My partner likes me to say that all the things I do, I do “for him.”

[Makenmarkle]

Been together 2 years, both divorced and have DCs so live apart.

This is a bit of a weird one.

DP likes to think, and for me to say, that everything I do, I do with him in mind. It’s mainly things in the realm of personal care and nurturing things like doing my hair, waxing my legs, cooking, clothes or beauty stuff. He likes me to say that I am doing it for him, to look nice for him, to make him happy etc. He likes the effort and the statement and validation of the effort I am putting in for him.

I got my hair done the other day when I was supposed to be meeting him, and the appointment ran over, making us late for something he had booked. I called to apologise and say I will be late. He said it was fine and he hadn’t thought twice because he knew I was doing my hair for him. I wasn’t!

At the beginning of our relationship when we first started sleeping together I had admitted to buying new underwear before we slept together as I had not had sex since I was married and he said he found it such a turn on that I had done that for him and he had, had to immediately go somewhere private masturbate. The thought of me wanting to wear something new to him, going to the shop, trying things on, spending money and wearing it “for him.”

Ironically it doesn’t have to be something that actually looks nice or makes a difference. It’s the statement of “I did this for you.”

Is this a red flag? Is this a thing? Is this a fetish? What is it? Ever come across this before?

This is DEFINITELY a kink. Ok in its own right, bit if he's going to let it play out then the situation needs your full, enthusiastic and informed consent.

Otherwise he's sneaking some (pretty invasive and widely encompassing) things into your everyday existence, so that he can get off. Not a nice, respectful or mature way to behave towards a partner.

😫

Creep alert

That would creep me out.

@marmaladehound

I would totally hate that. Cooking a meal for him, fine but hair cuts and generally looking after yourself, for him. I mean maybe there are women who do this?

Does he also say that he does everything for you?

That’s not what OP is saying though (unless there has been further clarification, I haven’t seen any). These are things she is already doing, because she wants to, he likes to imagine she is doing it for him. If he was asking her to do things for him that would be completely different and definitely controlling behaviour. Doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happening here though.

He sounds like an awful gobshite.

A controlling, creepy one.

Ick, ick, ick.

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

He went away to masturbate privately? That a is a whole load of weird.

I'd be uncomfortable with this. If it is a fetish, surely it's a fetish that revolves around your subservience? The idea that you are doing things 'for him' is about you being subservient.

Surely it would be much worse if he wasn't doing that privately....

@RedRocketGirl

🤣