Just broken up, what does his message mean?

[Cherryblossom200]

Firstly a bit of background on what has happened. My partner and me have a child together, we split up a long time ago and recently tried to make it work again. We love one another, but he doesn’t have a lot or relationship experience which causes problems (he is 45 btw)

He definitely has commitment issues, and I have found that he shuts down whenever I try to bring up any issues we have such as open communication.

I’m not really the type to chase, clingy or anything. I don’t put up with his bad behaviour and, if I’m not happy with with something I tend to create distance.

Up until this weekend everything had been going great, our weekends together were amazing. No drama or issues.

We had a chat this weekend with me asking him that I need open communication, where if I bring up serious issues then I need to be able to voice them and not be shut down. Without this it won’t work for me. And that as things progress I need more support from him with our child. Currently I do everything.

He then said that he has doubts about us, that he hates where he lives and that he wants to eventually go back to Australia. He said that he goes hot and cold because he doesn’t know if I am the one, and that if I want happy ever after he can’t give that to me.

So I said that’s fine, better we end it now than later. He then left. First thing the next morning he sent me this message:

Hi I wanted to let you know that I feel totally heartbroken and devastated this morning. And that however you are feeling that I am thinking of you x

I haven’t responded, I don’t know what he means?

Like a lot of men hes just a cliche machine.

Your good enough for now, as I need a woman to shag. So what if we have a child I won't, don't want to help.
Duck are you going to want me to pay, if so I might run away to avoid this.
P.s. want a shag tonight.

Trying to imagine what would be made of a mother who had a child then moved to australia without them. What will he say about his child there? "i didnt care enough to stay with them'?

@Regularsizedrudy

What it means is “I would like to keep shagging you without making any kind of commitment until someone better comes along”

my thoughts exactly

He's a headfucker.
He wants to keep you onside in case he feels like using you again for a bit, before going back to his default 'piss people around' setting.

He has a child yet is contemplating going tot he other side of the world where he will probably never (or hardly ever) see them. What a catch he is.

Sorry OP - he's annoyed you effectively said 'enough is enough' and didn't beg him to stay. So he thought he'd play a few mind games. You and your child deserve much better. (Being single is much better than being with an arsehole)

My ex and father of my dc said very similar to me. He hopped it back to Australia thinking he would be absolved of all parenting and financial contributions towards our son. However, the UK and Australia have a reciprocal arrangement that means he was forced to pay CMS under the Australian jurisdiction which is incredibly generous. My ex was furious (understatement).
I understand that money isn't uppermost in your mind at the moment but just know that he won't be able to completely ditch all responsibility by disappearing halfway around the world.

Thanks all for your advice. To say that I am saddened by this is an understatement 😢

What prompted you to have a chat with him stating your need for open communication, OP? I can't imagine this came about from a situation where communication was already open? You were unhappy with the communication, perhaps..?

The message sounds sweet but doesn’t actually have any substance to it - bit like him perhaps? It sounds like he’s acted pretty poorly re your previous time together and in the upbringing of your child, and now he’s pretty much said he’s not going to put much more effort in. You’re right knocking it on the head, sad though it is.

@the foundation what sparked it, is the weekend before my daughter was sick and my car wasn't working. He was checking in on us, but didn't once offer to help. Plus a few other things which were building which is why I brought it up.

It felt like it was too much for him, and the reality of what this relationship would look like was too much for him. Hence the bringing up 'he isn't sure I'm the one' etc he was sabotaging it. Baring in mind the week before he asked to meet my family and he gave a picture in a Frame to his father with the three of us in it. With my arm around him. A complete head fu*k!

Have you decided how you will reply?

There isn't going to be much point in sharing your sadness with him (unless you are absolutely sure you want to reconcile) but you will need to sort out arrangements for contact and CM.

No I've not replied, I don't even know how to tbh. So in general I tend to ignore him which I know he hates. Eventually he reaches out. He actually said one of the things that concerns him is the fact I disappear for ages when we have disagreements. It's always him who reaches out. But I think I just get so sick and tired of him I find it easier to just move on and try and forget it. Perhaps this is why I think he likes me.

[quote Cherryblossom200]@the foundation what sparked it, is the weekend before my daughter was sick and my car wasn't working. He was checking in on us, but didn't once offer to help. Plus a few other things which were building which is why I brought it up.

It felt like it was too much for him, and the reality of what this relationship would look like was too much for him. Hence the bringing up 'he isn't sure I'm the one' etc he was sabotaging it. Baring in mind the week before he asked to meet my family and he gave a picture in a Frame to his father with the three of us in it. With my arm around him. A complete head fu*k![/quote]
So it all got triggered, in fact, by issues you were having about him not meeting your needs, and this had been building up for some time.

Up until this weekend everything had been going great, our weekends together were amazing. No drama or issues

I think there were issues, but you brushed over them and pretended everything was ok, until the brushing got a bit much for you when your daughter was sick and you needed his support.

Am I barking up the wrong tree? I don't think you've done anything wrong, I'm just wondering if looking at things this way might help you feel a bit better, because the ending of this relationship is right for you. You deserve better.

In terms of a reply, you could just say that yes, it's a shame it's come to this, but it's best for both of you if you focus on moving on, now.

It'll save you getting involved in any discussions about how you feel, which, presumably, you'll want to avoid, and it'll keep things civil, rather than just disappearing without saying anything.

That he's self absorbed with narcissistic tendencies to only see himself as real and his ego can't cope with being the bad guy and he doesn't want you to move on or heal because everything is about him at the same time he is hollow so he needs your emotional reactions to validate his existence.

Your reply is excellent.

Perfect reply OP.

Thanks. I expect he won't know what hit him with this response. But I have to think about my daughter about my own feelings. Deep down I would have loved to see if we could get over this and worked things out slowly. But I think he will continue this pattern and I only see heart ache down the road. I gave him once chance and he blew it. So this is the best reply.

If that’s your DC’s real name, you might want to get MNHQ to redact it.

I know I only realise once I sent it! How do I do it?

Just sent them a message! Thanks 🙏

Report your own post, OP.

I think I would just reply with “thank you very much. I’m glad we had a good talk. I hope we can remain friends”

I responded back with this:

Hi,
It is sad, but the right decision was made and now it’s time to move on. Let’s chat when we get back from holiday with regards to arrangements for you to see X. Take care.