Can’t forgive myself

[Flower012]

Hello, as the title says I feel so guilty.
3 years ago I made friends with a married man. I am married too. We both have young children.
We were just friends. I wasn’t interested in him at all that way. However he bought me gifts, paid me compliments, helped me with things, moaned about his wife. Until one day I did see him romantically and told him.
We started an affair straight away. It lasted for 4.5 months. We planned to leave our partners and be together. Even talking about getting married. twice he tried to break it off because he felt guilty and because of the stress of it. Then he had a breakdown (other outside issues contributed too) and he ended it.
We stayed very good friends. We spoke all day every day.
He asked me was it too hard to be his friend but I said no I needed him. When ever I didn’t text back he would text me a lot to see if I was ok.
We still paid lots of compliments and moaned about our partners. He said he loved me but couldn’t be with me. That he would always think ‘what if’
I was devastated.
But I wanted to still see him and be his friend so this carried on for another year. His wife knew me as our children had met but she didn’t know how much I was in his life.
However he started moving on, they went on holiday, and then they bought a new house. I couldn’t cope and anonymously I told her about us. I don’t know why I did. I just needed to end it but knew I was too weak to walk away.
Although he knew it was me. I denied it.
She asked me to tell her everything but I said no because by then I felt guilty.
However, He ghosted me and then asked me to leave them alone and I was so angry and upset that he said that to me after everything I had done for him (a lot had gone on during the past year).
So out of anger and spite I told her everything. Sent her texts and photos.
She then asked me to stop messaging her.
They are still together.
I think its better this way. Not being friends. As I don’t feel so anxious and jealous about what they are doing but I feel so guilty for betraying him.
My friend said he knew what he was doing. That I was never a true friend because I was hidden. That he lied constantly to me. And never intended to be with me. I see that now but i still feel terribly guilty for telling her.
I wish I had just walked away.
I just wanted to tell someone. See if anyone has anything that may help me move on. I know what I did was disgusting and awful. I just need to try and forgive myself as it tortures me.
Does anyone have any advice please?
Thank you x

But that doesn't make you right. It's just different.

Likewise regarding your blame the victim mentality.

Op shouldn't have gotten involved with a lying married man but it's a tale old as time. She told his wife what he'd done. Regardless of her motives (which are very human) she's done exactly what she should. His wife should know , and the full level.of deceit and future faking involved. He could very well do it again.

His behavior doesn't come across like that of a rookie.

Stop beating on op for being human and for telling his wife, whether he motives were unrealistically pure or not.

@Whiskycav

Amy Fisher was raped.

Op was not. If you can not see the glaring differences between the 2 situations and why you can not compare them, then there rely is nothing to be said.

Good thing I'm not comparing them then ... For the hundredth fkg time.

Still her decisions to do it. She is still reposonsible for her own actions.

She did exactly the right thing.

His wife should not have been kept in the dark.

She asked for info and did not withdraw her request or block op.

It's irrelevant that op told her in the midst of pain and disappointment and the loss of her future faked relationship/planned marriage etc. It's understandable. Happens all the time.

His wife should have the full picture. Yes abused her with the infidelity and would have been avusing her on an ongoing basis with day that she continued their marriage without knowing he'd pursued his ex mistress and told her he'd leave and marry her.

They could have easily ended up in marriage counseling, that's a common bullshit strategy by cheating men ... and in there it's a common strategy to blame shift a d make the betrayed wife take on responsibility, aided by some idealistic airy fairy counsellors who'll make it an "us" problem, not a him problem.

It was extremely important that his wife knew the full picture in case that and other typical cheater behaviour happens.

The OP is getting an easy ride on here, she's not the victim in this story. Cheats lie a lot, it's who they are. I'm struggling to believe she is in an open marriage where they stayed together for the kids and her husband was fully aware of the affair because in the next paragraph she witters on about plans for marriage with new guy (what about those kids again?). Her husband is a terrible father, based on what? What was the plan with terrible husband for when she went off in the sunset with the married man. Since it's all so above board what's the plan now?
They moaned about (more likely mocked) their spouses for three years feeling pretty clever with themselves. Then he broke it off, he'll cheat again they always do. OP is enraged as it will be with someone else. Telling the wife was to force a break up, because OP believed if he got kicked out he'd come back to her. It's just sad. What about those kids again?

wow some people really like to kick someone when theyre down dont they. Having sex with someone that pursued you, developing feelings and then acting like a twat when it all came crashing down is pretty far from ideal, but its not a crime. Noone died. You were feeling like you were in crisis. Feelings have been hurt and trust has been shaken but I think you should shake yourself down and try and forget it all happened. Pretend those people dont even exist. He messed with your head and turned you into someone you didnt even recognise, and then hes gone back, while two women are feeling broken in his wake.

flip them both off

I think the other man is more at fault than the OP.

But affairs never work out well for anyone. As has been said. They rarely leave. If they do leave, the chances are they will do the same thing to you.

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.

@WhiskeyGalore212

Still her decisions to do it. She is still reposonsible for her own actions.

She did exactly the right thing.

His wife should not have been kept in the dark.

She asked for info and did not withdraw her request or block op.

It's irrelevant that op told her in the midst of pain and disappointment and the loss of her future faked relationship/planned marriage etc. It's understandable. Happens all the time.

His wife should have the full picture. Yes abused her with the infidelity and would have been avusing her on an ongoing basis with day that she continued their marriage without knowing he'd pursued his ex mistress and told her he'd leave and marry her.

No, that's just rubbish.

When you fuck someone over as op and her affair partner did, you don't get to decide as and when you give them information. You don't get to control how much they know then claim you are doing the right thing.

Op had no interest in doing the right thing. She used the wife, in her own games with her AP.

And yes you did compare the 2 situations as 2 OW who caused the wives pain. You likened Amy Fishers culpability in the affair as the same as ops. Its not.

Amy Fisher, wasnt a OW she was a victim of statutory rape. The OP willing entered a relationship with a married man. This is not a case of 2 OW causing the wife pain.

There's nothing in the 2 situations that's vaguely similar. Unless you think op doesn't have capacity to make her own decisions and was raped.

The OP acted completely in her own interests. She played games with the wife. She did not act out of kindness. She didn't do it in a way that would cause the least amount of pain. She did it in a way that caused more.

Pretending the OP is a victim and didn't really have any accountability in her own decisions is not helping her move on. It's just denying reality. Which is likely to lead to the op just doing this again.

im pretty sure OP is already feeling shit enough. No need for everyone to continue to sit her on the virtual naughty step and telling her that she needs to forever self flagellate for what shes done

I didn't compare the young woman/girl in that case to op in terms of responsibility /culpability, I have explained upwards of 3 times why I mentioned the case but you are completely and utterly fixated on it and I don't know if you're being purposefully obtuse or ...

In any case, back on the main topic;

Cheating men gave a script for the ow/mistress and a script for the wife when caught.

They lie and imply lots of things to "invalidate" they're marriage to the OW. It's on that basis that most OW get involved and invested.

They perform a type of fraud towards the OW and while we might shake our heads at how naive or vulnerable fraud victims are; we (rightly) don't blame them for being victims of fraud.

Both OW and wife are usually victims of the cheater.

As for inflicting the most hurt/damage when telling... I've seen that idea in another thread where some posters were suggesting an OW should not have told his wife anything .... I'd love to know exactly how you tell someone (and prove) they're husband has been pursuing, "dating ", snagging and future faking with you in a gentle, low damage way.

Catch a grip.

It's there in black and white when any OW forwards the messages and images etc.

And op.was fkg asked to! With no retraction when his wife changed her mind and decided to do an ostrich impression. Op was supposed to be psychic. It was her perogative to inform.hos wife anyway.

I think posters who say things like this are likely to have been victims of a cheating husband and still haven't managed to grasp that their husband was fully responsible for their shock, pain etc. And that OW naturally get bitter and angry when they're finally discarded; and anything from them is also their husband doing.

Autocorrect kept changing their to they're, but you get the just.

Cheaters almost always successfully set up theirbwife and OW as antagonists and the insistence on saying an OW could inform.amd prove his infidelity in some kind of gentle way and is a bitch if she doesn't manage this magical (impossible) feat while extremely angry and in a lot of emotional pain herself; is just more proof his strategy had worked.

Op had no interest in doing the right thing. She used the wife, in her own games with her AP

Exactly.
It was purely malicious. Nothing else. There was no 'concern' for the wife. It was done to hurt.

Thank you to everyone for your replies. They have all given me things to think about. Things I hadn’t thought of and things I can do for the future.

I don’t want to sound ‘poor me’ as I know I was partly to blame for this. I know the affair wasn’t all my fault, but the way I handled it when it got too much for me was. I should have thought about his wife more. I should have thought about his kids and my kids more. I should have had the strength to just tell him to get lost and not said anything (I know OW has a right to know but not in that way).
There are a lot of things I should have done. But didn’t. I chose to hurt people. For my gain and to hurt them. I didn’t stop to think because I was so messed up that I just acted
I do need to move on. Not because I have forgiven myself or because I have forgotten but because if I don’t I may never stop punishing myself. I think I need to at least get it out of my brain for some of the time as at the moment it pretty much controls my mind.
I’m sure when people were being harsh it’s because they wouldn’t want what I did to happen to them or perhaps they know someone that it has happened to. I understand that there will be a lot of haters. But thank you to the people who told me that I needed to take care of myself.
As much as it seems, I’m not a bad person. I am possessive and passionate and I love far too much (if that’s possible-and obviously not to OW).
I need to find myself again. Accept what I did. Accept it happened. Accept its all over and I must never have contact with either of them again.
Accept that what I thought was real was not. (I find this hard to accept). I need to move on.
I won’t forget. I won’t really forgive myself. But I will care more about myself. It was a mistake. It was horrible. And one I will never do again as i now know what the consequences are (as I’ve said I believed he would leave and be with me and stupidly all would be rosy-I know-very stupid of me).
Thank you again for all your replies

I think what you did was wrong but you can’t go back in time , he was as much to blame as you !! Learn from this experience and try to move on, if you’re living an unhappy marriage maybe it’s time to move on and find someone you love hopefully who isn’t married The fact you’re feeling guilt means you’re not awful, try to let the guilt go everyone makes mistakes and I should imagine this won’t be one you make again !! Good luck !