Am I expecting too much too soon?

[Treioo]

I’m feeling so confused and have no idea if I’m being unfair. Been with new man around 7 months, though we were friends a couple of months before that. We’ve said we love each other. I really do love him and can see a future.

I’m just feeling frustrated with the lack of progress. He’s late 30s and has always said he wants to settle down. We are happy. I raised moving in a few weeks back, not for now but for a few months time. He sort of agreed but didn’t exactly jump at the idea. We see each other a few nights a week and he’s pretty direct and honest about things so I don’t think he’s misleading me.

I’m just irritated this morning. I want our lives to begin together properly. I thought I’d finally met the right one for me and now I’m full of doubt but not sure why? He’s arranged for us to go for a walk and picnic today, my suggestion but he’s sorted it all and offered to prepare the food etc. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much too soon?

I guess I just feel if we are in love, want to be together, why would we wait? Money isn’t a problem for either of us so it would be simple for one to move to the others and not have to rent out their place. So a safety net if it didn’t go well. I don’t know...I’m really annoyed this morning...maybe I’m in self sabotage mode or letting anxiety get the better of me?

Yes, personally I do think you're expecting too much too soon. If my partner suggested moving in together after being together for 5-6 month (you say that you first mentioned it a few weeks ago) I'd feel a bit freaked out. I know some people do, but personally I'd think it was far too early. You barely know each other!

How old are you? What's the big rush?

@StepladderToHeaven I’m mid 30s. I didn’t just find him and think he would do, I love him. I don’t know why we would wait to progress things. He’s even older than I am.

@StepladderToHeaven I didn’t mean to move in now. I suggested it for a few months time.

You’re thing “why wait?” but it makes more sense to think “why not wait?”

Are you planning on having kids? Is that what the rush is all about? If that’s the case you need to talk to him, properly. If not, why are you in such a rush? It’s only been 7 months, that’s no time at all to truly know someone. You’ll still be at the holding in farts around each other stage.

7 months is still quite early on in a relationship. Chill out and enjoy it.

I get you. And no I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. At your age (and his) the earlier stages can be a bit more hurried as you’re adults who know what you’re looking for and don’t really need the dating stage so much to “find your feet”.
Just go on the picnic and suggest you sit down to discuss the future more specifically. What are his concerns about moving in? When is he thinking would be a good time etc… and if you get the feeling he’s dragging his feet then there’s your answer. And move on.

Many of us have loved people within a few months and seen a future but often that has not worked out - I think it is too soon - I'd not want to move in as quickly as that even if I loved someone - it is still early days - too soon I feel to know the relationship will last - yes you are wanting to settle down and have children perhaps but he does not have to be at the same place as you at the same pace as you.
It would bug me to have someone putting pressure on me or wanting to talk after 7 months - if we love each other great but I would want to carry on for at least another 5 months or so - I don't think a year is a long time before moving it.

Well I guess I just think if we want all these things then why wait? He’s going to be 39 in a few weeks. I feel so annoyed about dating like kids! I know that’s really unreasonable but it’s how I feel.

I just want to move in together, renting is fine, we can keep our houses separate even. But having this back and forth to each home all the time...I hate it. Surely at this age we either give it a go or we don’t?

I am probably being a big brat and it’s almos time of the month so maybe it’s that too but I feel too annoyed to even go on this bloody picnic with him! I know I’m being unreasonable there. Just fed up.

@Treioo
You risk coming across as slightly off balance. Whether you mean in a couple of months or not, that would still be less than a year of dating, with presumably 3 months of that in lockdown with limited contact.

You risk something that could be great organically being ruined by your rush to move things on. Is it due to biological clock ticking?

I don’t understand why you’re feeling irritable towards him? You say you don’t want to date this way because of your age but it’s not his fault you are getting older. He has the right to get to know you at the pace he’s comfortable with and if it’s too slow for your liking then you have the right to move on.

@BusyLizzie61 yes I think so :( I feel stressed about it. But I’m not with him because of that. I love him. I’m just so wanting to get on with our lives. It’s soon though and I guess I’m unreasonable

@premium77 yes that’s true. I know. I’m just feeling fed up. All I want is to settle down, I’ve felt that way for a long time. Now I’ve met someone I really have fallen in love with, it all feels very hard to not just move in and be together properly

The first 2 years or so of a new relationship is when people are on their “best behaviour”- hormones rushing, that giddy feeling etc…. Generally after 2 years when the “honeymoon” phase is over and you start to see the “real” person you’re with, is when you REALLY get to know them. Slow down

Act in haste and regret in leisure.

Try to enjoy yourself/relationship and live in the present.

He seems like a nice guy… why not wait a few months as he suggests? If he doesn’t I suppose you can allow end the relationship if your still not happy then

I don’t feel I have two years @NotaCoolMum I’m 36 in a few months?

@Guavafish I know you are right. I’m just so tired of it all. Just want to settle down. I feel so sad.

I understand that urge to "just get on with it" when you start thinking about fertility. But in all honesty, if someone I was dating suggested moving in at 6 months, I wouldn't think well of it - I'd be feeling rushed. And I might think that person was too impulsive.

When you had the chat before, did you make it clear that you're thinking that you both keep your existing properties so there's a fallback option?

Something I've done in the past is to propose a weeks holiday together for around the 9 month mark, and then off the back of that, discuss moving in. I know a weeks holiday I'd never going to be a true reflection of living together, but it will give you a good idea of any compromises that need to be agreed before moving in. EG you don't leave dirty plates sitting on the side, and he won't try "sneaking" a cigarette in the toilet then dumping the butt in the loo 🤮

I get this so totally. I've been married twice and both times we moved in together v quickly and married in around a year or just over.

I have to say I think it's a bad idea. My first marriage was fairly disastrous and though my second was much better and dh was a lovely man, there were so many difficulties. I've since had a couple of years of therapy, basically to prevent myself from doing the same again. I've been with my bf 8 months, we are well past the stage/age of having kids etc and I'm really enjoying dating, but I still do feel the pull and I get it.

Your post to me says you don't see anything but living together as a real relationship in any form. That's a legit view but I don't think he shares it and he sounds great. I would really try to calm down and stop watching the clock. So what if he's 38? He'll be 40 one day and he'll still be great.... I do think it is worth taking your time to get to know someone, not indefinitely but for over a year at least...

I get your frustration op. You love each other, you're happy in the relationship so why doesn't he want to move it to the next level. But him not wanting to move in together doesn't necessarily mean he's not as into the relationship as you. He's just moving at a different speed. As long as you both communicate honestly with each other I would try to just relax and enjoy what you've got.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation no I didn’t get into it much as he was a bit dismissive, sort of said he saw that in the future but he didn’t know when. So I left it. We’d both had a bit to drink.

I’ve dated a lot and had relationships. I know I want to make it work with him. In might in part be my age but I do know I love him. A lot. I just feel frustrated all the time, going on a picnic is nice, sure. But I’d rather be in our home relaxing. I’m so over any sort of romantic dates, I just want mundane shared life. I earn the same as him roughly so there’s nothing tying one to the other if we moved in. I’m just frustrated I guess. I think time of the month is to blame too.

@PermanentTemporary but I’m 36 soon. In a few months. I feel like I don’t have time to wait. That’s NOT the reason I want to be with him specifically. I do love him.

@Treioo
Have you discussed whether he would like children?
If having children is the driving force, have you wondered whether you've made him the one solely for the end goal of a family?
Personally, if it's a child you seek, I'd be pursuing this as its way too early to know whether a fledgling relationship will lead to tgat. How would you feel if you pushed moving in and find you don't have children and are 38 yourself? Or then become a single parent?

@cushioncovers I know it sounds utterly crazy and it IS crazy, but I feel irritated with him as he really has all the time in the world to settle down. He’s only 39. A man.

@BusyLizzie61 he’s always said he wants children. I’m pretty sure about that bit.

Oh god I’m usually such a calm and reasonable woman! I feel like I’m going a bit crazy and sad.

I think your frustration is reasonable - but try not letting the resentment but up. Definitely communicate your feelings and discuss issues like children too. I think if you had a goal duration of when your both happy to move in together you’ll feel a lot happier.

I think, if in a few months time, if it’s not progressed … consider your future in the relationship.

@Guavafish it feels so stressful. I honestly woke up last night in a complete panic thinking I’m nearly 36. What am I doing with someone who isn’t bothered about progressing. Then I feel angry and irritated. Then I feel sad. And so it goes round and round.