Home sweet home. Who gets it?

[AnotherGo]

So I haven't split from my DH but his behaviour this weekend is the final straw. Won't bore you with the detail but he was unbelievably awful. To me. Not to kids.

I know I need to speak to lawyer which I'm getting on with tomorrow but just wanted some practical advice

10 years old I bought a flat by myself (years before I met him). I bought this flat all cash with money from a rich grandparent who died. It was v small and cheap. He moved into the flat 5 years ago. The flat remained in my name.

We had two kids. We obviously outgrew one bed flat.

9 months ago we bought our dream house. With the money from the flat as a 50% deposit. We are both on the mortgage and both paid half for the last 9 months

The house was bought with my money from the flat which I got years before I met him.

He has been an absolute arsehole. Every penny I saved and every penny my grandad saved is in this house. He didn't put in a pound. (Other than 10 months of mortgage payments which of course I would give him)

Does he really get half the house? He hates the houses. He hates everything. Me and my two tiny kids are so happy here. I can't bear to tell my family I've signed half of all that money to him.

The kids custody is an entirely far more difficult and emotional thing which I can't even face. He will go for custody but he uses his love for the kids as a weapon. He will use them to hurt me

Anyway any ideas on the house? How do I find a good solicitor? Once he knows I'm done he is going to go after me for everything I have and care about.

Op no the advice you’re getting is incorrect. There is no automatic right to property. It’s a myth. Speak to a solicitor. It’s a short marriage so it’s doubtful he’d get half

Hi I've just been through this. Previous cohabitation will be added to length of marriage.

He won't definitely get half. He might, but not always.

Its a fairly short marriage and if you are to become the resident parent, it's unlikely he will get 50/50. But not a given.

However, you will be entitled to some of his savings since you were married and some of his pension. You may be able to us those to get some leverage and a good negotiation point. You won't be entitled to half his pension or half in savings, in all liklihood.

The factcthat he lived rent free and managed to save some money, isn't really relevant. You weren't married and you made that decision, happily.

He could have walked away at that point. Took all his savings from living rent free and you couldn't do anything.

Can you afford to increase your mortgage, if you need to to buy out whatever his portion ends up being?

Short marriages and long marriages are different when it comes to divorce. If you wanted 10-20 years and your kids were older, he could get more.

You really need specialist legal advice. What I have said isn't the case, in every case. Every divorce is slightly different.

I have friends going through a very similar split at the moment. Short marriage (3years) means that for them there is no automatic entitlement to 50%.
All of your joint assets will be taken into consideration, including how the deposit was funded, and his savings. Get yourself a solicitor and put together all your paperwork showing how you paid for the flat prior to meeting him.
It’s a misconception that everything is split 50/50.

Get good solid legal advice. Whilst he doesn't know your plans get copies of his accounts/pensions if you can. If he is going to be nasty get nasty back. Good luck OP

It's not correct that 50/50 is the starting-point. My understanding (but I'm no expert) is that this only applies to 'marital' assets.

The starting-point will be the needs of the children. So whoever will be their primary carer will get a bigger share of assets. If you're going to do 50/50 care, you will both need to be suitably housed.

It's not one way... if he goes for the house, you can go for his savings/pension.

Get hold of as much financial information as you can and then go see a solicitor who can give you proper advice.

@VodselForDinner

I don’t mean to scare you, but I think you should look at the custody issue before the property/financial one.

You’re working off the basis that he’ll get 50% of the house and you and the kids will remain in it.

If he is given primary custody (a huge “if”, I know) you might find he’s allowed remain in the house with them and you’re living elsewhere and paying child maintenance.

You need a shit hot lawyer ASAP.

This made me feel sick. I'd rather stay than this. Right now I don't want to leave the kids with him for the time it takes me to pop to the shop. His mind isn't in a good place. I'm still BF my baby and he csnt drive so no idea how he would get DS1 to nursery. Surely this couldn't happen? I read about such awful stories online. Maybe I just need to stay

3 years marriage plus 2 years is still deemed to be a short marriage . See a lawyer . It's not going to be as awful as some have suggested here .

@anothergo. Provided you are resident parent I think you will find in a short marriage 25% of pension and 25% of his savings may well add up to the maybe 35% you would need to give of the house. 50/50 is very much a starting point from which they work up or down depending on other assets and other factors. Factor in maintenance and it may well be you can stay put without buying him out—. My friend who had a decent job basically cancelled off his maintenance that would be due in lieu of buying him out as well as letting him keep 100% of his pension. It’s a negotiable thing not a set formula fixed in stone and depends on many factors so get yourself a shit hot family lawyer ASAP

Been through a divorce so know this from bitter experience. Assets you bring into a marriage you get to take out. Assets acquired during the marriage are split 50/50. In short marriages (which you may be able to argue) then you have an even stronger case to retain what you put in.

Go and see a lawyer and discuss it with them. You may have a case to argue that, as you acquired the asset before the marriage, you get to retain it. However (I suspect) this will also depend on whether you bought your dream home as joint tenants or tenants in common. If joint tenants then he has a stronger case for getting 50%. As I said - go and see a lawyer urgently.

Best of luck.

@Jasmeen

In fairness this happens to men all of the time. Look at it this way, you bought the house with inheritance, so at least the money wasnt made from hours of sweat blood and tears which I would assume would be enraging.

The guilt is all consuming. Its my grandads sweat blood and tears I've signed away like an absolute moron. I wholeheartedly believed our marriage would work but every week he is nastier and nastier to me. I can't live like this. But my family will be devastated by my stupidity. I lose whatever I do.

I don't have any legal expertise, but I wanted to say a friend of mine was in a similar situation except that her DH was the one who brought assets into the marriage.

When they split (after having one DC) she didn't get any of the equity he put into their house, not did she get to stay there, despite having primary custody of their DC.

I always felt her solicitor had done badly, but it certainly is not the case that marriage means 50:50.

@foxy123

Hi I've just been through this. Previous cohabitation will be added to length of marriage.

This is true and it's what happened in my daughter's divorce.

This made me feel sick. I'd rather stay than this. Right now I don't want to leave the kids with him for the time it takes me to pop to the shop. His mind isn't in a good place. I'm still BF my baby and he csnt drive so no idea how he would get DS1 to nursery. Surely this couldn't happen? I read about such awful stories online. Maybe I just need to stay

You don’t need to stay. You need to get a good solicitor.

I’m sorry if my post upset you but what I’m trying to say is that divorce is complicated, especially when it comes to custody and splitting assets. For you, the most important thing is custody so focus on that and don’t wear yourself, or your resources, out worrying about the financial split. Ultimately, you have very little control over that and it will be decided by a judge/agreed between solicitors.

Don’t wear yourself out on the house when you need to save your energy for the custody issue.

I agree with @VodselForDinner. Sunk costs fallacy, OP. Get out with the kids. Get yourself a lawyer. Then get what you can of the assets.

The house doesn't matter to the kids so don't stress too much if it has to be sold.. they're so little that wherever you are is home.

Don't feel sick and decide to stay. Get legal advice and learn the reality of your situation.

It won't have to be 50:50. So go and find out what it really could be.

Every divorce is different. You can go an see a solicitor before you talk about separation and divorce with him. If you're worried about leaving the kids with him you need a paper trial prior to splitting so he cannot just say you're a vengeful ex - if he crosses any lines report it. You need to strengthen your case for being primary carer for your children as much as you can, as well as safeguarding them.

Financially only a solicitor can advise, however in a short marriage with a clear paper trail of what money you brought in I would have thought you've got a good case to keep it. Assets gained since marriage will be split, this is rarely a straight 50-50. Remember his pension and savings are joint assets, you may not want them but they need to be taken into consideration to give you more chance of keeping the house. The few £100 you might spend to have that first solicitors meeting could save you £10,000s.

Legal advice pronto

There’s a lot of incorrect advice on here. See a solicitor and they will guide you

The longer you stay the closer to 50:50 it will be.

This is aimed at you op, you can't undo what you have done.

But I really don't get how people enter a legal contract and have no idea what they are signing up. More and more I think people should have to prove they got independent legal advice, before they marry.

@Whiskycav Yeah. I mean getting married or choosing to have kids with someone...you do it because you believe these things won't be issues later down the line. And I presumed 5050 but I also wanted to share it all with him, the kids, the house. Naive. Stupid. I posted on here in the hope that ppl might give me a steer about whether it's possible to avoid 5050 on the house given the context.

I should have forseen the legal stuff and protected myself more. I just never knew the man I loved so deeply could be so awful.

Pensions, his savings account, cars, motorbikes etc etc etc everything starts at 50/50. But his pension might be more than the equity in the house if it's good so you might agree he keeps that and you keep the house, all depends how much his pension and savings are.

As for the dc, he won't get sole custody, but not will you. It's in the best interest the dc see you both. You'll be encouraged to sort this either on your own or via a solicitor. If it goes to court the a judge will decide in the children's best interest. It might be 50/50, but you won't 'lose' your dc.

@bigbaggyeyes It's not always in the best interest surely? Depends on the parents.

@AnotherGo

I should have forseen the legal stuff and protected myself more. I just never knew the man I loved so deeply could be so awful.

I am not judging.

My husband turned into a monster 10 years in. Luckily neither had assets going into marriage. My mums 3 marriages taught me what it really meant though.

I just think we need to do more to educate people. I just cant get my head round it.

You have my sympathy.