (of course he'll tell you he tried but got dragged back in due to blah blah blah).

You'll want to be careful about committing to a man with those values ongoing.

No matter what you decide, I'd look into the financials if you were to separate, see how you'd cope.

I found out back in February that my partner of 20 + years had been interacting/paying online cam girls, I was absolutely devastated to say the least. That had also been going through on for years. We also have children.

He promised that he would never do it again. I do hope he is telling the truth as I couldn't go through it again. It has taken me months to 'sort of' get over it but I still have days where I think 'what if he is' when he's not around.
I have also considered therapy to help me understand why he did it, but so far haven't taken that step.
When confronted he didn't seem to understand how it was different to watching porn! (I hate that also but could have accepted it a bit easier I think!).
I cried for weeks and found it so hard to function at times and still do sometimes even now but I feel like I have to give our relationship a chance and try to build that trust again however it is very hard!
He has assured me he's never touched another woman which I do believe. He has always appeared to be besotted with me and is a great Father who has always been involved in everything that the kids do and also as a family. I guess that's another reason I found it so hard to understand why.
I have to add I was also so naive and didn't realise these sort of sites really existed!!
So I really understand what you are going through at the moment.

*on for years not through on for years!

tarasmalta

Your post completely resonates with me and I could have written so much of it myself. Thank you for writing it. I no longer have faith in men either and at the moment my situation (with young dc) suits me to remain within relationship. But make no mistake my relationship has never been the same since. I no longer feel the same as tarasmalta describes.

When confronted he didn't seem to understand how it was different to watching porn!

Would he have understood how it was different to watching pre recorded non interactive porn if you were the one who'd been paying big ducked beef cake men to madturbate etc for you, talk dirty to you etc.?

No offence but guys like this are having you on.

They choose not to understand.

They choose to have massive double standards.

They'll say whatever they think will let them get away with it.

Yeah not big ducked lol.

I'm sure you can swap the correct word.

Oh abd there's tonnes of free porn available whereas I have yet to see free cam sex, so they're also spending family money on this "no different from porn" hobby.

Why do they think it's OK that sex workers have your family money in their bank accounts.

OP I’m sorry that you have gone through this - it’s the lying, the sneaking around with family money that hurts the most isn’t it. If he says he wants to change and be a better husband / father, that is a good sign. My partner just denies that it’s happening unless I catch him red handed, and I’ve never been able to cajole him into saying “I’m sorry, I want to do better”.
I hope you are able to get through this and please don’t let it affect your own self esteem (easier said than done). It is a legitimate addiction that rewires the brain and has more to do with selfish, uncaring men wanting a quick dopamine fix, combined with the money hungry deranged owners of porn sites creating an ecosystem of addicts.
Wishing you all the best. You are not the only woman dealing with this betrayal, and I fear for our daughters ever finding a man who isn’t a porn addict.

And to echo taramaslata - yeah, it’s hard to feel attracted to a lying, thieving man even if you are married and have kids. I only ever want sex with him now if he initiates it (which he does, fairly reluctantly, once a week) OR when I just get too pent up and need some physical affection. But it’s created a huge chasm between us, emotionally and affectionately. It’s a very hard thing to deal with, and like I say, I think sadly very very common x

I am not having 'a fit of the vapours' because he watched some porn.

Op ignore that poster, two of us have tried to alert you to the fact s/he seems to be a troll, from their posts in another thread etc.

They've now taken to harassing me by private message, in top of accusing myself and youvegottwominuteslynn of bullying them in post after post.

Just ignore it, you shouldn't have to respond to nonsense like that.

I always wonder what answer men who say 'it's the same as porn' give when asked 'then why not just watch porn?'

Because if it's the same as porn but they choose to pay a cam girl, they either get off on telling a woman exactly what to do sexually as a sort of bespoke power play OR they know full well it's not the same as watching non interactive porn and are liars.

If it's not different to porn and porn is available in abundance at a click... they are getting something out of cam girls that they 'can't' from porn. And that thing is, IMO, usually the kick they get from directing a women to perform exactly as they want, exactly when they want. Because they fundamentally don't see that woman as a whole person, they see them as someone who is the sex they view as lesser than / designed to perform for the male gaze. Aka misogyny galore.

OP if he says he didn't think it was different to porn, ask him why he didn't watch porn then? What did he get from it that he couldn't get from watching porn? Direct power over another human performing sexually, that's what. Vile.

@WhiskeyGalore212

I am not having 'a fit of the vapours' because he watched some porn.

Op ignore that poster, two of us have tried to alert you to the fact s/he seems to be a troll, from their posts in another thread etc.

They've now taken to harassing me by private message, in top of accusing myself and youvegottwominuteslynn of bullying them in post after post.

Just ignore it, you shouldn't have to respond to nonsense like that.

Yeah I had a PM too. You'd think someone who wanted to be left alone wouldn't start private messaging. Needless to say I won't be responding!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I always wonder what answer men who say 'it's the same as porn' give when asked 'then why not just watch porn?'

Because if it's the same as porn but they choose to pay a cam girl, they either get off on telling a woman exactly what to do sexually as a sort of bespoke power play OR they know full well it's not the same as watching non interactive porn and are liars.

If it's not different to porn and porn is available in abundance at a click... they are getting something out of cam girls that they 'can't' from porn. And that thing is, IMO, usually the kick they get from directing a women to perform exactly as they want, exactly when they want. Because they fundamentally don't see that woman as a whole person, they see them as someone who is the sex they view as lesser than / designed to perform for the male gaze. Aka misogyny galore.

OP if he says he didn't think it was different to porn, ask him why he didn't watch porn then? What did he get from it that he couldn't get from watching porn? Direct power over another human performing sexually, that's what. Vile.

Also direct personal sexual interaction with another woman.

Also direct personal sexual interaction with another woman.

Absolutely. And I can't see an answer to that question (if it's the same as porn why not watch porn?! from a man who uses web cams that doesn't make them look like even more of an arsehole. Or alternatively a liar, who knows it's not the same thing at all.

You.dont get that from porn.

I think they see them as some kind of base, slutty sub species .. and using them isn't really cheating, especially when it's "only" by web cam.

Something that stuck in my mind from.a young poster who'd discovered her fiancee had used prostitutes during their relationship was him telling her that while, yes he'd done that "other than I've been completely faithful and have turned re down opportunities while socialising". It was very telling that he grouped the sex workers into ackmpletejy different category and felt he could say that other than them, he'd been faithful.

I tend to think there's an element of that with many men usually seen more "mildly" in cam sex and lap dances.

They're sex workers, they're not "real", it's (somehow) not really cheating.

How very convenient.