My marriage is over

[Problem100]

So after a rough 4 years my marriage is done. We are together over 20 years and married for 14. I had an affair four years ago, lasted 6 weeks, DH found out but wanted me back. He told everybody what happened. I ended up moving our children from the school because of it. He has been mentally emotionally and physically since the affair. He tells the children I don't love them and I'm a drunk both not true. This afternoon he pinched my son on the arm and he cried, looked at my sons arms and he has numerous small bruises. My son said its from play fighting with his sister. When I confronted DH he grabbed me by the arm and pushed me over the sofa and said I was a bitch trying to cause trouble. I went to bed and he followed me saying I'm done with you and you will not get me out of this house, I will make it so mentally unbearable for you that you will leave. I'm a SAHM since my second dd was born. My husband earns 90k and pays the mortgage. I don't know what to do. I'm not in the UK, I'm in Ireland. No family support or friends.

Also, he's not the dependent person as he earns 90k and you're the sahm.

I think he's talking out of his arse.

OP, you mentioned at the beginning of your post that you’d had an affair. Am I right in thinking that he was abusive before you had the affair and that the affair was partly fuelled by that? And you’ve put up with being treated like this for so long now because of the guilt you feel over what you did?

Your subject title says it all: “my marriage is over.” In truth it should have been over at the point you had the affair, because you should have left then rather than come back to this. So please don’t feel any guilt over the past or even the need to bring up the fact you had an affair.

Take some deep breaths, and think logically about what he’s saying. Social services have absolutely no reason to take away your children on his say-so. Added to which, what does it say about him that he would apparently be prepared for his children to be taken into care rather than assume responsibility for himself. Even the “I’ll get full custody” one which men spout is bollocks, but it’s at least a bit more plausible than “the kids will be taken into care,” meaning that he would lose them as well…

I’m sorry that your DD is being like this, but hopefully once you’re out of the situation she will see how much calmer things are and will realise that everything isn’t always as she’s been told.

He won’t have any choice but to sell the house for you to have the equity. Can you get a job now so that you can apply for a mortgage soon? I know £100k won’t buy a new house, but it will give you a decent deposit.

Please go to the police.

He has hurt his child and he is abusing you.

No more discussion with him.

Go to the police.

Ring Women's aid for advice.

I agree with all the above.

Except I don’t know if you are allowed to change the locks. That’s something for a legal person to answer for the law in your country.

Yes. He is planning to use the law to control you so you have to be face what's happening head on.

I don't think he's eligible for a protection order, as he's not the dependent one in the relationship, there's no court case pending and there's no record of violence, but this shows you how he will attempt to manipulate the law and the system.

Stay strong but ring women's aid and ring the guards. xx

OP I've skimmed the thread so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said. I speak as someone with experience as a safeguarding professional, and I can assure you that you are not to blame. You, and your children, are at high risk. He knows you are now trying to break away; this is the highest risk time for serious violence and domestic homicide. I'm not saying this to scare you, I'm telling you this because you need to know that you and your children are at huge risk. He is already physically abusing you and your children. This is not the time to worry about rights to the house I'm afraid. Do you drive? If so, fab. If not, book a taxi to take you and your children to the nearest manned police station. Grab a bag each and take the essentials. Clothes, basic toiletries, small items that are important to you and any paperwork that you can gather. Phone Children Social Care, tell them that you are fleeing domestic abuse with your children and will need support. Tell them which police station you are going to. Then go. Your children will thank you for it, I promise you that. Report to the police station, tell them everything you have said here. They will be able to confirm with the courts whether a Protection Order has been applied for, they will also be able to help you sort out applying for one yourself. You need to contact the passport office to have the passports he has in his possession cancelled as well. This sounds daunting, I know. It is daunting. But OP you CAN do this. Your children will NOT be taken away from you by doing this; it strengthens your position because you have acted to remove them from an abusive situation. Once you have taken this first step the agencies will be able to hold your hand through the next bits, you may even be eligible for a support worker to help you handle it and they will advise on things like legal assistance. You don't deserve this my lovely, you and your children deserve to live a happy life free from pain and intimidation. As to what he will and won't pay, unfortunately for him that's not his call to make his finances will be assessed and they will tell him so please don't let him keep you trapped - he's spouting bullshit to make you feel that you can't do this. I've worked with and seen hundreds of women in the same position, and not one of them has regretted leaving in the long run. I wish you and your children the very best of luck x

@Problem100

He unblocked me to tell me he is getting a protection order today, he is in the courts, I don't even know if they are open. I burst out crying, I can't do this. DD1 is giving me the silent treatment now. I just want to run away. I don't know if I have the strength for all of this. He has done a great job over the last 4 years so have me this low, this lonely, nó friends or family and now the kids. Who does that? Why does he have to be so cruel and nasty. No doubt he was onto his family telling them the latest.

Be aware that he is most probably BLUFFING.

Honestly.

Don't believe anything he says.

He is trying to SCARE you. You don't understand that mind set because you are a decent person.

Don't be scared. You will be okay. Many of us on here have done this journey love and you will find strength you didn't know you had.

I wish I were there to give you a hug.

Make THIS your FREEDOM DAY.

Get the locks changed love.

@namechanger21oops

OP I've skimmed the thread so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said. I speak as someone with experience as a safeguarding professional, and I can assure you that you are not to blame. You, and your children, are at high risk. He knows you are now trying to break away; this is the highest risk time for serious violence and domestic homicide. I'm not saying this to scare you, I'm telling you this because you need to know that you and your children are at huge risk. He is already physically abusing you and your children. This is not the time to worry about rights to the house I'm afraid. Do you drive? If so, fab. If not, book a taxi to take you and your children to the nearest manned police station. Grab a bag each and take the essentials. Clothes, basic toiletries, small items that are important to you and any paperwork that you can gather. Phone Children Social Care, tell them that you are fleeing domestic abuse with your children and will need support. Tell them which police station you are going to. Then go. Your children will thank you for it, I promise you that. Report to the police station, tell them everything you have said here. They will be able to confirm with the courts whether a Protection Order has been applied for, they will also be able to help you sort out applying for one yourself. You need to contact the passport office to have the passports he has in his possession cancelled as well. This sounds daunting, I know. It is daunting. But OP you CAN do this. Your children will NOT be taken away from you by doing this; it strengthens your position because you have acted to remove them from an abusive situation. Once you have taken this first step the agencies will be able to hold your hand through the next bits, you may even be eligible for a support worker to help you handle it and they will advise on things like legal assistance. You don't deserve this my lovely, you and your children deserve to live a happy life free from pain and intimidation. As to what he will and won't pay, unfortunately for him that's not his call to make his finances will be assessed and they will tell him so please don't let him keep you trapped - he's spouting bullshit to make you feel that you can't do this. I've worked with and seen hundreds of women in the same position, and not one of them has regretted leaving in the long run. I wish you and your children the very best of luck x

OR, do THIS as advised by previous poster.

Some women manage to stay, it is ok to leave.

Police station a very good option. They will have to help you.

How old are your kids? Firstly you need to speak to the police and women's aid (or similar) then assuming they are school age you need to start looking for work for when school holidays are over. I presume maintenance is similar to the U.K. and you are required to look for work at least pt to get benefits past a certain age. By being financially more independent you are in a stronger position

@namechanger21oops

OP I've skimmed the thread so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said. I speak as someone with experience as a safeguarding professional, and I can assure you that you are not to blame. You, and your children, are at high risk. He knows you are now trying to break away; this is the highest risk time for serious violence and domestic homicide. I'm not saying this to scare you, I'm telling you this because you need to know that you and your children are at huge risk. He is already physically abusing you and your children. This is not the time to worry about rights to the house I'm afraid. Do you drive? If so, fab. If not, book a taxi to take you and your children to the nearest manned police station. Grab a bag each and take the essentials. Clothes, basic toiletries, small items that are important to you and any paperwork that you can gather. Phone Children Social Care, tell them that you are fleeing domestic abuse with your children and will need support. Tell them which police station you are going to. Then go. Your children will thank you for it, I promise you that. Report to the police station, tell them everything you have said here. They will be able to confirm with the courts whether a Protection Order has been applied for, they will also be able to help you sort out applying for one yourself. You need to contact the passport office to have the passports he has in his possession cancelled as well. This sounds daunting, I know. It is daunting. But OP you CAN do this. Your children will NOT be taken away from you by doing this; it strengthens your position because you have acted to remove them from an abusive situation. Once you have taken this first step the agencies will be able to hold your hand through the next bits, you may even be eligible for a support worker to help you handle it and they will advise on things like legal assistance. You don't deserve this my lovely, you and your children deserve to live a happy life free from pain and intimidation. As to what he will and won't pay, unfortunately for him that's not his call to make his finances will be assessed and they will tell him so please don't let him keep you trapped - he's spouting bullshit to make you feel that you can't do this. I've worked with and seen hundreds of women in the same position, and not one of them has regretted leaving in the long run. I wish you and your children the very best of luck x

Just seconding what this poster has to say.

My x attacked me as I walked out the door as he'd figured out it was an escape plan, not a quick trip home.

I wasn't seriously hurt. In fact, it was nice to walk away with that clarity. You know, just absolute certainty that I'd had no choice.

I would give up on staying in the house. If you get set up on social welfare and eventually get the equity from the house you'll be ok. He'll drag his heels selling it no doubt but that gives you time to get away and get a job.

Social welfare going in to my account once a week gave me more security than I'd felt in years, after years of his financial, emotional, verbal and physical abuse, i felt so safe and secure living on a small but secure amount of welfare.

I got a job pt job when my youngest was 7 and a ft job when my youngest was 11. We're all doing OK.

It was the hardest thing I've ever been through but you get ONE LIFE @Problem100

Take a deeeeep breath and do what you need to do to get away from this maniac.

Ps, and I agree so much that if you go this path, the agencies have to deal with you properly. There's no risk of getting a newbie volunteer on the phone.

It's all done through the proper channels.

You have to be strong at the moment.

He is using the children against you as well. He is abusive and they will have already figured out that it's safer to side with dad.

Many children behave this way in crisis moments, DD1 is giving you the silent treatment, he knows she is doing this and welcomes the added abuse.

Try not to be upset by your daughters actions, this to me shows how much he controls your family, they are in survival mode.

Speak to WA, please don't think you are in the wrong, that is his job now convincing everyone arround you that you are the abusive one, and that includes you.

You are not the abuser.
He knows exactly what he is doing.

This is truly awful. I think the main concern and priority is to get you and your children somewhere safe away from the physical abuse and then set about getting the whole thing reported. Please contact women’s aid.. it’s so horrible how he’s treating you.. pinching the children and leaving marks is in humane. Forget about the £100 for food for the kids.. he’s making out he cares when he clearly doesn’t at all..

You need to get into citizens advice about what social welfare payments you're entitled to, and apply for free legal aid.

You also need to speak to the guards about getting your own emergency protection order for mental and physical abuse of the you and the kids: take photos of your sons arm. Tell the guards he has confiscated passports.

Change the locks while he's gone today.

I know it's shit now but you just need to take practical steps now to safeguard your future.

Photocopy or genius scan all important documents (house deeds, bank accounts, threatening texts, credit union statements)

Irish courts are months behind due to COVID and have to be booked in advance and given a time slot so I doubt he's in court. But don't even engage with that thought process. Just focus on what you need to do now.

Good idea to tell the guards he's confiscated the passports.

Thank you all and my apologies for not replying individually. I contacted women's aid, they have no vacancies for me and my children. They have advised me to contact the Gardaí to report everything. Once it's reported to the Gardaí they have to contact Tusla (child welfare agency). Citizens advice told me I should qualify for free legal aid as I have no income of my own. I might be eligible for a small amount of social welfare. I have been advised not to change the locks as we are both on the deeds and mortgage. I'm slowly trying to get through everything. I have no access to bank accounts whatsoever and no cash.

His behaviour started deteriorating about 2 years before I had the affair. He was distant, uninterested, didn't listen to me. He begged me to come back and that's when he got worse verbally, mentally and physically. We went to marriage counselling but he said the counsellor was on my side. He didn't listen to counsellor. We are still going around in circles. He has got more aggressive and controlling. I used to have access to his bank account and he would give me his card but not anymore. He never talks to me just at me. He had a nasty tongue and tbh the verbal and mental abuse is so much worse than the physical abuse.

Well done. Even that first call is so hard.

I think you will protect yourself from his games by ringing the gardai first. I'm sending you strength.
If you have no access to any money at all then that is clear financial abuse :-(
I know you said that your dad died, but is your mum still alive?

xx

My Mam is still alive but she's not an active part of my life. When my Mam and dad seperated she became very bitter and angry resentful towards her children. She had to go back to work and pay the bills/mortgage as my father didn't pay maintenance. Her attitude is very much its your own problem, not mine. Any friends I did have he got rid of. I wasn't allowed out after the affair and I wasn't allowed see my friends.

I'm in Dublin too Problem100 pm me any time if I can help at all. Its an absolutely awful situation for you. I hope these men get their comeuppance controlling despicable people

You're in a very tough situation right now, and at the end of the pandemic (we hope) every single place in a refuge is going to be in demand.

Sorry to hear that you're mum can't support you.

I wonder could you get put on a waiting list to go to a refuge.

@Problem100 also report him for financial abuse then. Make the phone call to the guards a priority. And write a list of all the practical things you need to do.

He has just text DD1, she's 13. Hello sweetheart, I have paid for the accommodation for your holiday on Thursday and I have money for Mammy. Like wtaf????

Wow. He is totally fucking with you isn't he. But it'll be a week away from him. When you're away and he's not with you, you could make some phone calls. Is the holiday in Ireland? or do you need the up to date passports?