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Original poster

AIBU to think sister should postpone wedding?

130 replies

Rozziie · 16/07/2021 00:02

My sister got engaged late last year and has planned her wedding for September 2021. At the time I thought it was stupid to plan a 2021 wedding knowing we were in the middle of a pandemic, and now with cases rising and hospitalisations and deaths set to rise, I'm finding it really stressful to think about going to a big event where I have to mingle with people just a few months from now.

I had my jab early so not confident that I'm still going to be protected that well by September, and I also probably won't have had a booster by then. I also have a holiday pencilled in (which was booked before covid) for 2-3 weeks before the wedding, which my mother says I should not take in case I get stuck there and miss the wedding. I have voiced my concerns to my mother who thinks I am selfish and unreasonable, but I think my sister is the selfish one for insisting on having a wedding in a pandemic. It's not like the people who had planned to have theirs last year and had to postpone...she could have either waited until the pandemic was over or had a small registry office wedding this year without putting everyone at risk.

AIBU?

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 16/07/2021 01:09

Just tell her you're not willing to fly ATM so can't go. You don't sound like you like her or your Mom very much / have a bad relationship with them both so just decline.

greenlynx · 16/07/2021 01:11

I would say that YABU in answer to your question. Your sister can have her wedding when she wants. However she can’t expect or demand you to come abroad in these circumstances.
I wouldn’t go to a wedding abroad in this September but I wouldn’t go on holiday as well. I think you need to be consistent in your behaviour and it will make things simpler with your family.

miltonj · 16/07/2021 01:12

You are being selfish and unreasonable. If you don't like your sister, don't go to her wedding fgs. I'm sure she'll have a beautiful time without you.

Goldielow · 16/07/2021 01:14

Don't go. I've declined to go to a few events because I don't think it's safe as of yet. Your sister isn't selfish for wanting her wedding to happen, but you have choice. If you don't want to go then don't go. You can't expect your sister to cancel her wedding on your concerns but she can't expect you to go when you disagree with it. Simple as, decline the invitation.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/07/2021 01:14

I can't decide not to go. My mother will never speak to me again, so that's not exactly right, is it?

Um, yes, you can absolutely decide not to go. You're not a child and your mummy can't dictate your life. If she throws a tantrum that's her problem.

Original poster

Rozziie · 16/07/2021 01:14

It's not that i don't like them. It's that I have always been treated as inferior. for example, last year I said to my mum I'd love to get away for a week somewhere sunny, and she told me it was so selfish to think of a holiday in a pandemic. I didn't go anywhere, it was just a thought. Then the next week, my sister and her fiance decided to go somewhere much further afield and my mum said they deserved a nice holiday because they work so hard!!!

This is basically what always happens. Everything she does is important and everything I do is irrelevant.

I do want to go, I just don't think it's the right time, and I especially don't like being expected to cancel a holiday (I will probably cancel it anyway but they don't know that) 'just in case' I get stuck somewhere, when that's really the only feasible time I will have to go away at all this year. I don't understand why they think that's OK.

OP posts:

LadyMinerva · 16/07/2021 01:16

You are being unnecessarily aggressive to posters that are simply answering your question on whether or not YABU.

If this is how you communicate with people then no wonder your DM is taking the side of your DSis.

SecretKeeper1 · 16/07/2021 01:18

Which countries are the wedding and holiday in?

CharlotteRose90 · 16/07/2021 01:23

It isn’t your wedding so no it isn’t selfish. If you don’t want to go then don’t. You’ve had your jabs you are protected. This is their wedding and their day if people don’t go then I bet it won’t bother them. Stop worrying about things and live your life.

greenlynx · 16/07/2021 01:27

seen your update. Tell them that you’re not going on holiday as you are worried and then wait a bit. Things might change by September and by that I don’t mean in a good way. Cases are rising, countries are putting restrictions for visitors from UK so the decision might be out of your hands by September.
Of course your sister was unreasonable to plan her wedding abroad and your mum was unreasonable in her approach but I would try to keep emotions out of your communication at least for a bit. Wedding preparation is very stressful and challenging thing even in normal times without Covid involved.

Goldielow · 16/07/2021 01:29

It now sounds less like a specific issue with the wedding/your holiday and more an issue you have with how your family treat you.

I totally understand. My mother has always treat my siblings as more important than me, my needs come last no matter what the situation and I should move my world to accommodate their every whim, to do any less is selfish of me and makes me a bad sister.
This isn't acceptable behaviour and I distanced myself from all that a few years ago. I now refuse to go to a lot of get togethers because I'm usually more demanded than invited.

I think you need to confront these issues with your family. If you feel like they won't listen or change, you have to stop putting their feelings and needs above your own. Would your sister cancel a holiday to come to your wedding in the same circumstances? Would your mum be as upset with her as she is with you? If those answers are no then you don't need to accommodate them since they wouldn't do the same for you.

All in all I would go on your holiday if you feel safe to do so and see how you feel when we're in September and the wedding is here.

NCJuly2021 · 16/07/2021 01:38

I’m so confused, are you going on holiday or not? One post you say you are, the next you claim you’re not!

And yes, YABU. Don’t go if it bothers you that much but it’s not for you to dictate her life.

Eviethyme · 16/07/2021 01:46

I think your getting your post crossed here OP... At first the post is about how unfair your sister is being but now it's turning into actually its your mum that's the unreasonable one. Think you need to realise this isn't one whole situation.

Wedding aside your sister has done nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing, your mum seems to be the unreasonable one here so the post should really be about her so why are you making it about the wedding when it's not about the wedding its about not feeling you are able to say Ko.

This is a mum problem not a wedding or sister problem.

As fp rother family members they can also decide whether they want to go or not.

I think after the year we have all had your sister probably does deserve the wedding she wants and this pandemic may go on for years you don't know. What if they wait years or months for it to end and then her fiance dies next year or next month you don't know and if they want to marry then they should and they should do it exactly how they wanted to

Original poster

Rozziie · 16/07/2021 01:50

@Goldielow yes I think that's it. My sister is the Golden Child. I know with every fibre of my being that if I had organised a wedding for this September, I'd never have heard the end of how selfish it was to expect people to travel abroad to my wedding. I'd have been asked why I couldn't have waited a bit longer. Never in a million years would my sister have been expected to give up a long planned holiday 'just in case' it interfered with my wedding. I have tried to talk to them many times about the difference in how we are treated but it just falls on deaf ears.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rozziie · 16/07/2021 01:52

@greenlynx I know it's stressful but it's a choice she made! I just don't understand why someone would insist on arranging such a big thing at such a bad time. I am already being pressurised about booking flights and hotel rooms, which I'm sure I will struggle to be refunded for if the wedding does end up being postponed.

OP posts:

Goldielow · 16/07/2021 01:56

@Rozziie

I completely understand and I've been there. The only thing I can say is that the power of what you do is in your hands. If your family are unwilling to listen then it's time to stop talking. If you believe that roles reversed wouldn't get you the same response then you need to ask yourself why you keep going out of your way to please them. You can still love your family while not jumping to their demands. It's a very hard thing to do, but once you actually break away from them and realise you mean a lot less to them than they do to you, you'll stop doing what they want you to do.

Put it this way, it sounds like you can't win. If you go on holiday your family will judge you and call you selfish. If you go to your sisters wedding you'll feel unsafe and as though your sister hasn't considered the safety of her family. One way or another you can't please everyone. So instead do what you want to do. And ask yourself why you would continue to bend over backwards for them if they aren't willing to show you a fraction of the respect and accomodating attitude that they're demanding from you.

PurpleOkapi · 16/07/2021 02:00

You think it's reasonable to ask someone not to go on a holiday booked in 2019 in case they get stuck there because of the pandemic, because their sibling booked a wedding abroad in 2020 with the full knowledge of said pandemic?

No. But you know what's even more unreasonable? Demanding your sibling cancel the wedding that you aren't going to anyway, because you think you and you alone have the right to determine what risks your entire extended family is allowed to take in your absence.

greenlynx · 16/07/2021 02:10

Your sister won’t change the date. So your options are :
To go to the wedding with lots of moaning on MN about this, and it’s absolutely fine as an opinion.
Not to go: In this situation I would tell them first that you are not going on holiday, of course you aren’t, we are in the middle of pandemic. Then tell them that you are not going to the wedding.
Tell them that you’ve booked everything and pray that government will put some restrictions in place and the wedding won’t happen. I don’t like this one as your sister might want to go ahead anyway and your lie will became obvious.
Last option: tell them that your not going and ignore any talking about your holiday or your sister’s wedding.
There might be some options I’ve overlooked but these are the main ones imo .

vodkaredbullgirl · 16/07/2021 02:18

HauteGirlSummer · 16/07/2021 02:39

@Rozziie

This is basically what always happens. Everything she does is important and everything I do is irrelevant.

Not understanding why you have to basically get mum's approval before you go on holiday? It's up to you. Unless you're relying on her for childcare in your absence?

1forAll74 · 16/07/2021 02:41

It all sounds like too much hassle. And why does your Mother have so much influence over you.Just do what you wan't to do,and opt out of things that you don't want to do.

Going on planes at this particular time,is not something I would wish to do.

snowy0wl · 16/07/2021 03:24

I never understand why people ask for an opinion on here and then complain when MN doesn’t agree with them. OP - you are putting a lot of effort into trying to persuade a group of strangers who know nothing about you that you are right and your family are wrong.

Glowbuggy · 16/07/2021 03:47

Don’t go if you can’t be arsed.

Ohanaa · 16/07/2021 05:02

Yabu.

orangejuicer · 16/07/2021 05:07

If you don't want to go OP just decline the invitation. Pretty much everything you've said is irrelevant.

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