My partner likes me to say that all the things I do, I do “for him.”

[Makenmarkle]

Been together 2 years, both divorced and have DCs so live apart.

This is a bit of a weird one.

DP likes to think, and for me to say, that everything I do, I do with him in mind. It’s mainly things in the realm of personal care and nurturing things like doing my hair, waxing my legs, cooking, clothes or beauty stuff. He likes me to say that I am doing it for him, to look nice for him, to make him happy etc. He likes the effort and the statement and validation of the effort I am putting in for him.

I got my hair done the other day when I was supposed to be meeting him, and the appointment ran over, making us late for something he had booked. I called to apologise and say I will be late. He said it was fine and he hadn’t thought twice because he knew I was doing my hair for him. I wasn’t!

At the beginning of our relationship when we first started sleeping together I had admitted to buying new underwear before we slept together as I had not had sex since I was married and he said he found it such a turn on that I had done that for him and he had, had to immediately go somewhere private masturbate. The thought of me wanting to wear something new to him, going to the shop, trying things on, spending money and wearing it “for him.”

Ironically it doesn’t have to be something that actually looks nice or makes a difference. It’s the statement of “I did this for you.”

Is this a red flag? Is this a thing? Is this a fetish? What is it? Ever come across this before?

I think that as long as you can do what you want and look how you want with no negative consequences, it doesn't matter.

Much better than being with someone who doesn't appreciate what you do for them.

However, keep a look out for any controlling tendencies.

He’s either needy or controlling- not sure which. I would find it creepy.

To quote another song - Run To The Hills!

"had to immediately go somewhere private masturbate."

God that is totally gross and I can't believe he actually admitted that and said the words out loud. I would have run a mile..

Where was this private place he had to go to have a wank?

Because it wasn't at home was it? Wasn't at yours as surely he would have just had sex with you?

So he was somewhere public? Work? Supermarket? His parents living room? That bit alone makes is grim

Does he see you as an actual person with likes, dislikes, hobbies and needs or are you simply an object that exists to please him?

If he gets his hair cut or buys new socks does he do it for you ?

I'd just start making a few comments the other way.

Ooh darling, you've cut your toenails - just for me! You've been trimming your nose hair. It's so sexy!

Don't bother. Just ditch him.

O think the thing to watch for is whether you're equally respected when you do something that is undeniably just for you, OP.

Coffee with you friends, say, or book club, a purchase only you will use - and not to beautify yourself 'for him'.

If he's fine with that, I'd let the comments pass without encouraging them.

But if he reads you pleasing yourself as robbing him, he needs to go out with the sieved cat turds. 😉

My XP would thank me for wearing mascara. I hardly ever wear mascara as I dislike it, and i never wore it 'for him'

I also remember some other comments that suggests that any effort with my appearance was for him. Like 'you don't have to remove body hair for my benefit' - er, i wear whatever body hair style I like.

He complained that I looked like I wore the same clothes all the time

On top of this he wore clothes his mum bought him, was overweight so got his clothes from outsize shop.

Ugh!

.

What a self-absorbed twat.

Dumpsville.

@Makenmarkle

Just to answer a few questions. If I don’t do something “for him” or get ill/ look scruffy etc, he doesn’t notice. He only notices the positive stuff. “I got my hair done because I was coming to see you. I wore this because I know you like it. I painted my nails because you think it’s sexy. I cooked this meal because I want to make you happy.” I could even turn it around and say “I felt so ill and snotty but I came to see you because I love you.”

So what would happen if you said "No, actually, i got my hair done because I fancied trying something different/the length was annoying me, I wore this because I like it, I painted my nails because I wanted to, I cooked this meal only because I like it".

@NotaCoolMum

I don’t think it’s a fetish thing at all- I think it’s a control thing and he wants you to exist solely for his pleasure. He sounds disgusting

It could be both!

does he think you are Bryan Adams??

I don't think he should be penalised for having a fetish. So what if other people find it "yuk?"

He's not controlling you is he - you haven't said that he is? This fetish that turns him on, doesn't automatically mean he's a controlling abuser

If you don't like it that's fine, decide if you want to put up with him or not ; personally I think you sound irritated with it all so "or not" may be the end result.

Jeez, what an ego!

On the plus side, he sounds easily pleased - I slobbed about today reading a book for you; I had an extra biscuit for you; I went out and had a laugh with my mates for you. Sorted.

Urgh. I’d have said “fuck off I didn’t do it for you, I did it for me” every single time. Just reading that made me shudder!

It's weird. It's as though he's trying to train you to please him

I would totally hate that. Cooking a meal for him, fine but hair cuts and generally looking after yourself, for him. I mean maybe there are women who do this?

Does he also say that he does everything for you?

Jesus mary&joseph-I thought id just read the page of a womans mag-circa 1950-something..this servitude (&submission) to the male ego was the shit forced on my mums generation..Big red flag@Makenmarkle. My ex used to like me saying how i did this,liked that,bought this,cooked that..i lasted18mths as id never seen it before&was young(read30yrs ago)..its now termed co-ercive control and is a way to ensure he is the pivotal point at which you operate,first and foremost..This is disguised well with love-bombing&eventually progresses to gaslighting if you're really lucky(like me) so in the end you are a shell of yourself&"need"them to orbit around..dont ignore what this man is showing you whilst you can still feel&recognise something is "off"..

@Mintlegs

My goodness, if I had a man who loved this I would think I’d won in life! Spend money on myself and this makes him happy? Win win to me! Much worse things he could get turned on by!

Heed this wise woman, op.

The key thing for me would be if you feel you need to do any of these things for him, if it’s what you do for yourself anyway, then sure it’s a bit of a kink but a fairly harmless one.
If he feels he can dictate what you do/wear, gets in a ‘mood’ when you do your thing and it’s not to spend time with him then I would say there is an issue.

You know your relationship the best, from what you said it seems he takes pleasure from you making yourself look good/feel good, surely that is just an ego boost to you.

Wish you’d seen my face about the wank. Felt slightly violated just reading it.

I think saying it is more of a flag than just thinking it.