DP who won’t compromise on anything!

[roarrlikeadinosaur]

Wondering if anyone else has this problem.

DP is lovely, kind and generous but without even realising he sort of dictates how life goes and I have to go along.

These examples are petty but things like decor - his house is done to his taste - pets (doesn’t like cats or dogs so that’s that) and when buying a house it just has to have the things he wants.

He doesn’t demand this in a bullish way or anything but it does leave me feeling a bit like I’m not living my best life to use an Instagram phrase!

Sorry op but you ‘d’p sounds to be quite abusive in a very passive aggressive way. He’s so subtle you don’t even register it.

It’s ok for him to have a tick-list of things he’d like in a new home, but he has to understand that it’s your home too. He doesn’t get to choose everything.

I moved in with my DH before we married, he has encouraged me to decorate, pick new carpets, plant up the garden, buy furniture and bedding etc. Please remember, it’s your home too. Gently remind him of that because he sure has forgotten.

You think you are in a good relationship, make him show you it’s a good relationship. Because as an outsider looking in, you don’t sound loved or appreciated, you sound like the staff.

But, of he wins in every small thing...what happens when it comes to big things?

When do you get your choice?

If it's going to take a long time to find the right house /for him to come round to realising that he may have to compromise to find somewhere in budget, what about putting you on the deeds and mortgage of the current house so it is yours together, not his alone

A therapist told me 'all of human interaction is compromise somewhere or other'.

Is he any better at compromising when it comes to jointly parenting your son? I ask because sometimes a decision about decor or buying a particular property can feel like a massive decision /commitment, and can be quite scary, whereas 'my turn to do bathtime tonight, you did it last night' is not a scary decision.

I'm not sure what you were looking for when you posted?

I had a partner like yours once. A ‘my way or the highway’ man. He was charming and could also be very generous and kind.

But the insidious and overriding insistence that his wants, needs and preferences came above mine - even when this was done in a subtle way - made me loathe him in the end. I lived in his flat that he chose, that was decorated to his taste and where it was convenient for ^^him to be for work.

My suggestions regarding decor, holidays, weekend itineraries were quietly but consistently dampened by his preferences. This spilled on to much bigger issues. He was a controlling man but was so ‘nice’ and plausible at the same time. I questioned whether it was me being unreasonable or him simply being irritating.

I left him. Eventually. I then assumed blissful control of my life and met someone who can compromise and the big and the small stuff. My current partner shows me what being an equal in a relationship looks like and I recognise that my previous partner was a controlling man. The resentment would have devoured me.

I suspect you have your suspicions about your own partner’s peccadilloes- hence you starting this thread. I know it’s very uncomfortable to confront the idea that someone you’re committed to can behave in a way beyond being irritating. I just hope some of these stories chime with you and you can put yourself in the driver’s seat of your own life where your needs and wants are prioritised. It’s a much more comfortable ride…

I kind of understand but also think you pussy foot around too much.

When I moved into my dh's house I redecorated. I just said 'that couch is shit, we need a new one'.

House hunting, just say we need to move by X date, short list houses you like and get on with it. I'm not living here forever. The end.

So it's not a helpful thread because you don't like the answers?

Are you happy to live your life never getting to make any decisions at all?

So what are the big decisions where you're getting what you want?

Just so you know OP , I don’t think he’s abusive either, just fixed in ideas and not a compromiser. All I will say is it does get wearing so I think you need to be firm now and say things like ‘no, I like this house, I would like us to look at it’ . In the past I would have just let him have his way and silently seethed. All I will say is silently seething after 10 years plus starts to diminish affection/ love — yet he will think all is fine— so come right out with it now.

@roarrlikeadinosaur

You stated he sort of dictates how life goes and I have to go along

Then you said things like decor - his house is done to his taste - pets (doesn’t like cats or dogs so that’s that) and when buying a house it just has to have the things he wants were 'petty' examples ?

You also said He doesn’t demand this in a bullish way or anything but it does leave me feeling a bit like I’m not living my best life

So, he

Decides 'unilaterally' everything from decor and pets to where you live and what house you live in.

You maintain, that because he doesn't do this in a 'bullish way', that it cannot be seen as any kind of 'abuse'.

Naturally, our collective conclusion is that he is abusive, and that you simply cannot 'see the wood for the trees' right now.

The examples you give, and the way you try to 'defend' and 'minimize' his behaviour, only adds fuel to the fire, because we (from the outside looking in) can see it's abusive behaviour. But because he does it by 'stealth' and without yelling or name calling, you are currently a 'boiling frog' my dear.

Please, please take the time to read this, then do some research of your own...............specifically look at no's 3, 4 ,5, 7 & 10, because these are the things that we are trying to tell you that are abusive.

Basic Rights in a Relationship
If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evans (1992) suggests the following as basic rights in a relationship for you and your partner:

1.The right to good will from the other.
2.The right to emotional support.
3.The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
4.The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
5.The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
6.The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
7.The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
8.The right to live free from accusation and blame.
9.The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
10.The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
11.The right to encouragement.
12.The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
13.The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
14.The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
15.The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

Have a real think about whether or not you really are ever 'listened to' and whether your thoughts/ opinions/ ideas really are given any consideration ?

OP the title of your thread was ‘does anyone else have this problem’.
People who do have commented and told you it sucks. You refuse to listen.

What did you want exactly? To be told that it’s ok, just a tiny niggle?

I like wooden flooring and dh likes carpets. We put in wooden flooring downstairs and carpets in the bedrooms. That's compromising.

I don't think your partner is abusive, OP. I think the problem is more along the lines of you not being assertive, for some reason.

DP is lovely, kind and generous but without even realising he sort of dictates how life goes and I have to go along.

You don''t have to go along. You don't. This is why people can only assume he is abusive. Why do you think you have to agree with whatever he is saying? You are an adult woman and you don't have to do any of this.

He doesn't realise - so make him realise. Tell him - don't passively wait for him to notice that he making all the choices. Perhaps he thinks you are quiet because you don't particularly care or that you hate making decisions. Perhaps he feels he is filling the vacuum in decision-making between you. Personally I think it is all because you hate confrontation, but I may be wrong. You may be one of those people who are comfortable to spend their lives silently waiting to be regarded, and are in their 'zone' being furious because no-one ever does.

You say: it’s the fact he assumes we don’t need to discuss. Well then, put a stop to that assumption, right now. Tell him that he needs to discuss it and you will decide together.

These examples are petty but things like decor - his house is done to his taste - pets (doesn’t like cats or dogs so that’s that) and when buying a house it just has to have the things he wants.

Do you want a dog or whatever? Have you told him that you absolutely MUST have space for a greenhouse or a dedicated utility room or what is important to you? What happens then?

You’re being pretty rude to people here, OP. So there’s no issue? You’ve repeatedly downplayed your original post and refuted everyone’s replies, so enjoy your boyfriend, good luck.

@roarrlikeadinosaur

Oh that’s horrible *@Seabreeze21* I’ve never felt that, just the same it is very much DPs home.

It might be his property in the sense of ownership, but it is also a family home. It is your home and that of your dc too.

If everything is ultimately his decision and always discounts your opinion, then it is plain to me that he considers you to be the subordinate in this relationship.

@NowEvenBetter

You’re being pretty rude to people here, OP. So there’s no issue? You’ve repeatedly downplayed your original post and refuted everyone’s replies, so enjoy your boyfriend, good luck.

I'm thinking OP came here expecting/ hoping to get responses like, "oh god yeah, mine's the same, men eh!".

Try having a chat with him and tell him that his inability to compromise is having a negative impact on you. His response will tell you if he really is “kind”.

You remind me of the relationship my SIL and BIL have. Never married, two dds, what he says goes from everything to where they go on holiday to what improvements happen in the house. She was very compliant for the first 10 years (she came from an abusive childhood and thought she’d got lucky with my BIL). He would never give in and she became more and more resentful but never left. He’s now in his 50s, has got huge medical issues and she feels very trapped, she can’t afford anywhere to live in the “nice” area they live in, his children, especially the eldest, cannot stand him and his uncompromising ways. She regrets not leaving years ago.

Have you thought how his behaviour will affect your Dc once they are older?

@Haffiana - that is why I posted! I knew one of you wise people would understand and be able to verbalise it.

I really do hate confrontation and the other thing is that pretty much everything dp does comes from a good place. But I think I do sometimes worry that if I verbalised everything I found annoying I would never stop. I don’t honestly know why I shy away from being firm with DP. Earlier today ds fell asleep on the bed with me and he came in and just sat on the bed stroking my foot. I just wanted a bit of quiet and personal space after a hot sticky night so why couldn’t I just say that? No idea!

@NowEvenBetter I’m sorry if you feel I have been rude. I think that the problem is there are problems in my relationship but not the ones people have decided there are, so it fast becomes frustrating. It’s like being told over and over at the doctors that you have flu when you have a broken leg. But I certainly didn’t set out to be rude.

My DH was a bit like this- it's a communication style in part. Women are taught to soften their phrasing, give people an easy out so they don't lose face. Men are not.

If we saw a film, he'd announce afterward whether it was good or bad. He'd declare 'hard floors are rubbish'.
He'd never have an opinion so much as a judgement.

You have to get better at challenging what he says.

'Wouldn't hard flooring be better?'
'No, I like carpet'
'Well I like hard flooring and it's more practical'
'I like carpet'
'Hard flooring is easier to clean'
Etc, etc.

You have to effectively teach him that his opinion is just that, an opinion. His preference is just a preference. Your opinions are equally valid and important. Sometimes there will be compromises on both sides.

Separately, Draw up a list of what to look for in a house. Take it in turns to add something from your list on to the joint list. Make sure you list in order of priority.
That is the new list that you work from.

So, if you say ‘I don’t want a house with a double garage’ eg, you aren’t able to say that because it’s not up for discussion? It has to have a double garage?

Thanks @picklemewalnuts, I think you’re right. I think he’s just been so used to thinking about him he doesn’t always extend it to me and ds very well. That’s not to say he’s deliberately selfish but he can be inconsiderate without wanting or meaning to be.

Yes, your expecting him to preemptively consider what you might like. You need to make it explicit that you don't agree or that you want something different. It's easy to slip back into being passive. You need to be proactive or you'll get resentful.

You need to be more assertive. It's like he seen you coming and thought..this is one I can mould.
Why couldn't you just say, please stop stroking my foot, I would like some alone time?
Are you scared of upsetting him or scared of another reaction?

I really don’t think he “saw me coming.” I think it is more that we are far too careful of not upsetting one another we both shy away from things that probably need to be said.