Am I expecting too much too soon?

[Treioo]

I’m feeling so confused and have no idea if I’m being unfair. Been with new man around 7 months, though we were friends a couple of months before that. We’ve said we love each other. I really do love him and can see a future.

I’m just feeling frustrated with the lack of progress. He’s late 30s and has always said he wants to settle down. We are happy. I raised moving in a few weeks back, not for now but for a few months time. He sort of agreed but didn’t exactly jump at the idea. We see each other a few nights a week and he’s pretty direct and honest about things so I don’t think he’s misleading me.

I’m just irritated this morning. I want our lives to begin together properly. I thought I’d finally met the right one for me and now I’m full of doubt but not sure why? He’s arranged for us to go for a walk and picnic today, my suggestion but he’s sorted it all and offered to prepare the food etc. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much too soon?

I guess I just feel if we are in love, want to be together, why would we wait? Money isn’t a problem for either of us so it would be simple for one to move to the others and not have to rent out their place. So a safety net if it didn’t go well. I don’t know...I’m really annoyed this morning...maybe I’m in self sabotage mode or letting anxiety get the better of me?

@TheFoundations

The issue has, nonetheless, been dismissed, otherwise it wouldn't feel unresolved.

I think the OP feels it's 'unresolved' because her boyfriend doesn't feel the same impatience she does to 'settle down' and 'stop dating like kids', and didn't display unalloyed enthusiasm when she wanted him to commit to moving in together in a few months time. It's not dismissive to not want to operate according to someone else's schedule, when that schedule wants you to commit to cohabiting in future when you've only been together 7 months.

It's not dismissive to not want to operate according to someone else's schedule

No, you're right, it's not, but that's not the dismissive bit. The dismissive bit is the bit where OP feels that her needs have been dismissed (which is the entire point of her posting here), and he's fine with that. If he was bothered about her feelings, he'd be saying 'Let's find a compromise; how about we talk about it again in 6 months?' or 'I don't want to move in with someone until I've been in a relationship with them for x amount of time', rather than a wishy washy 'Yeah, sounds good probably maybe one day'.

This is all assuming that OP has clearly communicated her feelings to him of course, which is an assumption I'm making. Have you told him calmly how you feel, @Treioo?

@TheFoundations

It's not dismissive to not want to operate according to someone else's schedule

No, you're right, it's not, but that's not the dismissive bit. The dismissive bit is the bit where OP feels that her needs have been dismissed (which is the entire point of her posting here), and he's fine with that. If he was bothered about her feelings, he'd be saying 'Let's find a compromise; how about we talk about it again in 6 months?' or 'I don't want to move in with someone until I've been in a relationship with them for x amount of time', rather than a wishy washy 'Yeah, sounds good probably maybe one day'.

This is all assuming that OP has clearly communicated her feelings to him of course, which is an assumption I'm making. Have you told him calmly how you feel, @Treioo?

Well, one of the things that struck me in the OP's posts is that she seems to be dismissing her own feelings quite often, twice saying she's pre-menstrual and 'probably being a big brat', so perhaps she hasn't communicated what she wants clearly?

What also strikes me is her self-confessed irritation and impatience about the pace of their relationship, which might also be colouring the way in which she's communicating about her wishes. It sounds as if its perfectly possible she went on the picnic he'd organised at her suggestion in a pother of ill-concealed annoyance because she says she'd rather 'be in our home relaxing', she feels 'so frustrated all the time', as she's 'so over any sort of romantic dates', she wants 'mundane shared life'.

To be honest, regardless of whether she's communicated clearly what she wants and I am absolutely in favour of women expressing exactly what they want without apologising for it I think in his shoes I'd be reconsidering whether I really saw a future with someone who (1) appeared to be in a permanent state of irritation and frustration about the state of our relationship, and (2) who wanted to fast-forward past all the fun, romantic stuff of a new relationship to just sit at home in a shared house. Personally, I like the fun, romantic early stages stuff, and I would be turned off by someone who was visibly not into it and found it a waste of their time.

I genuinely don't mean that spitefully. I would also worry in his position about whether, the second he and the OP moved in together, her irritation and impatience would simply switch over to having a baby asap.

The fact is, this is still a new relationship. Both of the people in it are still 'auditioning' one another as to whether they want to commit to something longterm together. The OP is (understandably) focused on whether he'll fit in with her plans, but she needs to bear in mind that the reverse is also true.

Would most people find it attractive that their boyfriend/girlfriend went on a picnic with them visibly concealing their impatience with the whole enterprise because they didn't want to see a picnic hamper, they wanted to see a removal van and shared electricity bills?