Just broken up, what does his message mean?

[Cherryblossom200]

Firstly a bit of background on what has happened. My partner and me have a child together, we split up a long time ago and recently tried to make it work again. We love one another, but he doesn’t have a lot or relationship experience which causes problems (he is 45 btw)

He definitely has commitment issues, and I have found that he shuts down whenever I try to bring up any issues we have such as open communication.

I’m not really the type to chase, clingy or anything. I don’t put up with his bad behaviour and, if I’m not happy with with something I tend to create distance.

Up until this weekend everything had been going great, our weekends together were amazing. No drama or issues.

We had a chat this weekend with me asking him that I need open communication, where if I bring up serious issues then I need to be able to voice them and not be shut down. Without this it won’t work for me. And that as things progress I need more support from him with our child. Currently I do everything.

He then said that he has doubts about us, that he hates where he lives and that he wants to eventually go back to Australia. He said that he goes hot and cold because he doesn’t know if I am the one, and that if I want happy ever after he can’t give that to me.

So I said that’s fine, better we end it now than later. He then left. First thing the next morning he sent me this message:

Hi I wanted to let you know that I feel totally heartbroken and devastated this morning. And that however you are feeling that I am thinking of you x

I haven’t responded, I don’t know what he means?

@saraclara

Going silent is a terrible tactic. There are dozens of threads on here by women whose partners do that to them, and without exception, people respond to say how controlling and manipulative it is of their partner.

It's a terrible tactic within a relationship. It destroys relationships. But it's sometimes the best tactic when you've broken up with somebody.

I did the silent treatment when we weren't in a relationship, and tbh it wasn't a manipulative tactic. It was to gain space from his craziness and how he made me feel.

Since he has come back and we decided to get back together I've tried to keep communication open which sparked this all off in the first place.

The baby wasn't planned, he planned to go to Australia before he met me and was furious I fell pregnant. He blames me 100% and believes I tried to trap him which is absolute rubbish.

I didn't ask him to come back from Australia. It was his decision, in face I actively told him not to come back. That I think it was better he stayed.

Yeah that's not the silent treatmet op.
It's simply taking space for yourself from an abusive situation.

Nasty sorts may try to make you feel like that is somehow intended to hurt them but that's just because they want to manipulate you into not leaving. Because they are trying to drive you crazy so they don't want you taking a breather.

You've done the right thing. He was toxic. Onwards and upwards!

That's not 'the silent treatment'. That's going 'no contact' with an abusive ex. It's exactly the right thing to do.

@Cherryblossom200

The baby wasn't planned, he planned to go to Australia before he met me and was furious I fell pregnant. He blames me 100% and believes I tried to trap him which is absolute rubbish.

I didn't ask him to come back from Australia. It was his decision, in face I actively told him not to come back. That I think it was better he stayed.

He blames you a 100%? Why did he not keep it in his pants if he definitely didn't want children?

OP, he sounds like a piece of work. As for the message? He is trying to keep you as an option for future sex, as he currently has no other woman in sight. However, the moment he has someone else, you'll likely won't hear from him till they break up again.

Do yourself a favor and block him on everything and delete his contact information.

What I’m unclear on is where your DD is in all this. Where is your anger for the fact he abandoned her before birth and has had no input into her life so far? Why would you find that attractive after all these years? Why aren’t you livid he’s toyed with potentially drifting back into her life again, only to indicate he doesn’t know if it’s a permanent or transient thing?

Your posts are mostly about yourself/him/your feelings & relationship dynamics, but I’m not getting much of a sense of your focus being on the relationship (or lack thereof) between your DD and her father, and what would be the best thing for her.

What age is your dd.
I think that might have some bearing on this situation.

Let him go back to Australia,your dd has you.So its no loss to her.
Better for her to have nc rather than a pdf that has no interest ni her.

She's 6. I'm hoping that he will go back to Australia.

We're meeting in about 3 weeks when we get back from holiday to discuss next steps in terms of him seeing our DD. As much as I would prefer to say just disappear and not come back. I have to also do what is right for my daughter, he won't be going back anytime soon as he is studying until Sept next year.

I have to be honest, I'm broken about this. I really am, I hoped so much we could make it work. But I told myself one last chance and that was it. I won't get into a pattern of break up make up because it'll destroy my daughter and I I won't let that happen.

I have walked away and we will never get back again.

Hi everyone,

Just a short update on this. After no contact on my side for over a month, my ex contacted me last week while I was away asking if he could see our daughter. I replied back saying the weekend wasn’t any good as we would be travelling back from holiday. However firstly I would like to meet him to discuss things with regards to our child. So we are meeting this weekend.

I’m prepared for the conversation and going in with a business like approach. But I think he is going to be a nightmare. I’m going to ask him what his plans are in terms of going back to Australia. I have a feeling he will be evasive and not commit to a date. So I’ll just tell him that based on his actions in the past, that he will see our daughter once every 3 weeks. The rest of the time he will do facetime calls with her.

I feel in a much stronger place and happy with my decision to move on with my life 😊

Excellent. Well done.

Thanks 🙏

Wish me luck for Sunday 😝

He said you aren’t the one? I’d be out of there

I think his message is reading something along the lines of I don’t want to be with you but I’m checking you are ok? Difficult to read

He said that he goes hot and cold because he doesn’t know if I am the one, and that if I want happy ever after he can’t give that to me.

He told you the truth and everything you need to know here. Anything else is just wriggling cowardly bollocks/mind games.

‘I don’t want to do anything to change or make more effort but I want you to grovel and tell me you miss me to make me feel better’

He’s saying what he thinks will soften the blow. By acknowledging that he is heartbroken, he thinks this will be some sort of consolation for you. But I really don't think he sounds regretful.

@Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc

‘I don’t want to do anything to change or make more effort but I want you to grovel and tell me you miss me to make me feel better’

sounds more like it 🌸

good luck Sunday

Thanks everyone! Luckily this hasn't affected me too much. I just look at his past, at 45 this guy has never had a true committed relationship with a woman. Never lived together etc. Only ever flat shared as sees buying a house as a burden. Only ever freelanced, the list goes on. He isn't capable of commitment full stop. So he will just end up a lonely, broke old man.

So he will just end up a lonely, broke old man

Which thankfully is no longer your problem.

Here’s to onwards and upwards for you, OP!

No I'm just relieved if anything!

I'm now actively looking for a new partner 😊

I think at 45 he needs to grow the fuck up! He obv doesnt want to commit to you FT as he "needs to keep his options open". In his head he wants to be 25 again ,but isnt ,then he wakes up and realises that he would be on his own in a country he hasnt lived in for some time without a family!

He wants to keep his options open in terms of being able to head back to Australia. That's the main issue. He has always been torn between us and another country. Nice eh!?! I've never felt it was another woman. I'm not sure what's worse 😂😂

I don't think he is capable of growing up though. His anxiety is way to much of an issue and at the bottom of it, he is deeply insecure.

I can't live with that and certainly not have our daughter full time around it. I thought he had grown up and and hasn't.

I'm 45 nearly 46, I would love to meet someone decent now. What's held me back is my ex, but now that's out of the way I want to find someone new. But are there any decent guys out at my age 😝

he doesn’t know if I am the one, and that if I want happy ever after he can’t give that to me.

He's told you it's over. He's told you there's no future for you both. He also comes across (to me at least) as whining. At the age of 45 he really should not be whining like this. Although plenty do !

He just wants your attention while he shilly shallies around. He doesn't want to/can't make a decision. But he's ok wasting your time while he continually ticks the, 'don't know box' of life.

Good luck for Sunday.

What if he came to you and told you everything you wanted to hear ? With a confident tone to his voice ? Would you trust him ? (No, I didn't think so, either.)

It seems to me he's come to Britain as an obligation because of his/your daughter. Even though you told him not to. Which just makes his whining and sulking worse !

Well fuck off back to Australia/anywhere then.

It means nothing significant. Just noise. But confusing noise.
I was with someone for years who made noises like this every time he left me. I always held onto to these slivers of emotion. I deeply regret it now, he ended up marrying someone he proposed to after six weeks together.

Oh wow! Going driving did they end up staying together?!