Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My marriage is over

108 replies

Problem100 · 18/07/2021 20:26

So after a rough 4 years my marriage is done. We are together over 20 years and married for 14. I had an affair four years ago, lasted 6 weeks, DH found out but wanted me back. He told everybody what happened. I ended up moving our children from the school because of it. He has been mentally emotionally and physically since the affair. He tells the children I don't love them and I'm a drunk both not true. This afternoon he pinched my son on the arm and he cried, looked at my sons arms and he has numerous small bruises. My son said its from play fighting with his sister. When I confronted DH he grabbed me by the arm and pushed me over the sofa and said I was a bitch trying to cause trouble. I went to bed and he followed me saying I'm done with you and you will not get me out of this house, I will make it so mentally unbearable for you that you will leave. I'm a SAHM since my second dd was born. My husband earns 90k and pays the mortgage. I don't know what to do. I'm not in the UK, I'm in Ireland. No family support or friends.

OP posts:
EezyOozy · 18/07/2021 20:27

You need legal advice about splitting assets.

Original poster
Problem100 · 18/07/2021 20:30

He seems to think that he can stay in the family home. I'm the primary care giver and have no income.

OP posts:
Hopeful22 · 18/07/2021 22:02

Oh god this is awful. He sounds nasty completely. Sounds like a very similar situation to what I'm going through, a horrible volatile marraige with a man who said same as your husband, he will drag me through courts and is not leaving the house even though the kids would be devastated at leaving their home. Such selfish behaviour. I'm in Ireland too and have tried contacting the Legal Aid board to see if I qualify for a free solicitor to get advice about staying in the family home with kids , I have no income either and no savings completely financially dependent on him .

junebirthdaygirl · 18/07/2021 22:07

The citizens advice bureau are helpful with advice in both these circumstances. Also the initial meeting with a solicitor is free so even one meeting might give you assurance of your rights.
I hope you manage to get free and remember a lot 9f men go on with those threats of l will get the house/ children etc. It's all bravado as you have rights.

Menmy3 · 18/07/2021 22:27

Phone the police and report him for the adult that will remove him in the immediate. Then set about an injunction x

Needapoodle · 18/07/2021 22:32

He's committing domestic violence against you and your son. Nothing you have done deserves that.

Original poster
Problem100 · 19/07/2021 08:12

Thank you replying. I was up all night with worry and anxiety and actually vomited twice. I've always looked after the children while he worked and had his hobby. My own parents seperated when I was 12 and it was horrific right up until my father passed away 8 years later. I'm so worried about losing my home. He has said that he is looking at places to rent for himself so can't afford the mortgage too and I need to get a job to pay it. I was meant to be going on holidays with my children this week but he has now said that the money he was meant to give towards accommodation is not happening. Kids are devastated as they have been looking forward to the holiday for so long. He's gone of to work whistling like he hasn't a care in the world. Meanwhile I don't know how I'm going to get through the day. He told me he was going to get a protection order against me so as I can't start any arguments with him because if I do he will ring the police. I had taken one out against him 4 years because of his verbal and mental abuse. Everyday I was called disgusting names and threatened with losing my children and home. I've contacted women's aid before but they couldn't do anything. I'm so sad.

OP posts:
SpongeBarb · 19/07/2021 08:16

You need to speak to a solicitor OP, and also social services to report this domestic violence and get advice. Your primary concern should be to protect your children from DV right now.

SpongeBarb · 19/07/2021 08:16

And yourself too, of course Flowers

WhiskeyGalore212 · 19/07/2021 08:18

Even in Ireland I don't think he can get you out of the house as the sahp and because you're married, you start with 50% of joint assets.

Need to talk to women's aid, citizens advice and solicitor .. if the first two have roi equivalents.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 19/07/2021 08:22

He has said that he is looking at places to rent for himself so can't afford the mortgage too and I need to get a job to pay it.

Well he has to pay child maintenance for a start!

You'll have to see what your income as a single sahp inc benefits, child maintenance etc is and if you could cover mortgage.

In meantime if he stops paying mortgage and risks repossession, he'll be blacklisted/have bad credit ongoing.

Is the mortgage in his name or both?

Surely womens and could help .. he's hurting your child.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 19/07/2021 08:24

Even if he wasn't, they should be able to advise on benefits.

Protection order ^)- well he can try to get one against you and you can get another one against him if he wants to play that game.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 19/07/2021 08:26

Even in Ireland I don't think he can get you out of the house as the sahp

What I mean by that is that the divorce settlement/judgement usually involves the sahp staying in the house until kids are out of full-time education or over a certain age.

And as I said asset division starts at 50% including eg his pensions.

Original poster
Problem100 · 19/07/2021 08:27

The mortgage is in both our names. He said I will pay 100 euro a week to feed the kids, that's it. I shouldn't be surprised as his own brother is seperated and owes thousands in child maintenance. If I go on benefits it would just cover the mortgage and nothing else. He has told me if I contact the police that social services will take the kids from me.

OP posts:
Discovery65 · 19/07/2021 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cakequeen1988 · 19/07/2021 08:48

Social services won’t take the children away from you the main care giver who is contacting the police to protect them. Document his abuse, photograph your sons bruises. Keep and texts and messages he sends.

You are protecting your children and you need to prioritise that. A life on benefits (where you could get a job) will be better than being with someone who abused you and your children

TheLongRider · 19/07/2021 08:59

Coercive control is illegal in Ireland. Go to the Gardaí, talk to Women's Aid too. He can threaten you like this and get away with it. Someone will take you seriously.

Original poster
Problem100 · 19/07/2021 09:02

He makes me feel like I'm going mad. He blames everything on me. I disagree with him over anything and I've ruined the evening, day, weekend. He drags the children into it. Look at your Mammy starting again, she ruins everything doesn't she? The kids don't see or hear what leads up to all of it though, they just see me reacting because he makes sure they do. To the outside world he is Mr. Perfect. He will do anything for anyone, Mr nice guy.

OP posts:
Sid077 · 19/07/2021 09:08

Do you have access to bank accounts, if you do go on holidays with the kids or just take day trips this week to distract yourselves. In Ireland you have strong protection in terms of marital assets - generally you own 50% of everything. Gather as much info as you can around bank statements, savings, shares, pension. Contact Womens Aid who will help and look for a job to support yourself, think about how much better things will be when you don’t have to deal with this a** on a daily basis anymore, it’s a new beginning. Tusla do not take kids from parents who report their partners abuse to the Garda again Womens Aid can help. Good Luck.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 19/07/2021 09:09

He said I will pay 100 euro a week to feed the kids, that's it.

That's quite funny.

That he actually thinks he gets to decide how much he pays towards his kids.

Time for a child maintenance claim to make him wake up and small the coffee.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 19/07/2021 09:10

*smell obviously.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 19/07/2021 09:12

The mortgage is in both our names

That's a pity because of its not paid and goes into arrears and then repossession, both your names will possibly be affected credit wise.

You need to get info ASAP on how much money you can get in from benefits, child maintenance etc.

Elieza · 19/07/2021 09:12

Don’t believe his lies about the courts taking the kids from you. He’s saying that to manipulate you so he gets what he wants. They would never take the kids away from the main carer for no good reason. He’s not a nice person and this has been brewing for years.

Speak to a lawyer as soon as possible. Now. Today. Get an appointment for ASAP. Before he starts to hide assets you are owed half of and pretend he has less than he does.

Can you secretly start photographing his bank statements, savings accounts etc, his P60, any financial info at all?

If you are entitled to half of stuff then that means half the house. Without a job you will be unable to buy him out of his half of the house so you’d own it all, as you need a job to get a mortgage.

So the courts may either let you stay in it with the kids till they are bigger, or the house will be sold and you both go your separate ways with your separate money to buy your own places.

Think about if that’s enough to get a place in the area you want. Near a good school etc.

Start looking for part time work. Do you have any work experience? If so perhaps that is the starting point as you’re more likely to get a job in day a supermarket if you’ve worked in them before and are happy to update your skills.

Honestly, it’s easy for me to stay, but from the court action before it seems like this has been in the post for a while. You just delayed the inevitable by not leaving then. Please seek legal advice and go this time. It’s daunting I know but you can do this. For yourself and then. Don’t believe him when he spits his lies. Things will not get better while you are together. He’s not nice. You deserve better.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 19/07/2021 09:13

Though he may not truly let it go into arrears or become a repossession because it will affect his credit badly.

ItPearl · 19/07/2021 09:27

@Problem100 this sounds so hard. Nothing will ever be harder than getting through this. I wasn't married to my x and we 'only' had 2 dc so I left, walked out the door with nothing but debts he'd manipulated me in to taking on to keep me tied to him.

I'm in Ireland too, and there is help out there and you're going to have to access it. You cannot get through this on your own. I know this type of man.

Ring women's Aid and tell them everything, and if you don't get through to a useful person the first time, ring back. The ''helpfulness' of the people on the phones is a bit mixed. There is free legal aid and I hope that they would be able to advise how the wife of an earner of 90k could access free legal aid.
Then you can find out how walking away (with proof of abuse) would affect outcomes in a divorce.

Prioritise your safety. You'll become more and more ground down if you stay to do better in a divorce.

Every single time he gets aggressive with you or the DC, ring the gardai.

When my x was bombarding me with horrible horrible abusive texts I went to the gardai and said, if I end up dead and it looks like an accident, it wasn't, ok!? They were kinder and more informed about domestic abuse than i would have anticipated. I'd already left though.

Keep posting.