Lovely husband versus different life with friend – what to do?

[KormasABitch]

Apologies for the long post, I will try not to dripfeed.

I have a lovely husband, let’s call him Pete. We’ve been together almost a decade. He’s devoted to me, endlessly kind; nothing is too much trouble. A few years ago, we moved to a country where, unfortunately, he can’t get work (I’m OK as I work online). We’re planning to move elsewhere. In the meantime, he does all the shopping and cooking, chops wood for the fire, etc. We get on brilliantly and have none of the irritations I associate even with close friendships. We have the same tastes in music, films etc and often enjoy lovely weekends away doing things together like hiking or cycling. We never get bored with each other’s company.

Pete’s quite a bit younger than me, which hasn’t worried us over the years because as far as we’re concerned, being incredibly compatible is so lucky that it outweighs everything. However, one snag is our difference in life experience. He’s used to renting a place, and I’m not sure he’ll ever be what I’d call a responsible home owner. General maintenance etc doesn’t seem to occur to him, and I don’t want to be a nag, but find the overall neglect depressing when I’m so busy. He covers the basics, but anything else is a bit like pushing water uphill.

None of this might have mattered had it not been for life throwing me a curve ball.

My oldest friend, “John” (we’ve known each other 20-odd years), got divorced a couple of years ago. I helped him through the emotional process. We’ve always been close (despite him living in another country), but I suppose that brought us a bit closer for a while. I never thought much of it when he left his wife, but over the past couple of years we have exchanged friendly (not flirtatious!) messages and sometimes I find myself pining for the kind of life I could have with him. Over the years, we’ve had some great adventures together (when married to other people, so we never acknowledged or acted on the chemistry that was there), we have a good laugh, we understand each other well, and we have the same values. Pete, for example, can’t be bothered with family and I wish he made more effort to know my parents, who won’t be around for much longer; whereas I know John would connect well.

I am approaching retirement age and financial security has become more important to me than it once was. I hate to admit it, but combining forces with someone who has worked as hard as me is also appealing.

This is all churning round and round in my head, and I feel ridiculous. I don’t want to discuss it with anyone IRL, but would appreciate any input here. I hate feeling even a smidgen of disloyalty to Pete, because I adore him. It feels as though my priorities in life might be shifting somewhat, but maybe I’m just doing that “grass greener” thing and should just STFU.

I think you’re not happy in your marriage. If you were, you wouldn’t be thinking about wanting to marry another marry to the extent that you’ve demonstrated. Sure, a fleeting “what if” is normal, but this is well beyond
that.

Then the separate issue- John.

Honestly, I think there is something quite creepy about what you’ve written. Does he not have agency? It sounds like if you decide to leave Pete and marry John, that’s what’ll happen.

It’s complete fantasy.

Pete doesn't sound too great to me... playing computer games and not interested in your family. Maybe try to find a different bloke entirely in fairness I think that OP is only going to give us his bad points so that we’ll come around to her idea of leaving for John.

It’s the typical script, and the OP is conveniently drip-feeding Pete’s supposed bad points because she’s not being told what she wants to hear.

IF the OP was a man pointing out his wife’s flaws by way of justification for leaving her for another woman he would be absolutely slaughtered on here.

@MareofBeasttown

Can you pass Pete over my way, please? I could do with someone who does all the shopping and cooking.

And the chopping wood. My ex husband used to mysteriously arrive on the scene once the job was done.

Is not Pete at bit of a cocklodger?

Pete doesn't like decorating, DIY etc - I don't think that makes him useless. I don't like those things either. I think it's unrealistic to expect a man to just run around doing whatever you want, simply because you're working and he's not. But at the same time, it is perfectly reasonable to expect the non-working partner to, overall, take on more of the domestic load. But I would consider coking, cleaning, laundry essential domestic load while decorating etc is more optional. And if he really hates doing it, something you should get someone in for.

Im calling it, its a bloke

@TedHastingsweeDonkey

But when I say we rebuilt a ruin here, what I mean is that I worked hard to pay builders to rebuild it, while Pete played computer games mostly. It was me who did the decorating and cleared out the rubbish etc.

I thought you said he does all the shopping, cooking and wood chopping! Nothing is too much trouble, you said? Seems like you built him up in the 1st paragraph of your OP and then slowly putting him down. Thought he was awesome but you are now painting him as a lazy ass teenager?

This thread is indeed odd!

He's both, unfortunately. And yes, I have discussed it with him!

Re him working in the past, yes. He worked. But he always preferred having fun. That's probably one reason why he's so good for me, since I work too hard. I think none of this would at all be bothering me if I were younger.

I also think this is a case of 'grass is greener' or appears to be.

John is everything that Pete isn't, but that doesn't necessarily mean you'll be happier

I think you are finding aspects of John attractive because they are the things you don't like about Pete. You've got what sounds like a lovely relationship with John, can you not talk to him about this? It might also mean upheaval and you move to a place John can work. If John is younger than you then he might become more financially stable in the longer term.

@Horehound

I think Pete sounds nice!

This is all a big fantasy you've rolled up in your mind, it is not real life.

Yes, I agree. It really is.

Are you writing a novel OP, possibly trying to gauge how your character development will go down?

Better the devil (or in this case saint) you know............

For Pete's sake... some people just want it all.

Please be thankful for what you already have.

Forgot John. You would have gotten together with him years ago if it was an option. You would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

Regarding Pete, he needs a job. You have to move somewhere so he can work, it’s very unfair on him and I don’t know how this even came about but he should be working. You won’t be able to make any serious decisions unless you are equals.

All the best.

Pete and John??

OR DO YOU MEAN PETRA AND JOAN

@Chikapu I have been thinking exactly the same! I'm getting an 'Eat, Pray, Love' crossed with 'Marigold Hotel' kind of vibe. It seems the character of 'Pete' hasn't gone down the way the author planned so she is making some changes now. I think the character of 'horny John' was supposed to be the hero.

@Chikapu

Are you writing a novel OP, possibly trying to gauge how your character development will go down?

No, or I would clearly have made the characters (including myself!) more credible 🤣

So Pete has gone from a kind and caring 'lovely husband', who never bores you, does all the cleaning, cooking and firewood chopping, and shares your taste in everything, to a cocklodging elderly-teenage gaming addict hoarder who has allowed you to pay for people to renovate your house, while he lounges about accumulating crap?

Can John undergo a similar character swap? Maybe the 'golden man' could turn into a pervy football hooligan who's so financially careful he never pays for dinner and so houseproud he makes you wear those disposable plastic crime scene shoes if you go to his house?

I think the problem is Pete doesn't have a job. I love my DH dearly but it really wouldn't work if he wasn't working (his self-esteem would be on the floor).

Is there a chance Pete has lost a bit of confidence in himself?

I think you need put John out of your mind. When you said "He is quite horny. I mean, he notices attractive women." I cringed. No thank you (I mean obviously he notices but to notice enough that you notice is gross).

Pete’s employment situation in your new country is obviously taking its toll and creating a sense of imbalance in the relationship. For his part, it can actually be extremely demoralising to not feel independent or have the structure of work, whether you’re a ‘work-focused‘ person or not.

You need to focus on your situation first and revisit your questions about the marriage once you’re both on more of an even keel in terms of work, location, and finances.

Do you think the current situation has given you a glimpse of retirement OP? Are you worried Pete is not self-motivated enough to keep himself busy and productive without employment, and you want a more secure, energetic, structured lifestyle as you head into retirement? Are you concerned about falling into torpor or having to put energy into keeping him from drifting? Are you concerned about how this might feel when you no longer have the structure of work yourself?

Do you feel concerned about retiring while Pete works still? Has the current dynamic made you consider the reverse situation where he is working and you are not?

Are you a bit isolated where you live OP? It sounds like you've had too much time on your hands and built up this fantasy in your head of an alternative life without any sense of whether John is even remotely interested.

I actually do understand how easy it is to love two people at the same time for different reasons.

Where is it indicated that OP loves either of these men? I hear a lot of very transactional pros and cons but absolutely nothing about joy, desire, passion, tenderness etc..

OP you're talking about these two men like you're considering a mobile phone upgrade. It's very sad, not only for them but for you too..

It’s a bit late in the day to start feeling like you want to be looked after financially OP. It sounds like your successful career has already lined the coffers very well- well done you. You have a younger man who will give you practical and emotional support as you get older. What’s the problem here exactly?

With John, he sounds closer to your own age so you will probably end up caring for him, physically. Statistically, he’s likely to die sooner than both you and Pete. If you divorce Pete a lot of your money will go to Pete anyway, and John’s assets have already been eaten away by his own divorce.

So here’s your choice- give away half your money to a younger man and become a carer in the next 20 years to an older man with limited assets and income and 4 kids who will nose into your life with him.

Or stick with the younger man, enjoy your retirement and be looked after in your old age.

It’s a toughie!

@OhtheVulgarity

So Pete has gone from a kind and caring 'lovely husband', who never bores you, does all the cleaning, cooking and firewood chopping, and shares your taste in everything, to a cocklodging elderly-teenage gaming addict hoarder who has allowed you to pay for people to renovate your house, while he lounges about accumulating crap?

Can John undergo a similar character swap? Maybe the 'golden man' could turn into a pervy football hooligan who's so financially careful he never pays for dinner and so houseproud he makes you wear those disposable plastic crime scene shoes if you go to his house?

😂😂😂😂

@3luckystars

Forgot John. You would have gotten together with him years ago if it was an option. You would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

Regarding Pete, he needs a job. You have to move somewhere so he can work, it’s very unfair on him and I don’t know how this even came about but he should be working. You won’t be able to make any serious decisions unless you are equals.

All the best.

John was not an option until 2 years ago, because for the 20+ years we've been close friends, we have always been married to other people.

Now he is single (for the past 2 years), and I am not. This never bothered me until recently -- literally, the past couple of weeks. I suppose it's the contrast of all the great things he's doing, that we used to do together, versus Pete on his computer games bless him. I mean I'm glad he has a distraction to keep him happy, but I wish he invested half that effort into real life!

I agree that we must move where Pete can work. However, I also know that he will never work that hard.

You seem to be looking at pastures other than your own and thinking (imagining) they are greener. I doubt it. 'John' will not he perfect either, because no one is. You have a wonderful partner. It seems to me you are looking around and imagining a fictisious perfect life instead of a really good real life. Poor 'Pete'... its like you are leaving him in your heart long and ever before reality simply because he's not perfect. I think you are being foolish. And dare i say it, putting your own happiness above your responsibility and faithfulness in the largely unfounded hope that you might be even more happy elsewhere.