My marriage is over

[Problem100]

So after a rough 4 years my marriage is done. We are together over 20 years and married for 14. I had an affair four years ago, lasted 6 weeks, DH found out but wanted me back. He told everybody what happened. I ended up moving our children from the school because of it. He has been mentally emotionally and physically since the affair. He tells the children I don't love them and I'm a drunk both not true. This afternoon he pinched my son on the arm and he cried, looked at my sons arms and he has numerous small bruises. My son said its from play fighting with his sister. When I confronted DH he grabbed me by the arm and pushed me over the sofa and said I was a bitch trying to cause trouble. I went to bed and he followed me saying I'm done with you and you will not get me out of this house, I will make it so mentally unbearable for you that you will leave. I'm a SAHM since my second dd was born. My husband earns 90k and pays the mortgage. I don't know what to do. I'm not in the UK, I'm in Ireland. No family support or friends.

Do you look at any youtubers who have clips on how to deal with abuse?

Meredith Miller
Michelle Lee Nieves
Dr Ramani
Kim Saeed
Lisa A Romano

@Problem100

The mortgage is in both our names. He said I will pay 100 euro a week to feed the kids, that's it. I shouldn't be surprised as his own brother is seperated and owes thousands in child maintenance. If I go on benefits it would just cover the mortgage and nothing else. He has told me if I contact the police that social services will take the kids from me.

They ALL say that (abusers)

It's so text book

Let him. All he will do is expose himself to the courts as an abuser. This is text book abuser behavior.

Thank you everyone. I have no access to his bank account. I know he has savings in the credit union, he saves weekly.No shares or current pension. Before I was a SAHM I was a supervisor for a haulage company, I was there for 11 years. I do have admin experience. Its just so daunting, I've lost all my self confidence. I used to be confident and would make decisions but now everything I do or say is wrong. I'm going to apply for free legal aid and get a solicitor. I will look into benefits in the mean time but I think I might need some sore of seperation agreement to claim lone parents. I just feel so sorry for my children. I never wanted this for them. I rang him to see if I can have money to take the kids away as its booked and he said "if you want to go find the money yourself, hung up and blocked me".

Contact the Gardai right away to get a protection order in place. If you can't get hold of a solicitor call FLAC who will offer advice over the phone and set you up a free legal advice appointment with one of their solicitors. Advise your GP of the pinching and have it on record. Do the same through Social Services. Also contact your Community Welfare Officer to begin a claim and they can put you onto an emergency payment.

He unblocked me to tell me he is getting a protection order today, he is in the courts, I don't even know if they are open. I burst out crying, I can't do this. DD1 is giving me the silent treatment now. I just want to run away. I don't know if I have the strength for all of this. He has done a great job over the last 4 years so have me this low, this lonely, nó friends or family and now the kids. Who does that? Why does he have to be so cruel and nasty. No doubt he was onto his family telling them the latest.

I know you want to stay in the house, but this man sounds like a psychopath and he is not going to acquiesce to that.

He has ground you down to nothing on purpose and gone off to work whistling, so that it makes planning your survival very hard.

Talk to women's Aid again. I rang them once and got somebody pretty useless, I rang back another time and got somebody wonderful.

It sounds like The House is your priority. And I get that. But in a situation like this, I wonder if your best chance of clawing back a peaceful life for yourself might not be to sever as many ties as possible and get away with the equity a good solicitor can give you.

I was on lone parent allowance for a good few years.

The level of anxiety you'll be subjected to battling over a house with a man who has more money and more power will de-rail you.

Get a solicitor who understands abuse, hopefully WA can recommend one.

HE is getting a protection order?
Wow.

I'm so sorry that your daughter is giving you the silent treatment. This is very very hard.

Can you ring women's aid right now?

Start diarying all of this.

xx

@Problem100

The mortgage is in both our names. He said I will pay 100 euro a week to feed the kids, that's it. I shouldn't be surprised as his own brother is seperated and owes thousands in child maintenance. If I go on benefits it would just cover the mortgage and nothing else. He has told me if I contact the police that social services will take the kids from me.

No they won't. This is a horribly situation. MN has some wise women who can help. Please try WA again. Don't believe what he says, he's trying to scare you. Good luck

Do you have anybody?

He has you ground down so low with his deliberate cruelty.

Yes, it's like abusive arsehole BINGO

My x was going to fight me for full custody. I am in a place where I can laugh at that now. He couldn't even take the two kids at once at one point. He wanted my mother to come with them because he couldn't mind two children on his own!?!? But yet, he'd told me my mental health was in the gutter.

It's all just abuser bingo.

They all say the same things.

And the courts have heard it all before.

There are some great clips on line on how to deal with an abusive narcissist in court. And he sounds like a bad one.

There is about 200k equity in the house before legal fees, estate agents etc. I live in Dublin so wouldn't find anywhere for 100k. Dc are 9,11 and 13 and previously changed school because of him mouthing of at the school telling everybody what was going on. He had never gone near the kids school until then. With this protection order it basically means he will goad me, make nasty comments and I can't retaliate because he will call the police. I feel so trapped. I'm going to ring Women's Aid when I get a minute away from the kids. I don't want him to know. If I could secure a home for me and the kids I would leave this house.

He constantly tells me I'm mad, I'm an alcoholic, everybody hates me and I'm not fit to look after the kids. I have diagnosed generalised anxiety disorder, ptsd and depression. This doesn't stop him leaving the kids with me all the time. I've gone through tough times mentally over the last 4 years and he doesn't care.

1800 341 900

Ask them if walking away to be safe will be interpreted as ''proof'' you're not a good mother.

He's threatened you and is now using the courts to manipulate you. He's really cranking it up a notch here. WA will need to bring out their big guns to help you.

Please ring them. It might take a while to get connected with somebody who gets the full extent of what you're up against. But you are strong. You've been ground down by somebody who deliberately setting out to deplete you and you're still going. That's strength.

You have the strength to ring women's aid and you have the strength and the patience to make a few phone calls if that is what is required.

You've put up with far far worse for much longer.

xx

Please do show that you are doing everything to get away from this man by calling woman aid etc

@Problem100

He constantly tells me I'm mad, I'm an alcoholic, everybody hates me and I'm not fit to look after the kids. I have diagnosed generalised anxiety disorder, ptsd and depression. This doesn't stop him leaving the kids with me all the time. I've gone through tough times mentally over the last 4 years and he doesn't care.

Yes, it's all classic abusive behavior. ''you're nuts'' (you're a loser, you're stupid, you're pathetic) but I"m going to leave my kids with you while i go out cycling.

I'm sure you're anxious right now. Who wouldn't be. You're in an impossible situation right now.

Of course you're anxious.

Accept that he's a fucking psychopath and that you have to get as far away from him as possible.

He was probably pleased that you went through those tough times as it strengthened his control over you.

Speed is of the essence here OP

You have a set number of hours to make decisions until he comes back from work.

Please act fast. you have got a lot to do and you need to prioritise.

phone calls to prioritise.

1. 24 hour service set about Changing the locks before he comes back.
2. women's aid for emotional support
3. Garda get incident numbers

And do following REALLY FAST PLEASE

Get cash out for emergencies

check any joint bank accounts to make sure he hasn't emptied them.

Solicitor to get injunction

In more or less that order.

Text him to say he will need to go somewhere else today.
If he bangs on door phone police again.

You will NOT lose the house, this is coercive control and abuse.
You will be operating on automatic pilot for a while.

Good luck. Its crap, but you will get through it.

I've just noticed that he has replaced the children's new passports with their old ones. I had my passport and the kids new ones together in an envelope with other documentation as we were meant to fly out on Thursday. I was going with the kids on my own for 2 weeks (even though I'm an unfit mother) and he was meant to be coming out for the next two weeks.He keeps saying though that he doesn't want to go. I'm actually just like wtf??? By the time I would have noticed at the airport it would have been too late to go back home and get the new passports. This would have been another blame it on Mammy and the kids holiday ruined because of my mistake.

I think that if you go through WA, it's there on record that that's how desperate you were.

The judge will not be able to ignore that you walked away from the house to go to a refuge. Women don't do that lightly.

If it's all on record and you do go in to court (for the divorce) with that on record and the support (i'd hope) of a women's aid representative and a solicitor recommend by WA, then the judge cannot ignore that there was abuse.

The only way that that's relevant is that leaving the home can't be held against you.

don't text now ex until he is due to leave from work this evening. you need to be several steps ahead now.

@Problem100

I've just noticed that he has replaced the children's new passports with their old ones. I had my passport and the kids new ones together in an envelope with other documentation as we were meant to fly out on Thursday. I was going with the kids on my own for 2 weeks (even though I'm an unfit mother) and he was meant to be coming out for the next two weeks.He keeps saying though that he doesn't want to go. I'm actually just like wtf??? By the time I would have noticed at the airport it would have been too late to go back home and get the new passports. This would have been another blame it on Mammy and the kids holiday ruined because of my mistake.

omg, he is a psychopath.

You cannot win.

All you can do is get away from him. Figure out how to get to safety.

I would divorce him but from safety. Don't fear being on benefits. I lived in a rent allowance property and I was on Lone parent allowance for years and it was definitely not the worst time in my life.

I know it might be more complicated when you were married. But go to women's aid. they will be able to let you know how to work your way through this.

He sounds an absolutely psychopath.

If you can get away and get some equity out of a sold house you'll be better off.

He will threaten everything under the sun by the sounds of it.

On what grounds has he told the courts he needs a protection order from you? How does that work when he's going back to the house later after work?

@Problem100

He constantly tells me I'm mad, I'm an alcoholic, everybody hates me and I'm not fit to look after the kids. I have diagnosed generalised anxiety disorder, ptsd and depression. This doesn't stop him leaving the kids with me all the time. I've gone through tough times mentally over the last 4 years and he doesn't care.

This is standard behaviour honestly.

Prepare yourself for attempted character assassination.

You are right, he doesn't care.

But you DO and you will get through this OP. I promise you.

If you really do wish to leave, consider a women's refuge with the kids.

But the better option is as advised and dig your heels in.

24 hour change locks.

You must you must you must show the agencies that you are protecting your kids. Yes, this is crap but the minute he is out of the house you will start to feel better.

Wow, you poor thing. He is abusing and gaslighting you.

Please please phone a womans refuge/the police. You need to get support and get out safely with your kids. They will see how he has isolated you etc and know it's not you.

@Problem100

Thank you everyone. I have no access to his bank account. I know he has savings in the credit union, he saves weekly.No shares or current pension. Before I was a SAHM I was a supervisor for a haulage company, I was there for 11 years. I do have admin experience. Its just so daunting, I've lost all my self confidence. I used to be confident and would make decisions but now everything I do or say is wrong. I'm going to apply for free legal aid and get a solicitor. I will look into benefits in the mean time but I think I might need some sore of seperation agreement to claim lone parents. I just feel so sorry for my children. I never wanted this for them. I rang him to see if I can have money to take the kids away as its booked and he said "if you want to go find the money yourself, hung up and blocked me".

Please don't bother speaking to him..

No, you won't need a seperation agreement.

Just, please deal with TODAY.

Priorities.

Safety.

Yours and the kids

Food.

Place to stay.

Immediate funds.

You can draw on your strengths in admin. Seventy five per cent of this is organisation.

Get your lists out and start ticking things off.

I'm just googling a protection order now. Would he need evidence that there had been violence/?

''What is a protection order?
Between the time of making an application for a safety order (or barring order) and the court’s determination (decision), there may be reasonable grounds for believing that the safety and welfare of you or of a dependent person is at risk. If so, the court can grant a protection order to prohibit the respondent from:

Using or threatening to use violence
If the person is not living with you, watching or being near your home
Following or communicating with you or a dependent person
A protection order is temporary and only effective until the court hearing for the application for a safety order (or barring order).''

So does this mean he's ''got in there first'' and he has the right to stay in the house?

Could he get one when there is no court case pending?
Could he get one when there has been no violence (towards him!)
He could say that there has been but obviously that is ont on record because it hasn't happened.