Can i ever get past the hurt my husband caused having cyber sex?

[Jstsaying123]

I have recently found out my husband has been watching a lot of porn ( for years) and now paying for live cybersex... I'm devastated, he has clearly been lying, he was disconnected from me even though I tried many times to talk about what's missing or changed. He made me doubt myself - which I really hate!
He says he is truely sorry & will be better, get therapy etc. He has deleted his accounts showing me bank details etc... But we have a couple of kids, married years and years.... Has anyone ever been through similar where their husband and have they really changed? and put the effort in to the marriage?? I can't understand why he will change now, ( just cause he got caught).. he could have said something ages ago. Is he just covering because he was caught and would he ever have stopped if I never caught him?? .... I don't think I should give up if he is actually doing work to improve but I also don't want taken advantage of....my brain is so confused I don't know what is the right thing to do. Has Anyone been in this situation or similar? I would love some advice and how things turned out for your marriage?
Thanks

Conversion ffs!

@Hanger0n

I really don't think I'd be having a fit of the vapours over this. Therapy because someone watched porn almost sounds a little like conversation therapy. People watch porn. Even the Victorians did it. Having therapy won't change that.

But it’s not porn.

MN will you PLEASE give us an edit button! Practically every thread people are having to repost to correct themselves!

Bluntness, it's porn? Just live. He's not having sex with them.

@Hanger0n

Bluntness, it's porn? Just live. He's not having sex with them.

Porn is a film, of people having sex.

Cam girls is a one/group on one interaction, where you pay someone to do what you wish them to do

It is not porn. It is prostitution

Hanger on, I have to wonder if you're a troll; your "advice" issi consistently bizarre across multiple threads.

You were notable for your single minded obsession with ops infidelity in the thread where she'd been analysing raped and injured by her affair partner; and now you're calling personal, paid sexual interaction via web cam porn, and saying op shouldn't be bothered.

No matter what, op is always wrong apparently.

I have to wonder ar your motives for posting on this forum.

I really don't think I'd be having a fit of the vapours over this. Therapy because someone watched porn almost sounds a little like conversation therapy. People watch porn. Even the Victorians did it. Having therapy won't change that

Even if it was 'just porn' (and live cam girls are different in my opinion) a lot of people have major issues with the ethical and social problems around the porn industry and its effect on all of us. So to many, many people it's not 'just' porn, it's an ethical and moral decision they have a problem with.

It should not be the default that everyone is completely ok with it and that if you take issue with it you are somehow the anomoly. That is the way society is going but that is as a result, in my view, of a hugely problematic and damaging brainwashing exercise.

*anally raped

Ah, just read Whisky's post. No point in engaging then.

Amazing how you wouldn't gave a fit of vapours over ops h paying for sexual interaction with other women (just happens to be via video) but spent cou takes pages of another thread posting critically and harshly about the infidelity of a clearly traumatised and controlled rape victim.

*countless pages

It depends what you are OK with, some people don't mind their partners watching videos, some do, some don't mind one on one interaction with another person, some do.

The way I look at is, how would you feel if he fired up zoom and had sexual interactions with Mary down the road. While he may not be physically having sex with her, he's paying for sexual content. It really does not matter who is on the screen, he's interacting live with her and getting his jollies. Would he be OK with you having sexual interactions on screen with another bloke? I doubt it.

You don't have to put a willy into a vagina to cheat, there's other forms of cheating, just because it's on a screen it doesn't make it not real. If he used sexual talk and had a wank over text messages you'd be pretty upset, this is next level where she is visible and naked and doing stuff and communicating with just him.

@WhiskeyGalore212 could you clarify who that post is directed to ?

Is he just covering because he was caught and would he ever have stopped if I never caught him??

I would think he'd not've stopped if he hadn't got caught.

I have worked with men who have been profoundly damaged by porn addiction, both physically and neurologically. It is a very difficult addiction to undo, and it takes years.

@Hanger0n

I really don't think I'd be having a fit of the vapours over this. Therapy because someone watched porn almost sounds a little like conversation therapy. People watch porn. Even the Victorians did it. Having therapy won't change that.

So, him paying someone to perform sexual acts is fine...?

@me4real

Is he just covering because he was caught and would he ever have stopped if I never caught him??

I would think he'd not've stopped if he hadn't got caught.

Guarantee he won't stop...just hide it better.

I'm an ex cam girl.
I think it is important to highlight that people have differently boundaries with porn. People draw their lines at different points. For example

1. filmed porn thats available on the general web
2. things like gonewild on reddit which is real amateur nudes. Some people view looking at "real" people too far, some people are fine with the viewing but not with commenting on posts
3. webcams can be either a one on one experience or a whole group experience with limited interaction between the viewer and cammer
4. something like only fans. On only fans you can pay to recieve a pre recorded group video thats sent to 100s of people, which I don't view any different to the content on mainstream porn sites, or you might be buying personal just for you content. You might be paying for a single photo or single video or having lengthy 1:1 sessions

I used to have a range of people that would view content. Some I had zero interaction with, they'd view the free mass stuff, others would view paid for stuff but general videos for anyone at that level of subscription, others would have 1:1 sessions without their cam or talking, others would chat to me pretty much all day long.

Everybody draws the line at some point, and its important to communicate what that line is. On mumsnet its very common that the line is zero porn, but thats not common in the outside world in my experience. I wouldn't mind viewing certain stuff but would draw the line at personal interactions

@Jstsaying123

Thanks for your replies. He said it was with different women. (I feel sick even typing this) He said he will start therapy and will change. He is saying all the right things but like what was said above, I will always be comparing myself to these other women in my head in the future. Also I can't police his phone/Internet activity forever. I'm just devastated he would intentionally break our marriage up like this.

I'd never be able to trust him, personally.

I'd never believe he'd stopped. I just think he was better at covering his tracks.

@Throwthecam

I'm an ex cam girl. I think it is important to highlight that people have differently boundaries with porn. People draw their lines at different points. For example 1) filmed porn thats available on the general web 2) things like gonewild on reddit which is real amateur nudes. Some people view looking at "real" people too far, some people are fine with the viewing but not with commenting on posts 3) webcams can be either a one on one experience or a whole group experience with limited interaction between the viewer and cammer 4) something like only fans. On only fans you can pay to recieve a pre recorded group video thats sent to 100s of people, which I don't view any different to the content on mainstream porn sites, or you might be buying personal just for you content. You might be paying for a single photo or single video or having lengthy 1:1 sessions

I used to have a range of people that would view content. Some I had zero interaction with, they'd view the free mass stuff, others would view paid for stuff but general videos for anyone at that level of subscription, others would have 1:1 sessions without their cam or talking, others would chat to me pretty much all day long.

Everybody draws the line at some point, and its important to communicate what that line is. On mumsnet its very common that the line is zero porn, but thats not common in the outside world in my experience. I wouldn't mind viewing certain stuff but would draw the line at personal interactions

Yes , having worked with several sex workers I know quite a few who have no tolerance for the industry anymore once they leave and some who are ok With your inside knowledge of how it works what would you be comfortable with a serious partner using ? Maybe a person you shared your life qnd or children with ? Is it something you consider harmless fun?

[quote 66babe]@WhiskeyGalore212 could you clarify who that post is directed to ? [/quote]
It's a continuation of my post at hanger on.

@Fredrica47346

Jstsaying123

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation, I totally understand why you feel devastated.

I found out my husband was secretly watching porn whilst me and dc were asleep upstairs (not to the extent of paying for it) but still, this was going on for months whilst I was tired with exhaustion with a toddler etc. I honestly believe my husband was more sorry he got caught than he was for watching it. I don't believe he would have stopped had he not been caught. A lot of people don't have a problem with porn but I do and it crossed a boundary. Like you I have dc (who are still young) and it's like I'm left to deal with my feelings around this now, it's all sort of imposed upon me. I am entering therapy soon. My husband believes the therapist will help me to see how I am 'over-reacting.' The difficulty is, it has brought up some past hurts which is compounding everything and highlighted that perhaps my marriage wasn't as solid as it could have been or I had originally thought and this is a harsh reality to confront. I have lost respect for him and more than that no longer fully trust him.

It seems that there are a couple of posts a week at least on mn. about similar situations. I keep reading these threads hoping to gain a different viewpoint but unfortunately nothing has changed for me. Porn is damaging on so many levels and has spiralled out of control in terms of access (I shudder when I think of the access young men/boys have to this type of stuff and it becomes normalised).

Hopefully, others will come along soon and give more advice. I don't really have many people to talk to in real life, I am desperate to enter therapy to help me clarify my thoughts so have nothing more to add at the moment but didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

Your feelings are totally legitimate. A man who does this, and heaven knows what else he might be hiding. I wouldn't want him anywhere near my kids tbh.

btw onlyfans has been in the news recently with regard to enabling user content with under age kids.

@beigebrownblue

btw onlyfans has been in the news recently with regard to enabling user content with under age kids.

Along with other porn sites

You cant 'therapy' respect into anyone. Someone has it for you or they don't. He doesn't need councilling, he is just a dick. A dick who cheats on his wife with camgirls because he is a selfish arse with no empathy or respect for his partner (or women in general, I'd wager).

You should not be asking yourself if you can forgive such a thing. You should be asking yourself why on earth you are even considering it. He cheated multiple times and there was no 'regret' until caught. Tells you exactly what you need to know about his shitty character.