Home sweet home. Who gets it?

[AnotherGo]

So I haven't split from my DH but his behaviour this weekend is the final straw. Won't bore you with the detail but he was unbelievably awful. To me. Not to kids.

I know I need to speak to lawyer which I'm getting on with tomorrow but just wanted some practical advice

10 years old I bought a flat by myself (years before I met him). I bought this flat all cash with money from a rich grandparent who died. It was v small and cheap. He moved into the flat 5 years ago. The flat remained in my name.

We had two kids. We obviously outgrew one bed flat.

9 months ago we bought our dream house. With the money from the flat as a 50% deposit. We are both on the mortgage and both paid half for the last 9 months

The house was bought with my money from the flat which I got years before I met him.

He has been an absolute arsehole. Every penny I saved and every penny my grandad saved is in this house. He didn't put in a pound. (Other than 10 months of mortgage payments which of course I would give him)

Does he really get half the house? He hates the houses. He hates everything. Me and my two tiny kids are so happy here. I can't bear to tell my family I've signed half of all that money to him.

The kids custody is an entirely far more difficult and emotional thing which I can't even face. He will go for custody but he uses his love for the kids as a weapon. He will use them to hurt me

Anyway any ideas on the house? How do I find a good solicitor? Once he knows I'm done he is going to go after me for everything I have and care about.

Thank you for the replies. The law is actually changing in regard to DV. If children live in a himself where DV occurs then they will be seen as victims in own right due to the negative impact on them. I know the impact of DV on children whether direct or indirect which is why I'm getting out after 3 short years rather than try for counseling etc

Live in a household

I am thinking of my children btw. The equity in the house is worth more than his pension pot plus savings. I will get myself a lawyer buy trust me I'm going to be fighting for the best financial outcome for them every step of the way. I don't want drama. I want a clean cut and then to not argue over money or anything else with him ever again.

@SlothinSpirit

I agree with *@VodselForDinner*. Sunk costs fallacy, OP. Get out with the kids. Get yourself a lawyer. Then get what you can of the assets.

The house doesn't matter to the kids so don't stress too much if it has to be sold.. they're so little that wherever you are is home.

DO NOT leave that house. You will be considered "rehoused" and that will impact how much you receive from the house.

OP, you will be making a contributions argument, based on the excessive proportion of assets you contributed to the house i.e. 100% of it. He will be making a needs argument i.e. he needs to be adequately rehoused. You should plan to counter this with YOUR need to also remain adequately housed, preferably in the family home. Can you remortgage solely in your name? You argument will be strengthened if his name can be removed so that his mortgage capacity is returned to him and he may then buy another property for himself.

Your strategy should be to plan to pay him out enough to rehouse himself, which you should he able to do from your share of his savings and your share of his pension.

You will need a good solictor. A very good one. But be careful of the costs eating into any settlement.

OP: he won’t get full custody of a 3m old and he wouldn’t get full custody anyway unless you are a violent / neglectful parent if some kind.

If you are ‘resident parent’ you might get more of the house because a roof over the kids head is a priority.

The short marriage could well be taken into account in your favour.

And if at the end of mediation and legal struggle it looks as if he can get a good proportion of the house then you really do want half his savings , pension etc.

Just be calm and talk to a lawyer. Don’t panic until you have legal advice that you need to.

I think this thread shows, OP, that what you need is really good legal advice. Once you have it, you don't have to continue with it (as @PicsInRed says, you don't want legal costs swallowing up whatever is available). But you do need proper professional advice that is specific to your situation.

@PicsInRed is also right about the house. Neither of you should leave the house, as whoever leaves the house has demonstrated that they can be rehoused unproblematically (in terms of lawyers).

this is why I love Mumsnet..

the fast and honest advise is great 🌸

Erm, why don’t you want his pension, savings etc? You need to add up all assets, all of them, his savings, pensions etc, yours too, stop being so focused on the house alone.

*OP: he won’t get full custody of a 3m old and he wouldn’t get full custody anyway unless you are a violent / neglectful parent if some kind.

If you are ‘resident parent’ you might get more of the house because a roof over the kids head is a priority.

The short marriage could well be taken into account in your favour.

And if at the end of mediation and legal struggle it looks as if he can get a good proportion of the house then you really do want half his savings , pension etc.

Just be calm and talk to a lawyer. Don’t panic until you have legal advice that you need to*

This!

I am resident parent and bought my ex out for a third of the equity, after a 7 year marriage, and he had put some deposit in too.
It's not automatically 50:50. I was told that because I would be resident parent and my earning potential would be lower than his due to working around children, I could insist on more than 50% of the house.

The focus on the house is probably me trying to solve something practical rather than deal with the v emotionally and horrible truth that I've married the wrong person and now my kids are gonna suffer because of it. People on here are so supportive and encouraging and say YES LTB...but I still can't wrap my head round the idea of dropping my two babies round his new house when i just know he won't look after himself properly or them and will be so full of anger and resentment that they will have to deal with

Thank you again for taking the time to reply. I wish things were different.

@AnotherGo

The focus on the house is probably me trying to solve something practical rather than deal with the v emotionally and horrible truth that I've married the wrong person and now my kids are gonna suffer because of it. People on here are so supportive and encouraging and say YES LTB...but I still can't wrap my head round the idea of dropping my two babies round his new house when i just know he won't look after himself properly or them and will be so full of anger and resentment that they will have to deal with

Thank you again for taking the time to reply. I wish things were different.

OP, I really feel for you. I didn't leave my XH until our DC were teenagers precisely for this reason. I waited because I couldn't cope with the idea of me not being there with them the whole time.

In a way, the financial problem is the least of it. I, at any rate, was grieving for the life which I thought the children and I were going to have.

I'm going through similar at the moment. You could use his pension and savings as leverage. Ie, you won't touch them in exchange for more equity.

Split is based on need - where possible, you both come out on an equal footing, especially if you're sharing care of children.

Lastly, significant monetary sums from one party do sometimes get taken into account by the courts when dividing assets. But obviously, avoid court if you can.

Good luck!

@AnotherGo

I know I'm being naive. He has a v good pension and I don't really. But I don't want his pension or savings or anything from him. I can do this by myself. I just want him to leave me and the kids in our home. I know I don't get what I want just because I want it. I'm such an idiot. I kept putting his behaviour down to mental health and he talked about getting help but he's just nasty.

You don't need to take his savings or pension, but you can offset those against the house equity. If there's enough of those and given its a short marriage you might be able to agree to keep the house without an equity pay out to him and he keeps his pension and savings. Put everything that qualifies into the pot, since he has more savings and pension including those or the portion of those that can be included due to length of marriage, including those things makes it more likely you can keep your inheritance and home. As the marriage is short I'd be seeing a solicitor with the relevant figures on various assets you both have and timeline of the relationship and marriage and finding out what is likely to be considered a shared asset, before you speak to him.

Why would you drop your two babies round his new house? If they are very young then they are unlikely to be staying away from their main carer for long .

Very few divorced fathers have their kids 50:50. They all say they want that so they don’t have to pay child maintenance. But very few go through with it.

Talk to your solicitor about it.

@0DETTE

Why would you drop your two babies round his new house? If they are very young then they are unlikely to be staying away from their main carer for long .

Very few divorced fathers have their kids 50:50. They all say they want that so they don’t have to pay child maintenance. But very few go through with it.

Talk to your solicitor about it.

But the OP has said she and her husband both work f/t. So she can't claim she's their main carer, and he could reasonably say it's 50:50 (even if, in practice, she does most of the 'wife' work).

This is why the OP needs a very, very good lawyer who specialises in this stuff.

@0DETTE because they're his kids as everyone keeps reminding me of. But yes I'll talk to solicitor and of course the baby for now needs to stay with me.

My fear is that he won't be able to cope with them. But he won't admit that because his pride won't allow it. So he'll just continue having them by himself and they will be the ones that really suffer

I do really appreciate all the words of wisdom from everyone. And the fact not one person has said "Ah he can't be that bad...you should stay and work it out for the kids"

I’m guessing that the Op was the one who took family leave after the oldest was born . Assuming that she took one year Maternity leave, she was the main carer for half of the two year olds life AND she is currently the main carer for the 3 month old.

So he’s going to struggle to prove that he’s the main carer when she is on Mat leave and he works full time.

But yes I agree that she needs a solicitor ASAP .

I actually don't think you'd lose much. The court take into account the length of marriage, time the kids are with you rather than him etc and I can't imagine a court giving father custody to a bf baby.
See a good lawyer and get it pinned down but I'd be surprised if you couldn't stay in the house provided you are the primary cater to the kids (which is likely if they're that young).
Just be prepared you'll probably have to go through the courts to get what you want. If he's anything like my ex, he will make is as hard for you as possible so you need to make things bulletproof.
Don't stay with a nasty person you don't love. You'll all suffer if you do that xx

[quote AnotherGo]@HollowTalk together for 5 years, married for 3. No joint account, I manage mortgage and all bills and he gives me money to cover half of that. Both work full time but I'm currently on mat leave. But I could go back tomorrow and will do. He's v good with the kids but he doesn't do anything as such for them e.g. he is loving but not much hard work. They are tiny (2 yrs and 3 months).[/quote]
I always love it when one of us women on here come on and say 'he's great with the kids but doesn't do much' 😆

Op I suggest you pay for legal advice. Speak to women’s aid and ask for recommendations. They have a list of solicitors who are very experienced in helping women who have abusive partners.
I agree with everyone who says move quickly if you want to protect your equity in the house.
Call or email women’s aid and while you are waiting for the appointment write everything down. Finances, earnings, who contributed what, child care situation. If you have it all on paper you will get more value from the appointment as the solicitor can see what the position is and doesn’t have to ask you a ton of questions.
I think there’s a good chance you will get more than 50 percent. Can I also urge you to claim maintenance and don’t waive your right to any assets. This won’t make an abusive guy leave you alone

@AnotherGo

Thank you so much for your replies.

He actually hates his job and has little desire to stay working. He says he would like to be a stay at home dad and me go out work. I have no issue with this except he has never cleaned the bathroom in his life, hands the baby over when he cries, can't drive so cant get toddler to nursery, asks what's for dinner (you know the type, there are thousands of posts about similar rubbish men on here)

But if he quits his job....which I could see him doing easily.. he could argue to be the primary caregiver when I go back to work rather than nursery fees. I feel so trapped. Like if I go back to work he might take the kids and quit.

If there's a risk he'd quit his job I'd think seperating sooner might be better. I wouldn't want to go back to work with him as a SAHD if you know you need to seperate.

Kick him out 🌸