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Original poster

DP who won’t compromise on anything!

129 replies

roarrlikeadinosaur · 17/07/2021 18:37

Wondering if anyone else has this problem.

DP is lovely, kind and generous but without even realising he sort of dictates how life goes and I have to go along.

These examples are petty but things like decor - his house is done to his taste - pets (doesn’t like cats or dogs so that’s that) and when buying a house it just has to have the things he wants.

He doesn’t demand this in a bullish way or anything but it does leave me feeling a bit like I’m not living my best life to use an Instagram phrase!

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 17/07/2021 21:34

He doesn't want to buy a house with you so he's putting imaginery obsticles in the way.

dryasaboner · 17/07/2021 21:35

You've got a kid together but his house is 'his'???? Wtf?

LizzieSiddal · 17/07/2021 21:39

DP is lovely, kind and generous-

From what you’ve said, he isn’t the above. It sounds like he’s treating you like someone who’s just tagged onto him, not a life partner who’s the mother to his children.

Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 17/07/2021 21:40

This thread is getting a little bit silly now and I would actually like advice.

He does want to buy a house with me.

He is not abusive.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 17/07/2021 21:46

You’ve said he “won’t compromise on anything”. That’s a really horrible trait in a person! People in all aspects of life have to compromise, at work, with friends Abs especially with their partners!

If he won’t ever compromise you’re in for a very frustrating life with him. My advise to you would be to have a very serious talk with him and tell him he needs to start compromise or your relationship isn’t going to work.

Saltyslug · 17/07/2021 21:47

So .... outline the things you’d like in a house, what pets you’d like, what decor you’d like and wait for the response.

notacooldad · 17/07/2021 21:48

He is not abusive
Just stubborn enough to want his own way all the time and wont bend to what you would like?

Saltyslug · 17/07/2021 21:49

Do you have any choice with holidays, clothing, meals, cars, days out, films on telly, who you socialise with, which school your child goes to, how you spend cash, what utility companies you use, hair styles?

Saltyslug · 17/07/2021 21:50

Needing to control environmental factors can be an autistic trait

JanFebAnyMonth · 17/07/2021 21:55

OK, to return to what you asked in your original post:

I used to have those problems with my DH. I slowly realised that he was abusive and eventually left him. He still tries to control things.

Crikeyalmighty · 17/07/2021 21:57

@roarrlikeadinosaur. Ah, I have one like this too— to the extent of its not on one of 3 streets he likes — and we rent as well so that can be very restricting in itself and it has to have certain layouts, absolute top end broadband (I understand this because of job) —- we have moved ‘a lot’ and it does get really wearisome.

MyCatWouldChaseYourCat · 17/07/2021 22:01

In my experience you have to be extremely straight with men like this. My DH can be a bit like this, not to the same extreme but he wants what he wants and his negotiating style is grey rock, ie non-existent.

Eg “I want to move out of London.” “Ok, that’s an interesting idea, why?” (Outlines pros.) “So I see the pros but I also see the cons, and we could consider this option or that option….” “Yeah but I want to move out of London.” And you know that no other option is even on the table because he wants to move out of London.

My way of handling it depends on what it is and how much it matters to me. It has taken me quite a while to prioritise my own wants because they tend not to be quite as strong as his. Sometimes I consult him and we have a proper conversation. Ideally we find a mutually acceptable solution. Occasionally I just do it my way, quietly, without a fuss, and he has to suck it up.

Very occasionally (say, once every few years), I go unilateral on him when I can’t get him to agree to something I consider important and essential. I tell him X is happening, this is how it’s going to happen and his choice is to suck it up or provide a suitable alternative. (More nicely than that but similar level of directness.) Otherwise we would live his way an awful lot of the time, more than is fair for a family with more than one person in it.

coodawoodashooda · 17/07/2021 22:11

I agree with the poster who said hes putting imaginery obstacles in your way.

coodawoodashooda · 17/07/2021 22:12

Give it a couple of years op and you won't be laughing. I used to be you.

Isthisit22 · 17/07/2021 22:34

What would happen if you split? Would you and DS be thrown out of 'his' house?

EverNapping · 17/07/2021 22:55

This new house that will belong to both of you, do you actually see him letting you have any input in how it'll be decorated to make it a reflection of both of you? Rather than just of him?

Herecomesthesun70 · 18/07/2021 08:36

@roarrlikeadinosaur

Double garage, has to be a certain distance from work, can’t be in particular areas.
Oo so those examples aren't particularly unusual. I think most people would want those (maybe not double garage) As long as you can make it clear to him that both of you will be choosing the house and agreeing on it then you'll sort this out. As for changing his house, I'm not sure I'd like that either. Though only having some of your stuff there is odd. Just sit him down as make sure he's clear that big decisions will be down to both of you in future
RosesAndHellebores · 18/07/2021 09:17

Yes, I agree with Herecomesthesun re the non negotiable factors for a house. Ours were:

No more than 1/2 mile from station (DH)
Detached garage (DH)
West facing garden (both)
Character or sympathetic new build (DH)

Funnily enough DH wrinkled his nose at our house on paper, fell in love with it as we drew up outside - at that point there would have been no negotiation but I had already earmarked it as a front runner.

When we got married 30 years ago, DH moved into my house with all his worldly goods which were two book cases. It is a strange dynamic in a way and it was always my house. It was much better when we moved.

RandomMess · 18/07/2021 09:25

He needs to rank the importance.

Is there a problem that you can't afford a house that ticks all the boxes or there aren't any for sale?

Do you need to move or is this about wanting a joint home?

You could threaten him that you'll get Phil and Kirsty along to make him see sense?

I conceded to buy a house DH likes (I don't) same with the last one - pisses me off and he's promised I can choose next time. Fundamentally we like opposites so one of us will always have to make a massive compromise. Decorating I choose and he just says if he hates it/thinks impractical.

Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 18/07/2021 09:31

I think the problem is DP overthinks things.

So to give an example when I was pregnant with ds I was job hunting. I found one to apply for, it was about 40 minutes commute but it was part time, three days a week. Advertiser part time roles are like hens teeth in my area of expertise (lol) so I wanted to apply.

Dp would not stop fussing. It was such a long way. What if ds (well, we didn’t know he was ds Grin) got ill at nursery. What if this. What if that.

I said to him quite gently but firmly the perfect part time role, ten minutes commute away, just wasn’t going to pop up.

And it didn’t, so I’m going back full time.

Now he’s doing it with houses. And it is irritating sometimes. We have a good budget but the amount of faffing we will never move. But if we stay put there are numerous small things about the house that annoy me, because ultimately it isn’t mine I suppose!

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 18/07/2021 09:40

What DH has had to learn about houses is that they can be altered to suit one's needs/likes. If a house is painted in dark colours he simply can't see how it will look in pale shades bathed in morning or evening sunlight. It was why our first joint home was a builders' renovation - he couldn't have pictured the after. He trusts me now though and has literally let me have the back off three houses.

I give him minor compromises. I have coloured downlighters in the kitchen and I prefer the setting switched to pink, running through aqua but at election time I change it to the constant blue setting for him Smile

Halfwaytoholiday · 18/07/2021 09:47

OP are you saying you didnt apply for the part time job you thought was perfect, because of his objections? He will have to take a lot more time of work for childhood illnesses himself if you are full time not part time. Don't let his fussiness stop you doing something as important as choosing your own job.

Original poster
roarrlikeadinosaur · 18/07/2021 09:50

No, I’m saying he fussed and faffed. I applied for it but gave birth the week of shortlisting so I had to withdraw from the interview process. But I would really appreciate everyone stopping the narrative that I am with an abusive man and this will never change.

He’s annoying, not abusive Wink

OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/07/2021 10:01

OP,

You are with a man who likes to control everything and likes his way in everything.

Put whatever label YOU want on it.
But you have had a child with a man who annoys you because he likes his own wsy in EVERYTHING.

Sounds awful and stressful.
But if that is what you want, good luck with it.

I would strongly advise you never give up your job, because that would make you very very vulnerable.

Living with a man who likes his own way about everything, and you don't have any income.......now that is definitely NOT living your best life.

Halfwaytoholiday · 18/07/2021 10:03

@roarrlikeadinosaur

No, I’m saying he fussed and faffed. I applied for it but gave birth the week of shortlisting so I had to withdraw from the interview process. But I would really appreciate everyone stopping the narrative that I am with an abusive man and this will never change.

He’s annoying, not abusive Wink

Confused I wasn't suggesting he stopped you from applying, but rather that you'd stopped yourself as he made it sound all far too complicated. Won't bother with any more comments!