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Original poster

Just broken up, what does his message mean?

117 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 20/07/2021 11:16

Firstly a bit of background on what has happened. My partner and me have a child together, we split up a long time ago and recently tried to make it work again. We love one another, but he doesn’t have a lot or relationship experience which causes problems (he is 45 btw)

He definitely has commitment issues, and I have found that he shuts down whenever I try to bring up any issues we have such as open communication.

I’m not really the type to chase, clingy or anything. I don’t put up with his bad behaviour and, if I’m not happy with with something I tend to create distance.

Up until this weekend everything had been going great, our weekends together were amazing. No drama or issues.

We had a chat this weekend with me asking him that I need open communication, where if I bring up serious issues then I need to be able to voice them and not be shut down. Without this it won’t work for me. And that as things progress I need more support from him with our child. Currently I do everything.

He then said that he has doubts about us, that he hates where he lives and that he wants to eventually go back to Australia. He said that he goes hot and cold because he doesn’t know if I am the one, and that if I want happy ever after he can’t give that to me.

So I said that’s fine, better we end it now than later. He then left. First thing the next morning he sent me this message:

Hi I wanted to let you know that I feel totally heartbroken and devastated this morning. And that however you are feeling that I am thinking of you x

I haven’t responded, I don’t know what he means?

OP posts:
TheAwfuITruth · 20/07/2021 11:20

If I was a cynical old boot, I'd say he is having an 'oh shit' moment of regret and is looking for a way back in, without actually having to address any of the issues you raised.

VeryLongBeeeeep · 20/07/2021 11:21

He means "you didn't grovel and beg me not to leave you when I made threats to bring you back into line, so now I'm going to play the victim and try to guilt trip you into being my doormat."

You've done the right thing in walking away, OP. Keep using that strength and build a better life for you and your DC, without this manchild.

Clymene · 20/07/2021 11:21

He means he knows he's being a shit but he doesn't want you to think badly of him in case he decides he wants a shag/you ask for maintenance.

Why do you want to be in a relationship with him? He doesn't bother with his child and is not interested in meeting your needs. Basically, things are fine as long as you put up and shut up.

Does he pay maintenance? If he doesn't, get onto the CMS before he leaves the country

noirchatsdeux · 20/07/2021 11:22

He's sad, he's sad you are sad, but even though he may be thinking of you, he hasn't indicated in that message that he's changed his mind about anything.

OllyBJolly · 20/07/2021 11:23

@noirchatsdeux

He's sad, he's sad you are sad, but even though he may be thinking of you, he hasn't indicated in that message that he's changed his mind about anything.
This.
Hanger0n · 20/07/2021 11:23

Sounds to me like he doesn't really want to be with you but isn't courageous enough to come out and say it.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 20/07/2021 11:24

Thanks everyone 🙏

OP posts:
DoorAjar · 20/07/2021 11:26

@Clymene

He means he knows he's being a shit but he doesn't want you to think badly of him in case he decides he wants a shag/you ask for maintenance.

Why do you want to be in a relationship with him? He doesn't bother with his child and is not interested in meeting your needs. Basically, things are fine as long as you put up and shut up.

Does he pay maintenance? If he doesn't, get onto the CMS before he leaves the country

This is exactly what struck me. As well as trying to look like ‘a nice guy’, if he’s now saying he wants to move to the other side of the world, I’d get cracking with CMS ASAP.

Also, how old is your child? This must be confusing for him or her to have Daddy back?

TheBrynGhost · 20/07/2021 11:26

Word salad/ It's meaningless. Just like he has been throughout. Just more of the same and I agree with a PP. He is probably trying to mitigate claims for support.

SpringSparrow · 20/07/2021 11:29

You deserve better than him. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. He’s 45 and doesn’t know “if you are the one and won’t give you happy ever after”. He sounds like a knob 😬. How old are you by the way? He doesn’t help with his child either. Honestly you can do better than this.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 20/07/2021 11:31

I'm 45 as well.

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 20/07/2021 11:37

So he wants to move to the other side of the world and abandon his child? He doesn't know if you are the one? Sounds like he's chasing rainbows and can't commit to anything.

Umberellatheweatha · 20/07/2021 11:40

He has a child with you and he is still giving you the commitment issue bullcrap? Pft. Fuck tolerating that shit.

He doesn't have 'commitment issues' btw, he just absolutely doesn't want commitment. But he doesn't want you to know that he doesn't want commitment hense the pretending to struggle with whether or not he does. It's all a bullshit act to keep you dangling.

Well done telling him to sod off. He is a mind fucking wanker who gets off on keeping you dangling. It feeds his ego. That text is vomit inducing. He is so skin crawlingly fake and manipulative.

What does the text mean? It means that you called him out on his bs because he wasnt sneaky enough so now he has to revert back to the pretend to care about you tactic.

Yoyoing with your emotions. The cycle of abuse.

Hopefully be will sod off back to Australia. Btw the talking about missing home ect - is 'narcissistic triangulation'. Which is when they use another person or in this case place/thing to make you feel like you aren't 'enough' for them.

Run. And pursue child support. Because money is the only support in raising a child you will ever get from this asshole.

Twoforthree · 20/07/2021 11:43

@noirchatsdeux

He's sad, he's sad you are sad, but even though he may be thinking of you, he hasn't indicated in that message that he's changed his mind about anything.
This
Twoforthree · 20/07/2021 11:46

Even though you know it’s the right thing to do, you can still be sad and grieve a relationship. That’s the stage he’s at.

You asked for open communication. You got it. You are both sad. That message hopefully means that you can amicably move on and parent your child together - even if he does end up moving to Australia.

Regularsizedrudy · 20/07/2021 11:48

What it means is “I would like to keep shagging you without making any kind of commitment until someone better comes along”

Twoforthree · 20/07/2021 11:48

No it doesn’t.

Regularchoice · 20/07/2021 11:53

Is your child together his only child?

Clymene · 20/07/2021 11:55

@Twoforthree

Even though you know it’s the right thing to do, you can still be sad and grieve a relationship. That’s the stage he’s at.

You asked for open communication. You got it. You are both sad. That message hopefully means that you can amicably move on and parent your child together - even if he does end up moving to Australia.

The OP has already said he does sod all for his child when he's living in the country. Why on earth do you think he's going to co-parent well from the other side of the planet? Confused
TheFoundations · 20/07/2021 11:56

Why are you looking for a hidden meaning? It's not an ambiguous message.

What are you hoping we will read into this? That he loves you really, and wants to commit even though it's so so hard for him to face it?

Etinox · 20/07/2021 12:00

@Regularsizedrudy

What it means is “I would like to keep shagging you without making any kind of commitment until someone better comes along”
This 👆🏾 What does he stand to lose?
Crolisd · 20/07/2021 12:00

Echoing others - he thinks he might want to move to Australia and leave his child behind? What an unbelievably selfish man and shit dad. Stop giving him the option of being in a relationship with you.

Umberellatheweatha · 20/07/2021 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Umberellatheweatha · 20/07/2021 12:10

Sorry that was a reply to a similar thread. Have reported.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 20/07/2021 12:22

He means "you didn't grovel and beg me not to leave you when I made threats to bring you back into line, so now I'm going to play the victim and try to guilt trip you into being my doormat."

This^

Also, how dare you ask me for open communication AGAIN. I've pretty much told you no. Stop labouring the point. In fact. I'm out of here.

The following morning this text arrives:

Hi I wanted to let you know that I feel totally heartbroken and devastated this morning. And that however you are feeling that I am thinking of you x

He's 45 years of age and father to your child (but does no parenting) and is blowing hot and cold with you ? Oh come on bloke !

Also, the text is written like something you want to hear. There's something about it that just doesn't seem authentic. Doesn't say he misses you or your child or home life with you.

Oh and his threat to piss off to Australia/anywhere will always be present albeit sometimes unspoken. Until it looses it's potency. That's around the time your child becomes eighteen years old.

A PP upthread said it was part of a cycle of emotional abuse from him to you and your child is getting the fall out from his now you see me now you don't hot and cold routine.

He is not going to ever see you as an equal. He will not be grown up enough for that. He's pretty much told you that you do not have a future together i.e. I can't give you happy ever after.

That kinda means take it or leave it. I am concerned you are a convenience to him, just for now.