N/C for this. I’ve been separated from my exh for around 5 years now, quite wary of starting a new relationship after a disastrous marriage. I have a male friend who I have a nice connection with, and recently he’s asked if I’d be interested in something more. I said I really don’t want to lead him on and I’m not convinced I’m cut out for relationships, and I still have issues with my ex to sort through before I consider another relationship.
For some reason over the past month or so he’s gone from no pressure/respecting my boundaries to sending me random flowers and gifts. His messages have also become very full on, lots of telling me how amazing I am and everything he says he clarifies it with ‘you can trust me..’ like he thinks I haven’t heard that before! He seems to be under the impression that because my ex turned out to be abusive that he must’ve started out that way, and that he probably never said nice things to me. He was surprised when I said my relationship with my exh started out lovely, he was loving and attentive and gave me no reason not to trust him. Things went awry when I was pregnant with our DD, a cycle of nice/nasty behaviour, and a couple of random flings with work colleagues when he worked away - the second of which became serious and he left me for her.
Anyway, like most people I’ve heard all this ‘trust me I’d never hurt you’ stuff before, so I’ve been trying to gently explain that I can’t just automatically trust him, but he seems to think I can. And him saying things like ‘when I say this I mean it, unlike your exh..’ it feels cringey and instead of making me want to consider exploring a relationship with him it’s actually starting to give me the ick.
Last night his messages were so over the top I was close to blocking him. You must trust me, I’m one of the good guys, I’m gonna book a hotel (he lives about 2 hours away) and spend a few days with you and prove what kind of person I am. And I just felt suffocated and railroaded into agreeing to him coming for a visit when in reality he knows I’m on my own with DC and I’m lucky if I get a child free afternoon/evening for a coffee or a meal, I certainly can’t entertain him for a few days! I’d be open to talking about and arranging a day that suits both of us, but I refuse to feel pressured into it being a date/a few days. But that’s not good enough, he’s intent on steaming ahead because I ‘should be over it by now..’
So I finally got upset with the whole thing and told him that everything he’s saying I’ve heard before, that he’s being way too pushy with wanting to come for a few days visit, and that he’s getting ahead of himself in general because I’ve always been very clear in saying I still have trust issues to work through and don’t feel like a relationship is the best idea. Also he doesn’t get to tell me when I should be ‘over it’!
Now he’s in a massive huff. He’s shocked and stunned and surprised by what I said. Why?? I once again reminded him I’ve always been up front about not wanting to start a relationship and that he knows I’m still working through what went on in my marriage. We’re not even divorced yet, but that’s a whole other thread.
I’d felt really comfortable talking to this guy, he’s been a good friend, but now I feel like he’s just been getting me to open up so he could slowly reel me in in the hopes he could change my mind, and I don’t like how that feels. I tried to speak to him on a neutral topic this morning and he ignored me. Then he's just messaged saying he’s still upset with me. I suggested we talk it through but he refused. I understand he didn’t like what I said but it was all just getting too much. Somehow he’s managed to make it all about him and I’ve found myself apologising for expressing my feelings.
It took me a long time to fix my boundaries, I don’t feel like compromising them now just to please him. I’m left wondering do I even try and salvage this friendship?
Advice/input welcome!