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Original poster

My partner likes me to say that all the things I do, I do “for him.”

108 replies

Makenmarkle · 20/07/2021 22:44

Been together 2 years, both divorced and have DCs so live apart.

This is a bit of a weird one.

DP likes to think, and for me to say, that everything I do, I do with him in mind. It’s mainly things in the realm of personal care and nurturing things like doing my hair, waxing my legs, cooking, clothes or beauty stuff. He likes me to say that I am doing it for him, to look nice for him, to make him happy etc. He likes the effort and the statement and validation of the effort I am putting in for him.

I got my hair done the other day when I was supposed to be meeting him, and the appointment ran over, making us late for something he had booked. I called to apologise and say I will be late. He said it was fine and he hadn’t thought twice because he knew I was doing my hair for him. Hmm I wasn’t!

At the beginning of our relationship when we first started sleeping together I had admitted to buying new underwear before we slept together as I had not had sex since I was married and he said he found it such a turn on that I had done that for him and he had, had to immediately go somewhere private masturbate. The thought of me wanting to wear something new to him, going to the shop, trying things on, spending money and wearing it “for him.”

Ironically it doesn’t have to be something that actually looks nice or makes a difference. It’s the statement of “I did this for you.”

Is this a red flag? Is this a thing? Is this a fetish? What is it? Ever come across this before?

OP posts:
EccentricaGalumbits · 20/07/2021 23:55

You haven't given us any clues about the rest of your relationship and what he is like. My gut is telling me there's more flags flying but I'm interested to hear if this is a complete one-off and he's otherwise perfect.

How do you feel about going along with his little quirk?

Tigertealeaves · 20/07/2021 23:56

Ewww. Sorry.

No way could I be with a man who insisted that everything I did was "for him". Sounds like something out of Mad Men.

Up to you if you can stand to live with it...

Holothane · 20/07/2021 23:59

I do th9ngs for me not dh, this sounds weird, and so early on too.

IceLace100 · 21/07/2021 00:06

Defo sounds like he has a kink for this OP.

I wouldn't say this was uncommon / unusual. It's pretty tame as kinks go! Sounds like this is very much 'fantasy land' for him. As PP said, He can't be so deluded as to actually think you do these things for him. Logically I'm sure he knows you had your hair done before he arrived on the scene! Maybe he just wants to hear it as a fantasy?

BUT if you're not comfortable with it, he should not be forcing it on you without express consent. And if you don't want to engage with it, you should tell him.

Inthetropics · 21/07/2021 00:07

Meh. I couldn't possibly get worked up by this! Some people find it exciting if their partner does some grooming for them. I sure do love when my wife (lesbian) tries to ook nice for me.Surely he doesn't go through life thinking you do everything for him, just maybe feel validated by it (so he's probably a but insecure, maybe)?

Ninkanink · 21/07/2021 00:08

I don’t like it at all. I couldn’t be with a man like that.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/07/2021 00:10

It could be insecurity, if wonder what the last serious relationship was like

Goldielow · 21/07/2021 00:21

Sounds like a kink or a fetish. Have a conversation with him about it and ask him what it is that he enjoys about it. If you're comfortable then there's no harm, just make sure you set some boundaries. If you're not comfortable, tell him you don't want him to say these things anymore.

Kinks and fetishes are not necessarily bad things, we all have turn ons but some people's are a little more confusing than others. I used to work with a man who told me his wife liked him to tell her about his sexual fantasies about other women and she got off on it. He didn't mind it and they enjoyed that kinky part of their sexual relationship.
If you don't like it, tell him. If you don't mind it, still talk it over and set some boundaries. If you like doing this, communicate this link together.

HerrenaHarridan · 21/07/2021 00:28

You lot sound so fun 🤩

I love when my partner dresses up for me (he does too... it’s fucking great!) and when he tells me about his masturbatory habits. We both do that in fact, sometimes in great detail.
There are well thumbed letters by the side of my bed that are easily the best erotica I have ever come across.

He doesn’t expect me to dress a certain way, trim or shave any hair or assume any authority over my appearance

He would be pleased to see me in my 3 day old pjs but would be immediately turned on to see me dressed up: having made noticeable effort with my appearance.

I think there is something sweet about knowing someone has spent time choosing clothes, doing their nails etc for a date

I 100% would not tolerate any expectation that was a daily occurrence though... fuck that noise

greatestdancer · 21/07/2021 00:36

It sounds like a fetish to me, I suppose it’s up to you how you feel about it. Does he do things for you?

PussInBin20 · 21/07/2021 00:42

@NewlyGranny

Well, the $64k question is, what does he do 'for you'? Shave? Use deodorant? Empty the bins? Sieve turds out of the cat litter? Start gushing about what a turn on that is for you.

That should put a stop to it.

😂 😂 😂 😂
Jasmine11 · 21/07/2021 06:03

That is weird and creepy and would give me the ick!

CeeceeBloomingdale · 21/07/2021 06:14

It's weird and I would feel the need to correct him every time.

NotaCoolMum · 21/07/2021 06:18

The Creep-o-meter is pinging at maximum levels on this guy. He sounds very bizarre. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Whiskycav · 21/07/2021 06:24

At the beginning of our relationship when we first started sleeping together I had admitted to buying new underwear before we slept together as I had not had sex since I was married and he said he found it such a turn on that I had done that for him and he had, had to immediately go somewhere private masturbate.

What? He went and wanked, because you bought new underwear, when you knew you were going to have sex? Was that for him, or was it to make you feel more confident?

Honestly, this would put me right off. I dated someone who said he like I put so much effort in for him. I kept telling him, I was putting effort in for me. Then it was clear he didn't like me looking nice going anywhere not for him. I video called him one morning while getting ready for work, he was pissed off I looked good for work when I wasn't seeing him.

I dumped him immediately.

It sounds like a fetish, but it will soon go south if he ever thinks you are putting effort in for someone else. This sort of person can't grasp, that a woman wouldn't be doing these thing unless it's for another man. So, they jump straight to 'She is cheating'.

CheekiBreeki · 21/07/2021 06:32

Not bothered about the new underwear being a turn on thing. In the context of a new relationship that doesn't sound creepy to me.

But all the other stuff sounds very weird and arrogant and it would really put me off. Sounds like it has already put you off but you're just hoping someone on here will tell you it's normal so you don't have to end the relationship.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 21/07/2021 06:44

I'd have said something by now. Along the lines of don't flatter yourself this is how I always dress and I always do these things.

Maybe he has had women who don't. I once had a friend who didn't. She had a new new boyfriend of about 3 months and we met for late lunch then she was going straight out somewhere with him. She had really scruffy clothes on and her belongings for the night in a sainsburys carrier bag. To each their own but I wouldn't have turned up on an outing with girlfriends like that.

Could be he likes the effort but you should make it clear you do it anyway for yourself

girlmom21 · 21/07/2021 06:45

It's definitely a fetish and I can see it turning in to a 'who are you dressing like that for?' if you buy something for a night out without him, for example.

NotaCoolMum · 21/07/2021 06:53

I don’t think it’s a fetish thing at all- I think it’s a control thing and he wants you to exist solely for his pleasure. He sounds disgusting

CrouchEndTiger12 · 21/07/2021 06:54

What I meant sorry was that I wouldn't have turned up for any outing be it with friends or a man without making an effort and with a sainsburys bag with my stuff for the night. Again the effort would be for me though.

He actually told you he masturbated because you bought new underwear. That was for you too to make you feel more confident

FavouriteMug · 21/07/2021 07:03

How would he respond if you pointed out that you were getting your hair cut for you and not for him. His reaction could potentially be quite telling?

WendyYourExcellency · 21/07/2021 07:07

I think it’s quite sweet, as long as he rationally knows those things aren’t ‘for him’ - he is hugely turned on by you noticing him and trying to impress him.

We can’t help what gets us off. I can only feel turned on if I think my partner’s really into it, that’s just the way I am, maybe it’s about confidence, but it doesn’t hurt my partner and means we’re on the same page.

curlymom · 21/07/2021 07:13

@Goldenfan

Sounds like he could be controlling. Definitely a red flag
I agree.
Peoniesandpeaches · 21/07/2021 07:14

@rjacksmiss

His maw definitely ignored him as a child.
My instant thought! He sounds a bit ego centric and may be prone to feeling threatened if you try something new or meet someone new.
Bancha · 21/07/2021 07:19

@NotaCoolMum

I don’t think it’s a fetish thing at all- I think it’s a control thing and he wants you to exist solely for his pleasure. He sounds disgusting
Totally agree with this. He sounds vile.