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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP who won’t compromise on anything!

129 replies

roarrlikeadinosaur · 17/07/2021 18:37

Wondering if anyone else has this problem.

DP is lovely, kind and generous but without even realising he sort of dictates how life goes and I have to go along.

These examples are petty but things like decor - his house is done to his taste - pets (doesn’t like cats or dogs so that’s that) and when buying a house it just has to have the things he wants.

He doesn’t demand this in a bullish way or anything but it does leave me feeling a bit like I’m not living my best life to use an Instagram phrase!

OP posts:
SerendipityJane · 18/07/2021 10:04

What if ds (well, we didn’t know he was ds grin) got ill at nursery

So that's your job now ? Housekeeper and nanny.

Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 18/07/2021 10:06

@Halfwaytoholiday I’m sorry Flowers

The thread has become really hard work because I did want to talk this through but everyone is insisting I’m with an abuser (I’m not) and a man who likes to control everything (chance would be a fine thing …)

It’s made it harder to explain what I do mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 18/07/2021 10:07

Sigh. No @SerendipityJane just that dp works away a lot, or did at that point. It doesn’t look like things will ever go back to how they were.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/07/2021 10:10

Is he very change resistant?

Does he get anxious?

The faffing about that potential job sounds like possible anxiety and fear of change. Such as one should only have a commute of up to 25 minutes, his anxiety about stepping outside his comfort zone.

Same with faffing about the new house - it's change???

SerendipityJane · 18/07/2021 10:12

@roarrlikeadinosaur

Sigh. No *@SerendipityJane* just that dp works away a lot, or did at that point. It doesn’t look like things will ever go back to how they were.
And if you wanted to work away a lot ?
Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 18/07/2021 10:14

I wouldn’t have said so to be honest but I think he does find it difficult to think outside his box. So he WFH so even my current commute which is about 30 minutes on a bad run, 15 most of the time, feels like a lot and so we should move closer? Which has me a bit Hmm

There is a bit of selfishness but it isn’t that he’s a selfish man. He’s incredibly kind and generous but he has only had to think of himself for ages and I think sometimes he genuinely doesn’t realise stuff and you have to hit him over the head with it a bit (metaphorically.)

OP posts:
Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 18/07/2021 10:16

Then that would involve changing jobs @SerendipityJane

Look, it’s not the mark of an abusive man that he has a job that involves a fair bit of working away. Or did, since things don’t look like they’ll ever go back to how they were.

I could change my whole life and get a job that involves working away a lot but that isn’t really the point here.

OP posts:
SerendipityJane · 18/07/2021 10:20

Fair enough.

However you really have committed in this thread to making excuses for every aspect of your DPs behaviour to the extent that it's pretty clear he has you where he wants you in his absence. I'm outta here.

Nonmaquillee · 18/07/2021 10:24

I think that you contradict yourself in your second paragraph in your OP. He can’t be lovely and kind and yet not allow you your voice. He really ISN’T lovely.

Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 18/07/2021 10:25

OK so what would you have me do?

Is it abuse that I say ‘wouldn’t wooden flooring be easier?’ and he says ‘I prefer carpets.’

Is it abuse that we go to look at a house and he says it’s too close to a river / he doesn’t like the roof / the back bedroom is too small?

I mean I could LTB sure but I’m not honestly sure why.

OP posts:
Chunkymenrock · 18/07/2021 10:28

I have no idea why his decisions should take precedence over yours every time? That is actually shocking.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 18/07/2021 10:28

I can understand why this is hard OP I really can

The problem is you have a child together and that involves all sorts of compromise

I bet he can compromise at work because he can’t have it all his own way there

So he can, he just doesn’t want to & that is exceptionally wearing

CastawayQueen · 18/07/2021 10:36

Certain behaviours OP are wearing without being obviously abusive. This is one of them.
You cannot live with someone who won’t compromise because eventually resentment will build.
You need to try counselling to see if you can make him aware

SixesAndEights · 18/07/2021 10:45

Is it abuse that I say ‘wouldn’t wooden flooring be easier?’ and he says ‘I prefer carpets.’

It is if every time you end up with carpets.

If you want to brush it off by saying he just likes his own way, fair enough, but I'd at least think about things in your life that have ended up going the way he wants, however they got there.

Abuse can be very indirect, and if you find that very little goes your way, it's probably worth considering. Also worth thinking about is how much you acquiesce for a more peaceful life.

You haven't really said very much about your general dynamic, so if it's fairly equal and you have amicable discussions with give and take then it's all good.

Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 18/07/2021 10:47

I don’t want to brush it off at all but I do want to discuss it without hyperbole and a certain amount of satisfied doom laden prophecies about the future.

I have property and savings and a well paid job. I am not in a vulnerable position here.

OP posts:
diamondpony80 · 18/07/2021 10:48

My best friend recently got married and moved into her husband's house. He had his house decorated to his taste (very different to hers) but he's still encouraged her to change anything she wants. She's made a few changes, but ultimately they've decided to look for a new place and decorate it together rather than redoing his house. He's never made her feel the house was just "his" though. They're married now so it's her home too.

RosesAndHellebores · 18/07/2021 10:50

I get where the op is coming from as I have a lovely dh who sounds a little similar. Down to having creases in his ironed boxers and the creases being ironed into his hankies because he likes it that way and for him it's a non negotiable. In return he has to put up with my idiosyncrasies and enjoyment of going to parties and chattering insanely (not presently of course).

Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 18/07/2021 10:53

Kind of rose except mine is scruffy Grin

He isn’t abusive and if he was I could and would leave.

However he is irritating sometimes because of his particular tastes.

I’m sure we’ll get a house some time before 2025. Sigh.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/07/2021 10:54

OP,

You have a resistance to labeling.
Thats fine.

Down to basics is.....are you happy for this to be YOUR life?

Never deciding ANYTHING because he ignores you and and insists on his own way?

That's it really.

Is this whst you want for your future?

Because all posters are saying is, it sounds awful and we wouldn't put up with it.

The question is, will you?

WildfirePonie · 18/07/2021 10:57

So when you guys eventually move, because DP has found the house that he wants, what if you don't like the house? Are you putting money into a house that you 100% don't like? Because you will be by the sounds of it, he is already fussy as fuck over where the property should be, it should have a double garage, etc etc etc etc etc...

Sounds like it's his way or the high way.

Good luck living with someone like that.

dryasaboner · 18/07/2021 10:57

@roarrlikeadinosaur

OK so what would you have me do?

Is it abuse that I say ‘wouldn’t wooden flooring be easier?’ and he says ‘I prefer carpets.’

Is it abuse that we go to look at a house and he says it’s too close to a river / he doesn’t like the roof / the back bedroom is too small?

I mean I could LTB sure but I’m not honestly sure why.

You are posting about this being a problem then poo pooing every single answer What do YOU think you should do
Lupellegrino · 18/07/2021 11:06

What happens if you decide you want your own way, and that is not up for discussion?

Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 18/07/2021 11:11

Nothing. Why?

OP posts:
00100001 · 18/07/2021 11:12

@roarrlikeadinosaur

OK so what would you have me do?

Is it abuse that I say ‘wouldn’t wooden flooring be easier?’ and he says ‘I prefer carpets.’

Is it abuse that we go to look at a house and he says it’s too close to a river / he doesn’t like the roof / the back bedroom is too small?

I mean I could LTB sure but I’m not honestly sure why.

But what happens if you push back and say "I prefer wooden flooring"

Why does he automatically get his way?

Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 18/07/2021 11:13

Absolutely nothing because there is a carpet already here, I can’t currently afford to buy wooden flooring and it would be DP who fit it Grin

So he gets his way on that. But that’s a small thing. I don’t really think the thread is going to be very helpful and I’m sure we’ll all agree it’s too hot to argue!

OP posts: