Can’t forgive myself

[Flower012]

Hello, as the title says I feel so guilty.
3 years ago I made friends with a married man. I am married too. We both have young children.
We were just friends. I wasn’t interested in him at all that way. However he bought me gifts, paid me compliments, helped me with things, moaned about his wife. Until one day I did see him romantically and told him.
We started an affair straight away. It lasted for 4.5 months. We planned to leave our partners and be together. Even talking about getting married. twice he tried to break it off because he felt guilty and because of the stress of it. Then he had a breakdown (other outside issues contributed too) and he ended it.
We stayed very good friends. We spoke all day every day.
He asked me was it too hard to be his friend but I said no I needed him. When ever I didn’t text back he would text me a lot to see if I was ok.
We still paid lots of compliments and moaned about our partners. He said he loved me but couldn’t be with me. That he would always think ‘what if’
I was devastated.
But I wanted to still see him and be his friend so this carried on for another year. His wife knew me as our children had met but she didn’t know how much I was in his life.
However he started moving on, they went on holiday, and then they bought a new house. I couldn’t cope and anonymously I told her about us. I don’t know why I did. I just needed to end it but knew I was too weak to walk away.
Although he knew it was me. I denied it.
She asked me to tell her everything but I said no because by then I felt guilty.
However, He ghosted me and then asked me to leave them alone and I was so angry and upset that he said that to me after everything I had done for him (a lot had gone on during the past year).
So out of anger and spite I told her everything. Sent her texts and photos.
She then asked me to stop messaging her.
They are still together.
I think its better this way. Not being friends. As I don’t feel so anxious and jealous about what they are doing but I feel so guilty for betraying him.
My friend said he knew what he was doing. That I was never a true friend because I was hidden. That he lied constantly to me. And never intended to be with me. I see that now but i still feel terribly guilty for telling her.
I wish I had just walked away.
I just wanted to tell someone. See if anyone has anything that may help me move on. I know what I did was disgusting and awful. I just need to try and forgive myself as it tortures me.
Does anyone have any advice please?
Thank you x

*She didn't contact op after asking and say - oh ignore that request and dont ever send me what I asked for, so it was left open and op sent it when she felt like it.

If you act like your marriage is over or will be soon, emotionally engage people, become part of their lives, shag them, make promises and future fake them about a serious, official relationship and marriage etc. .... when you throw them under a bus, they will often lose the plot a little bit. That's human.
As I said it's at his door.

Remember the Joey Buttafuco case in the US when his teenage mistress shot his wife at close range when she opened her front door, and she miraculously survived.

His fault. No ifs, buts and or maybes.

His wife then asked her for proof/info and she gave it. Don't ask if you don't want it.

No, she with held it first.

When she did share it, she has no idea if the wife did want it. She wasn't going to provide it, until it suited her needs.

Who contacts the OW and says 'I know I asked for information and you refused. But ctually, I don't want it now. So please don't ever give it to me'

Op did make decisions on a false narrative. But she still knew the facts. He was married and was with his wife at the time. She may have truly believed he was leaving. She knew he hadn't left. And alot of this happened, after she knew he wasn't leaving.

I can't say Op is a terrible person. No one is can be defined by just one aspect of their life.

But to pretend she doesn't have the mental capacity for critical thinking and can't be responsible for the decision to sleep with him, is ridiculous.

Remember the Joey Buttafuco case in the US when his teenage mistress shot his wife at close range when she opened her front door, and she miraculously survived.

That doesn't even makes sense. The OW was a minor for a start. Are you saying the op is a minor? Because that would hugely change the situation.

And the OW served time in prison. Because she was responsible, at least in part.

No, she with held it first.

As above- very common behaviour when a woman has been manipulated by a cheating married man.

When she did share it, she has no idea if the wife did want it. She wasn't going to provide it, until it suited her needs.

She had no idea she didn't still want it either. His wife didn't contact her to make that clear.

Yeah it suited her needs- she was devastated and naturally didn't feel he should get to swan off into the sunset with his betrayed wife, who didn't didn't the half of his infidelity and future faking with her.

Very understandable.

@Whiskycav

Remember the Joey Buttafuco case in the US when his teenage mistress shot his wife at close range when she opened her front door, and she miraculously survived.

That doesn't even makes sense. The OW was a minor for a start. Are you saying the op is a minor? Because that would hugely change the situation.

And the OW served time in prison. Because she was responsible, at least in part.

I'm not comparing ops situation directly to ops.

I'm making the point that whether common garden mistress scorned/discarded behaviour, like ops or very extreme, life threatening jealous mistress behaviour like that teenage girl's .... the man brought ot to his wife's door. End of story.

*I'm not comparing ops situation directly to that case.

Are you saying the op is a minor? Because that would hugely change the situation.

Seriously?

And the OW served time in prison. Because she was responsible, at least in part.

She served time because you don't shoot people in the face.

Her responsibility for the situation was negligible. He may as well have shot his wife in the face himself, he was so overwhelmingly responsible.

As above- very common behaviour when a woman has been manipulated by a cheating married man.

Still her decisions to do it. She is still reposonsible for her own actions. If I walk down the street and punch someone, I am responsible. If someone has told me it's OK to punch that person and I punch them because of xyz. I am still responsible for my own behaviour

She had no idea she didn't still want it either. His wife didn't contact her to make that clear.

Op had already said no. If you refuse to do something, you don't assume the person who asked still wants that thing later on.

I'm making the point that whether common garden mistress scorned/discarded behaviour, like ops or very extreme, life threatening jealous mistress behaviour like that teenage girl's .... the man brought ot to his wife's door. End of story

The 2 situations are noting alike. Because OW in the case of JB, (legally) couldn't make an informed decision on wether to have sex with him. Which is why he done for statutory rape. She did not have the capacity to make that decision. Even if he hadn't have been married, she (legally) could not make an informed decision.

So to say its similar you must believe op, for some reason doesn't not have capacity

I think your feelings are very varied. You mention guilt but there is obviously longing, jealousy, rejection etc

You really need to talk to someone where you won't have to justify yourself or face criticism. I'm afraid that with this topic, Mumsnet is not that place.

Samaritans, a paid counsellor, Niteline etc....Will help you understand your feelings better.

Her responsibility for the situation was negligible. He may as well have shot his wife in the face himself, he was so overwhelmingly responsible

Her responsibility for years affair was negligible because she was a minor.

Flower, my advice is this.

You've been burned here, have you learnt anything? What?

Life tests us and sometimes we dont do well. I feel this is an example of you not doing well.

The problems that led to the affair and how you handled them, your allowing him in, your behaviour when he left. It was not good. You can leave it behind though. Learn from it, give apologies for your actions, be contrite and most if all, learn and grow from it.

Let time pass and it will fade. Concentrate on being good, on doing good, and move forward.

Hugs xx I'm sure you wont do it again.

I had a nasty, painful split about 10 years ago where I'm sad to say i wrote horrible messages to the guy. It was so painful, that's how I handled it. I was ashamed later and vowed to never behave like that again. I have not. I learned the hard way.

Use this lesson like that xxx

actions that increased the damage and hurt caused.

Just to get back to this because it's at the root of things.

Thus makes absolute no logical sense - he had done what he'd done. He'd caused the damage and hurt.... the only solitary reason it wouldn't be fully known is he and op lying by omission, and his wife nevwrvfunding out the truth.

If you think people should make life decisions based on lies or omission of the truth.... as you were. Live like that if you want. But you're living a lie and his wife would have been too.

He did what he did to his wife, it's ops perogative to tell. If his wife didn't want yk.know she shouldn't have asked or she should have told op very clearly she'd changed her mind or blocked op after asking.

The 2 situations are noting alike

Do you actually read posts?

They are examples of mistress behaviour at either end of the spectrum.

Ops is very common garden and decidedly understandable.

That girl's is extreme, criminal & violent (and somewhat indicative of her still child like brain development).

But in both cases the cheating husband brought it to his wife's door and is responsible.

That is the bottom line.

@Whiskycav

Her responsibility for the situation was negligible. He may as well have shot his wife in the face himself, he was so overwhelmingly responsible

Her responsibility for years affair was negligible because she was a minor.

Her youth etc was an important factor in that case, however crazy behaviour by fairly tortured women married men have involved themselves with (and often future faked); is the man's responsibility.

People are human, they will lash put when they've been manipulated, deceived and hurt.

Don't expect them not to and beat them up for it.

I don't think you read posts actually.

You have tried to compare 2 co.pletely different situations because one is a minor. A minor in a secual relationship, I completely different to an adult in a relationship. They aren't comparable at all.

And yes, op could have told the wife. Answered her questions, gave her what she needed at that time. And then left her alone but she dragged it out.

Op isn't a child. And op admits she acted in certain ways to cause maximum damage.

She used the wife to cause him more pain. As though the wife isn't a real person or doesn't deserve to be treated with respect.

Again, if I do something that I know is wrong and is causes someone pain, then I am also in the wrong.

He may have said he was leaving. Op knew he hadn't. Then she knew he wasn't. Sad still choose her route.

Part of moving on or forgiving herself, is to understand why she made the choices she did.

Women are not perpetual minors.

@WhiskeyGalore212

People are human, they will lash put when they've been manipulated, deceived and hurt.

Don't expect them not to and beat them up for it.

If you do shitty stuff, regardless of why. You still need to take responsibility for it.

Thags my opinion on it. You clearly don't agree. But that doesn't make you right. It's just different.

You have tried to compare 2 co.pletely different situations because one is a minor.

No you really really don't read posts.

Because I've responded twice now saying I'm not comparing the situations - I'm saying they're at extreme ends of a spectrum.

But that in any situation like this .. the cheating husband brought it to his wife's door.

You are hair tearingly frustrating to try to communicate with., I'll pass from now on.

Honestly, I don't mean to kick you when you're down, but I am not sure you SHOULD forgive yourself. Like you said, you did an awful thing and behaved horribly. You're not the only one, we have all done bad things in our lives, but sometimes we should not forgive ourselves. Sometimes we need to remember how awful we were and learn from it. We can move on, but not forgive it because to forgive is to excuse the behavior. You can't be with this man and he doesn't want to be with you. You were the OW, a horrible position to be in - you weren't valued by him and you have received your punishment by the way he's acting now and the fact that you're hung up on him and miserable. So you need to start to move on now. Maybe you won't ever forgive yourself, and every time you remember this, you'll cringe/feel shit. That's okay. We need this sometimes to learn and grow and get better. Delete him from everything. Don't have ANY contact with him or anyone he knows. Stay well away. In time, you'll get over it and move on. And hopefully you've learned a valuable lesson. And that's worth something.

@WhiskeyGalore212

You have tried to compare 2 co.pletely different situations because one is a minor.

No you really really don't read posts.

Because I've responded twice now saying I'm not comparing the situations - I'm saying they're at extreme ends of a spectrum.

But that in any situation like this .. the cheating husband brought it to his wife's door.

You are hair tearingly frustrating to try to communicate with., I'll pass from now on.

But it's not the same.

Because op chose to engage in a relationship.

The OW in the other case can not make that decision. The difference is capability to make a decision.

If JB OW was an adult and actively choosing to to sleep with a married man, she would carry some of the blame for the affair.

As its stand, she did not have the capacity to make a decision.

So it's nowhere near the same. If a child of 8 or 12 hits someone, its not the same as a 25 year old hitting someone and the outcome for it is different.

You used an example that doesn't fit at all.

What a load of self indulgent rubbish.

Both parties behaved disgustingly but if the wife has to tell you to stop contacting her, I think there is a lot you're missing out as you seek the sympathy vote OP.

Why not focus all this attention on what exactly it is you are modelling for your children.

Amy Fisher was raped.

Op was not. If you can not see the glaring differences between the 2 situations and why you can not compare them, then there rely is nothing to be said.