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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to think sister should postpone wedding?

130 replies

Rozziie · 16/07/2021 00:02

My sister got engaged late last year and has planned her wedding for September 2021. At the time I thought it was stupid to plan a 2021 wedding knowing we were in the middle of a pandemic, and now with cases rising and hospitalisations and deaths set to rise, I'm finding it really stressful to think about going to a big event where I have to mingle with people just a few months from now.

I had my jab early so not confident that I'm still going to be protected that well by September, and I also probably won't have had a booster by then. I also have a holiday pencilled in (which was booked before covid) for 2-3 weeks before the wedding, which my mother says I should not take in case I get stuck there and miss the wedding. I have voiced my concerns to my mother who thinks I am selfish and unreasonable, but I think my sister is the selfish one for insisting on having a wedding in a pandemic. It's not like the people who had planned to have theirs last year and had to postpone...she could have either waited until the pandemic was over or had a small registry office wedding this year without putting everyone at risk.

AIBU?

OP posts:
InTheNightWeWillWish · 16/07/2021 05:22

The pandemic and the holiday are a red herring. Your AIBU is should your mother expect you to attend your sisters wedding at all costs, even if it means cancelling something personal to you. For that, YANBU. But if you aren’t willing to assert yourself with your mum, then you’ll have to suck it up and that’s partly on you.

Your sister can’t help that she’s the golden child. She could have planned her wedding outside the pandemic and your mother will have still treated you this way. So YABU to keep insisting it’s selfish for her to book a wedding in a pandemic. I say this as someone very anxious about attending my BIL’s wedding later this year when I will be heavily pregnant. It isn’t selfish for BIL and FSIL to want to get married. The only thing they can be accused of is being overly optimistic.

Cazzovuoi · 16/07/2021 05:31

YABU - you said “I” at least eleven times in your OP. That tells you everything you need to know.

garlictwist · 16/07/2021 05:36

A holiday is less risk than a big event when you're in close proximity to people.

Wanttocry · 16/07/2021 06:02

I am also concerned for my 90-year-old grandmother and other relatives who are 65+.

They are capable of deciding for themselves if they want to go.
If you, or they, don’t want to go, just don’t go.

GnomeDePlume · 16/07/2021 06:17

@garlictwist

A holiday is less risk than a big event when you're in close proximity to people.
Totally agree with this. Lots of hugging, talking face to face etc.

You do you, stop looking for your DM's approval because, sad to say, you are never going to get it.

What is your relationship like with DSis? Would she understand if you told her you don't want to risk booking flights/hotel/time off work?

readingismycardio · 16/07/2021 06:28

I honestly believe the issue is not the wedding, but rather your DM and Dsis being the golden child, which I can see why it is upsetting. If you don't want to go, set boundaries and don't go.

Strictly1 · 16/07/2021 06:31

@Rozziie

I just don't believe for a second that if the tables were turned, my mum wouldn't take my sister's side. She'd say I shouldn't have booked a wedding in a pandemic and my sister deserves a holiday because she works hard, and I can't expect her to live her life around my wedding.

I feel like I don't even deserve to be a person in her eyes. I'm just a dogsbody, there to help with the wedding and be a bridesmaid, and I must give up my own plans and life for several weeks beforehand to make sure I'm fit to attend an event I think is a bad idea in the first place.

Do you really think it might be postponed? I thought the gov said no more lockdowns after this?

But you're not going in the holiday so that's not an issue. This is sibling rivalry/jealousy. I don't think the bride is ridiculous - she wants to get married. You choose to go or not go but you don't need to add all this drama.
Namenic · 16/07/2021 06:31

The relationship sounds unfair. But if you don’t think it’s safe to go, just say sorry, you don’t think it’s safe.

You didn’t go on the holiday, and there are now more media reports of younger people becoming ill, so this makes you nervous and you don’t think you want to risk it.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 16/07/2021 06:38

YABU. She can't put her life on hold for you. If you don't want to go just say so and prepare for the fall out. You're looking for someone else to blame or an excuse but it sounds like no one is going to throw you a lifeline so you need to make your decision and own it.

category12 · 16/07/2021 06:54

If your family has the golden child/black sheep dynamic going on, it's pointless trying to talk to them about it. It's not like they're going to suddenly wake up and start treating you and your sister the same.

You just need to manage your own expectations, get therapy and decide what level of contact you want/can manage. Shit, but that's the reality.

Igetknockeddown · 16/07/2021 06:56

I should just put my entire life on hold and miss the holiday I have been looking forward to for months because someone else booked a destination wedding

But you aren’t going on the holiday Confused

Even if I WERE planning to go (and I'm not, because I don't think the place is safe at the moment)

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/07/2021 07:00

Have you spoken with your sister directly or is this all being communicated via your mum? (Which is known as "triangulation" and a very common tactic in dysfunctional/abusive families.)

Do you think your sister knows that she's the golden child? It's not an easy role to have, honestly. I was assigned that role by my mum and it could have destroyed my relationship with my sister for all time. (Amongst many other fucked up things.) The Stately Homes threads on these boards helped me a lot with this - you might find them useful too:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4265761-June-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes

You've had a pasting on here because on the face of it, and in a healthy family, YWBU not to attend a wedding when you're going on a foreign holiday shortly before. But the big picture looks quite different and it's not really about the wedding, is it?

MzHz · 16/07/2021 07:03

You have to get on a plane for this wedding? Then spend loads of time in close proximity to guests etc?

Of the 2 the holiday is safer, but still both too risky for me to do either if I were you.

You’re not flying to go on holiday, you’re not flying to go to a wedding.

Sod them. Honestly

This isn’t about a whim you’re having, it’s about common senses.

TiddleBerry · 16/07/2021 07:11

Stepping in as an actual covid bride here who's on her third date following 2 postponements. Third date being Sept 21.

YABU.

I'm saying this as someone who has had to cancel twice, lost money, undergone unbelievable stress and been denied the exciting lead up that every single bride takes for granted.... There is no way your sister could've known a year ago that we'd still be here 16 months later. When I pushed the second date back to Sept 21 only 9 months ago, I was hopeful that things would be ok. Naive? Yeah quite possibly...., hopeful and eager to start my new chapter ? Definitely...

A wedding is a once in a lifetime thing that costs extraordinary amounts of money and planning. A holiday is not. And regarding that elderly relative you talk of? Well maybe the bride is just desperate to have her there, because in another year she may not be around.

So get over yourself, she's your sister. You should be moving heaven and earth to be there for her.

Life has to continue

layladomino · 16/07/2021 07:13

I wouldn't have planned an abroad wedding for this year, no, but I have to assume that when they booked it they truly believed everything would be back to normal.

Now it's booked and unless government restrictions change, it looks like it's going ahead. I can see why they wouldn't want to cancel unless they have to.

I can see it's far from ideal - so many questions at the moment, and some people won't feel safe travelling. But there's nothing you can do about that. You can only do you.

If you genuinly feel unsafe going abroad to the wedding, then don't go. Send a lovely present, make a fuss of them on their return, show them it isn't about their wedding, it's just Covid that's stopped you attending.

You say you aren't going on your holiday anyway so your mum's view about that is irrelevant. If you decide to go on your holiday, you will lose some moral high ground if you say that travelling to the wedding isn't safe though.

This is really about your mum, and how she treats you and your sister though. Is your sister aware of the dynamic? Does she go along with it or back you up? You don't have to go along with what your mum wants. It's OK to assert yourself and to say no. And to point out any inconsistencies in how she treats you both.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/07/2021 07:15

I’m all honestly, you’re getting too heated over being asked to not go on a holiday which you are not going on anyway. Even if your sister is the golden child, it sounds like you are jealous that she is getting a lot of attention about the wedding. It’s quite petty to cling on to this argument when actually there is nothing to argue about. You’re only damaging yourself there.

You don’t mention your relationship with your sister, only your mother, so it doesn’t sound like you think she is awful other than being favourite and planning a wedding. Therefore you just sound jealous and bratty.

Katefoster · 16/07/2021 07:21

I think it's more stupid to book an aboard holiday tbh

Katefoster · 16/07/2021 07:23

I am also concerned for my 90-year-old grandmother and other relatives who are 65+. I don't think it's right to expect them to attend a big gathering

That isn't your decision to make

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 16/07/2021 07:23

@Justmuddlingalong

You could decline the invitation if you're really uncomfortable attending. But I think your argument kind of falls down if you're happy to go in holiday.
This ^
Mandalay246 · 16/07/2021 07:23

YABU - neither you, nor anyone who has concerns, is being forced to go to the wedding. This is your sister's wedding, not yours, and you have no say.

wjg65ka · 16/07/2021 07:24

A wedding is more important than a holiday and I think this is down to jealousy maybe?

MzHz · 16/07/2021 07:30

She’s already said she’s not going on holiday…

@Rozziie make the decisions you’re comfortable with. You’re an adult.

Let the other guests make their decisions

I don’t expect the older people will go either

Your sister is in for a surprise in terms of who will/won’t go I think

LemonRoses · 16/07/2021 07:30

You sound jealous of your sister and looking for reasons to cause ill feeling. Her wedding is about her mainly. You decide whether you want to go or not she decides whether to continue with her date.

Enough cancellations already. I hope she gets her dream wedding- but there may well be restrictions reintroduced by then.

Crowsandshivers · 16/07/2021 07:33

Why should it be about you and whether you have a booster? If you're willing to go in holiday then I don't believe you're nervous about the pandemic. No one who is that concerned anout catching it would go. You sound self centred and your mum is right. Are you jealous by any chance?

DreamingofTimbuktu · 16/07/2021 07:34

Opening poster - AIBU? yes
Opening Poster - no I’m not everyone’s picking on me

Why bother asking?