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Original poster

Just broken up, what does his message mean?

117 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 20/07/2021 11:16

Firstly a bit of background on what has happened. My partner and me have a child together, we split up a long time ago and recently tried to make it work again. We love one another, but he doesn’t have a lot or relationship experience which causes problems (he is 45 btw)

He definitely has commitment issues, and I have found that he shuts down whenever I try to bring up any issues we have such as open communication.

I’m not really the type to chase, clingy or anything. I don’t put up with his bad behaviour and, if I’m not happy with with something I tend to create distance.

Up until this weekend everything had been going great, our weekends together were amazing. No drama or issues.

We had a chat this weekend with me asking him that I need open communication, where if I bring up serious issues then I need to be able to voice them and not be shut down. Without this it won’t work for me. And that as things progress I need more support from him with our child. Currently I do everything.

He then said that he has doubts about us, that he hates where he lives and that he wants to eventually go back to Australia. He said that he goes hot and cold because he doesn’t know if I am the one, and that if I want happy ever after he can’t give that to me.

So I said that’s fine, better we end it now than later. He then left. First thing the next morning he sent me this message:

Hi I wanted to let you know that I feel totally heartbroken and devastated this morning. And that however you are feeling that I am thinking of you x

I haven’t responded, I don’t know what he means?

OP posts:
toocold54 · 20/07/2021 20:35

Fantastic response!!!

Twoforthree · 21/07/2021 09:01

Tbh, his communication isn’t great - but neither is yours if you just retreat and don’t confront the issue.

In a future relationship you need to make sure you don’t do this again. Open communication as you wanted from him, goes both ways.

Sorry you are upset op Flowers

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 21/07/2021 09:44

I've admitted that I'm not great with open communication. We've discussed our attachment styles, I'm definitely avoidant and I struggle with discussing my feelings. But I've tried working on that, and I'm getting better with as time goes on.

I was clear about what I need in a relationship to make me happy, and instead of reassurance he was evasive and attacking. So I was able to make my decision based on his reaction, that this won't work.

I'm thinking about everything of my daughters feelings. This isn't healthy for either of us x

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 21/07/2021 09:54

I was clear about what I need in a relationship to make me happy, and instead of reassurance he was evasive and attacking. So I was able to make my decision based on his reaction, that this won't work

Sounds healthy. I'm strongly of the persuasion that attachment styles get triggered by spending time with people who are wrong for us. If you find someone who's more accepting of a bit of distance, you'll probably be less distant, and therefore, meet happily in the middle.

Basically, attachment styles are only apparent when there is already a mismatch. Trying to 'fix' our attachment style can sometimes be construed as 'surpressing our feelings', which is really unhealthy. It's much better to simply understand our attachment style, and respect ourselves enough to move away from people who trigger it.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 21/07/2021 10:06

The thing is I actually wanted to be close to my ex, I think is is avoidant too. Even more so that me, but he also has an anxiety disorder which I doesn't help. His mental health problems always come in the way of us or any relationship tbh. I thought the time apart May of sorted it out but clearly not.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 21/07/2021 10:19

@Cherryblossom200

The thing is I actually wanted to be close to my ex, I think is is avoidant too. Even more so that me, but he also has an anxiety disorder which I doesn't help. His mental health problems always come in the way of us or any relationship tbh. I thought the time apart May of sorted it out but clearly not.
It's hard when you want to be close to someone but just can't make it work. Some people just don't match. Flowers
user16395699 · 21/07/2021 10:20

So in general I tend to ignore him which I know he hates. Eventually he reaches out. He actually said one of the things that concerns him is the fact I disappear for ages when we have disagreements.

It's a bit rich for you to blame him for the end of the relationship, stick the boot in and encourage people to call him a "narcissist" when you have engaged in manipulative and controlling behaviour throughout the relationship. Of course he hates it, it's a horrible way to treat someone and is a technique used to break people.

You criticise his lack of openness but continue unashamedly to engage in treatment of him that on any other thread would be labelled abusive. You have made it unsafe for him to be open - he can't even share normal and expected sadness with you without you treating him abusively.

The way you've treated him isn't the way he deserved to be treated by someone who claimed to love him, and it is hardly surprising it would have made him cautious about being open with you in case it turned out to be the "wrong thing" and led to another round of silent treatment.

If you cut someone off as punishment every time they say something you don't quite like somehow (whether because they made a genuine mistake or you just don't like how something makes you feel), then it's going to make them hold back from you. Eventually they will realise they deserve better and leave you. Hardly surprising that it would make him feel insecure and uncertain about continuing the relationship, is it!

If he gave you the silent treatment and made you grovel whenever you did something he didn't like in any ethereal way, you'd have been told to leave the bastard. Yet here, you're doing that to him and he's somehow still the one being called a bastard. Hmm

You need to get help to change your behaviour before getting into any more relationships and harming anybody else. You can't have a healthy relationship when you engage in abusive behaviour and nobody deserves to be treated like that. It is not acceptable.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 21/07/2021 10:33

I think best to explain the back story of this as to why I create distance.

This man left me when I found out I was pregnant and disappeared for 6 years to Australia.

We only started talking again because I approached him after 3 years when he left. In that time we re established contact abs slowly built things up. I didn't have to do this after the way he treated me. But I wanted my daughter to know her dad.

I haven't called him a narcissist, other people have said that not me.

I have tried to give him a second chance and he blew it.

The reason I create distance is because of the lack of trust i have and self preservation. He hurt me in ways I can't describe. To be abandoned when I was pregnant and left to fend for myself caused indescribable pain.

I've gently tried to let my defences down but sometimes it's hard for me after the past.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 21/07/2021 12:38

Defenses are there for a reason. Feelings need to be respected, not overcome.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 21/07/2021 12:40

Thanks the foundation. Do you think I'm in the wrong for going silent and having my defences up? I don't know how else to get my point across x

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 21/07/2021 12:51

It's not a great relationship tactic, but I think you need to respect that these are your emotions. They are the core of you. The nature of you. They are signposts, not puzzles.

If he had been an open communicator, and had shown that he cared about you and wanted to support you when you needed it, you wouldn't be feeling defensive and withdrawing, would you?

What point are you trying to get across to him? Surely it's that the relationship doesn't work for you, because, when you're in the relationship, you feel defensive and withdrawn?

YeokensYegg · 21/07/2021 14:19

You might just have to accept he's a garden variety asshole.

From what you posted, I can't see anything about him that is even slightly appealing. He abandoned your and his DC. He seems to float around with no cares in the world.
Has he ever had a responsible job or stayed in one place?

You want your DD to know her dad but the thing is he isn't a dad.
He has offered nothing positive in her entire life. Have you considered she's better off not knowing this flakey disappointing arse?

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 21/07/2021 14:24

Don't worry I'm thinking that already. He has mental health issues so I thought this time apart gave him time to sort out his issues and also sort out his priories. He has come back from Australia, so I felt initially his commitment was in this. However this is proving he is still the same man. And I can't give him another chance.

OP posts:
ToffeeNotCoffee · 21/07/2021 14:34

this is proving he is still the same man. And I can't give him another chance.

Well done. Please.remember.this.

TheFoundations · 21/07/2021 14:38

Then by doing what you're doing, you're showing your strength of character, and your respect for yourself and your daughter. Hold fast to your convictions, OP Flowers

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 21/07/2021 14:44

Thank you, but it's hard 😢 but I refuse to let my feelings for him to get in the way. I love him I can't deny that, but that's not enough especially if it's affecting my daughter so early on. For me this is indicative of the future. I've worked hard to provide a secure home and happiness and won't have his instability affect this.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 21/07/2021 14:44

He has no commitment to his dd, and none to you. If he did he'd have shown some responsibility for looking after her.

Paddling654 · 21/07/2021 14:56

Did you post before when he was initially returning from Australia?

I think you're right to think this won't work. He's one of life's tortured souls who have worked out that being tortured is a way to do exactly what you like. It was extremely selfish of him not to offer to help you. I'm glad you don't play games and go running after him when he withdraws. Not at all surprising to hear he hates that. It's probably a control technique for him in other relationships.

You're right. Your daughter has no need to be part of this

MadeForThis · 21/07/2021 15:31

You have made the right decision. If he is telling the truth about wanting to return to Australia then you need to end it now.

If he's not planning to go back but using it as a threat to Lee you in line then you are definitely better off without him.

worktrip · 21/07/2021 20:51

Keep strong and keep him out of your life. Your daughter can have a relationship but anything with you will drive you mad

Bollindger · 21/07/2021 21:33

You live who you thought he could be, or would be.
You have just kicked the real life persona into next week.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 22/07/2021 09:40

I definitely think by bringing this up with him, his response has shown me his true colours. I simply can't be with someone like that. I think the past few months have all be a facade, a huge lie. Why even come back from Australia!

OP posts:
ToffeeNotCoffee · 23/07/2021 08:23

Why even come back from Australia!

Sorry, but that's what I thought too. He came back because of obligation, and at your request. He has his own place/bolt hole. That in itself is very telling.

Do I assume that your baby was not planned by both of you ?

Aren't you both a bit old for this drama ?

If/when he buggers off back to Australia/anywhere he will fall flat on his backside.

saraclara · 23/07/2021 08:34

Going silent is a terrible tactic. There are dozens of threads on here by women whose partners do that to them, and without exception, people respond to say how controlling and manipulative it is of their partner.

Ohiwish00 · 23/07/2021 08:41

Having read all of your posts and the back story, I think you’ve absolutely made the right decision.