Can’t forgive myself

[Flower012]

Hello, as the title says I feel so guilty.
3 years ago I made friends with a married man. I am married too. We both have young children.
We were just friends. I wasn’t interested in him at all that way. However he bought me gifts, paid me compliments, helped me with things, moaned about his wife. Until one day I did see him romantically and told him.
We started an affair straight away. It lasted for 4.5 months. We planned to leave our partners and be together. Even talking about getting married. twice he tried to break it off because he felt guilty and because of the stress of it. Then he had a breakdown (other outside issues contributed too) and he ended it.
We stayed very good friends. We spoke all day every day.
He asked me was it too hard to be his friend but I said no I needed him. When ever I didn’t text back he would text me a lot to see if I was ok.
We still paid lots of compliments and moaned about our partners. He said he loved me but couldn’t be with me. That he would always think ‘what if’
I was devastated.
But I wanted to still see him and be his friend so this carried on for another year. His wife knew me as our children had met but she didn’t know how much I was in his life.
However he started moving on, they went on holiday, and then they bought a new house. I couldn’t cope and anonymously I told her about us. I don’t know why I did. I just needed to end it but knew I was too weak to walk away.
Although he knew it was me. I denied it.
She asked me to tell her everything but I said no because by then I felt guilty.
However, He ghosted me and then asked me to leave them alone and I was so angry and upset that he said that to me after everything I had done for him (a lot had gone on during the past year).
So out of anger and spite I told her everything. Sent her texts and photos.
She then asked me to stop messaging her.
They are still together.
I think its better this way. Not being friends. As I don’t feel so anxious and jealous about what they are doing but I feel so guilty for betraying him.
My friend said he knew what he was doing. That I was never a true friend because I was hidden. That he lied constantly to me. And never intended to be with me. I see that now but i still feel terribly guilty for telling her.
I wish I had just walked away.
I just wanted to tell someone. See if anyone has anything that may help me move on. I know what I did was disgusting and awful. I just need to try and forgive myself as it tortures me.
Does anyone have any advice please?
Thank you x

I am not sure 'forgiving yourself' is the right thing here.

Yes what you did was awful. What you did to that women was awful. You met her, chatted to her all while having slept with her husband. You carried on taking his time up, because YOU needed him. Then you told her, not what she wanted to know, just enough to hurt her. And not because she should know, but to hurt him. You refused to give anymore detail, though she wanted it. And you wouldn't. Then you gave her everything, to get at him again.

Any hurt you caused him, imo, isn't a big deal. He caused this. But you repeatedly hurt this woman again and again, as a game. Like she isn't an actual person just an extension of him and a tool for you to hurt him with.

I am not sure you can ever fully forgive yourself. And that's not to be awful to you.

Instead of forgiving yourself, I think you need to learn to accept what you did. Look into the reasons why. Look at wether your marriage (in name only) is really the right option. Did that contribute to this? Is tbe finances really worth it, when you are acting in ways you don't like.

What's causing you to act like this towards people like his wife?

I am sure you are nor an entirely awful person, just because you have done awful stuff. But I am sure this isn't who you want to be. Accept what you did. Accept it was awful. Accept that you need to do alot of work on yourself, so you don't act like this again.

OP it’s ok. You had a very intense emotional relationship with this man who played you. He had his cake and ate it. It’s no wonder you were left feeling rubbish and lashed out. The fact you feel bad shows you care.
Unfortunately, affairs create very intense emotions due to the drawn out period of wanting. Also he led you up the garden path and then cut you out. You would have been left feeling powerless and I’m not surprised you were angry. Very difficult to act rationally when with such high feelings.
Just be kind to yourself, acknowledge where you went wrong I.e. getting involved in the situation but without beating yourself up about it. Then try to sit with your pain and see where it comes from, why were you drawn to someone who was unavailable?
Lots of love 💐💐

Don't beat yourself up... it's noticeable from your posts that although you and this man did exactly the same thing - and he was worse because he was in an active marriage - you speak of him like he's a god and yourself like you're a piece of shit. How can that be right? You're a good person that made a mistake. Yes actions have consequences, but that doesn't mean you are bad or that other people have the right to judge your character based on one error.

I think that telling the wife (twice) was part of your self-hate and self-punishment; you were burning your bridges in a spectacular way.

I know it's easier said than done but try having a little self compassion, treat yourself like you would a friend! If a mate had done this you'd call them an idiot and give them a hug... try to show a little of the same understanding to yourself

Hi OP,

As a married women with young kids I know I should dislike you. However, you are a human being and you deserve to move on from what was a terrible mistake, which is why I felt compelled to reply to your post. I sincerely hope you have learned from this and won’t do similar again.

You sound so down and so sad.

Yes you behaved badly by having an affair with a married man - he also behaved badly by having an affair with a married women. I’m guessing when you contacted his wife you did so out of total desperation. You are clearly very unhappy in your own marriage and totally fell for this man and all that he represented (a way out?).

You are now consumed with guilt but you have to move on from this. Yes what you did wasn’t right - it hurt his wife, but what hurt her more were his actions. You just told her - and while I am in no way defending you for that, I am able to understand why you did that and empathise with you. He left you with nothing and turned his back on you after what sounds like a very intense 3 years. During which time you had hope of happiness. His infidelity hurt her far more than your words. Yes you were part of that too but he needs to take responsibility for that in his relationship.

What you need to really grasp though is that this man was never your friend. Even when you stopped physically being together you weren’t his friend - you continued an emotional affair. No one speaks all day every day to a friend. Especially not one who is hidden from their partner. You also need to accept that he pursued you from the outset too. I get the sense that you have this guy on a pedestal, yet you have such an appalling view of yourself and what you have done. The man you had an affair with has behaved appallingly too - and as much as your actions have totally been a part of that, it’s not your responsibility to fix things with his wife. By focusing on that you aren’t letting yourself move on, or her.

You’ve made an awful mistake but you have to forgive yourself and move on. While others might not agree, you deserve to move on and be happy. And your children deserve that too. Would you consider counselling?

And please don’t think that you are making your kids happier by staying in a relationship with your husband.

Your friend is right, he conned you & was stringing you along. Leave them to it.

You are not being honest with yourself. It sounds as though you feel bad for what you did because you feel like it cost you your 'friendship' with AP.

There was no friendship and there never will be. There was attraction and a willingness to cheat.

Guilt is a pointless emotion, you need to start working on your self-esteem and work out what you want in life.

I think it's a good thing you told her, she now knows who she's dealing with - even even she hasn't left him (yet).

Hello probably do it to her again- he pursued you at the start and sought out an affair. That's not usually isolated behaviour.

At least she knows what he's capable of and is on alert. At least she knows (a bit about) the truth re him.

It's understandable you were extremely hurt and angry in the circumstances. You should let it go and just learn a lesson about charming, ingratiating married men, most of whom never leave their wives.

*She asked me to tell her everything but I said no because by then I felt guilty ....

So out of anger and spite I told her everything. Sent her texts and photos.
She then asked me to stop messaging her.*

She asked you to tell/show her everything, then couldn't handle it when you did (whatever your reasons), she elicited the info/proof of the affair; you don't have anything to feel bad about in that regard.

She is obviously not strong enough to leave him at this time, and couldn't cope with the proof she asked you for that he had had a significant emotional & physical affair for an extended period.

You are in an arrangement, not a traditional functioning marriage for kids/household, ; he was not and you should have paid attention to that.

Talking about you both leaving and getting married to each other, then bailing out (I think the breakdown was slightly convenient)... he's fairly despicable all around.

No wonder you were extremely hurt and angry and lashed out (though she did ask you for all the information).

It sounds like your current arrangement I not really working, given you were vulnerable to this affair and were willing to leave. You need to.work out what to do on that front.

Black and white… you had a relationship, he ended it and you went a bit bonkers. It happens.

Guilt is just self indulgent pity and does no one any good. Strive to be a better person going forward and absolutely do not contact him or his wife again. Leave the poor woman in peace. She’s made her decision to stay and it’s time to completely step away.

@WhiskeyGalore212

The way I interpret that is that the wife asked for everything and OP said no, because it was power and control she had over the situation and wanted to make the wife feel worse by not getting what she needed

Then when she saw they were still together and the wife was coming to terms with the situation, she sent her everything because it was still control she had over her and her life, and OP knew it would unsettle and hurt her.

It’s bullshit to say ‘oh but she asked for it and you did nothing wrong ‘

Nothing about what OP was motivated by doing what the wife asked for - the exact opposite I’m face
She wanted to do what the wife DIDNT want in the hope it would hurt her to the core as ‘punishment’ for her having what OP couldn’t have

She wanted to do what the wife DIDNT want in the hope it would hurt her to the core as ‘punishment’ for her having what OP couldn’t have

That's how I see it

You did some awful things OP, that doesn't make you an awful person.

When I have behaved badly in the past, I have sought to learn the lesson from it. For you, this whole lesson sounds like "my sham marriage is making me utterly miserable and I want to be with someone who actually loves me."

This man saw your vulnerability and he exploited it. He lied and misrepresented his own marriage. He future faked. He's a prime example of "some men will say anything for a shag." But worse than that, he strung along your friendship after the sex had stopped, knowing you wanted more, knowing he wasn't going to leave his wife. He played with you for an easy ego boost and didn't give a fuck what it was doing to you.

If I were you - I'd name change and post a new thread about your dead marriage and get help with leaving. Being a single mum is 1000x easier than staying in a marriage that makes you fee unlovable, with a man who admits he's a shit parent.

This man saw your vulnerability and he exploited it. He lied and misrepresented his own marriage. He future faked. He's a prime example of "some men will say anything for a shag." But worse than that, he strung along your friendship after the sex had stopped, knowing you wanted more, knowing he wasn't going to leave his wife. He played with you for an easy ego boost and didn't give a fuck what it was doing to you.

I'd agree with most of this however a lot of the time the man does actually get caught up and does, to some extent, consider leaving - but when push comes to shove and its reality not fantasy, he's going nowhere (unless his wife finds out and won't stay with him). The breakdown, while partly a convenient first step to extracting himself from the affair with op, may have had an element of truth. He perhaps got overwhelmed with indecision , the pressure of op.exoectjng him to follow through on his promises (or future faking !) And leave and and anticipation of the carnage in his life if he did .

He made his decision anyway, and ots the decision of most married men who cheat apparently.

Op needs to recover and tackle her own situation.

You did some awful things OP

Having an affair with a married man who pursued you (while you're not in a normal marriage and both people know that) and telling his wife when he dumps you instead of leaving like he said he would .... is hardly awful on the scale things.

Unfortunately it's a tale as old as time.

@WhiskeyGalore212

You did some awful things OP

Having an affair with a married man who pursued you (while you're not in a normal marriage and both people know that) and telling his wife when he dumps you instead of leaving like he said he would .... is hardly awful on the scale things.

Are you ignoring all the posts that point out how psychologically damaging infidelity is to the abused, cheated on spouse? The high rates of PTSD, breakdowns and trauma for the spouse and the children?

Bring an OW or OM is colluding in that abuse, knowingly inflicting harm on those people

It’s really disgusting that you are writing post after post to minimise what OP did and try and encourage her to shirk away from the reality of what she has done to innocent parties
It IS awful in the grand scheme of things

@SW1amp you need some compassion. The OP did was she did because she wasn’t in a great place. That’s not saying it was the right thing to do but acknowledging that she is also hurt and caused herself hurt also. The wife was wronged yes but if she doesn’t have to carry guilt or regret

*Are you ignoring all the posts that point out how psychologically damaging infidelity is to the abused, cheated on spouse?
The high rates of PTSD, breakdowns and trauma for the spouse and the children?

Bring an OW or OM is colluding in that abuse, knowingly inflicting harm on those people

It’s really disgusting that you are writing post after post to minimise what OP did and try and encourage her to shirk away from the reality of what she has done to innocent parties
It IS awful in the grand scheme of things*

Not really, unfortunately.

And I blame him a thousand times more than her. He saw she was vulnerable and pursued and engaged her. He made out his marriage was invalid and he'd leave. He lied and future faked.

When people treat their marriages like they don't exist or matter and will end sooner or later; it's hardly surprising other people get folledby that narrative.

His wife now knows what's he's done and us capable of. If she stays, it's up to her.

*fooled by

Unfortunately, predatory, sex driven, unfaithful men are like grains of sand on a beach.... and women will always be taken in by their lies and excuses and promises. The only person not being lied to in a (male) affair is the married man - both women are his victims.

Of course there is occasionally a predatory woman who initiates an affair (though there's always some element of reciprocation from the man), that's uncommon and not the scenario here.

[quote Lurcherloves]@SW1amp you need some compassion. The OP did was she did because she wasn’t in a great place. That’s not saying it was the right thing to do but acknowledging that she is also hurt and caused herself hurt also. The wife was wronged yes but if she doesn’t have to carry guilt or regret[/quote]
That's not compassion.

When we are in a bad place we may do bad things. But that's isn't an excuse for causing hurt.

Ops AP is awful and caused his wife pain. But so did op and then dragged it out. The wife asked for details and op refused. She to her half tale. Enough to serve her own purposes. Then told her the rest, when it suited her.

There's nothing to say the wife wanted the details at that point.

The wife may not be feeling guilt. But she is probably is a lot of distress because of the affair and ops subsequent actions.

At least with guilt and regret, you cab accept it was your own actions.

The wife has been incredibly hurt through no fault of her own. She had no say in this.

I think that shows no compassion to someone whose life was blown apart (and then used a toy by op to cause more pain), to suggest her pain is less or even equivalent.

Op needs to find a way to move on. Whats done is done. But I don't think it does anyone any favours to suggest op is worse off than the wife.

what she has done to innocent parties

He's the one who did that .. she wouldn't have been in the picture if he hadn't pulled her into it.

He made her believe he cared about her and was going to leave his marriage and marry her.

@WhiskeyGalore212

what she has done to innocent parties

He's the one who did that .. she wouldn't have been in the picture if he hadn't pulled her into it.

He made her believe he cared about her and was going to leave his marriage and marry her.

I find this line really ridiculous.

Of course he is more to blame.

But by your thinking op doesn't have the mental capacity to make decisions about her own relationships. Of course the married person is the twat. But the OW/OM is complicit in that pain. Especially, when they then go out of their way to cause more damage to the wife/husband.

He may have said he was leaving. But OP knew he hadn't left. She decided she would still sleep with him.

Op knew he wasn't leaving his wife but wanted to remain in contact because SHE needed him. He was still with his wife.

She didn't tell the wife, because she felt she had a right to know. She told the wife because it served her purpose. She withheld info, when asked, because it served her purpose. And then did share the info, because it served her purpose.

She had the capacity to chase more pain to someone, if served her purpose at the time.

He is vile. But OP chose to be part of this and the chose actions that increased the damage and hurt caused.

But by your thinking op doesn't have the mental capacity to make decisions about her own relationships.

No, she made decisions based on a false narrative.

She was too naive etc to see it was a false narrative, that would group her with about a billion women since the dawn of time.

the chose actions that increased the damage and hurt caused.

She told his wife. That was her perogative after months (years) of being strung along by a man who pursued her and said he'd leave his marriage; and she did his wife a favour in doing so, no matter what her feelings or intentions.

His wife then asked her for proof/info and she gave it. Don't ask if you don't want it.

She didn't contact op after asking and say - oh ignore that request and send me what I asked for, so it was left open and op sent it when she left like it.

It's extreme common for affair partners to not want to drop the cheating man in it when they're still attached and invested and have hope ge'll do what he promised to do (leave and make their relationship official), they don't want to cause him trouble and antagonise him or damage their relationship... to me its just another symptom that he's manipulating them and has head fucked them. It's very common they'll show full details of his infidelity and his promises to.them when they realise he's thrown then under a bus; they think whh should he get his relationship to continue with his wife ignorant of what's he's said and done, and that's completely understandable. It's all at his door.