Just broken up, what does his message mean?

[Cherryblossom200]

Firstly a bit of background on what has happened. My partner and me have a child together, we split up a long time ago and recently tried to make it work again. We love one another, but he doesn’t have a lot or relationship experience which causes problems (he is 45 btw)

He definitely has commitment issues, and I have found that he shuts down whenever I try to bring up any issues we have such as open communication.

I’m not really the type to chase, clingy or anything. I don’t put up with his bad behaviour and, if I’m not happy with with something I tend to create distance.

Up until this weekend everything had been going great, our weekends together were amazing. No drama or issues.

We had a chat this weekend with me asking him that I need open communication, where if I bring up serious issues then I need to be able to voice them and not be shut down. Without this it won’t work for me. And that as things progress I need more support from him with our child. Currently I do everything.

He then said that he has doubts about us, that he hates where he lives and that he wants to eventually go back to Australia. He said that he goes hot and cold because he doesn’t know if I am the one, and that if I want happy ever after he can’t give that to me.

So I said that’s fine, better we end it now than later. He then left. First thing the next morning he sent me this message:

Hi I wanted to let you know that I feel totally heartbroken and devastated this morning. And that however you are feeling that I am thinking of you x

I haven’t responded, I don’t know what he means?

If he told me everything I wanted to hear (which he has down in the past btw) I wouldn't believe it. This is him all over, when we were together previously we would break up (always him) we would get back together and he would push the relationship forward and then freak out again. He would cry when we broke up bla bla. Classic commitment issues. I put up with it for a few months, but this time I won't. It's too destructive and would destroy my daughter. Not going to happen.

He wants to keep his options open in terms of being able to head back to Australia. That's the main issue. He has always been torn between us and another country. Nice eh!?! I've never felt it was another woman. I'm not sure what's worse

I'm married to a New Zealander, we met in Britain, got married here in 1994 when we were both in our twenties. All is well. However, I cringe when I realise how naïve I was to assume he was all finished with New Zealand. (He told me he was because he truly was. I hadn't accounted for age and sentiment to kick in several years down the track, neither was he, I guess). Those were his formative years. His life in New Zealand pre-dates us as a couple. Deep in his heart, his run for home is/was New Zealand.

He had something else rather than some one else in his heart. That was hard to compete with. I couldn't compete and in fact, why should I ? Sure, he'd had a girlfriend in NZ but nothing serious, in fact she ended things between them.

We did live in New Zealand for a few years between 2011 and 2016, I was just humouring him. We're both happy to be home in Britain.

Toffee so glad you've shared your story. It's hard competing with a place isn't it. My ex is actually English but has a love for Australia. He is free spirited for suits him. He didn't meet anyone there either though. I thought he would as he loves surfing and the women at hot and sporty, so assumed that would be it for him! But nope, still not found that magic one 😂

This is him all over, when we were together previously we would break up (always him) we would get back together and he would push the relationship forward and then freak out again.

You've seen the pattern and sussed the game. You want better for you, better for your daughter. He's a head fuck. It's time to let him fuck with someone else's head.

On Sunday, calmly make arrangements for him to see your daughter. Ask him out right when he's going back to Australia. Call his bluff and witness how much baloney he comes out with.

I get it you want to protect your daughter from any potential emotional damage he could inflict on her just by being himself !

He's knows he's been a dick, is happy with the decision, but wants to sprinkle some glittery words on the turd so he can set the narrative that's he's not a massive dick. Which he is.

I thought he would as he loves surfing and the women are hot and sporty, so assumed that would be it for him! But nope, still not found that magic one

That made me smile !

Oh, I didn't realise. In short: ditch this loser.

Toffee, it just makes me think this woman is a fantasy in his head. That's why I know he is a waste of time. He won't commit to anyone or anything.

He won't commit to anyone or anything.

That includes your daughter.

At the age of 45 he's still chasing the surfing crowd ? Give me strength ! Has he so much as sorted any sort of working visa for Australia ? An idea of where to live ? Or is he going to be a 45 year old beach bum ? Yeah, that'll impress the chicks !

Is he going to wear a shark's tooth on a necklace around his neck and tell people to hang loose ?

My husband was born in Britain to British parents. He emigrated to New Zealand with them just before he was old enough to go to school.

it just makes me think this woman is a fantasy in his head.

She is.

If he ever met her, she would pass him over because he has got nothing to offer. The more years go by, the more he will build the fantasy in his head. He's one of life's takers. He's got some impossible ideal that mostly involves someone being all give to enable him to be all take.

He hasn't even got enough cool to come across as not needing or wanting money and success. People like that have got a lot of depth to their character, a lovely sense of humour and a lot of love and kindness in their heart.

Probably looking for his hole or at least keep it on ice.
Do not trust him.

Toffee he has his citizenship sorted, he made sure of that before he left. That seemed his priority throughout all of this. Securing Australia.
His aim was to try and get us to live there, that's all he has spoken about these past few months. How much we'd like it, how we'd meet his mates, how the school are great...just a load of b*llocks basically. No way would I move.

He is extremely immature when it comes to life, just wants a care free, no responsibility life. Which is totally fine. Some people are like that. But my issue has always been, don't come here and pretend this is what you want. I warned him of this, he ignored it and now reality kicked in abs he has realised he made a mistake.

I'm set up financially here; have a job and own my own house with substantial capital in the house. He has zero.

You've been posting about this man for absolutely years. He clearly isn't ever going to be a prospect of a partner or father figure. Rip off the plaster and tell the immature 46 year old wanker to fuck off back to Australia. Please!

just a load of bllocks basically. No way would I move.*

Never forget this. Ever.

Your reply to his pipedream about Australia is, 'stay here and be a Dad. You'll love it.' The look on his face will be priceless.

Schools ? Like he knows.

Come and meet his mates. Says it all, really. Does he want you to meet other families within the community ? Nope. Just his mates. Drinking and surfing mates, of course.

Ask him out right what is the one thing stopping him from going to Australia ?

It's not your relationship as that's finished. Not really being a dad to the little girl either. So, what is it ? What's he scared of ? He wants you basically chuck him out so he can be all full of self righteousness when he gets back to Australia.

Plenty of material to get a sympathy shag. He can even make a song and dance about how sad he is. He does realise it's Winter in Australia right now ? Not a great deal of surfing going on.

Is he looking/applying for jobs in Australia or is he reliant on a steady stream of mates to get him a job/place to sat/car to drive/etc etc etc.

I suspect his answer would be a suitable patronising, 'relax, babe.'

He’s sad the relationship is over, but he can’t help how he feels about leaving. It’s normal to be very upset at a break up but that doesn’t mean you want to rekindle it.

Mybestgirl, but his past pattern is to break up and then come back again. That's why I don't believe any of the rubbish that comes out of his mouth. He has done it his exact same pattern when we were together before our daughter was conceived. Flip flapping all over the place.

@pog100

You've been posting about this man for absolutely years. He clearly isn't ever going to be a prospect of a partner or father figure. Rip off the plaster and tell the immature 46 year old wanker to fuck off back to Australia. Please!

for YEARS.....

I met a few guys like this when I was in London— usually crashing or shacking up with friends of mine— they were often quite appealing on the surface- decent looking- fun- usually worked— they also had the emotional maturity of gnats , everything was about chilling, drinking, finding someone to leach off and demanding expensive high end stuff too- think Tiger prawns, lobster etc, usually with the girl paying. Honestly try and sort maintenance but don’t hold our your hopes and wave him a merry good bye