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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Home sweet home. Who gets it?

129 replies

AnotherGo · 18/07/2021 13:20

So I haven't split from my DH but his behaviour this weekend is the final straw. Won't bore you with the detail but he was unbelievably awful. To me. Not to kids.

I know I need to speak to lawyer which I'm getting on with tomorrow but just wanted some practical advice

10 years old I bought a flat by myself (years before I met him). I bought this flat all cash with money from a rich grandparent who died. It was v small and cheap. He moved into the flat 5 years ago. The flat remained in my name.

We had two kids. We obviously outgrew one bed flat.

9 months ago we bought our dream house. With the money from the flat as a 50% deposit. We are both on the mortgage and both paid half for the last 9 months

The house was bought with my money from the flat which I got years before I met him.

He has been an absolute arsehole. Every penny I saved and every penny my grandad saved is in this house. He didn't put in a pound. (Other than 10 months of mortgage payments which of course I would give him)

Does he really get half the house? He hates the houses. He hates everything. Me and my two tiny kids are so happy here. I can't bear to tell my family I've signed half of all that money to him.

The kids custody is an entirely far more difficult and emotional thing which I can't even face. He will go for custody but he uses his love for the kids as a weapon. He will use them to hurt me

Anyway any ideas on the house? How do I find a good solicitor? Once he knows I'm done he is going to go after me for everything I have and care about.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/07/2021 16:21

You've only been married a relatively short time and only living together 5 years, is that right? You might be alright yet, OP.

Assets acquired before the marriage may not necessarily be counted into the marital assets - I would certainly request that they are excluded from the settlement. www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2017/matrimonial-and-non-matrimonial-assets/

Don't panic yet - short marriage and it being an inheritance and acquired before the relationship may mean he doesn't have a claim, or much of a claim on it.

Crikeyalmighty · 18/07/2021 16:23

I’m afraid just like the house the children aren’t just your children they are his children too, and custody situations aren’t always fair — quite a lot of men do have 50/50 —despite doing next to bugger all whilst married, purely to try and avoid maintenance. That’s why this aspect is so important to get good advice on first and foremost

SixesAndEights · 18/07/2021 16:30

OP, before catastrophising go and see a lawyer.

It's a very short marriage so it's likely not to be as disastrous as you're imagining.

And he has assets too.

Chloemol · 18/07/2021 16:45

Half If his savings will be yours

milcal · 18/07/2021 16:50

Did you buy the house together before getting married?

Authenticcelestialmusic · 18/07/2021 16:56

Speak to a lawyer. Do you know how much he has in savings and his pension? Is the pension final salary? Can you find the statements?
Get all the info and pay to speak to a lawyer. Write down all the numbers and names of savings accounts,ex employers (cv is good for this) to make sure no pension is hidden. Make a spreadsheet to saw the solicitor.

Never tell him you don’t want his pension or savings. Find out what you are entitled to. You may find his savings and pension are similar to the house value.

milcal · 18/07/2021 16:56

As others have said get a good lawyer.

Don't move out. Stay put and I'm sure that the money you put in will be taken into account. If he has a bigger pension and savings then that means you get half. Or he keeps it and gives you more of the house. You have kids so they can't be made homeless. Did his career progress after kids but yours didn't? If so this is also a factor in your favour.

Good luck 🤞🏻

HelenHywater · 18/07/2021 17:00

OP, speak to a lawyer - we can't tell you the position. It might be that he isn't entitled to the money from the flat as you only bought the house 10 months ago.

Even if it's 50.50, you're entitled to half his savings and half his pensions, so it comes down to a negotiation. And I'm assuming you'd be happy with the house and he will keep his savings and pension in return. But you need a lawyer asap.

Care of the children is a separate discussion. A lot of horrible men threaten that they will fight for 50% residency - very few actually mean it.

Mix56 · 18/07/2021 17:33

You agree to nothing before finding a SHL.
If he has a big pension & savings it might be negotiable that you keep the house, (minus his recent contributions ?)
If you forgo your right to half his pension & savings
Also you will be entitled to more than 50/50 as you are primary carer.
He will also have to pay towards his children, make a claim asap.

DoorMatCat · 18/07/2021 17:34

Assets: HOUSE PENSIONS SAVINGS

I think you'll have some decent leverage here. As much as you fear he'll want the house equity, he'll also be loathe to relinquish HIS pension and savings.

You may not come out a winner but you may not lose as much as you fear.

The very best of luck with finding a good legal team. I have a faint recollection that someone once reported having visited every decent lawyer in their locality (using the free half hour??) thereby effectively barring them from working for the stbx (confidentiality?). Please don't take that as gospel!

mistermagpie · 18/07/2021 17:46

In my divorce (we didn't have kids though so it was simpler), his pension amounted to roughly his half of the house, give or take. So he kept that and I kept the house.

You need legal advice - it's not as simple as 50/50 down the middle and there is scope to negotiate.

Fireflygal · 18/07/2021 17:56

Please don't panic as it might not be as dire as you fear.

You have 2 tiny children and your maternity leave means you will be main carer. I doubt it would be 50:50 with a bf baby.

Do you know his pensions and savings? Can you find these out as abusive men suddenly make this disappear when solicitors get involved. Your ages are relevant here as well.

If his savings are 50k, his pension £150k that is all offset against any equity in the house. A court will look at the ability of each person to have a house suitable for children. If you stay in the house could he use the savings and mortgage to rehouse himself and live sufficiently....if so then that might be a way forward. If you go back to work on a part time basis your ability to remortgage is less therefore a greater share of equity maybe needed.

If you are not claiming child benefit I would start now and make sure it goes into your account.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Often the abuse starts when they realise you are trapped so buying the house and having children will be the trigger. You haven't caused this.

Your family may not understand, mine struggled to relate to the man who made such a gushing speech about it at our wedding. This switch if behaviour is often caused by narcisstic personalities and if so it's sensible to get yourself armed with knowledge on the subject.

0DETTE · 18/07/2021 17:59

[quote AnotherGo]@Whiskycav Yeah. I mean getting married or choosing to have kids with someone...you do it because you believe these things won't be issues later down the line. And I presumed 5050 but I also wanted to share it all with him, the kids, the house. Naive. Stupid. I posted on here in the hope that ppl might give me a steer about whether it's possible to avoid 5050 on the house given the context.[/quote]
No one here can give you a steer because

  1. They don’t know the country you live in so they don’t know the relevant law
  2. They dont know the details of your circumstances.

You say that you have been stupid in the past - your words not mine. So don’t compound that stupidity by getting incorrect legal advice from randomers online.

Make a list of all your assets and liabilities ( including his savings / pensions) and the relevant facts and consult a solicitor.

This week.

Original poster
AnotherGo · 18/07/2021 17:59

Thank you so much for your replies.

He actually hates his job and has little desire to stay working. He says he would like to be a stay at home dad and me go out work. I have no issue with this except he has never cleaned the bathroom in his life, hands the baby over when he cries, can't drive so cant get toddler to nursery, asks what's for dinner (you know the type, there are thousands of posts about similar rubbish men on here)

But if he quits his job....which I could see him doing easily.. he could argue to be the primary caregiver when I go back to work rather than nursery fees. I feel so trapped. Like if I go back to work he might take the kids and quit.

OP posts:
KatySun · 18/07/2021 18:01

Don’t stay because of advice you get online. Speak to a good lawyer and make decisions from there.

Original poster
AnotherGo · 18/07/2021 18:02

Sorry know that's about custody, not house. I have no desire to screw him over or stop him seeing his kids. I just am so terrified of him taking the kids and the house and pretending to be modern stay at home dad type whereas actually it's because he believes staying at home with kids means looking at your phone on the sofa all day while he hands the toddler biscuits.

OP posts:
KatySun · 18/07/2021 18:03

He is not going to quit his job to be primary carer if he hands a crying baby back to you.

CrystalBollocks · 18/07/2021 18:03

OP, do you have any friends who can recommend a divorce solicitor? If so, you need to ask them, and act on it asap. There are too many things for anyone here to unscramble. But on the whole, it is unlikely that either party will walk away even from a short marriage with everything they brought to it, once children come into the picture. Their needs trump everyone else's.

CrystalBollocks · 18/07/2021 18:05

But if he quits his job....which I could see him doing easily.. he could argue to be the primary caregiver when I go back to work rather than nursery fees. I feel so trapped. Like if I go back to work he might take the kids and quit

My understanding of this is that there would be a 'reasonable expectation' that your husband is able to work and earn, and therefore any court order would say this. He couldn't just decide, now, to become a SAHD. But you really do need proper legal advice.

dancinfeet · 18/07/2021 18:07

Yes he likely gets 50%. I paid the deposit on our joint mortgage, plus paid the mortgage most months when ex h spent his wages on clothes and clubbing. He still got half.

Whiskycav · 18/07/2021 18:09

You need to start recoding things, like who does what.

He can't just drop his job the day you ask for a divorce and claim he is a Sahp.

You should get legal advice before saying anything. Then you can prove you were seeking divorce before he quit.

But also, sahp don't just get to stay at home forever. The plan was for you both to work. He has no need to stay at home.

Even if he did. He would soon get bored of actually having to look after the kids.

Original poster
AnotherGo · 18/07/2021 18:09

@0DETTE You're right. I guess I was just looking for reassurance that there is scope/possibility that leaving him doesn't have to mean losing everything else. I know I probw sound silly again but I'd sign away right to child maintenance, pension and savings to just be left alone by him.

He's gonna be an even worse ex husband than he is a husband. But I've got another 50 years on this planet (hopefully) and I'm not spending them with a man who sulks for 3 days and thinks sex is bending me over for 30 seconds once a week

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 18/07/2021 18:12

Im heart sorry for you OP, but you are doing the right thing in getting out now..

go see a Solicitor and take it from there 🌸

TedMullins · 18/07/2021 18:12

Obviously you should leave if he’s a nasty bully, there’s no question of that.

But I have to ask - what exactly did you think getting married meant? It is and always has been a legal union of all your assets. I’m not sure how anyone is unaware of this.

bigbaggyeyes · 18/07/2021 18:13

The quicker you move the more chance you have of securing what you put into the house (I think), I'm no solicitor but the shorter the marriage the better in terms of holding onto your finances. A solicitor will be able to put you in the picture and you'll be able to make plans with the right legal information.