AIBU to think sister should postpone wedding?

[Rozziie]

My sister got engaged late last year and has planned her wedding for September 2021. At the time I thought it was stupid to plan a 2021 wedding knowing we were in the middle of a pandemic, and now with cases rising and hospitalisations and deaths set to rise, I'm finding it really stressful to think about going to a big event where I have to mingle with people just a few months from now.

I had my jab early so not confident that I'm still going to be protected that well by September, and I also probably won't have had a booster by then. I also have a holiday pencilled in (which was booked before covid) for 2-3 weeks before the wedding, which my mother says I should not take in case I get stuck there and miss the wedding. I have voiced my concerns to my mother who thinks I am selfish and unreasonable, but I think my sister is the selfish one for insisting on having a wedding in a pandemic. It's not like the people who had planned to have theirs last year and had to postpone...she could have either waited until the pandemic was over or had a small registry office wedding this year without putting everyone at risk.

AIBU?

Don't go. Your mum will never speak to you again - bonus. Go NC with her first and then turn down the invite. Your mum sounds like the cause of the problem and it seems like you dislike your sister because of this but it's your mum's fault

I completely understand how difficult this is for you. But you can't change other people. You can only decide what you should do, for yourself. So forget the expectation that elderly relatives etc are being asked to travel. Or that your mum would have a different opinion if it was you planning the wedding etc. No it's not reasonable or fair. Just accept that.

Then decide whether you will attend. If it's wrong for you, you don't have to. The fallout may be as you expect or it may not. Whatever, you will deal with it. Your mother sounds very difficult- maybe less or no contact could be a good thing?

It's not 'sibling rivalry'. I get on with my sister. It's not her fault she's the Golden Child, really, is it?

I think people are totally missing my point about being concerned about everyone being at risk. Even if I don't personally go (and that would definitely result in a lot of upset and the relationship with all my family members being ruined forever), all of my relatives including elderly ones will feel pressured to go and put themselves at risk. Yes you could say it's a choice for them but surely everyone knows how weddings are...people do feel obliged to go for various reasons. I personally would not have a wedding this year because I wouldn't want to put people in the position of putting themselves at risk or not going and then having drama and upset. Some of my relatives are already upset that I missed a big family do in March 2020 just before lockdown because I didn't think it was right, and I was worried about putting people at risk.

People keep saying about 'I don't want to go'. I DO want to go. I don't want to miss out on this big event and I would be sad to miss it. I just don't think it's the right time. I'm not sure where on earth people are getting the 'you just don't like you're sister' or 'you just don't want to go' from. Or that I'm jealous! That's just plain catty and insulting.

But just when is the "right" time? Individuals need to decide for themselves and minimise their own risk. If they delayed some if the elderly may still not be there, through illness, concern, frailty or even have passed away. It is not your decision to make on their behalf. Whereas you can choose whether to go on holiday.

It all sounds hysterical and everyone is too involved in each other’s business. Your mother sounds like a dick, no real loss if she chooses to not speak to you for some time, enjoy the peace and move on with your life. Go, or don’t go to the wedding, whatever.

It's just bizarre to me how many people think I'm jealous...what a seriously odd mentality! I'm autistic, having a big wedding would be my WORST NIGHTMARE. I literally broke up with a long term partner in my twenties because he wouldn't budge on having a big wedding and I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with it.

My mum and my sister are neurotypical and they get excited about these mainstream 'normal' things that I hate and dread. That's fine for them, I don't mind that they are excited about it. I don't mind going and getting through it for the sake of my sister and family. But I think it's really awful to call me selfish for considering going on holiday before it 'just in case' I get stuck there, as if I don't deserve a holiday or anything nice, and as if my life has to revolve around her and her wedding! If I got covid and was unable to attend, or got stuck on holiday, I would be called stupid and selfish for not being more careful when the wedding was coming up, but expecting loads of guests including old people to fly out to a wedding abroad is apparently fine?!

Won't most of the elderly/vulnerable guests have been double vaccinated by then?

I think you sound like you have a shit load of anxiety around this and you are not reacting rationally.

You can keep saying “but the pandemic, but the pandemic” and not listening that you are still over reacting. There are plenty of people going abroad, plenty of people getting married and by then most of you will be double jabbed. You may even have your third or at least be booked in by then.

It’s not up to you about others going, everyone can make their own choice. Sure there is pressure but it’s still a choice. What do you think you kicking up a stink about a booked wedding will do? Maybe the elderly members think they don’t care if it kills them, they’d rather have a last hurrah with their loved ones than just die of something else and not go, or get it at home anyway.

She booked it during the pandemic last year, none of us knew what this ye at would be like and still none of us know what September will be like. It might get cancelled anyway.

Deal with you anxiety, don’t go on about pressuring other family when you don’t seem to know how those people feel about it.

I think, from reading your angry rants that you have serious issues with your mother and sister and probably deservedly so. They quite possibly are narcissistic characters and I really feel for you if this is so.
However, your sister is perfectly entitled to get married when she wants to, where she wants to. You can always not go.
If I were you I would go on your holiday and go to the wedding. Take precautions, wear a mask or whatever helps you to feel safe. Ultimately you have to accept that your sister is not fearful or she wouldn’t have booked this and you can’t expect her to cancel due to your fears.

I think I’d favour my other kid too. Sheesh.

@Ozberry

This sounds like it has very little to do with Covid risk levels and everything to do with family dynamics.

Bingo

@Nietzschethehiker

I'm very much the scapegoat iny family and my dsis is the golden child so I absolutely understand the dynamic. However honestly you sound like me 15 years ago before I grew up. I don't say that to be mean but I do say that to highlight this has nothing to do with a wedding or a holiday and everything to do with railing against the dynamic which trust me is totally and utterly pointless.

Regularly I would make things a massive issue in my head because it boiled down to another thing that showed how unimportant I was. It came to a point where you realise that it's making you the unreasonable one. The childish one.

To a certain extent its justified. Its crap being that person and being highlighted in a 100 different tiny and big ways that you are considered less important than the other.

However it made me a person I didn't want to be. I tantrummed about it all. I insisted on pointing out every petty thing my dsis did. Until I realised I simply didn't want to be that person.

I made a clear decision. I would do what was actually right with me and mine and everyone else could do their thing. I ignored or accepted the winging when my choices didn't match up with their expectations of me. I simply separated. Dsis can do what she chooses and I either choose to engage if it suits me or I don't.

It honestly is as simple as that. You will never win this. They will never turn around and say "Yes you were right we have been unfair" . The only thing that happens is you get into a tizz at the unfairness of it. You get stressed. Often you end up behaving as a points scorer out of frustration and it simply ends up with you being the actually unreasonable one railing at other people choices. Of course it is actually a reaction to years of behaviour but it doesn't matter in the moment.

Seriously , stop caring , stop wanting their validation, you won't get it. The only thing you can do is make your own choices and stand by them. What they all choose to do or say is none of your business..

I promise from experience this is a battle that will make you someone petty and nasty and you don't want to be that. I get it, I truly do and I have huge sympathy for the frustration and anger but it really is only hurting you. They don't care , not really. The only person it affects is you. You can absolutely choose to simply dp what works for you. That's it.

If you don't want to go. Simply don't go. They will rail and winge that you are selfish you can simply choose to know that it was the right choice for you and that's it. The unreasonable bit is claiming she shouldn't have booked it. That's not your remit. Choose to go or not go and stand by it.

This is so wise.

This was me too until I made the decision that I will do me and let them do them.

Emotionally you need to back off from this toxic situation.

Go on holiday and go to the wedding if you like, but don’t throw a tantrum about this with your family. Your sister is going to get married, you can’t change it. Take a deep breath and do what is best for you.

@Rozziie

I can't decide not to go. My mother will never speak to me again, so that's not exactly right, is it? I'm not only being bullied into attending something I think is a really bad idea but also being dictated to about what I can and can't do in the weeks leading up to it. As I said, if the tables were turned she would say my sister has every right to go on holiday and she deserves to relax.

You’re really resentful here. There’s obviously more to it

Most rational people think a wedding is more important than a holiday

Ah. Read your other post.

Your autism appears to be a factor here.

@MiddleParking what a nasty piece of work you are. I suppose you haven't spent your entire life being made to feel inferior for not being the exact person your mother wanted you to be. Any problem, any difficulty I've ever faced I've had to deal with alone, and not only that been told it was all my own fault. I got mugged once and it was my fault for not being more careful, even though it only happened because I had to walk to work on my own at 5am. My parents bought my sister a car, so she was never in that position. This is just a continuation of the same...I don't deserve anything nice, I don't deserve to relax.

My mother even said to me that because travel isn't really possible this year that I should spend my annual leave doing freelance work! I really am considered so worthless and such a dogsbody that she doesn't even think I deserve some time off to rest when I work 10 hour days! Of course my sister is going on holiday to an amber list country but it's somehow different for her, because she deserves it and works hard.

@Nanny0gg and i'm not saying it isn't more important?! I'm saying I think it's very unreasonable to expect someone to cancel a holiday 'just in case' they end up stuck abroad, especially when the wedding itself is abroad. It's not as if I'm saying I don't want to go to the wedding because I want to go on holiday instead! My mother basically expects me to quarantine myself for 2-3 weeks before it so I don't have any risk of not being able to go. Which I don't think is at all reasonable.

So - go on the holiday then? Who cares what your mum thinks? 🤷‍♀️

Yes YABU, your sister doesnt need to put her life on hold. You and your elderly relatives are all adults who can make their own decisions about where you go and who you see.

Please read the long post above about getting. A healthy perspective on your family.
You are an adult, they are adults. Don’t let their toxic attitudes turn you toxic and bitter OP.
Looking at your other posts you think that because of the pandemic you haven’t been able to date and have missed out. There is a lot of anger in your posts towards external influences upon your circumstances and against your family.

I’m sure it’s all true and damaging to you. I’m not denying that. So take a proactive stance, get counselling if necessary.

Ultimately you are responsible for you and your sister is responsible for her. She is entitled to get married. You don’t need to make this moment into a crisis point for you… change your attitude. Go on your holiday, have fun and decode to have fun at the wedding too.

Whatever anyone says, you are getting crosser and angrier… take a deep breath. There has been some good advice posted here for you if you calm down and read it with a cool head.

Good luck OP.

Being the golden child isn’t the blessing you might think it is

If I were you (and I have been) I’d make the decisions I wanted to, for me. I’d not listen to my mum, dad or anyone else if they have not demonstrated that they have my best interests at heart.

I made the break, I’m NC with my mother, but not for this, for the fall out basically of me making decisions not to be in an abusive relationship and watching them support HIM basically. Supporting ANYONE who was against me basically.

Life without them is bliss

You won’t be the first person to say they won’t be going, so if you don’t want to risk it, don’t go.

If your family get bent out of shape by it all, that’s on them. Let them get on with it.

Ignore the nasty remarks - they know fuck all about the dynamics you’re living.

YANBU for not wanting to cancel your holiday.

But your DSis is also NBU for wanting her wedding in September.

I don't understand what all the fuss is about TBH!

My mother basically expects me to quarantine myself for 2-3 weeks before it so I don't have any risk of not being able to go. Which I don't think is at all reasonable

A lot of people quarantined for 2 weeks before Xmas so that they could see family. A lot of people took their kids out of school 10 days before their holiday so there was no self isolation risk ruining their holiday. I am surprised that a person who sounds as anxious and cautious as yourself wouldn't do the same so that you could guarantee attendance at your sister's wedding.

It's hard to comment now that we know your are ND. People aren't criticizing you for being jealous of your sister btw, from a NT point of view people would rather be the Golden Child than scapegoat and would ignore a parent who couldn't be pleased. There's many hints in your posts that you want to please your mother regardless of whether or not she's reasonable.

I understand that many people with autism struggle with situations with lots of unknowns and it might be stressful for you to have an event coming up that might be cancelled or might have details like a guest list that might change last minute. It sounds like your sister and mother are desperate to make this wedding happen and there's little that you can do except wait.

I think it was completely her right to plan the wedding but your family should respect that you don't feel safe to attend!

It´s all my mother says this, my mother says that...time to ignore mother. Make those decisions that benefit you, and make you feel relieved and stick to them, I think it is time to read those posts from PPs who have been in the same position and are telling you from bitter experience to back off and cut off all this toxicity from your life...you can´t win, yet are doing the pick me dance all the time.