Home sweet home. Who gets it?

[AnotherGo]

So I haven't split from my DH but his behaviour this weekend is the final straw. Won't bore you with the detail but he was unbelievably awful. To me. Not to kids.

I know I need to speak to lawyer which I'm getting on with tomorrow but just wanted some practical advice

10 years old I bought a flat by myself (years before I met him). I bought this flat all cash with money from a rich grandparent who died. It was v small and cheap. He moved into the flat 5 years ago. The flat remained in my name.

We had two kids. We obviously outgrew one bed flat.

9 months ago we bought our dream house. With the money from the flat as a 50% deposit. We are both on the mortgage and both paid half for the last 9 months

The house was bought with my money from the flat which I got years before I met him.

He has been an absolute arsehole. Every penny I saved and every penny my grandad saved is in this house. He didn't put in a pound. (Other than 10 months of mortgage payments which of course I would give him)

Does he really get half the house? He hates the houses. He hates everything. Me and my two tiny kids are so happy here. I can't bear to tell my family I've signed half of all that money to him.

The kids custody is an entirely far more difficult and emotional thing which I can't even face. He will go for custody but he uses his love for the kids as a weapon. He will use them to hurt me

Anyway any ideas on the house? How do I find a good solicitor? Once he knows I'm done he is going to go after me for everything I have and care about.

@bigbaggyeyes

The quicker you move the more chance you have of securing what you put into the house (I think), I'm no solicitor but the shorter the marriage the better in terms of holding onto your finances. A solicitor will be able to put you in the picture and you'll be able to make plans with the right legal information.

Yes I agree ... move quickly

@TedMullins

Obviously you should leave if he’s a nasty bully, there’s no question of that.

But I have to ask - what exactly did you think getting married meant? It is and always has been a legal union of all your assets. I’m not sure how anyone is unaware of this.

I'm sure OP feels distressed enough

No, don’t sign away your rights because that is also provision for DC when they are with you.
You won’t be left alone by him as he is the father of the children but you can minimise contact to a low amount once you have matters agreed. And yes, that is better than staying with a man who values you so little.

FGS don't wait. The quicker you get through this the better it'll be financially and about the kids in every sense. Get yourself to a lawyer very fast with all the paperwork. Make it as easy as you can for the lawyer.
So pay slips
Bank accounts
Savings
Pensions
Childcare arrangements
House docs
Mortgage.

Aim high with what you want.
Work out what you're prep

Prepared to accept.

@TedMullins I thought that perhaps because a) we have only been married for 3 years b) the deposit money was acquired years before I met him and not during the marriage c) we have only had the house 9 months so he's only been helping pay the mortgage for 9 months d) I'm willing to do go after his pension or anything then maybe...just maybe it might not be 5050 on the house

And some ppl on here think I might have a case. So yeah I get that you're combining assets but if every asset was split down the middle in every divorce whatever the context there wouldn't be the need for so many bloody divorce lawyers arguing over stuff

Actually TedMullins, it depends where you are. In Scotland, what is split is the difference between what is accrued in the marriage (between the wedding and the date of separation only). Not what parties had beforehand so not all your assets. No idea how it works in England, but anyway, most people don’t go into marriage thinking they will separate. I agree that there should be more knowledge of what divorce means but this thread is not the place for that discussion.

[quote AnotherGo]@TedMullins I thought that perhaps because a) we have only been married for 3 years b) the deposit money was acquired years before I met him and not during the marriage c) we have only had the house 9 months so he's only been helping pay the mortgage for 9 months d) I'm willing to do go after his pension or anything then maybe...just maybe it might not be 5050 on the house

And some ppl on here think I might have a case. So yeah I get that you're combining assets but if every asset was split down the middle in every divorce whatever the context there wouldn't be the need for so many bloody divorce lawyers arguing over stuff[/quote]

Yes ... but you must act quickly

I’m not a lawyer so I don’t know if legally you have a case for otherwise - I’d assume you probably do in the same way that other marriages don’t always end with a 50/50 split. It certainly would seem fair for you to keep the house and everything you paid for - I’m just surprised you didn’t think of legally protecting this before marrying him.

Would moving this to Legal help OP at all ?

But I really don't get how people enter a legal contract and have no idea what they are signing up. More and more I think people should have to prove they got independent legal advice, before they marry.

Yeah but where is the small print that people are meant to read before marrying? I don't remember the vicar giving me any!

[quote AnotherGo]@0DETTE You're right. I guess I was just looking for reassurance that there is scope/possibility that leaving him doesn't have to mean losing everything else. I know I probw sound silly again but I'd sign away right to child maintenance, pension and savings to just be left alone by him.

He's gonna be an even worse ex husband than he is a husband. But I've got another 50 years on this planet (hopefully) and I'm not spending them with a man who sulks for 3 days and thinks sex is bending me over for 30 seconds once a week[/quote]
I’m sorry but any reassurances you get here are not worth the paper they are written on. You need proper legal advice.

And throwing away your children’s money for the next 20 years might seem like a dramatic gesture to you. But I can assure you that your kids won’t thank you for it.

Child support is for YOUR KIDS. It’s not yours to turn down.

The pensions and savings are also matrimonial assets in most jurisdictions. You need you share of it to support your kids. To pay for their hobbies, holidays and their education.

Do you want to tell them “ Sorry Darling, we can’t afford for you to go to university because I gave your father all the assets in the hope of an easy life. I CBA to fight for you and your future “ .

He may leave you alone when he finds his next victim. Or he may not , no one knows. But he will do the same whether you give him all your kids money or not.

So quit the drama, get legal advice , make your plans and reach out to people in RL who will support you.

I'm in the exact same position, but a longer marriage. I put most of my money from my flat into our shared house. Anything I had left I put into rewiring, new boiler, decorating, furniture. Now we're splitting up and I've had conflicting advice from solicitors re the deposit. One told me if I can show that I put the money in from my flat then I could possibly make sure that doesn't get split 5050. Another said I've got no chance.
I feel so stupid but, like you, at the time it seemed a good thing to do. You don't think it'll work out like this. Good luck!

Please do have 50% of his pension .All assets are on the table . The finances will be split between you both .This is what happens

Please listen to @0DETTE. I gave my ex husband everything because it was me that wanted out and I wanted to be fair— to be honest he thought no better of me than if I had demanded 50% of the lot and as I realised 2 years down the line by that point I didn’t give a damn what he thought and would have preferred the cash to his respect!

Your family might see how unhappy you are and when you tell them about splitting up, they may just be relieved that you’re getting away from him. The money may not even come into it

Divorce quickly.

When you take legal advice make sure you do actually tell them he's abusing you or say that there is domestic abuse. There clearly is classic DV, and it is relevant.

You will receive incorrect advice if you don't mention it. You need to clearly use those words - don't hint, don't minimise, don't interplay or make excuses, and don't try giving isolated examples because people without lots of experience in domestic abuse won't realise what you mean. You have to use the actual words.

By the way, anyone who abuses his child's mother and is willing to use his child as a weapon does not love them. Being prepared to play with them occasionally whilst neglecting all their other needs is not love.

Creating a toxic environment to damage their developing nervous systems is not love either. I don't want to make you feel worse but it's a very tiny mitigation that the children are only witnessing the abuse not in the receiving end (yet). It still has an effect on them. So they need you to be strong and courageous and leave.

Get advice and make a plan. Keep it to yourself until things are ready to go. Don't tip him off.

I would consider speaking to Women's Aid as well as a solicitor. And maybe do the Freedom Programme course to help you process things and equip you with the knowledge to deal with him post-divorce if he continues being coercive and controlling. Understanding what's driving his behaviour and what his objectives are make it easier to manage without get sucked in or dragged down.

Don't beat yourself up. Abusive men don't escalate until they're confident they have you trapped. You had every right to believe the man you loved and trusted was a decent human being. You deserved better, and right now you deserve kindness from yourself not a beating.

His pension may well be worth the same or more than the house. Don't discount it.

OP stop panicking, it's absolutely normal and human to panic but you and the kids will be better served if you tamp that down as much as you can.
Get off MN and
a) make a list of local solicitors to ring (easy to do on phone)
b) talk to the most pragmatic, level headed friend you can - ideally with some experience of divorce, but basically you want someone who can look at things objectively and help you make rational decisions
c) think about where the financial paperwork is (you'll want your H to be out when you go and photograph it all) - if there are online things you can access then get those records too.

That's all you can do tonight. Tomorrow, ring shedloads of solicitors (maybe take baby for a walk to the park if privacy is an option).
Remember:
The past can't be changed.
The future will be best if you keep your head.
I must be about twenty years older than you and naturally have divorced friends.
You will be fine.
And. Breathe.

The big question is how different are your salaries and who is the resident parent.

You may get far more than 50% of the equity if his salary is higher than yours and you have the kids most of the time. You can also claim more if it was a short marriage but what is a short marriage is not written in stone.

And don’t feel like an idiot for marrying him, people change, I see a lot of women in shit marriages thinking they have “chosen a good man”. Instead congratulate yourself for having the courage to leave someone who has been making you miserable for years.

I'd sign away right to child maintenance, pension and savings to just be left alone by him

This is one of the reasons I think you'd benefit from the Freedom Programme course btw. He's driven by power and the high it gives him. What you view as compromise he views as weakness. Where you are looking for reason or fairness in a discussion, he is looking for power or control.

If you choose to acquiesce to some demands and if you choose not to fight for certain things, do so because it is right for you and the children not because you think it will lead to him reciprocating or leaving you alone.

He will just push for something else, find a different boundary to erode, a different button to press. Give an inch, he'll take a mile.

You should have ringfenced your deposit. However, now you need a good solicitor who can negotiate a clean break of assets with some maintenance for the kids. When he realises he'll lose half his savings and pension, he may be willing to swap that for his half of the property

I'd sign away right to child maintenance, pension and savings to just be left alone by him

Well, that would be a big mistake, as you are not thinking of your children's needs when you say that. I know, though, how it feels to want to be free at any price.

You can mention DV, if you like - but the law isn't that interested in DV. The law is interested primarily in the children's needs being met. If your husband hasn't been abusive to the DC, it's irrelevant.

@dottiedodah

Please do have 50% of his pension .All assets are on the table . The finances will be split between you both .This is what happens

How much pension do you actually think someone would have from 3 or 5 years ?