My marriage is over

[Problem100]

So after a rough 4 years my marriage is done. We are together over 20 years and married for 14. I had an affair four years ago, lasted 6 weeks, DH found out but wanted me back. He told everybody what happened. I ended up moving our children from the school because of it. He has been mentally emotionally and physically since the affair. He tells the children I don't love them and I'm a drunk both not true. This afternoon he pinched my son on the arm and he cried, looked at my sons arms and he has numerous small bruises. My son said its from play fighting with his sister. When I confronted DH he grabbed me by the arm and pushed me over the sofa and said I was a bitch trying to cause trouble. I went to bed and he followed me saying I'm done with you and you will not get me out of this house, I will make it so mentally unbearable for you that you will leave. I'm a SAHM since my second dd was born. My husband earns 90k and pays the mortgage. I don't know what to do. I'm not in the UK, I'm in Ireland. No family support or friends.

@ItPearl,thank you for all your support. No, holiday not in Ireland. We are flying to Portugal and it would be 2 weeks without him.

So he'd have to give you back the passports?

That's what I'm thinking if he told DD1 we were going on holiday.

Fingers crossed for you.

Even just two weeks without him will replenish your depleted energies right now.

You could try and make the odd phone call if you were up to it.

Do you not have a bank account, like could he look through your phone records/?

Make sure you have photos of the bruises on your child to show to police and social services, poor little boy.

The text to his daughter is proof you have no access to money. Keep a copy of it.

You need to report it to the police.
He has hurt his child.

Photograph that text. He’s trying to manipulate his daughter. Bastard.

He’s going to use that to show anyone/courts that he’s a good guy paying for you to take dc on holiday blah blah. But we know the truth - he’s a manipulator using your kids against you with no consideration for their well-being.

It would be nice if he gave you the money in front of dc -along with their passports. If he doesn’t give you them ask him in front of the kids and put h on the spot. He hasn’t realised yet youve sussed that they are the old ones.

Once you have them and the money you may get to go on holiday. I hope so for the kids sakes.

But do hide anything of value at home as you may come back and it will be gone. Like kids baby booties or photos etc memories Or actual valuables like your favourite antique vase or jewellery or whatever. He’s a bastard so he will try and hurt you through other non physical ways by the sound of it. If you could get stuff to somewhere safe that would be good.

I couldn't text last night as he was around. He came home from work two hours late, no explanation. He had a shower and went to bed and fell asleep in daughters bedroom. Came downstairs at about 8.30pm and went to the shop, came home with treats for the kids. No communication between me and him.He went back up to daughters bedroom and played computer games with her. At about 10.30pm I was putting the children to bed but dd was in the middle of a game with him. He told me it's just finished. So I went to bed to read and at 11pm dd was still on the computer and he was on his phone(its normal for him to stay up until 1am). He just ignored me when I said that dd needs to go to bed. Anyway dd turned the computer of and came to sleep in my bed. I left my bedroom door open due to the heat and I heard our other dd asking him if he was coming to Portugal. He said yes. Oh when I got into bed he came in and asked did I want him to come with us when we get our PCR tests this evening. I said no, we will be fine.

Have you presented at the police station asking for help?

You need to do this.

There is NO excuse for his behaviour, affair or no affair.

No excuse for hurting his children.

He is scum.

Yes I have an appointment with the family liason officer today.

Oh good.

Please, please do NOT sugar coat it.

Lay on thick his hurting your son, the threats, the mind games, the passports, his constant threats to you, the gaslighting.

If you want support you need to say in plain language you fear for your life and for your children.
That he is unstable and you are terrified.

They have to act and contact services for the children.
Tell them about your lack of money, hoe he controls EVERYTHING.

This meeting is your chance to help yourself.

Tell them the very worst of what he has done.
Make it easy for them to know what to do.

Stress how afraid of him you are and afraid of him hurting your children.

I have wrote down everything I can think of and I'm going to give it to the liason officer. I don't want to get there and forget half of all the stuff he's done.

Well done for doing that.
Reread this thread to see does it remind you of other things.

The more detail the great the picture you paint.

Tell them you want help from children's services to protect your children from him.

Hope everything when ok for you today and you've got some plans in place to stay safe

Thank you, the Gardaí are getting me a protection order tomorrow. Tusla have been advised. Family liason officer is helping me with free legal aid as the only option is to seperate.

I can't legally get him to leave the house unless he physically attacks me again and I ring the Gardaí straight away. If this happens, I can get a barring order against him and he has to leave the house.

@Problem100

Yes I have an appointment with the family liason officer today.

Good. I'm really glad to hear this.

He sounds utterly demented. He has told your daughter that he is going with you to Portugal??

@Problem100

Thank you, the Gardaí are getting me a protection order tomorrow. Tusla have been advised. Family liason officer is helping me with free legal aid as the only option is to seperate.

Glad to hear it. I am sending you strength. xx

He told dd that he was. I don't know. He won't get the protection order until I go to Portugal. I played stupid today and said I must have put the old passports in the folder but when I was putting your underwear in your drawer I noticed the new ones. He said oh yeah I had them with other documents.

And coercive control is a crime now. Financial abuse is a part of this.

So just seconding the advice to tell them everything.
Write it all down in bullet form to remind you to mention everything, in case your mind goes blank or you get side tracked talking about something else by them.

He will torture you until the very last minute. You won't know if he's coming with you or not :-(

If he's told you it's over then in theory he won't want to go to Portugal with you. He is so emotionally abusive! You won't know yourself when you get free of this torture and you can just be free to enjoy the simple things in life without this level of 'persecution' on a daily basis.

Thank you @ItPearl, you have given me so much advice. I'm forever grateful.

I don't know what will happen when he receives the protection order.