Can’t forgive myself

[Flower012]

Hello, as the title says I feel so guilty.
3 years ago I made friends with a married man. I am married too. We both have young children.
We were just friends. I wasn’t interested in him at all that way. However he bought me gifts, paid me compliments, helped me with things, moaned about his wife. Until one day I did see him romantically and told him.
We started an affair straight away. It lasted for 4.5 months. We planned to leave our partners and be together. Even talking about getting married. twice he tried to break it off because he felt guilty and because of the stress of it. Then he had a breakdown (other outside issues contributed too) and he ended it.
We stayed very good friends. We spoke all day every day.
He asked me was it too hard to be his friend but I said no I needed him. When ever I didn’t text back he would text me a lot to see if I was ok.
We still paid lots of compliments and moaned about our partners. He said he loved me but couldn’t be with me. That he would always think ‘what if’
I was devastated.
But I wanted to still see him and be his friend so this carried on for another year. His wife knew me as our children had met but she didn’t know how much I was in his life.
However he started moving on, they went on holiday, and then they bought a new house. I couldn’t cope and anonymously I told her about us. I don’t know why I did. I just needed to end it but knew I was too weak to walk away.
Although he knew it was me. I denied it.
She asked me to tell her everything but I said no because by then I felt guilty.
However, He ghosted me and then asked me to leave them alone and I was so angry and upset that he said that to me after everything I had done for him (a lot had gone on during the past year).
So out of anger and spite I told her everything. Sent her texts and photos.
She then asked me to stop messaging her.
They are still together.
I think its better this way. Not being friends. As I don’t feel so anxious and jealous about what they are doing but I feel so guilty for betraying him.
My friend said he knew what he was doing. That I was never a true friend because I was hidden. That he lied constantly to me. And never intended to be with me. I see that now but i still feel terribly guilty for telling her.
I wish I had just walked away.
I just wanted to tell someone. See if anyone has anything that may help me move on. I know what I did was disgusting and awful. I just need to try and forgive myself as it tortures me.
Does anyone have any advice please?
Thank you x

I don't get why you are angsting about telling his wife and betraying him, but you don't mention betraying your husband at all! Where is he in all this?

Hi OP

Does your own husband know about your affair? I think this is the relationship you need to be focused on.

You were both in the wrong. His wife knows the full extent of what he has done and has seemingly chosen to continue their marriage. You can never really know what is going on in their relationship.

I think you have to let go of him and stop focusing on him, whether you betrayed him etc

The person you betrayed most is your husband.

Was going to say the same thing, your husband and kids that you actively betrayed don't get a look in. You're obsessed with this man and his life without you. Very strange and almost sociopathic.

Yes you did wrong , and in my eyes twice , well actually 3 times. First by having the affair , secondly by being vindictive towards the wife when he broke up with you. You didn't tell her for her benefit , you told her for yours , and then again by sending text messages and photos because they look like they are trying to work it out . Thirdly your husband . The post is all about your affair man , his wife , and in your eyes, poor old you . You haven't mentioned your husband in any of this except to say you are married.

Hi yes my husband knows. We aren’t married romantically anymore. Not because of the affair. We hadn’t been for a few years anyway. We stay together for the children and because financially it’s better atm. I know that’s not ideal but we both know the score. There isn’t any way to concentrate on my marriage in that way because it doesn’t exist. AP was there for me more than husband was in the whole time we have been married and he knows this. He isn’t under any illusions. We have been totally honest with each other.

I want to forget about AP and move on. I just can’t stop feeling guilty and so thinking about him.

What did you expect ?? He chose her not you , all that sneaking around living imaginary lives gets you no where . You don’t seem to be worried about your partners or children just your own feelings.

Like I said husband knows and doesn’t care. We aren’t a couple. Just living together.
My children are everything and part of what drew me towards AP is because of the father he would have been (again please don’t shoot me down, my husband readily admits he’s not the best father).
I was very naive. I believed him and thought we would stay together. I had never had an affair before so didn’t know the feelings that come with it.
I know that sounds pathetic but I was very naive.

Don't feel guilty towards the ap or his wife
He pursued you with a false friendship, buying you gifts and compliments to tempt you on purpose with you being in a dead marriage you were a easy target for him.
You were obviously in a very lonely place to get in this situation, not that it's right of course but put it behind you.

I see, that wasn't clear from your opening post.

Then really, there is nothing you can do. He has chosen his wife and she has apparently chosen to forgive him. It is time to move on. I am not sure how this works with your husband, but if you are both in a place where it is OK to meet other people, then do that. This man isn't available.

And this is just one reason you should never have an affair with a married person. Along with all the hurt and upset to partners and children, its unlikely they'll ever leave them. Take the lesson and leave it be now.

Thank you all for your advice.
I know we will never be together. At first I thought he would message me. But he didn’t.
I just thought I was a better person. I know having an affair makes me an awful person but I believed he was unhappy, that he wanted out of his marriage and that ultimately we would create a better environment for the children.
I know. Stupid. But I believed his lies and let myself get carried away in the fantasy.

OK. You want to move on?

Allow yourself to see this man for who he really is.

Not a great father, certainly not a great husband or partner. Great fathers do not disrespect their children’s mothers like this.

Someone who jeopardised his children’s stability to indulge himself.

Someone who cheats and lies.

Someone who manipulates and uses.

I mean, you don’t come out of this sounding very nice either, at all, but why would you ever want to be with someone who has behaved how he has either?

Focus on your own real life and what you actually have control over.

@Tenbob

You sound like an awful awful person who desperately needs therapy

Lashing out and being so hurtful towards another woman, and by extension, her children because you didn’t get your own way? Just horrendous behaviour

I don’t think you should forgive yourself but you need to understand why you behave in such a destructive way, before it damages your own children

You’re right. I am awful. I absolutely hate myself.

I just felt so so low and so jealous and so hurt and angry. I was horrible. I am so so ashamed of my behaviour. Which is why I need to do something.
I’m not normally like this. I would never normally hurt someone, it felt like I was out of control and I couldn’t see anyway out of the situation I was in.

I hate myself (rightly so) and I hate what I did. I wouldn’t do anything vindictive to my children. it wasn’t me. It was awful and horrible but I know it was wrong. That I can’t take it back. That I ruined her life. That I ruined my life. That we ruined his life. I can’t take it back. But I do need to move on.

I imagine the guilt is running parallel alongside the desire to still have him in your life abd if you hadn’t reacted how you did, perhaps you would still be friends.

Look you ripped the plaster off. You set the house on fire. Blew up the building. You were in pain and you reacted like a wounded animal. I understand. Forgive yourself.

Thank you.
I don’t want to be with him. Or get him back.
I know that ship has sailed.

This is about forgiving myself. My morals. Being ok with being me.

I don’t love him anymore and I know they are together.

I need to be happy with myself. The guilt is overwhelming from the way I behaved.

The post isn’t about getting him back it’s about being ok with myself.

Thank you. This is it.
Although I don’t want him back romantically I miss him as my friend. We helped each other so much and I miss that support.

I hate that I’ve lost it. But at the same time the friendship we were in was toxic and I couldn’t cope. I needed to do something.
I just did the wrong thing.

Don't have an affair with a married man. If you must have another soul mate, chose one who is single.

OP - forgive yourself . Everyone has done things they regret and made mistakes , it’s part of being human. Forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. You aren’t an awful person, just a fallible human being .

I would suggest writing a letter of apology to his wife but don’t send it. Just write.

And also try to practice some mindfulness - allow yourself to feel these feelings but don’t become the feelings.

You are the tv monitor not the programme !

Take care, big hug xx

I don't think you're awful. The truth is out. It happened

Ultimately you feel bad because he made you feel this way and yet he's got his happy ending and you are basically dumped, like thousands of woman are daily.

You wouldn't have had all that info to give his wife if HE hadn't embarked upon the affair so don't absolve him of guilt - he is to blame for the hurt caused to his wife, not you.

I think you need to treat this as a break up and you have to make some changes. Divorce your husband and start again so you can begin to heal.

You are not to blame for the way his wife feels now, HE IS.

Worrying and ruminating and hating yourself never achieved anything. Replace the negative thoughts with positive ones, get some therapy, consider it a lucky escape, focus on your children, focus on your good points and move the heck on

Thank you.
They are good ideas. I will write to her and explain. Get it all out. But not send it. Tear it up and hopefully get rid of some of these feelings.

Op you are bound to get harsh replies here, some people will want to kick you while you're down.

Yes your behaviour wasn't good but that doesn't make you an awful person. You behaved badly now you focus on doing the right thing and living a good life. Leave this man and his wife alone. Focus on being the best possible mum to your kids. Look after your mental health. Get a hobby. Maybe reevaluate the situation with your husband because the unfulfilling nature of your marriage clearly contributed to this affair.

You can't change the past but you can try to move forward with dignity and grace so that one day this is all a bad memory.

I did some truly awful things when I was younger. We are all only human. Please be kind to yourself and do the right thing now x

Weve all done shit things. You have to move on. You might well feel embarrassed and ashamed but you dont have a time machine and you havent broken the law. Plus he pursued you too so no wonder it fucked with your head.
You did this and you had your reasons at the time. I wonder if you could get some sessions of relationship counselling by yourself as even your relationship with your husband sounds shit. There was a void there you were desperatly trying to fill with passion.
You are not a bad person. You deserve to be able to move on and feel at peace, but you are still in a miserable relationship so must be hard to process it

@arcof

Ultimately you feel bad because he made you feel this way and yet he's got his happy ending and you are basically dumped, like thousands of woman are daily.

You wouldn't have had all that info to give his wife if HE hadn't embarked upon the affair so don't absolve him of guilt - he is to blame for the hurt caused to his wife, not you.

I think you need to treat this as a break up and you have to make some changes. Divorce your husband and start again so you can begin to heal.

You are not to blame for the way his wife feels now, HE IS.

Worrying and ruminating and hating yourself never achieved anything. Replace the negative thoughts with positive ones, get some therapy, consider it a lucky escape, focus on your children, focus on your good points and move the heck on

Thank you. Obviously I don’t know what is going on in their relationship but as they stayed together I feel like all the blame is put on to me. I told myself he must hate me. And that hurts.
I won’t see him again for a while (I would see him couple of times a week although we ignore each other). Hopefully by the time I do it will all be ok.