Am I expecting too much too soon?

[Treioo]

I’m feeling so confused and have no idea if I’m being unfair. Been with new man around 7 months, though we were friends a couple of months before that. We’ve said we love each other. I really do love him and can see a future.

I’m just feeling frustrated with the lack of progress. He’s late 30s and has always said he wants to settle down. We are happy. I raised moving in a few weeks back, not for now but for a few months time. He sort of agreed but didn’t exactly jump at the idea. We see each other a few nights a week and he’s pretty direct and honest about things so I don’t think he’s misleading me.

I’m just irritated this morning. I want our lives to begin together properly. I thought I’d finally met the right one for me and now I’m full of doubt but not sure why? He’s arranged for us to go for a walk and picnic today, my suggestion but he’s sorted it all and offered to prepare the food etc. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much too soon?

I guess I just feel if we are in love, want to be together, why would we wait? Money isn’t a problem for either of us so it would be simple for one to move to the others and not have to rent out their place. So a safety net if it didn’t go well. I don’t know...I’m really annoyed this morning...maybe I’m in self sabotage mode or letting anxiety get the better of me?

Lovely, you’re not playing a game here, long or otherwise

You’re starting out on a journey with this man, and all the signs are that it’s going somewhere great.

Relax, breathe, you know you’re a good person and happily he knows this too, to take each day as it comes, be hopeful and optimistic about the future but don’t force it. You have time. He’s got time and he’s very sensibly taking this at a pace he’s comfortable with

You need the mini break, you need the holiday, you need to see who he is in more normal circumstances.

As he also needs this from you.

This time next year will be a completely different world (or I bloody well hope it will be) and you both can start making more determined strides forward

You have time :)

He’s doing and saying all the right things, you’re a lovely person and you need to believe he knows this too.

Take a deep breath and let this angst go. It’s irrational and unfounded I think.

And yes it could be hormones.

Thinking of you, hope you have a wonderful picnic.

Enjoy!

@Wondergirl100

I was definitely talking about moving in with my DH within a few months - sorry but people here are being unreasonable. What matters is your feelings here - by my 30s and being in love and thinking I'd met 'the one' - I had no interest in 'being patient or waiting etc. I wanted to get on with my life settling down with the person I loved.

Well, his feelings matter too.

Gosh, just read this thread. I do feel for you OP but please.....slowwwwwwwww downnnnnnnn. This poor guy is going to get it in the neck with your anger and anxiety. Get some help with the way you feel first. You need to start enjoying the early stages of this relationship and it is early stages. You dont know each other at all yet and you want moving in and babies being organised. I would personally run for the hills (and have done) when the partner starts pushing their own agendas because of their anxiety. I really hope it works for you but just give the bloke a chance to get to know you and let him figure out if you are the one for him.

Hmmmm are you using this guy as a sperm donor ?

I've been with my dp now for 16 months. I spend half the week at his, and half at mine. It works fine and I'm not sure that I want to change things. The idea of having to do his washing, cleaning his place as well as mine, the routine drudgery of life? That's not a turn on for me. No hurry - just enjoy the fun side. Walks, picnics, dates, holidays etc.

OP, you need some counselling to deal with the fear and anger or you will absolutely wreck this relationship.

Please do this! In your haste to get what you want you’re dismissing his feelings. It’s not his fault that his biological clock isn’t in sync with yours. I would advise him not to even contemplate moving in with you or having a baby with someone who is in your state of mind.

@Wondergirl100

I was definitely talking about moving in with my DH within a few months - sorry but people here are being unreasonable. What matters is your feelings here - by my 30s and being in love and thinking I'd met 'the one' - I had no interest in 'being patient or waiting etc. I wanted to get on with my life settling down with the person I loved.

And was he equally happy to move at your pace? Or did you bind and gag him and carry him off to your cave? Either way I hoped it worked out.

The point is that the OP’s man seems to be keen, in love, but moving a little slower, as many of us have said we prefer to do.

So the OP has a choice: carry on enjoying this relationship for another few months before taking stock, or Dutch it now and risk throwing out baby with Bath water.

I have had 2 live in relationships with The One at about 6 months. Both turned out to be very much not The One.

You are in a relationship with what sounds like a lovely guy who obviously is happy with you. He is just not at exactly the same place as you are regarding moving in together timeframe. He said he wants to just isnt seemingly as keen to do it as soon as you. I agree with the majority of pp’s. 7 months really isn’t a huge amount of time to be together esp throwing lockdown into the mix. He obviously wants to take his time and make sure he gets it right, which is 100% his right. I get the ‘let’s just get on with it if we love each’other point of view, but not everyone finds the throwing caution to the wind mindset works for them
The waking up in the night and hiding in his bathroom to cry seems very dramatic, as does this continuing resentment you frequently mention and not feeling like going on the picnic despite the effort he’s putting in. I think unless you reign it in you run a very real risk of him backing away even further ( maybe even rethinking your relationship completely) because he’s going to pick up on your chippy attitude. Take a step back, enjoy your time with him there’s nothing you can do to hurry him along .

Well, his feelings matter too.

You must be new here

DoorAjar there are threads similar to this all the time on MN and the advice is always the same calm down and don’t go all desperate and crazy which is what the op is on the verge of. This is what happened to my SIL, she would not heed any advice even though she asked . She was pressurising any date she got after about four weeks to settle down and have children as soon as she hit her later thirties.

I had a BF at University who pressurised me to move in with him when we had been together almost a year. He offered to pay for everything, he was graduating with his PhD a year before me and had landed a great job. He also started crying when I said no thanks. I finished with him, he guilt tripped me in to a further six months but after that I just had enough. He was a lovely guy but so needy. We were both late twenties.

@Auntienumber8

DoorAjar there are threads similar to this all the time on MN and the advice is always the same calm down and don’t go all desperate and crazy which is what the op is on the verge of. This is what happened to my SIL, she would not heed any advice even though she asked . She was pressurising any date she got after about four weeks to settle down and have children as soon as she hit her later thirties.

I had a BF at University who pressurised me to move in with him when we had been together almost a year. He offered to pay for everything, he was graduating with his PhD a year before me and had landed a great job. He also started crying when I said no thanks. I finished with him, he guilt tripped me in to a further six months but after that I just had enough. He was a lovely guy but so needy. We were both late twenties.

There are, it was just that the one I’m thinking of, it which I can’t find, was so strikingly similar — the ages, the length of the relationship, being financially comfortable, the fact they’d recently said they loved one another, the OP continually saying she wanted to ‘settle down’ and didn’t want romance and dates and new relationship stuff, she wanted to fast forward to them having lived together for ages and having had children, or she wanted a time machine where all that stuff had happened years earlier.

I think the other thread was couched in terms of envying her sister, who’d been with the same partner for a decade and had just got engaged.

I normally think it’s bad form to pull up another thread if someone’s NC, but the OP’s in that thread desire to rejig her life so she’d had all the milestones of ‘settling down’ years earlier was so extreme it suggested it was capable of ruining a good relationship.

He does sound lovely OP! Enjoy your picnic

Definitely go for a holiday somewhere for at least four or five days. This is when I learned all my DPs worst traits

Deciding on a timeframe doesn’t have to mean setting an unreasonable ultimatum- it just really means having a boundary for yourself. My DP was still married when we met, although he’d been separated for over 5 years - there were practical reasons it had taken ages (inherited properties, a shared business) but also emotional ones. I used to get quite stressed and upset about it but we had a conversation about it in which I set no ultimatum or timeframe, didn’t get overly serious, just made it clear in simple terms what I would be expecting from a long term relationship. I then set a timeframe in my mind, and made a decision that at that point I would be prepared to move on if necessary. It wasn’t, fortunately, but having it clear in my mind - and having communicated my feelings to him in a matter of fact way - really alleviated my anxiety about it.

maybe I’m in self sabotage mode or letting anxiety get the better of me

I am probably being a big brat and it’s almost time of the month

I’m just feeling fed up

I’m just frustrated I guess. I think time of the month is to blame too

So many ways of dismissing the fact that this relationship isn't going the way you want, that your partner is not on the same page as you, that he's been dismissive of this strong need in you.

Oh god I’m usually such a calm and reasonable woman! I feel like I’m going a bit crazy and sad

He is dismissing your need to settle down, and so are you. It makes you feel nuts when you deny your own feelings.

It's not about 'expecting too much too soon'. Who do you think gets to make the rules about what you should expect, and when you should expect it?

It's about finding a partner who thinks and feels the same way as you, or, at the very least, respects the way you feel, and gives your needs due thought and consideration.

Dillon.

Hi op, I was in the exact same position as you. I didn’t do it at the time but look into a fertility check to see if you look good for your age ( mine was diminished) and look at freezing your eggs.
I also asked my bf the timescale for kids and it was 6 years! I quickly explained mine which was ASAP. I said if he saw a future with me I didn’t have the same luxury of time. He didn’t understand that and when he did we began ttc. We had a baby that year, married after that. I had a lot of losses after due to age. Wishing I had younger frozen eggs !

I'm just a year older than your age and no chance I would move in with a guy after a short time like this. In fact I wouldn't move in with anyone unless I was serious about actually marrying them and it was a proper established relationship. You have a lot more to find out about this guy, and as someone upthread said:

But in all honesty, if someone I was dating suggested moving in at 6 months, I wouldn't think well of it - I'd be feeling rushed. And I might think that person was too impulsive.

You need proper conversations and if he refuses to have them in the future then you have a decision to make if you think he is wasting your time. And tell him why you are chucking him if you decide to. Don't waste your fertile years hanging on for him to make a decision.

You sound desperate ... and seven months is nothing (esp in Covid times), as others have said, just slow down, enjoy your relationship without constantly thinking about 'the next step.

I was 4 months pregnant at 7 months together
If you're both on the same page I think its fine to move at a fast pace,a lot of people do mid 30s and above I find.I think he wants to move slower than you though which you will have to accept

@TheFoundations

maybe I’m in self sabotage mode or letting anxiety get the better of me

I am probably being a big brat and it’s almost time of the month

I’m just feeling fed up

I’m just frustrated I guess. I think time of the month is to blame too

So many ways of dismissing the fact that this relationship isn't going the way you want, that your partner is not on the same page as you, that he's been dismissive of this strong need in you.

Oh god I’m usually such a calm and reasonable woman! I feel like I’m going a bit crazy and sad

He is dismissing your need to settle down, and so are you. It makes you feel nuts when you deny your own feelings.

It's not about 'expecting too much too soon'. Who do you think gets to make the rules about what you should expect, and when you should expect it?

It's about finding a partner who thinks and feels the same way as you, or, at the very least, respects the way you feel, and gives your needs due thought and consideration.

It doesn’t sound as if he’s ‘dismissing’ anything. He’s simply understandably not enthused that his girlfriend of a mere seven months is already scheduling moving in together in a few months and visibly irritated at him not sharing her timetable.

She’s not unreasonable to want what she wants, of course, but neither is he not to feel railroaded into another person’s idea of ‘progress’, especially when it’s still a new relationship. In his shoes, it would raise all kinds of red flags for me that someone who professed to love me couldn’t see beyond their own wishes.

The issue has, nonetheless, been dismissed, otherwise it wouldn't feel unresolved.

He is dismissing your need to settle down, and so are you. It makes you feel nuts when you deny your own feelings.

I think her feelings are coming from a place of massive insecurity and possibly a need to control. Not exactly the foundations for a healthy, long-term relationship.

I think you need to seek counselling. You sound as though you need support to cope with your overwhelming emotions. If I was with someone 6 or 7 months and they suggested moving in I'd run for the hills. I appreciate that you're 36 but you haven't made any commitments at 6-7 months it would be quite early for most people.

I understand his point of view, possibly because I thought I would spend the rest of my life with someone and then they hurt me.

Time, patience and enjoying the moments. That's what is important at the moment. You still have time to create a family. Spending a few more months in a happy bubble and figuring out if you are right for each other, is worth the wait I think.