AIBU to think sister should postpone wedding?

[Rozziie]

My sister got engaged late last year and has planned her wedding for September 2021. At the time I thought it was stupid to plan a 2021 wedding knowing we were in the middle of a pandemic, and now with cases rising and hospitalisations and deaths set to rise, I'm finding it really stressful to think about going to a big event where I have to mingle with people just a few months from now.

I had my jab early so not confident that I'm still going to be protected that well by September, and I also probably won't have had a booster by then. I also have a holiday pencilled in (which was booked before covid) for 2-3 weeks before the wedding, which my mother says I should not take in case I get stuck there and miss the wedding. I have voiced my concerns to my mother who thinks I am selfish and unreasonable, but I think my sister is the selfish one for insisting on having a wedding in a pandemic. It's not like the people who had planned to have theirs last year and had to postpone...she could have either waited until the pandemic was over or had a small registry office wedding this year without putting everyone at risk.

AIBU?

Just seen your update. Your sister is also unreasonable to do it abroad. Don't go on holiday then don't go to the wedding

This sounds like it has very little to do with Covid risk levels and everything to do with family dynamics.

I think you picked the relationships board for a reason OP because this is all about your mum

Your sister has every right to have a wedding abroad - quite a few are but then it becomes a choice as to whether people go.

Your issue is that you feel you have no choice because of how your mum treats you. I think counselling would help and maybe going fairly lc with them

@Quartz2208

I think you picked the relationships board for a reason OP because this is all about your mum

Your sister has every right to have a wedding abroad - quite a few are but then it becomes a choice as to whether people go.

Your issue is that you feel you have no choice because of how your mum treats you. I think counselling would help and maybe going fairly lc with them

Think this is pretty astute!

The wedding/holiday is early the catalyst

Clearly not early :)

I'm very much the scapegoat iny family and my dsis is the golden child so I absolutely understand the dynamic. However honestly you sound like me 15 years ago before I grew up. I don't say that to be mean but I do say that to highlight this has nothing to do with a wedding or a holiday and everything to do with railing against the dynamic which trust me is totally and utterly pointless.

Regularly I would make things a massive issue in my head because it boiled down to another thing that showed how unimportant I was. It came to a point where you realise that it's making you the unreasonable one. The childish one.

To a certain extent its justified. Its crap being that person and being highlighted in a 100 different tiny and big ways that you are considered less important than the other.

However it made me a person I didn't want to be. I tantrummed about it all. I insisted on pointing out every petty thing my dsis did. Until I realised I simply didn't want to be that person.

I made a clear decision. I would do what was actually right with me and mine and everyone else could do their thing. I ignored or accepted the winging when my choices didn't match up with their expectations of me. I simply separated. Dsis can do what she chooses and I either choose to engage if it suits me or I don't.

It honestly is as simple as that. You will never win this. They will never turn around and say "Yes you were right we have been unfair" . The only thing that happens is you get into a tizz at the unfairness of it. You get stressed. Often you end up behaving as a points scorer out of frustration and it simply ends up with you being the actually unreasonable one railing at other people choices. Of course it is actually a reaction to years of behaviour but it doesn't matter in the moment.

Seriously , stop caring , stop wanting their validation, you won't get it. The only thing you can do is make your own choices and stand by them. What they all choose to do or say is none of your business..

I promise from experience this is a battle that will make you someone petty and nasty and you don't want to be that. I get it, I truly do and I have huge sympathy for the frustration and anger but it really is only hurting you. They don't care , not really. The only person it affects is you. You can absolutely choose to simply dp what works for you. That's it.

If you don't want to go. Simply don't go. They will rail and winge that you are selfish you can simply choose to know that it was the right choice for you and that's it. The unreasonable bit is claiming she shouldn't have booked it. That's not your remit. Choose to go or not go and stand by it.

Is this a reverse? You have your holiday, she has her wedding.

I went to a wedding at the weekend. It was brilliant. YABU

@InTheNightWeWillWish

The pandemic and the holiday are a red herring. Your AIBU is should your mother expect you to attend your sisters wedding at all costs, even if it means cancelling something personal to you. For that, YANBU. But if you aren’t willing to assert yourself with your mum, then you’ll have to suck it up and that’s partly on you.

Your sister can’t help that she’s the golden child. She could have planned her wedding outside the pandemic and your mother will have still treated you this way. So YABU to keep insisting it’s selfish for her to book a wedding in a pandemic. I say this as someone very anxious about attending my BIL’s wedding later this year when I will be heavily pregnant. It isn’t selfish for BIL and FSIL to want to get married. The only thing they can be accused of is being overly optimistic.

Very well said.

You seem the think everyone should substitute other people’s opinions for their own. You shouldn’t go on holiday because your mum says so. Your grandmother shouldn’t go to the wedding because you say so. Your sister shouldn’t get married because you say so. Your sister should get married because you mum says so. Maybe try making your own decisions like a grown up and let other people make theirs.

I think you worded your OP badly. It does just read like you are going on holiday but have an issue with a wedding at a similar time.

You clearly have an issue with your mum from subsequent posts and that relationship but it doesn’t come across from the original post hence most replies.

Ok so you’re just jealous of your sister. It’s not really about the safety. YABU.

@InTheNightWeWillWish when is their wedding? They are already going ahead with no restrictions on numbers so they don’t sound overly optimistic

@Nietzschethehiker

I'm very much the scapegoat iny family and my dsis is the golden child so I absolutely understand the dynamic. However honestly you sound like me 15 years ago before I grew up. I don't say that to be mean but I do say that to highlight this has nothing to do with a wedding or a holiday and everything to do with railing against the dynamic which trust me is totally and utterly pointless.

Regularly I would make things a massive issue in my head because it boiled down to another thing that showed how unimportant I was. It came to a point where you realise that it's making you the unreasonable one. The childish one.

To a certain extent its justified. Its crap being that person and being highlighted in a 100 different tiny and big ways that you are considered less important than the other.

However it made me a person I didn't want to be. I tantrummed about it all. I insisted on pointing out every petty thing my dsis did. Until I realised I simply didn't want to be that person.

I made a clear decision. I would do what was actually right with me and mine and everyone else could do their thing. I ignored or accepted the winging when my choices didn't match up with their expectations of me. I simply separated. Dsis can do what she chooses and I either choose to engage if it suits me or I don't.

It honestly is as simple as that. You will never win this. They will never turn around and say "Yes you were right we have been unfair" . The only thing that happens is you get into a tizz at the unfairness of it. You get stressed. Often you end up behaving as a points scorer out of frustration and it simply ends up with you being the actually unreasonable one railing at other people choices. Of course it is actually a reaction to years of behaviour but it doesn't matter in the moment.

Seriously , stop caring , stop wanting their validation, you won't get it. The only thing you can do is make your own choices and stand by them. What they all choose to do or say is none of your business..

I promise from experience this is a battle that will make you someone petty and nasty and you don't want to be that. I get it, I truly do and I have huge sympathy for the frustration and anger but it really is only hurting you. They don't care , not really. The only person it affects is you. You can absolutely choose to simply dp what works for you. That's it.

If you don't want to go. Simply don't go. They will rail and winge that you are selfish you can simply choose to know that it was the right choice for you and that's it. The unreasonable bit is claiming she shouldn't have booked it. That's not your remit. Choose to go or not go and stand by it.

This.

Your mums right, you are being selfish and unreasonable.

You missed some massive details from your OP so I'm going to have to u-turn on my original reply.
How old are you? Why are you so desperate to please your mum when you can never please her as much as your sister pleases her? You know that whatever you do is wrong but if your sister did the same, it would be right. So there's no point in trying. Just do what makes you happy because you'll still be her less favourite child anyway.
The decision whether or not to fly is with the individual adults concerned. If they choose not to then hopefully your mother will be understanding.
There's no way to predict when the pandemic might be over. Remember when Boris said 12 weeks? I didn't expect it to be so short but I certainly did not expect things to be like this over a year later.

Don’t go to the wedding then.

Your sister doesn’t have to plan her wedding around you.

The wedding is in September and you haven’t booked your flight and hotel room yet?

I agree it's insane to go ahead with a wedding abroad unless she's happy with having no guests there. She doesn't even know if people will be allowed to travel in September, and if they are they are likely to have to spend a fortune on covid tests and quarantine.

You say your mother would never speak to you again if you didn't go. Would that be a bad thing? You do what you need to for you and put a bit of distance between your mum and sister and you. It sounds toxic and can't be doing your self esteem any good.

You need to try and detach yourself from your sister and her choices. It is not unreasonable that you are jealous of her but comparing yourself to her and thinking about her choices is inevitably going to be painful for you because she has her mum's support however things pan out.

By all means make the decision that is right for you but it's not going to change anything with regards to their relationship as she's the Golden Child.

another weird one....baseline you do what you feel ok with and let everyone elsde do the same. If you have longstanding issues with your family then cut em off, you will feel much happier when you do.

YABVU. Hugely.

Id be going on holiday tbh, unless it's a amber or red country then I wouldn't bother with the stress.
If your mum doesn't like it tough. She can't say anything if your sister has just been away

Go to the wedding if you want to/ can afford to or don't.
Stop letting your mother rule you

This reads like, you don't like your sister and this is just another thing to be annoyed about?