Am I expecting too much too soon?

[Treioo]

I’m feeling so confused and have no idea if I’m being unfair. Been with new man around 7 months, though we were friends a couple of months before that. We’ve said we love each other. I really do love him and can see a future.

I’m just feeling frustrated with the lack of progress. He’s late 30s and has always said he wants to settle down. We are happy. I raised moving in a few weeks back, not for now but for a few months time. He sort of agreed but didn’t exactly jump at the idea. We see each other a few nights a week and he’s pretty direct and honest about things so I don’t think he’s misleading me.

I’m just irritated this morning. I want our lives to begin together properly. I thought I’d finally met the right one for me and now I’m full of doubt but not sure why? He’s arranged for us to go for a walk and picnic today, my suggestion but he’s sorted it all and offered to prepare the food etc. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much too soon?

I guess I just feel if we are in love, want to be together, why would we wait? Money isn’t a problem for either of us so it would be simple for one to move to the others and not have to rent out their place. So a safety net if it didn’t go well. I don’t know...I’m really annoyed this morning...maybe I’m in self sabotage mode or letting anxiety get the better of me?

[quote Treioo]@ThePurplePalace do you think being 36 and moving in then is getting late? That’s what I keep seeing, this birthday ahead of me. It makes me feel sick.[/quote]
It doesn't matter whether it's late or not.

He feels it is too early, as is his right. There is nothing about this situation that you can change unless you want to end it and find someone equally keen to start an immediate family.

@fourminutestosavetheworld

Will you feel better or worse if he feels sufficiently pressured to end things, and you have to start looking for someone else?

I know it's easier said than done, but I really think you must at least pretend to be patient and rational as this is shaping up as a disastrous self-fulfilling prophecy.

@fourminutestosavetheworld I’m not sure. I think I would panic as I would have to start again from scratch. I would also really feel sad not to be with him as he’s the best person I’ve met romantically. I want it to work with him. Now you’ve said that it’s made me see what I do have, someone who wants me and and us...a good starting point even if it’s not everything I want just yet

@MzHz he’s not 40 yet. Almost. His fiancé ended the relationship four years ago and he said he just hasn’t found anyone since until me.

@Bluntness100 no I haven’t posted. I set up a whole account just for this! Woke up today feeling horrendous about it all.

[quote Treioo]@ThePurplePalace do you think being 36 and moving in then is getting late? That’s what I keep seeing, this birthday ahead of me. It makes me feel sick.[/quote]
No, not too late at all. Better you spend this time together & really getting to know each other. You talk about moving in together but really it’s the whole deal isn’t it? Starting a family and you do need to have a solid foundation for that to genuinely work rather than him being a glorified sperm donor.

I did find having a fertility test calmed me down quite a bit. I had good results but if I had bad I planned to speak to my new partner & say we need to get on with it or I need to look at other options. Knowledge is power!

maybe I’m in self sabotage mode or letting anxiety get the better of me?

Yes. I think this is the case.

Relax, it’s all good and if you’re going to be together, it’ll work itself out at a pace both are happy with.

You DO have time. So use it wisely to get to know each other

Go on holiday together, do Christmas etc together. This way you’ll gather all the useful data on each other rather than play to the hormones and rush of blood to the head etc

"He's not 40 yet. Almost. His fiancé ended the relationship four years ago and he said he just hasn’t found anyone since until me."

Something like this would make anyone wary. He loved her and thought she loved him. He wanted to marry her and spend his life with her. After several years, and knowing her very well, she hurt him and it ended. I think it's understandable that he wants to make sure it's right this time. I think that's a good thing. When it happens, you'll know he's all in and completely sure. It's great that you've found each other.

[quote Treioo]@MzHz he’s not 40 yet. Almost. His fiancé ended the relationship four years ago and he said he just hasn’t found anyone since until me.[/quote]
So he’s not 40 yet but your 36 in a couple of months

Do you see the difference in how you’re viewing things? You’re allowing him not to be 40 yet - when it’s coming up, but you’re panicking because you’re 36 soon.

You have someone who’s interested

He’s clearly been hurt and disappointed in the past so doesn’t want to rush things in case it blows up in his face again.

My other comments remain valid, get to know each other, do normal stuff together like holidays and DIY etc.

Bumble along with each other.

Your picnic sounds lovely too btw - he’s sorted all that out! That’s a really lovely and loving thing to do!

So enjoy the efforts he’s making to let you know how special you are to him and don’t be too hasty in moving too fast.

I think this sounds a really promising relationship and could very well go the distance, but you have to stop over thinking things.

(((Hug)))

Thanks @MzHz

I’ve been let down by people in the past and I think I’m just wary of being messed about. As crazy as I sound here (and I know I’m not being particularly rational), I am a good person, caring, loving, understanding. I have been good to him and shown him this. It is very hard to hold my emotions in when I just think how long do we now have to test things out before we actually move towards or it ends. I just feel shit about it all. It’s time of the month tomorrow and I’m sure that has something to do with it as I feel very fragile today.

say I want to start trying in a year, then if it gets to that and he’s reluctant, just end it

Do you want him or a baby? If you’re willing to end it because he won’t give into your wants then better to end it now and let him find someone who wants him for who he is alone rather than what he can provide.

Just be careful OP, without realising it you are probably giving off some bad vibes with regards to the moving in issue. On the grand scheme of things 7 months is no time and appearing to hurry him along will not come across well. I get your frustration but just because you see everything as perfect and therefore why wait he is still thinking 'I really like her and if things are still great in 6 months time we should move in together'. He has organised a nice, picnic, go and enjoy it and have an awesome afternoon, do not feel tempted to start asking 'when are we moving in' questions.

Give yourself a time limit. It's a little too early to be moving in together, I agree, and I'm the same age as you, with the same worries. For example, if by 14 months, he's not even the entertaining the idea, I think you have every right to walk away. Don't pressure him, just bring it up naturally every now and then.

Do you want him or a baby?

Good question!

@DillonPanthersTexas I want him, I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t. I have dated a lot. Was overwhelmed when I met him and still am. He’s everything I wanted. Not perfect but I don’t want perfect. I’m very happy with him. I’d stay with him regardless of whether he could have children. But I do want to feel we are progressing and it doesn’t feel that way at the moment, it’s just lots of nice dates and stay overs.

OP: you cannot force or speed up the progression of a relationship, only the end of one.

He’s been dumped by a fiancée, so he is understandably cautious about being messed around just like you are.

Your panic about being 35 ( you are 35…) is quite frankly OTT.

You are currently in the process of sabotaging what sounds like a lovely, lovely relationship. and your behaviour towards what sounds a lovely picnic is irrational.

7 months is way way to early to move in and make babies unless you are both equally impetuous, or panicked. In which case you would both be taking a big risk.

The first part of your relationship was in lockdown, you haven’t even had much ‘normal life’ together.

And the ‘fertility off a cliff’ thing is outdated.

What about suggesting a holiday together as your next move?

@MarianneUnfaithful thanks. Yeah we have booked a mini break. I just feel so stressed. Thanks for your post, it’s shaken me up a bit. I know I need to calm down. Hopefully I can do that before later today.

If you love him and want a future you need to stop framing situations as him vs you. You love each other and want the same things. There isn't a conflict. There will be if you fail to enjoy the relationship and seek to drive him to commitments he is not ready for. Have you got projects (work, hobbies, relationships) you can throw some of your drive behind. Progress as a human being is a good goal, but babies and living together is just one manifestation.

I understand that as we get get older it's normal or worry about fertility (if that's what is concerning you). However, 7 months is not long at all. Of course people can move in together after a week, get married and be together 30 years later. However, realistically it's useful to properly get to know one another before moving in. I know you want to 'get on with your life' but dating and getting to know one another isn't wasting time, I would try and slow down a bit. Also if you're getting annoyed by him now, it'll probably be worse if you rush moving in with one another.

I also think that for 7 months in your relationship is progressing in a perfectly reasonable way. You can't push someone to rush a relationship, relationships take time to nurture and grow. That can't be forced.

[quote Treioo]@MarianneUnfaithful thanks. Yeah we have booked a mini break. I just feel so stressed. Thanks for your post, it’s shaken me up a bit. I know I need to calm down. Hopefully I can do that before later today.[/quote]
Good luck OP, and I hope you have a lovely day today.

I didn’t want to be horrible, but to give a ‘no rise tint’ honest POV

Hi Op,

You've received lots of good and useful advice. I think the problem is because you don't want to do it alone, and effectively aren't prioritising having a child before a relationship, you're are giving up agency to a degree and are reliant on this man and the relationship to make having family come true. This is simply a trade off for not wanting to do it alone.

Of course it may also come together at the 11th hour and you live happily ever after, but there is a risk that the relationship may not work out and you are back at square one in a couple of years, even more panicked and stressed

I was in your position aged 37/38 and was at the time in a somewhat volatile relationship, but the 'feelings' were there. However after 18 months of feeling stressed, panicked and anxious whether the relationship would progress or not, we both realised we were at different life stages. I went on to do IVF with a sperm donor aged 39 and am currently pregnant (18 weeks) and have been extremely fortunate that everything so far has been going well (including having several embryos in the freezer). Fertility is unpredictable and you simply don't know how this journey will work out for you. It can be straightforward or it may require a number of interventions. For the record, men's fertility does decline and research suggests that a 1/3 of fertility cases are due to male fertility factor.

I am very happy with my decision and I no longer feel that dread regarding missing out on motherhood. Pushing a relationship forward because time isn't on your side is unfair, although I do understand your position.

I second getting preliminary fertility checks done so you at least know where you stand (they won't be able to tell you everything, but it's a good screening tool).

Good luck with your decision!

@MarianneUnfaithful thanks. He’s text me a really lovely message this morning saying he’s excited to see me and he’s bought my favourite food etc. Wish I was better at playing the longer game rather than the panic and fear setting in

OP, you need some counselling to deal with the fear and anger or you will absolutely wreck this relationship — these emotions are your problem, for you to deal with. Flip it around and think about whether you would want to be in a relationship with someone who said he loved you but was continually angry with you for not seeing the relationship’s progression the way he did. Imagine he was permanently angry with you because of your rushing things?

I was definitely talking about moving in with my DH within a few months - sorry but people here are being unreasonable. What matters is your feelings here - by my 30s and being in love and thinking I'd met 'the one' - I had no interest in 'being patient or waiting etc. I wanted to get on with my life settling down with the person I loved.