Am I expecting too much too soon?

[Treioo]

I’m feeling so confused and have no idea if I’m being unfair. Been with new man around 7 months, though we were friends a couple of months before that. We’ve said we love each other. I really do love him and can see a future.

I’m just feeling frustrated with the lack of progress. He’s late 30s and has always said he wants to settle down. We are happy. I raised moving in a few weeks back, not for now but for a few months time. He sort of agreed but didn’t exactly jump at the idea. We see each other a few nights a week and he’s pretty direct and honest about things so I don’t think he’s misleading me.

I’m just irritated this morning. I want our lives to begin together properly. I thought I’d finally met the right one for me and now I’m full of doubt but not sure why? He’s arranged for us to go for a walk and picnic today, my suggestion but he’s sorted it all and offered to prepare the food etc. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much too soon?

I guess I just feel if we are in love, want to be together, why would we wait? Money isn’t a problem for either of us so it would be simple for one to move to the others and not have to rent out their place. So a safety net if it didn’t go well. I don’t know...I’m really annoyed this morning...maybe I’m in self sabotage mode or letting anxiety get the better of me?

Did you post about this recently under another name, OP? I remember another thread that sounded very similar, and which was similarly obsessed with ‘settling down’ as fast as possible, and feeling ‘real life’ hadn’t begun unless you were living together.

That thread had a lot more contextual information about your state of mind, if so, but yes, I think you’re seriously risking sabotaging what seems like a good relationship by pushing ahead way too fast and —rather than respecting the wish to go slower of a man you say you love — getting irritated that after seven months he doesn’t want to already start planning to live a ‘mundane life’ together.

Frankly, I’d be reconsidering my future with someone who was this irritated by what I wanted.

It would be too rushed for me and would put me off my partner if they insisted (I realise this is not your case) but then I have friends who moved in really early on with their partners and it worked for them. I guess we are all different!

@DoorAjar no that wasn’t me. I’ve just woken up today and feel sad/irritated that we are not together. Travelling again, etc. I hate it. I just want a relationship that everyone else seems to have by this age. I feel sick/upset I’m practically 36

You're trying to rush this relationship forward a few steps because you're panicking about your age and that is a sure fire way to sabotage it.
Are you panicking because you want a baby?
Yes you're nearly 36 and if you want a baby you should try in the next couple of years but you can't rush him for that reason. It's unreasonable and likely to make him run in the other direction.
Chill. Try to chill. 7 months is nothing really. Your relationship is where it needs to be. Enjoy the romantic dates and don't rush to the mundanity.

It’s way too early and I would tell my son to be very careful if his gf wanted to push things so soon at that age. I’d personally worry it wasn’t about him but the want of a big day and baby.
If he’s the one for you then just enjoy dating and getting to know each other properly.

It’s sad your panicking and I feel for you. I think it’s natural when you hit 30 for these feels to occur. But try really hard to not let them overwhelm you and ruin your relationship.

I really think talking to your partner and trying to pin down a moving in time (not the exact date but maybe like before the year kind of agreement) will help your anxiety.

I think you should definitely have a frank discussion about children too

Has he been married or been in a long term relationship before ?

I am with your bf on this. It is very soon to be talking about moving in together in my experience. And it isn't fair to rush someone who isn't ready - in fact it can be counter productive and spoil what could otherwise be a great relationship. That said, I can see the pressure you feel due to wanting to have children.

As some of your rush is down to your age and the need you feel to have children, I think that is where to start with the discussion. What I mean is - say you have a chat about moving in, he agrees, you decide to move in at the 12 months mark if all's still going well. You move in together and then he says he isn't sure he wants children, or that he wants them yet. Or he never wants to get married.

I would take the focus off moving in together, and have some conversations about views on marriage and babies, to make sure you are both on the same page. Although that it a heavy chat at the 7 month mark, it's sensible given it's such a big concern to you. You don't want to focus on moving in to find out in a year, or 2 years time, that he doesn't want to marry / have DC.

@Guavafish I’m not 30, I’m nearly 36. I’m sad as I just feel overwhelmed with panic sometimes and it’s hard to control. I’ve even cried this morning! Pathetic hey.

@MrsMaizel not married but had relationships. He’s said he’s never felt this way though. I’m cynical so take that with a pinch of salt!

@layladomino he’s said he wants marriage and children. I’m not bothered about marriage personally. I’d like to be married but at this point I’ve given up on that and genuinely don’t care about it. Financially I wouldn’t need to be and I can’t be bothered worrying about that as well as this. I’m just so fed up and not sure I can sit in a park calmly when in this state, no doubt surrounded by families again

Can you start looking into having kids alone? Would knowing what your options are help take the pressure off this new relationship?

@tbtf if I did that I’m not sure we’d stay together? Wouldn’t he just wonder why I was doing it alone?

I hear ya OP. I’m 37 and in a new relationship. After 6 months I would want to be having the moving in convo. Yes, it’s quick but as you say we don’t have time to mess around & at our age we know (or should know) what we want.

However, I get the feeling your testing your bf’s commitment which could be sabotaging. He said he sees it in your future which is great. I would go down that angle when you speak with him… what does that mean to him? Months or years. Don’t corner him into being specific or sulk if it’s not the answer you want. Accept it and decide what’s best for you after that convo. If you’re not on the same page then I would seriously consider if it’s the relationship for you.

@ThePurplePalace in the brief chat we had he sort of vaguely said he would think about that stuff after a year or so. That’s fine for him isn’t it, he will only be 40 then. As a man there’s no problem. It feels so cruel. I know I am sounding bratty and ridiculous and crazy. But I feel angry and cross and resentful towards him and I can’t help it. I love this man too, he makes my day light up. He said I am th highlight of his week. We are happy. Yet here I am feeling sick with anxiety.

So it's about having children. I get it and its completely understandable you are reacting this way.

First thing first, breath! your anxiety is spiralling which is not going to to help in anyway.

Second thing, take control of your own fertility. In your shoes I'd start looking into plan B to take the pressure off Plan A. Have you considered getting your eggs frozen, so not matter what happens children are still an option. This might settle the biological clock part of your brain down a little and take the pressure off.

Third, take a mental health day. Tell him you've got a banging headache and take a day to yourself to let your feelings settle. Going on the trip today might lead you into a negative situation and a row, which will only make you feel worse. Take a time out and regroup your thinking.

Finally, give the poor guy some breathing space! he's obviously moving at a different pace to you. His feelings are just as important as yours if you are going to make this work. Don't blow it by only looking at it on paper and not considering his emotional perspective.

What you are feeling is normal, its what you do next that you need to get under control.

[quote Treioo]@ThePurplePalace in the brief chat we had he sort of vaguely said he would think about that stuff after a year or so. That’s fine for him isn’t it, he will only be 40 then. As a man there’s no problem. It feels so cruel. I know I am sounding bratty and ridiculous and crazy. But I feel angry and cross and resentful towards him and I can’t help it. I love this man too, he makes my day light up. He said I am th highlight of his week. We are happy. Yet here I am feeling sick with anxiety.[/quote]
I have felt the same and tbh, at certain times of the month it’s impossible to ignore the self built pressure and panic to just get on with it. He will have no idea how that feels.

I don’t think a year is out of the question if you can enjoy this time together & establish yourself as a couple before settling down. He sounds committed and a good egg. I also resent men for their freedom to choose into their seventies! It’s so cruel.

I would consider cancelling today’s picnic if you’re still feeling wobbly. I think the last thing you want it an argument or to push him away.

I can tell how frustrated and sad you are op, but I have to say that I would be very surprised if a bf raised living together after just seven months. To be honest, it would make me feel rushed and under pressure. I would worry that they were trying to shoehorn me into their dream of what an ideal life should look like.

I would caution any of my adult children against feeling bounced into such a decision.

After seven months, you don't know each other well enough. You think you do but you don't. I have known so many 'madly in love' couples fall apart at about a year, I wouldn't entertain cohabiting until after that myself. How awful to combine lives only to separate them again a few months later.

I realise your urgency but you can't make people feel the same way you do. He now knows how you see your future unfolding and I guess he's got a decision to make, maybe a little earlier than he wanted to.

Try to relax and enjoy the journey. If it happens in good time then you have the rest of your lives together. If he doesn't see it happening, you'll move on.

Thanks @PinkyPunkyHairdoo I just don’t know how. It’s no exaggeration to say I wake in the night and cry for an hour or two. It’s even happened at his house and I’ve had to go to the bathroom and say I feel unwell. It’s crazy as it’s the total opposite to how I am with my life in general. I’m very independent and financially secure and don’t need anyone. But I feel overwhelming panic about this. I’ve done the things you suggest in terms of looking into options but I don’t want to do it alone. I know I could but it’s not what I want. I just feel desolately sad. I can’t describe the feeling it’s just awful.

@Treioo I'm not saying book yourself in for insemination tomorrow, just research it. Clinics, time it takes from registering your interest, affordability, decide if it's something you'd want to do.

If you knew you could have kids with or without this new guy would it give you a few more months of dating rather than rushing?

Then put a mental line in the sand? Say you want to be pregnant at 37, you'll need to have another talk with BF at 36.5, then you've got 6 months to decide as a couple if you're going to do it together or not.

Think of it as getting your future back into the control of your own hands, wouldn't that be liberating?

@ThePurplePalace do you think being 36 and moving in then is getting late? That’s what I keep seeing, this birthday ahead of me. It makes me feel sick.

Haven’t you posted this before? It’s identical to another recent thread, even ages and timing.

Will you feel better or worse if he feels sufficiently pressured to end things, and you have to start looking for someone else?

I know it's easier said than done, but I really think you must at least pretend to be patient and rational as this is shaping up as a disastrous self-fulfilling prophecy.

@Treioo

I don’t feel I have two years *@NotaCoolMum* I’m 36 in a few months?

@Guavafish I know you are right. I’m just so tired of it all. Just want to settle down. I feel so sad.

I’m sure it’s not the case here, but just taking these comments alone scream DESPERATE

SOME whirlwind relationships turn out to be a complete and utter disaster

You like him, he’s ticking all the boxes, but it’s still only a few months in and you don’t know him

Sure it’s looking positive, but he’s not appearing to be exactly on the same page as you at this moment in time.

Which bodes well actually because if he were as hell for leather as you he could be love bombing you a
With a view to getting you on the hook before changing back to who he really is and destroying you.

So, take time, get to know him. Don’t even consider this a serious relationship until it’s past the year mark and enjoy what you have together

What is his relationship history? How come he’s single at 40?

[quote tbtf]@Treioo I'm not saying book yourself in for insemination tomorrow, just research it. Clinics, time it takes from registering your interest, affordability, decide if it's something you'd want to do.

If you knew you could have kids with or without this new guy would it give you a few more months of dating rather than rushing?

Then put a mental line in the sand? Say you want to be pregnant at 37, you'll need to have another talk with BF at 36.5, then you've got 6 months to decide as a couple if you're going to do it together or not.

Think of it as getting your future back into the control of your own hands, wouldn't that be liberating?[/quote]
@tbtf what do I do, say I want to start trying in a year, then if it gets to that and he’s reluctant, just end it? It feels like I’d giving a horrible ultimatum. And also feels like I would be being very pressured with him. I just don’t know what to do. I feel genuinely scared. It’s so horrible.