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Original poster

My partner likes me to say that all the things I do, I do “for him.”

108 replies

Makenmarkle · 20/07/2021 22:44

Been together 2 years, both divorced and have DCs so live apart.

This is a bit of a weird one.

DP likes to think, and for me to say, that everything I do, I do with him in mind. It’s mainly things in the realm of personal care and nurturing things like doing my hair, waxing my legs, cooking, clothes or beauty stuff. He likes me to say that I am doing it for him, to look nice for him, to make him happy etc. He likes the effort and the statement and validation of the effort I am putting in for him.

I got my hair done the other day when I was supposed to be meeting him, and the appointment ran over, making us late for something he had booked. I called to apologise and say I will be late. He said it was fine and he hadn’t thought twice because he knew I was doing my hair for him. Hmm I wasn’t!

At the beginning of our relationship when we first started sleeping together I had admitted to buying new underwear before we slept together as I had not had sex since I was married and he said he found it such a turn on that I had done that for him and he had, had to immediately go somewhere private masturbate. The thought of me wanting to wear something new to him, going to the shop, trying things on, spending money and wearing it “for him.”

Ironically it doesn’t have to be something that actually looks nice or makes a difference. It’s the statement of “I did this for you.”

Is this a red flag? Is this a thing? Is this a fetish? What is it? Ever come across this before?

OP posts:
PearPickingPorky · 20/07/2021 22:48

It sounds like a bit of a fetish Confused

rjacksmiss · 20/07/2021 22:50

His maw definitely ignored him as a child.

BrutusMcDogface · 20/07/2021 22:52

I’d be freaked out by him admitting to having to immediately go somewhere private to masturbate......Confused

DoodleBelle · 20/07/2021 22:52

Yikes.

AlexaShutUp · 20/07/2021 22:53

Sounds creepy to me. And fucking arrogant tbh. I'm afraid I'd have to tell him that I was doing stuff for myself!

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 20/07/2021 22:55

He went away to masturbate privately? That a is a whole load of weird.

I'd be uncomfortable with this. If it is a fetish, surely it's a fetish that revolves around your subservience? The idea that you are doing things 'for him' is about you being subservient.

minipie · 20/07/2021 22:55

anyone else hearing Bryan Adams right now?

Seriously OP I think it could a bit of a red flag. It’s like he wants you to be centreing him all the time. What would happen if you said “Actually I got my hair done for me!” ?

Arrivederla · 20/07/2021 22:56

Total weirdo. Sorry but this is not normal behaviour.

LocalHobo · 20/07/2021 22:58

Mmmm, doesn't sound great.
Does he 'do things for you'? If he goes to the barbershop or buys a new shirt?
Maybe, if reciprocal behaviour, it makes him feel your relationship is secure.

NewlyGranny · 20/07/2021 22:58

Well, the $64k question is, what does he do 'for you'? Shave? Use deodorant? Empty the bins? Sieve turds out of the cat litter? Start gushing about what a turn on that is for you.

That should put a stop to it.

Goldenfan · 20/07/2021 22:59

Sounds like he could be controlling. Definitely a red flag

merryhouse · 20/07/2021 23:01

oooh, I couldn't be doing with that

I imagine it would get old very quickly. Far too needy (disclaimer: fairly certain I have an ASD).

(also echoing the posters querying the masturbation statement)

excelledyourself · 20/07/2021 23:05

Seriously giving me the heave.

Bbub · 20/07/2021 23:12

I see it a bit differently to PPs, like if he gets excited about you doing things that you would do anyway for yourself, then it's like an easy ride for you. I'm sure he's not deluded that you literally do everything just for his existence, and I doubt you lie to him feeding it, more just letting him think it.

It does seem odd if I'm honest but who doesn't have weird fetishes...i do 😁 as long as its not harming anyone, (and you didn't state in your OP that it made you feel uncomfortable) , I don't think it's a big deal.

LawnFever · 20/07/2021 23:12

Giving me the ikk just reading this, why did he have to tell you about going off to have a w*nk Confused

Ugh, the whole concept is weird and a bit creepy, and what happens if you can’t be bothered to get your hair done/shave your legs etc, will he take that as a personal insult? It’s up to you how you dress, get done beauty wise etc, it’s not just for his benefit.

This would 100% put me off him.

Bbub · 20/07/2021 23:18

If he's controlling about it that's another matter but you haven't said that anywhere. Just that he seems abnormally excited over your normal personal grooming 😅 I can see how it can feel a bit much.

I don't think him going off to have a wank is that big a deal either, as long as he's not doing it over every little thing! He was excited about you buying underwear just for him at the start of your relationship, I don't see any harm in anything you've written tbh.

Mintlegs · 20/07/2021 23:23

My goodness, if I had a man who loved this I would think I’d won in life! Spend money on myself and this makes him happy? Win win to me! Much worse things he could get turned on by!

Blindleadingtheblind · 20/07/2021 23:23

It's just bloody weird. If you didn't wax your legs for a but what would his reaction be? I couldnt be doing with any of this nonsense

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 20/07/2021 23:32

I'm not sure the underwear thing is so ick between people in a sexual relationship. She did in that instance buy it to look good for him in anticipation of sex so hardly surprising his thoughts went that way. Surely that was what she intended and why sexy underwear is a thing at all.

The rest of it does sound more odd.
DH likes if I make an effort with my appearance before we go on a date and again in that instance I am doing it partly
for his approval and enjoyment. It is reciprocal though and I would expect him to look nice and attend to grooming once in a while also.

Where it tips into odd is if every little thing HAS to be about pleasing him. That sounds close to possessive and controlling. What if OP wants to look nice on a work night out or a girls night? If it's not 'for him' is she allowed to do that? Is he going to start accusing her of trying to attract other men if a mans approval is the only reason in his eyes to make any effort?

RiaOverTheRainbow · 20/07/2021 23:39

Definitely sounds like a fetish, it's the fantasy that you 'live to serve him'. Up to you how you feel about it, it sounds fairly harmless in itself though I'd keep a sharp eye for signs of control. Personally I'd find it a massive turn off.

PickAChew · 20/07/2021 23:42

Ugh. It's all a it self centred. What an ego!

Sandra15 · 20/07/2021 23:45

Yuk. Is he Bryan Adams?

Antwerpen · 20/07/2021 23:46

Does he have a Bryan Adams fetish OP....or a penchant for green tights?
Either way he’s creepy LTB

Bravoecholima · 20/07/2021 23:46

What happens if you make an effort with your appearance to go somewhere/do something without him?

PurpleTrilby · 20/07/2021 23:48

Sorry but that's deeply weird to me. And I'm no prude. I think you answered your own question. You don't seem to like it either. That's okay.