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Original poster

My partner likes me to say that all the things I do, I do “for him.”

108 replies

Makenmarkle · 20/07/2021 22:44

Been together 2 years, both divorced and have DCs so live apart.

This is a bit of a weird one.

DP likes to think, and for me to say, that everything I do, I do with him in mind. It’s mainly things in the realm of personal care and nurturing things like doing my hair, waxing my legs, cooking, clothes or beauty stuff. He likes me to say that I am doing it for him, to look nice for him, to make him happy etc. He likes the effort and the statement and validation of the effort I am putting in for him.

I got my hair done the other day when I was supposed to be meeting him, and the appointment ran over, making us late for something he had booked. I called to apologise and say I will be late. He said it was fine and he hadn’t thought twice because he knew I was doing my hair for him. Hmm I wasn’t!

At the beginning of our relationship when we first started sleeping together I had admitted to buying new underwear before we slept together as I had not had sex since I was married and he said he found it such a turn on that I had done that for him and he had, had to immediately go somewhere private masturbate. The thought of me wanting to wear something new to him, going to the shop, trying things on, spending money and wearing it “for him.”

Ironically it doesn’t have to be something that actually looks nice or makes a difference. It’s the statement of “I did this for you.”

Is this a red flag? Is this a thing? Is this a fetish? What is it? Ever come across this before?

OP posts:
UseOfWeapons · 21/07/2021 07:21

@NotaCoolMum

I don’t think it’s a fetish thing at all- I think it’s a control thing and he wants you to exist solely for his pleasure. He sounds disgusting
I couldn’t agree more! This sounds like control to me, it won’t be long before he’s telling you what to wear. As a pp has said, what if you told him that you’re doing these things for yourself, what would his reaction be? Or if you didn’t do them at all? 🚩🚩🚩
Whiskycav · 21/07/2021 07:23

@NotaCoolMum

I don’t think it’s a fetish thing at all- I think it’s a control thing and he wants you to exist solely for his pleasure. He sounds disgusting
But if that turns him on and he has to go off and wank, as op said he did whe he found out she bought new underwear for the first time they had sex. Its a fetish. If you get what I mean.

Thinking a woman exist for your pleasure only, is a fairly common fetish.

Spidey66 · 21/07/2021 07:23

I'd hate that. It sounds creepy.

Whiskycav · 21/07/2021 07:24

Sorry I mean I agree its controlling and that it's also a fetish. Not sure if I explained well Blush

bigbaggyeyes · 21/07/2021 07:26

Urghhh the underwear thing made me feel a bit ick

As for the rest, that also makes me feel uncomfortable, how is he if you get glammed up (ok we've not had chance lately) to go out with friends, or wear a new outfit for work?

PiccalilliChilli · 21/07/2021 07:27

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

My partner likes me to say that all the things I do, I do “for him.”
Converse72 · 21/07/2021 07:28

@Bbub

I see it a bit differently to PPs, like if he gets excited about you doing things that you would do anyway for yourself, then it's like an easy ride for you. I'm sure he's not deluded that you literally do everything just for his existence, and I doubt you lie to him feeding it, more just letting him think it.

It does seem odd if I'm honest but who doesn't have weird fetishes...i do 😁 as long as its not harming anyone, (and you didn't state in your OP that it made you feel uncomfortable) , I don't think it's a big deal.

Yeh, but what happens when the OP stops doing the stuff 'for him'? What happens when she's a bit run down, had the cold, spends the week slobbing out in her PJs? He will start acting like a man child because she didn't make the effort for him.
IHateFlies · 21/07/2021 07:28

I’d be worried about this. Does he think of you only in context of how much effort you put into yourself for his personal pleasure?
What happens if you’re ill and haven’t even brushed your hair for a couple of days?

Divebar2021 · 21/07/2021 07:38

As usual anything even slightly left of centre sexually speaking brings out the condemnation. Someone can actually be turned on by something without it being a kink or a fetish you know. I bet if there was something that turned you on you wouldn’t be saying that … it would just be natural or otherwise acceptable. I don’t think you can pluck this particular issue out and review it separately from the rest of the relationship. What’s the rest of the relationship like? Is there anything else about his behaviour that leads you to believe he’s controlling or difficult?

Shodan · 21/07/2021 07:44

It would annoy me, tbh, even without the worry that (as some pps have said) he might start getting aggressive if you bought a dress for a night out without him, for example.

It seems arrogant to me and I can't bear arrogance.

Terhou · 21/07/2021 07:45

@Bbub

I see it a bit differently to PPs, like if he gets excited about you doing things that you would do anyway for yourself, then it's like an easy ride for you. I'm sure he's not deluded that you literally do everything just for his existence, and I doubt you lie to him feeding it, more just letting him think it.

It does seem odd if I'm honest but who doesn't have weird fetishes...i do 😁 as long as its not harming anyone, (and you didn't state in your OP that it made you feel uncomfortable) , I don't think it's a big deal.

The problem is that this will very quickly turn round the other way. Every time he decides OP has fallen below his standards, he'll treat it as a personal slight. Wearing something unsexy for comfort? Failing to put on make-up? Refusing to wear high heels because they hurt? All of those are liable to end up being characterised as a failure on OP's part to "respect" him and his fragile man ego.
Whiskycav · 21/07/2021 07:46

@Divebar2021

As usual anything even slightly left of centre sexually speaking brings out the condemnation. Someone can actually be turned on by something without it being a kink or a fetish you know. I bet if there was something that turned you on you wouldn’t be saying that … it would just be natural or otherwise acceptable. I don’t think you can pluck this particular issue out and review it separately from the rest of the relationship. What’s the rest of the relationship like? Is there anything else about his behaviour that leads you to believe he’s controlling or difficult?
Kink or fetish are not negative words. If certain acts turn you on, then that's your kink or fetish. Most people do have things that they find a turn on, that's their kink or fetish.

The kink/fetish can be negative, but having a kink or fetish is not innately bad.

This kink/fetish is focused, can definitely be a negative one as he seems convinced any effort op puts in to her appearance, couldn't possibly for herself, only him.

Its very self focused. It makes the ops everyday acts, for herself, into sexual kicks for him. And it can easily, turn into him thinking she is doing it for someone else. And not for him. The minute he thinks it's not for him, it's likely to go south.

MajesticWhine · 21/07/2021 07:48

I think a fetish that comes out in the bedroom is fine but if it's applying to everyday life it could get quite annoying and hints at dominance and control. I would be having a talk about it and clarify a few things.

JustGiveMeGin · 21/07/2021 07:51

I'm not sure, it could be lovely if he appreciates the little things you do (waxing etc especially if you would be doing it anyway, he would be easy to please Grin)
On the other had he could turn out to be a controlling knob that starts to get angry every time you make an effort, to go out with friends for example.
The wanking over the new underwear... I don't get the distaste shown by some posters, the op told him she had bought the underwear presumably for sex later on. He got excited! I would be pleased it had that effect on him (got my monies worth Wink).
If he isn't a controlling knob I wouldn't mind him thinking I was getting my hair done 'for him'. I would be getting my hair done anyway and it would make him happy to think I had made the effort.
I suppose only time will tell whether he just gets turned on by his partner making an effort with their appearance and feeling it is done with him in mind or if he is controlling and will get jealous the first time he thinks it hasn't been done 'for him' (and his reaction to that situation when it happens will be telling)

honeylulu · 21/07/2021 08:12

I dunno about the fetish stuff (sheltered life) but there is a rather misogynistic undertone to it.

A lot of men consider women to be a sort of subspecies of human, who exist below men in the pecking order to serve them in various ways, including titillation. That's what it makes me think of.

I would have given him the boot long ago. And every one of his little "for me" comments would have been met with the retort "Not everything is about you Derek".

2bazookas · 21/07/2021 08:16

Just be happy he appreciates youand makes a point of complimenting you.

name6785 · 21/07/2021 08:26

That strikes me as deep rooted parental issues! Gross.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/07/2021 08:28

@2bazookas

Just be happy he appreciates youand makes a point of complimenting you.
Even though it makes her uncomfortable?
Naunet · 21/07/2021 08:48

Ugh, no thanks. I’d be hugely turned off in being expected to pander to his ego.

JungleBeats · 21/07/2021 08:56

That's gross.

It's been 2 years!

ILoveShula · 21/07/2021 09:15

Ugh!

Not RTFT, the OP was bad enough.

Original poster
Makenmarkle · 21/07/2021 10:51

Just to answer a few questions. If I don’t do something “for him” or get ill/ look scruffy etc, he doesn’t notice. He only notices the positive stuff. “I got my hair done because I was coming to see you. I wore this because I know you like it. I painted my nails because you think it’s sexy. I cooked this meal because I want to make you happy.” I could even turn it around and say “I felt so ill and snotty but I came to see you because I love you.”

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 21/07/2021 10:54

What does he say when you point out that you do it for yourself, not for him? Does he simply go limp?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2021 10:58

What a creepy, self-absorbed weirdo. He has controlling monster written all over him.

Bbub · 21/07/2021 11:16

I wish a guy would appreciate how much effort I make, I spent hours getting ready for a date last week and he didn't even give a cursory "you look lovely" and I actually looked bloody gorgeous if I do say so myself.

You haven't said it makes you uncomfortable OP, you've confirmed he doesn't complain if you don't do these things. So I don't see any issue.

I think it's nice he notices the things you do and appreciates them (even if it is a bit cringe that he likes to pretend it's only for him). I can imagine it grates, and you can tell him to tone it down if it's annoying? But I don't get the reactions on this thread.

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