Something occurred to me overnight and this is going to be another long post. Sorry! Medals to anyone who has stuck with me so far and can be arsed reading this.
I think the notion of “running away with John” to solve my problems came a bit out of the blue. And it came… from John! Or at least, I think it did. I will try to explain.
He’s travelling in an exotic country at the moment with his girlfriend (I know, I know!). We exchange friendly texts about what the food is like and day trips and so on. And then just over a week or so ago, he asked me to give him my top 4 ingredients for happiness. I said I’d think about it and he said No! Bam, bam, bam, off the top of your head. He might have been a bit drunk. It was the night of the England match!
Anyway, I listed mine and asked for his, and he was saying financial security is important (one that I had significantly overlooked in favour of “it helps if you enjoy your job”!). He mentioned it as a “can of worms” for me, something along the lines of it’s great if I’m happy but I do have a tendency to never complain about situations. He was being more introspective than usual (pissed?) and said he should be ecstatic with life right now, but isn’t; easy to feel stuck generally, with all the travel restrictions. We agreed it was a pity we couldn’t just get back to somewhere like [MagicPlace] for the day without having to worry about COVID.
Now the trouble with [MagicPlace] is that before I met Pete, when I was single, John and I once had the perfect day trip there. It was one of those days where time seems to expand to fit in so many peak experiences you can’t quite believe there was room for it all to happen in your life, let alone in a single day. I was staying with him and his wife and family, and had noticed some rather obvious cracks in the marriage but not commented on them. On this magical day, later in the afternoon, he quietly told me a few doubts he was having. I listened and supported him as best I could. Later, we had the option to stay overnight in a tent. He left the choice to me. Because of what he’d told me about how unhappy he was, I didn’t trust myself not to throw myself at him in the circumstances, so I said we should drive back instead. He looked at me and said, “OK,” and I don’t think I’m imagining that we said a lot in that silent moment, and that this is the closest we ever got to finding out whether we’re more than just friends. I couldn’t do that to his wife, who I liked very much.
So, back to our recent text exchange on football night. I said it’s not Pete’s fault about work etc etc etc, expressing optimism for the future, and reiterating that he is the key ingredient in my top 4 for happiness. And then the conversation shuffled along and it felt as though a very intense encounter had happened without either of us saying anything obvious. Maybe it’s all in my imagination, but I don’t think so. It was one of those things where you don’t reply right away and keep deleting what you’ve written. I was very careful.
And then, having gone from chatting to John about how great Pete is, I came back to my desk, where I was slaving away as usual while Pete was in the next room helping to kill the boss and buying people horses and being everyone’s favourite archer (quietly, thank goodness; he wears earphones so as never to disturb me), and I started thinking, Is John right? Do I just trick myself into thinking I’m happy by overlooking essential components, a bit like me not really noticing this house had no roof until we moved in? And then being happy to live with water running down the walls, when normal people don’t do this sort of thing?!?!??!?!
And so it was this, if you can imagine it, that set me off into gloomy and rather panicked comparisons. I hope this makes sense.
But I think a key factor in it was hearing a kind of yearning in John’s messages. I thought, This dear man, who has worked so hard and given so much to everyone else, deserves every happiness in life. And I believe I’d complete the picture for him. I don’t think this is delusional.
It was interesting with some of the hostile messages earlier in the thread, saying “You just see how you feel when John introduces you to his fabulous 30-year-old girlfriend” – because you know what?! I’d be so, so, so delighted for him if he found a perfect partner. In fact, from now on, that’s what I will pray for.
I read something the other day about why you can’t just use conductive materials to repair spinal cord injuries. It’s obvious really: it’s a gross oversimplification of the processes involved. I think the notion of switching partners, however logical the reasoning, is a bit like that. There are things that naturally work and things that don’t, and you take for granted the things that naturally work and might not appreciate their complexity.
Looking back, perhaps I should have been purely selfish and spent that night in the tent with him, instead of driving back to his wife. At least we’d have found out, then, if it was a match made in heaven or a train wreck. But we didn’t, and that’s in the past, and I am now married again. And setting aside current practical considerations, Pete and I consider our emotional relationship the greatest achievement of our lives. So I am going to wait and see what happens in the next country. But it is interesting to acknowledge that this is what’s been happening recently.
To everyone who has urged me to talk to a counsellor, I appreciate your concern but I’m not going to. There is no way I’m paying someone to listen to my shit when I can work it out for myself, given time and enough bouncing ideas around. I appreciate I’ll be lucky if I’m left with a handful of dedicated hardcore readers on this thread, especially after this post!