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Original poster

DP who won’t compromise on anything!

129 replies

roarrlikeadinosaur · 17/07/2021 18:37

Wondering if anyone else has this problem.

DP is lovely, kind and generous but without even realising he sort of dictates how life goes and I have to go along.

These examples are petty but things like decor - his house is done to his taste - pets (doesn’t like cats or dogs so that’s that) and when buying a house it just has to have the things he wants.

He doesn’t demand this in a bullish way or anything but it does leave me feeling a bit like I’m not living my best life to use an Instagram phrase!

OP posts:
utican · 17/07/2021 19:28

Yes, my DP is like this. He has a design background and thus expensive 'taste'. I always just went along with it thinking if I ever wanted anything enough I'd fight for it. That's never happened. In a lot of ways I'm really not bothered and like what he chooses but it's recently hit me I've never really put my own stamp on my own home and probably never will.

SprayedWithDettol · 17/07/2021 19:28

A lovely man would want you to feel that the house is yours. You sound like you don’t have any agency in this relationship- which isn’t a lovely relationship at all.

JanFebAnyMonth · 17/07/2021 19:30

I agree @SprayedWithDettol

Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 17/07/2021 19:31

@utican yeah … the thing is I don’t care enough to really push it. If I did he’d listen but as it is sooo many small but annoying things!

OP posts:
Halfwaytoholiday · 17/07/2021 19:36

Would it help if you got married, would it be more of a joint thing then? Not just his house

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/07/2021 19:39

Have you asked him directly, @roarrlikeadinosaur - “DP - we are a couple now, a family, so we need to make decisions together. We BOTH need to have our opinions heard, and where we don’t agree, we need to be able to discuss things, and we will both have to compromise sometimes - are you going to be OK with that?”

And if so, what was his response?

If you haven’t done so already, can I suggest it would be a kid idea to do so.

Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 17/07/2021 19:40

I don’t know that it would - he’s just set in his house, to be fair some of my stuff is here.

OP posts:
pog100 · 17/07/2021 19:47

You are s couple with a kid fgs, of course "some of your stuff is there". Can you feel that people are rather shocked at how you are seeing your relationship? You are equals!

user27424799642256 · 17/07/2021 19:48

I do know what abusive looks like and this isn’t it

What is it then? Nasty words? Bruises?

But not being dominated, not being given a say, not being allowed to discuss, living in a home that is his not ours?

What definition of abuse are you using?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/07/2021 20:01

@roarrlikeadinosaur

I don’t know that it would - he’s just set in his house, to be fair some of my stuff is here.
Some of your stuff?! You mean ALL your stuff include your shared child... because it's your shared home.

Not just his.

Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 17/07/2021 20:03

That’s not what’s happening though @user27424799642256

It’s difficult because I do want to talk about it but I can’t now.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 17/07/2021 20:04

You dont have a partner, you have a line manager. Is that what you want?

Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 17/07/2021 20:05

😂

OP posts:
spinningspaniels · 17/07/2021 20:15

That's a really sad way to live, OP.

cakecakecheese · 17/07/2021 20:22

I moved into my partner's house, we've redecorated and we made the decisions together because he wanted me to be happy here. It's gone from a single man's house to a cosier home. You need to try again and say how you want to feel like the house is your home and not just like you're a lodger...

Honeybeebloom · 17/07/2021 20:25

Is he like this with other stuff or just the house?

My EXH was like this. He was a good man but just really really rigid in his thinking (my mum is still convinced he is on the autistic spectrum). It wasn't being intentionally controlling, and in so many ways he was the opposite of controlling, I could go and do whatever I wanted, but decisions involving him were totally different. We could have discussions about it but he would never ever budge, no matter what I did or said. Like you I felt like I wasn't really living life as I wanted and that's the main reason I left.
I guess I don't really have any advice but I know how difficult it can be but that it also doesn't automatically mean that you are with an abusive, controlling arsehole. To be honest that made it so much harder to leave and even now I feel so much guilt because I left and turned his life upside down because he was totally happy with everything we had, but I really needed more and was never going to get it with him.
I'm now in a relationship with another great guy and it's the first time I've felt part of a true partnership and it's so different making decisions together.

Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 17/07/2021 20:28

You see I laughed because he isn’t rigid or controlling at all.

But house hunting with him is frustrating because he has to have certain things.

And it is hard I think moving into someone else’s house. With the best will in the world it isn’t a shared space.

OP posts:
Herecomesthesun70 · 17/07/2021 20:42

@roarrlikeadinosaur

You see I laughed because he isn’t rigid or controlling at all.

But house hunting with him is frustrating because he has to have certain things.

And it is hard I think moving into someone else’s house. With the best will in the world it isn’t a shared space.

Can you give examples of the things he has to have?
Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 17/07/2021 20:46

Double garage, has to be a certain distance from work, can’t be in particular areas.

OP posts:
burritofan · 17/07/2021 20:58

OP, DP moved into my house (my mortgage and it stated that way) that was totally done to my tastes, I still made space for him and how he needed to live and WFH. We made it our home. When we bought together the deposit was entirely from my equity and I paid the costs too, and had savings to do the renovation – but we still made all the decor decisions together because it was ours, and it was more fun that way.

I can see how a certain distance from work is a fair deal breaker – everyone’s got a commuting limit – and ditto certain areas (you can chance a house but not its location), but it sounds like you’re not even getting a chance to discuss those factors and weigh them up, just a blanket “it doesn’t need to be talked about”?

JanFebAnyMonth · 17/07/2021 21:12

Could you give us an example of one of these conversations OP, that might help?

30degreesandmeltinghere · 17/07/2021 21:13

He is only lovely whilst you tow the line...

TheTeenageYears · 17/07/2021 21:20

So he has very strong views on things and isn't willing to compromise but how does he behave if you have strong views on something, does he just dismiss or accept that you are entitled to be equally as uncompromising. I think the answer to that tells you if it's a problem or not. It's easy to be the nice guy when you get your own way all the time. You may think it's acceptable but it doesn't mean any DC will.

notacooldad · 17/07/2021 21:26

I'm always amazed at how many of these guys are said to be lovely. What's lovely about someone who just wants his own way all the time?
Totally agree.
It's easy to be lovely when everything is suiting you.
Would he be so lovely if you said " hang on pal, this ( what ever it i) doesn't suit me. Let's have a rethink!

Finknottlesnewt · 17/07/2021 21:29

Will he MARRY YOU Op ? !!

Personally- if he wouldn't then fuck him off !!

That's what it comes down to...

Is he willing to go 'all that I have is yours'. ...??