Lovely husband versus different life with friend – what to do?

[KormasABitch]

Apologies for the long post, I will try not to dripfeed.

I have a lovely husband, let’s call him Pete. We’ve been together almost a decade. He’s devoted to me, endlessly kind; nothing is too much trouble. A few years ago, we moved to a country where, unfortunately, he can’t get work (I’m OK as I work online). We’re planning to move elsewhere. In the meantime, he does all the shopping and cooking, chops wood for the fire, etc. We get on brilliantly and have none of the irritations I associate even with close friendships. We have the same tastes in music, films etc and often enjoy lovely weekends away doing things together like hiking or cycling. We never get bored with each other’s company.

Pete’s quite a bit younger than me, which hasn’t worried us over the years because as far as we’re concerned, being incredibly compatible is so lucky that it outweighs everything. However, one snag is our difference in life experience. He’s used to renting a place, and I’m not sure he’ll ever be what I’d call a responsible home owner. General maintenance etc doesn’t seem to occur to him, and I don’t want to be a nag, but find the overall neglect depressing when I’m so busy. He covers the basics, but anything else is a bit like pushing water uphill.

None of this might have mattered had it not been for life throwing me a curve ball.

My oldest friend, “John” (we’ve known each other 20-odd years), got divorced a couple of years ago. I helped him through the emotional process. We’ve always been close (despite him living in another country), but I suppose that brought us a bit closer for a while. I never thought much of it when he left his wife, but over the past couple of years we have exchanged friendly (not flirtatious!) messages and sometimes I find myself pining for the kind of life I could have with him. Over the years, we’ve had some great adventures together (when married to other people, so we never acknowledged or acted on the chemistry that was there), we have a good laugh, we understand each other well, and we have the same values. Pete, for example, can’t be bothered with family and I wish he made more effort to know my parents, who won’t be around for much longer; whereas I know John would connect well.

I am approaching retirement age and financial security has become more important to me than it once was. I hate to admit it, but combining forces with someone who has worked as hard as me is also appealing.

This is all churning round and round in my head, and I feel ridiculous. I don’t want to discuss it with anyone IRL, but would appreciate any input here. I hate feeling even a smidgen of disloyalty to Pete, because I adore him. It feels as though my priorities in life might be shifting somewhat, but maybe I’m just doing that “grass greener” thing and should just STFU.

You have a DH problem, not a love triangle problem.

John is a fantasy - forget it. The problem is Pete. He's a man-child and, on top of that, your move to a country where he can't work has turned him into an inadvertent cocklodger. No wonder you're looking elsewhere.

Move to a country where Pete can work, then reassess. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him, or end the relationship?

@BrozTito

Im calling it, its a bloke

Is it John, the Golden Man, wondering if he should make a move on his friend, as he thinks she's married to someone lesser than him?

It shouldn't be about comparisons. I don't believe in that. Look at what you have and decide if you want it or not. Leave other people out of it. You said if there wasn't the option of John you wouldn't have even considered leaving Pete. So there's your answer, stay with Pete.

You're moving country which is good because it's not good for Pete not to have the option of working. I think therapy for the childlessness issues, because it's obvious you have some. Married counselling for the disconnect you're feeling between you and Pete. A pet so you've something to fuss over for your maternal instincts. And focus more on friendship like maybe a community group so you feel part of something akin to family.

John doesn't sound Golden, not for you, he sounds ordinary like he has faults that would annoy you a lot. He's also been built up into a fantasy in your head, if it was a daydream and you recognize it for what it's then no biggie, but it's sort of disturbing that you don't see that and think it's real. Like you've spent too much time alone and inside your own head. A delusion almost.

John doesn't sound ready for a relationship anyway, finding his feet after divorce, you'd be the rebound person. And married or not I think men are very good at putting themselves first and going after what they want, so if he's not hinting at anything I don't think he wants you. One jokey comment years ago doesn't count and maybe wasn't even serious at the time.

You're feeling something internally, an inner need and you're looking for someone else to fix that for you. I don't think it works like that. We have to fix ourselves otherwise we'll be at risk of latching onto people for the wrong reasons.

I am approaching retirement age and financial security has become more important to me than it once was. I hate to admit it, but combining forces with someone who has worked as hard as me is also appealing.

How much financial security do you think you'll have once you've shared out the marital assets with Pete as part of the divorce settlement? If you're approaching retirement age, will you even have enough time to earn enough money to replace the share of the pensions and property that Pete will have been awarded?

Is John also approaching retirement age? I would assume that he would also have handed over a fair amount of the marital assets to his ex-wife. Does he have enough earning capacity to replace all that and combine forces with you?

Pete is really going down in my estimation. I thought he was chopping wood all the time

No one can chop wood all the time. But if he’s sleeping for say 8 hours, cooking/eating/showering for 3 hours and playing computer games for 6 hours, that still leaves 7 hours for chopping wood

versus Pete on his computer games bless him. I mean I'm glad he has a distraction to keep him happy, but I wish he invested half that effort into real life!

Ugh. Let Pete go. He’s your husband but you speak about him as though he’s a total c**t.

Being unemployed is not fun and congratulations to anyone who can sustain motivation while being unable to even seek work let alone find it.

You don’t sound like you have any respect for him as a person at all.

2021's version of Madame Bovary.

Free Pete.

Then by the time you get sick of watching John noticing attractive women, Pete will also have noticed a few.

Do you love Pete or not??

But when I say we rebuilt a ruin here, what I mean is that I worked hard to pay builders to rebuild it, while Pete played computer games mostly. It was me who did the decorating and cleared out the rubbish etc. Even now, we have an estate agent coming tomorrow and the downstairs rooms are chaotic with his stuff that he promises to sort out "tomorrow"

V’s

He’s devoted to me, endlessly kind; nothing is too much trouble

How are you expecting people to give you advise when you are so contradictory. If ‘nothing is too much trouble’ meant dossing around playing video games then count me in. As a PP suggested it sounds like you have more of a pet than a partner. 😅 How much younger is he? It sounds like you have the Mum role 🤮

You vowed to stick with your husband, for better or worse. Furthermore, it sounds like the better has easily outweighed the worse. Stay with your kind husband.

@Bryonyshcmyony

Pete and John??

OR DO YOU MEAN PETRA AND JOAN

🤣🤣🤣

The way you talk about these men is a bit odd, but I can't articulate why...

One thing's for sure though. Move in with Golden John and his TV watching and his "low quality" reading materials (Daily Mail and Dan Brown?) will get on your tits within months and you'll start to idealize the other one again.

@MareofBeasttown

Can you pass Pete over my way, please? I could do with someone who does all the shopping and cooking.

If you don't want him, I'll have him.

OP- you want to bin Pete because he isn't interested in DIY?

If he WAS materialistic, he wouldn't be doing all the cooking/ shopping/ wood chopping that you don't rate very highly. He would have legged it back.

@Miniestelle

Pete is really going down in my estimation. I thought he was chopping wood all the time

Agreed. I was thinking Chris Evans ripping a log in half, and now it's all Call-of-Duty-distraction while someone else decorates.

So my now partner had this issue with his now ex wife but it was the reverse.

No advice but this is his story

He was the younger one. Just as she started to wind down to retire he wanted to gear up his career and travel. They loved each other but wanted different things. She resented him for not naturally wanting to settle down and be responsible and he resented her for being cautious and sensible with money / family etc etc.

Neither were wrong in approach. However they didn't really try to sort it out, didnot communicate and in the end he had an emotional affair (not good). They got divorced.

He is now closer to her age then and totally sees how the mis match of life goals ended their relationship. I think however if they truly loved each other and had communicated they would of found a path to make it work.

One of Pete’s merits seems to be that he’s sophisticated enough not to watch trashy TV. Instead he spends his day playing video games. Something isn’t adding up here!

You have a case of the grass is greener IMO!

Now I don’t know whether Pete is right for you. I don’t know if the relationship you have is fulfilling enough. No one can tell you if there is enough there to make you settle. What I will say (it appears) that you have partially enabled Pete to behave as he does. If he hasn’t worked, why is is that you do all the work and then all the stuff around builders etc?

Now then, onto John. I think it’s very easy to romanticise someone from afar. Even periods of 6 days here and there don’t show you what a person is really like to live with in an intimate sense.

A friend of mine had a similar situation. Her marriage broke down to Pete (completely unrelated to John). Her version of John subsequently also got divorced (unrelated to my friend). Basically they both found out their spouses were cheating on them.

They were long standing friends and as an outsider I could see the shift in her as she started to contemplate her and John in an intimate capacity. So they went for it. Absolute disaster. The chemistry she thought was sizzling did not translate into sizzles in the bed. Quite the opposite. She also realised (after spending longer than 6 days with him), that he never shut up/ sit still. He was a bundle of nervous energy and she found being around him in the context of an intimate partner not remotely relaxing. (Whereas before she had found him to be energising company).

This isn’t everyone’s story. And there is something that is really hilarious about what is was that pushed her over the edge as to why she couldn’t be with him.

How did it end? Badly sadly. He wanted more, she didn’t. They are no longer friends which is sad.
If you ask her would she do it again, she is 50/50. A part of her misses the friendship and wishes she had kept it as just that. Another part is glad she tried so she didn’t have to live with the ‘what if’ in the background. But she is clear on one thing, she never thought it would result in the outcome it has resulted in. She honestly thought they were perfect for one another.

So my advice? End it with Pete if he is not the one for you. But don’t do it to be with someone else. Do it because It no longer makes you happy.

@Ifitquacks

One of Pete’s merits seems to be that he’s sophisticated enough not to watch trashy TV. Instead he spends his day playing video games. Something isn’t adding up here!

He's an IT geek. Playing World of Warcraft ticks many boxes.

@Ginandtonic4all, yes, thank you -- we are at different life stages (there is more than a generation's age gap). And we are communicating about it. I just haven't told him quite as much as I have here, for obvious reasons.

The grass is greener where you water it OP

That is a wonderful maxim, Bringback!

OP, couldn’t Pete retrain, or look for work outside his usual field? It’s not good for one partner to live off the other, when there are no children or other special circumstances. I’d find it unbearable, whichever role I was in. Sounds as if you’re no longer comfortable with it.

You mention moving to another country. Great that you (presumably both) are so flexible. But you’re already starting to think about retirement — do you really want to start afresh in a new place?

Do start discussing all these things with Pete. I think John is a bit of a distraction from the flaws in your present life. He’s just a fantasy, whereas in real life you have a happy marriahe that’s worth working on.

A generation is 25 years. Do you mean Pete is around 30 years younger than you? It might help to explain the gap in expectation.

(Also the part where you moved with an IT professional to a country where he can't work, though why he too can't work remotely is a bit puzzling.)

Leave Pete and live on your own.

Is Pete's work issue a visa issue? Or an x-box issue?

@Nancydrawn

A generation is 25 years. Do you mean Pete is around 30 years younger than you? It might help to explain the gap in expectation.

(Also the part where you moved with an IT professional to a country where he can't work, though why he too can't work remotely is a bit puzzling.)

No, not that much younger (sorry, I didn't think of a generation in terms of 25 years!). I don't want to be specific as it's too outing, but it's quite a significant gap.

I said he's an IT geek, not an IT professional. He has skills, but has never applied them in a disciplined way towards a structured career. His business plan here was to run an online business, but a lot of factors have scuppered the idea, not least the COVID situation (new investments unpredictable).

OP sometimes the reason given for couples separating/divorcing is simply that they've drifted apart, that they no longer want the same things. It sounds like the age difference didn't used to matter, the things you had in common were more than enough to keep you together. But now you're approaching retirement you're starting to reassess your priorities in a relationship. You're growing apart from Pete, the age difference and therefore different priorities are starting to create cracks. You're not at the separating stage yet, but you've started the process. And that's valid. It's OK for you to want different things as you head for another life stage.

The mistake though, is thinking that John is the answer. You don't even know if he would want that, you're just daydreaming. You're seeing in him all the things you think you're missing with Pete, but the reality might be very different. Don't underestimate the impact of living with a football nut when you're not the slightest bit interested. Don't underestimate the impact of living with someone who wants to watch telly at night instead of going for hikes or having an in-depth discussion about the world.

Your relationship with Pete may be coming to an end. The differences might be becoming greater than the things that hold you together. But John isn't necessarily the answer either.

What will you do when it (as statistically likely) goes wrong with John?

You say you want to combine finances with someone who is financially stable but you will presumably split your currently money with Pete and John will leave everything to his children. Where does that leave you in old age?