Can’t forgive myself

[Flower012]

Hello, as the title says I feel so guilty.
3 years ago I made friends with a married man. I am married too. We both have young children.
We were just friends. I wasn’t interested in him at all that way. However he bought me gifts, paid me compliments, helped me with things, moaned about his wife. Until one day I did see him romantically and told him.
We started an affair straight away. It lasted for 4.5 months. We planned to leave our partners and be together. Even talking about getting married. twice he tried to break it off because he felt guilty and because of the stress of it. Then he had a breakdown (other outside issues contributed too) and he ended it.
We stayed very good friends. We spoke all day every day.
He asked me was it too hard to be his friend but I said no I needed him. When ever I didn’t text back he would text me a lot to see if I was ok.
We still paid lots of compliments and moaned about our partners. He said he loved me but couldn’t be with me. That he would always think ‘what if’
I was devastated.
But I wanted to still see him and be his friend so this carried on for another year. His wife knew me as our children had met but she didn’t know how much I was in his life.
However he started moving on, they went on holiday, and then they bought a new house. I couldn’t cope and anonymously I told her about us. I don’t know why I did. I just needed to end it but knew I was too weak to walk away.
Although he knew it was me. I denied it.
She asked me to tell her everything but I said no because by then I felt guilty.
However, He ghosted me and then asked me to leave them alone and I was so angry and upset that he said that to me after everything I had done for him (a lot had gone on during the past year).
So out of anger and spite I told her everything. Sent her texts and photos.
She then asked me to stop messaging her.
They are still together.
I think its better this way. Not being friends. As I don’t feel so anxious and jealous about what they are doing but I feel so guilty for betraying him.
My friend said he knew what he was doing. That I was never a true friend because I was hidden. That he lied constantly to me. And never intended to be with me. I see that now but i still feel terribly guilty for telling her.
I wish I had just walked away.
I just wanted to tell someone. See if anyone has anything that may help me move on. I know what I did was disgusting and awful. I just need to try and forgive myself as it tortures me.
Does anyone have any advice please?
Thank you x

Oh my goodness. You've obviously experienced a lot of unmet need despite being married yourself. And then you experienced a lot of pain. The way you dealt with that pain was to lash out.

If you were my friend I'd really encourage you to go to psychotherapy to see if you know what your needs are? Are they in any way being met by the marriage you're in. You don't mention your husband at all.
Is he very emotionally distant? Were you unable to resist this other man because it was possible to connect with him? Is there any connection at all between you and your husband? In what ways are you standing in your own way?

You'll get a lot of ''hate'' on this thread but that won't help you at all. In order to make better decisions in the future, ironically, you have to accept the bad ones you made in the past. That doesn't mean ''don't learn from them' but it does mean accept that you made bad decisions here and ask yourself why. What did you want? I'm not getting any sense that you wanted novelty or excitement. You wanted to be seen and you don't even mention your husband. The paid of you do not 'see'' each other.

Just read the update that your H knows but you're not romantically involved. That makes so much sense.

I suppose you tried to step in to another life through a short cut.
Glad you're on an acceptance path and not a self-flagellation path.

I recoomend Kirsten Neff's talks/books and Christopher Germer on youtube. They're all about accepting yourself for who you are right now and being compassionate to yourself for where you're at, which is a stepping stone to becoming a more resilient person.

I've been practising this for about 7 months now and I experienced a failure recently (job interview) and I can see now that being kind to myself and not judging myself has made me brave enough to risk trying because I know I can cope with what happens next.

this is going to be my next listen on audible

@ItPearl

Thank you so much for this and for your post. I am going to start watching those today.

I did expect the hate on here and knew it was justified. But I knew there would also be some helpful posts and this is what I needed.

Thank you to all the posters.

Yes, even posting this thread, thank god it's been kind but there is an element of you putting yourself up in the dock here. Like inviting hate.

So if it comes, take the good comments and walk away.

xx

At the end of the day though OP, you didn’t hurt this man by making up stuff about him, if he hadn’t done any of it then you wouldn’t have had information to give to his wife. And although your reasons and the way you went about it weren’t exactly great, it’s done now, and she has been able to make the decision to stay with him in spite of all the information she has on him.

As for him, he played a game and he lost. So what if he hates you? It’s probably easier than accepting responsibility for his part.

As for you, staying for the kids is never a good idea. Just look at where this has led. If you were prepared to leave your marriage when you thought you had somewhere to go there is no reason to stay now.

The damage to the kids will be far less if you simply divorce because you’re unhappy than it would be if you left their father for another man.

You’re not happy in your marriage, and if you’ve had one affair it’s almost inevitable you will do it again. And if you don’t then what? Live in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life?

Forget about this man and use what happened with him as the reason why you don’t have to stay in your marriage.

Honestly, perhaps this is the best way the situation could have ended. Everyone now has the truth and can make their choices. His wife has chosen to stay with a cheat - he has chosen to stay in a relationship he will probably betray again - and you're free to choose better next time. You're human - forgive yourself and learn from it.

Your soul mate is never someone else's husband.
You should never start a relationship knowing that to do so destroys the lives and trust of innocent people who just don't deserve it.

You say you felt jealous and hurt that he chose his wife. How the heck do you think his wife felt? You want to forgive yourself because the guilt is uncomfortable and distressing, but it should be! It damn well should be. You'll have forgiven yourself and moved on, possibly to the next married man that takes your fancy and she will be dealing with the betrayal and the feeling of just not having been enough for years. Possibly all her life. Because of the two of you. You felt ok from your end, because you weren't destroying your marriage and rocking your children's foundations, but you knew he was and you willingly contributed to it. And now you feel bad, because you haven't got what you were after. I'd bet £100 if he'd left and come to you after you burned her life to the ground, you would be wrapped up in adulterous bliss and wouldn't give two fucks about how much you'd hurt her.

So here is my advice to you. Before you even think about forgiving yourself, you need to understand the enormity of what you've done and the ripple effect it's had. Otherwise it's like handing in an essay with only the introduction and conclusion. Everything in the middle is missing. If you don't unpick it all and work on what it is about you that made you make the choices you did, not only will you not lay it to rest, you'll do it again. And most of all, you need to understand that even if you do manage to make this all ok and square with yourself, his wife will never forgive you. He will likely never forgive you, although he's less significant. Their children, if they split, will never forgive you. Your children, when they find out through her children, will never forgive you.

These are the consequences you chose.

I find it very telling that she asked you to stop contacting her. I had the same thought in that thread about the lady who messaged the OWs husband and is looking for new ways to contact him and makr sure he reads her messages to "know what his wife did"
That kind of thing can be seen as harassment if youre not careful, you mess up and catch a case with the police because you wanted revenge. Im glad you stopped contacting her OP, I have no advice, just hope you feel better in time

Flagellating yourself won't change anything @Flower012 as you know.

It won't erase the past,
It won't make the AP and his wife find peace,

It won't achieve anything positive. The self-flagellation path is what might drive a married woman to try and find comfort elsewhere again. So, utterly pointless. It serves nobody, not even those wishing fire and brimstone on to you.

The only positive thing you can do is accept what happened with a lot of compassion towards yourself.

My children are everything and part of what drew me towards AP is because of the father he would have been

He is a bloody father!!! He has his own kids! You know they ones who's life you tried to destroy!!

I feel sorry for his idiot wife who's stayed with him and the kids on both sides. It's all about YOU.

Not sure why people are being so nice to you here.
Firstly you cheated on your own husband, secondly you had an affair with someone who was also cheating on their wife and thirdly you then made sure his wife knew all about your affair including photos and texts purely out of spite. He's a disgrace but so are you.
Any one of us could be the wife of this man.
It's your husband and his wife I feel sorry for.

Leave your husband and get some therapy. Nobody is forcing you to stay in your marriage and frankly your husband deserves better. You barely even mention him in your post and it's all about you.

What would anybody gain from her not moving on and forgiving herself?
Who benefits in any way from the OP hating herself?

This is the danger of mumsnet @Flower012 - you ask for advice but a lot of people who post are not equipped to offer anything helpful and will in fact encourage you to stay in the same place feeling bad because that's what they want for you.

Actually, I hope you've gone from the thread now.

Check out Kirsten Neff's new book. That's all I'll say if you're still here.

OP sounds to me that what’s happened is more to do with your loveless marriage?

That the AP was a representation of the type of marriage and happiness you could have, and not about the AP per se.

Would you really want to settle with a man who has deceived his wife so badly?

I think you need to review your marriage and how you feel about it.

How did you meet him OP? Was it a school gate thing or one of you is a teacher?

Is there any way you can avoid seeing him and/or her in the future?

Apologies if I've added 2 and 2 together and made 5. But you mention that your children know each other and you've met the wife. And you usually see him a few times a week but won't for a while now (school summer hols?).

Agree with PP that your loveless marriage is the root of all your pain, even though you feel you are both on the same page. It will also have v damaging consequences for your DC as their normal / their blue print is that a vacuous emotionally devoid and distant relationship is all they should aim for an expect.

This left you emotionally vulnerable to xAP persuing /grooming you - he sensed your emotional emptiness and need (even if you think you are on top of it) - he targeted it and exploited it to have a sexual and emotional affair with you. You are still emotionally vulnerable - thats why you took his "moving on" so hard and did what you did - as PP has said nothing to do with the xAP - but everything to do with your devoid marriage.

Also if your DH is not a good enough father - why are you exposing your DCs to him?

This fake marriage is taking its toll all over the place.

You all need out of it.

Seek professional support to see you through.

What was your own upbringing like? How / why did your marriage fall apart?

Oh @Flower012 what a horrible situation.

You’ve had some great advice from some posters above, especially @ItPearl.

All I would add - as someone who was cheated on and had several vindictive OW try to cause as much pain as possible to me - is that while you didn’t behave brilliantly, he is the one responsible for his actions regarding his wife.

It’s unlikely you were the first or the last. People like him are very skilled at finding and stringing on unhappy women until they no longer serve a use.

You didn’t lose a prize in your AP and his wife certainly hasn’t won one.

I would disregard the posters on here who would love you to spend the rest of your life torturing yourself with guilt and recrimination.
Life is not black and white. None of us are perfect.

You need to look at why you are drawn to men/relationships where your emotional needs will never be met.

Why you are choosing to stay in a dead marriage with a man who doesn’t care for you.

Why you idolised a man who didn’t care for you. Because, I’m sorry to say, whatever he said or did, he did not care for you. He told you whatever he needed you to believe so you would stay.

You deserve to be happy and loved.
You won’t believe that or find the right relationship for you until you do some serious work on your self worth. And forgiving yourself will be part of that.

Good luck

I would seek counselling to find out why you were not self reliant enough to accept that he wanted to return to his marriage. Why you were so needy of him and so embroiled after the affair ended.

You need to do this because next time, instead of you turning to revenge and jealousy, your nerd might result in you staying in an abusive relationship.

Look at your boundaries and decision making processes.

Angst and hand wringing guilt is pointless. Self knowledge and building up your personal self reliant strength will be an investment and stop anything like this happening again.

I love the idea of self compassion instead of pain. You have to be your own best friend. Acknowledge you made a mistake and learn from it. Shame and guilt are things we live with. They’re stones we put in our sack and carry around with us. They serve us no purpose unless we are able to understand why we did what we did and put them down one day.

‘Self compassion instead of shame’ that should have said.

How old are you OP? I wonder if it's worth speaking to a professional, like a therapist, to understand your view of relationships and your behaviour in them? I mean this in a kind way because I feel you've had plenty of tough love already, and you're clearly already beating yourself up.

Your marriage and affair partner aside, you can't be happy. You seem consumed by this guilt as well as wishing things could be different, staying in a crap marriage and then getting yourself into twisted situations outside of that... I think it could be really beneficial to seek some therapy and unpack why you have let your life get to where it is today and how to change your behaviours so that you can have a more peaceful life.

That's why I ask how old you are. You must have a good few decades ahead of you, and you don't need to spend them all in such a whirlwind of passivity, toxicity, rejection and guilt. You could break free of both these men and find someone who actually wants to be with you, or you could figure out how to be happy on your own.

@FuckingFabulous

Your soul mate is never someone else's husband. You should never start a relationship knowing that to do so destroys the lives and trust of innocent people who just don't deserve it.

You say you felt jealous and hurt that he chose his wife. How the heck do you think his wife felt? You want to forgive yourself because the guilt is uncomfortable and distressing, but it should be! It damn well should be. You'll have forgiven yourself and moved on, possibly to the next married man that takes your fancy and she will be dealing with the betrayal and the feeling of just not having been enough for years. Possibly all her life. Because of the two of you. You felt ok from your end, because you weren't destroying your marriage and rocking your children's foundations, but you knew he was and you willingly contributed to it. And now you feel bad, because you haven't got what you were after. I'd bet £100 if he'd left and come to you after you burned her life to the ground, you would be wrapped up in adulterous bliss and wouldn't give two fucks about how much you'd hurt her.

So here is my advice to you. Before you even think about forgiving yourself, you need to understand the enormity of what you've done and the ripple effect it's had. Otherwise it's like handing in an essay with only the introduction and conclusion. Everything in the middle is missing. If you don't unpick it all and work on what it is about you that made you make the choices you did, not only will you not lay it to rest, you'll do it again. And most of all, you need to understand that even if you do manage to make this all ok and square with yourself, his wife will never forgive you. He will likely never forgive you, although he's less significant. Their children, if they split, will never forgive you. Your children, when they find out through her children, will never forgive you.

These are the consequences you chose.

I'd just like to applaud this excellent post.

I absolutely hate myself

I think that rather than focusing on getting over this relationship (which is a way of focusing on 'this relationship'), you need to focus on sorting out the 'hating yourself' bit. Look forwards. Who do you want to be? What sort of person? What sort of achievements? What sort of lifestyle? What sort of activities/pastimes? Work out where you are failing yourself today, and sort it out for tomorrow.

Yesterday isn't here anymore, unless you keep circling round it in your head. It only exists in your brain, and you can fill your brain with other stuff to capacity, and shunt the shitty past bits out.