I am so trapped

[Cornfieldrainbows]

I want to leave DH but despite me being unhappy for 17 years my mum is pushing hard for me to stay because of the dc. And probably because she doesn’t want the shame of a divorced child.

She said I chose to have the dc, now it doesn’t matter if I’m happy or not. I’m really struggling. I wake in the morning feeling like I cannot breathe. My heart is racing. I’m not sleeping well, waking about 4am, and I’m not eating.
My mum keeps telling me how heartbroken the dc will be, that I will be poor, that I could lose them 50% of the time and they would hate that. That I will have no time nor money to do anything with them. That I will still be unhappy because my dc will be so unhappy.
Her answer? I wait another 13 years for dc2 to be 18. In 13 years I will be 50 and so worn down that I will have given up, if I make it that far which is debatable tbh.
We’d have to go and stay with my parents if I left DH so there’s no way of avoiding her. I hear what she’s saying and I suppose she is right. It is deeply selfish not to stay for the dc, who are happy, doing well at school and generally very settled.
I married DH partly because she wanted me to and I was young. Have I got to pay for that decision forever? It seems I have.
I cannot see a way forwards anymore. I just feel trapped. DH is slightly controlling and I am squashed, I am not who I was when we married. I was 20. He was 30. I feel I’ve changed so much and I feel this awful disconnect all the time. My mum says it’s because of covid but I felt it before that, although covid hasn’t helped.
DH isn’t a very involved father currently and never has been. All of the mental load falls on me and most of the practical stuff too. Currently he has them on his own one evening a week when I go out but only after I’ve got youngest dc to bed. Oldest dc is 11 and so not as demanding. He’s never willingly taken any of it on and he’s watched me struggle with things like the fact dc1 didn’t sleep through until he was 4 and he never once gave me a night off. It’s always ‘they settle better for you.’
He works hard, he has a good job, he does love me and the dc but I consistently feel like a thing on his checklist of what he needs for a ‘perfect’ life. I don’t feel like a person in my own right. He says the right things, for example I’ve taken a more demanding role at work with more hours and he did a lot of ‘ill support you whatever you want to do’ before I accepted. I started four months ago and in that four months he’s not practically helped me with anything. He’s not done a single school run, he’s not done anything in the house. I run my day around the children, working through lunch, rushing around, fetching them, coming back and doing another hour or so at work. Everything falls on me. I had a small crying breakdown about two months ago and he said he’d help me but nothing has changed although we now get take out or eat out once a week so I don’t have to cook.
I’m no longer attracted to him and so rarely have sex unless there’s no other option to. But it is rare. Two years and counting.
My mum says so what. If I left him I would be doing it all on my own anyway, plus the dc would be upset, plus I would be poor, she thinks it would all be worse and maybe she is right. I feel so trapped and it makes me feel like giving up. I just want to go to bed and never get back up again. I am already on antidepressants. I want to get back to a place where I feel like me again and I don’t know how to do that. I do know it hasn’t always been as awful as this with DH, I think since dc2 was born and I had PND it’s got much much worse. Mainly because he carried on totally as normal and I was barely functioning. Again he didn’t ever give me a lie in or get up at night when they were a baby. The PND hit me like a brick and I will admit since then I’ve never felt well, I’ve always felt a background level of anxiety. I can think of maybe two or three occasions since I had dc2 five years ago where I’ve not felt anxious. Unfortunately it arrived when she did, like an unwelcome additional child.

My mum thinks that’s why I don’t want to be with DH, that I’ve not recovered from the birth of dc2. I can’t imagine now ever being the person I was before I had her. I cannot imagine ever feeling optimistic or happy or even just less anxious. I get up in the mornings and wait to go back to bed. The best time of my life is when I am asleep. I just struggle through the days putting a brave face on it. I am incredibly lonely.

I love my dc so much. I don’t want to transfer this awful feeling to them. I worry that in breaking their family I will break them. I worry that my mum is right, that I am not capable of managing this. My mum never thinks I am capable of anything. When I went for this job she told me I wouldn’t cope, my children would suffer with me working more hours and I was putting my job in front of them. I spent four years as a sahp after dc2. I work my hours around them as best I can. I do everything I can to mitigate any cost to them - and yet DH just gets to do whatever he wants.

Sorry that was really long. I’m feeling desperate this morning.

Is his mother gypsy rose lee?? You may absolutely thrive, probably not initially admittedly but further down the line— you may partner up with a lovely and helpful man, you may marry a millionaire!! None of us know what’s in store but by staying put you can be sure more of the same is on the agenda because it is what it is. She simply wants the status quo and possibly doesn’t want your family under her feet- people have agendas ! You do have options, you work — you just need to think about it from a practical point of view and also depends if you rent or own with regards to housing etc. Don’t go to your mothers- you will never hear the end of it. All I can say is words are cheap and if your H has done the ‘I will support you’ but shows no sign of stepping out his comfort zone then it won’t change. I was married in my 20s to such a man— nice enough guy, good looking, didn’t hit me— but I never ever came first in his priorities , his hobbies and mates did - I married far too young and didn’t really notice it till we had kids

Stop listening to your mother.

Your DH needs to pull his weight in the house.

Is there anyone (not your mother) you could go and stay with for a few days, without the DC?

Your mum is a twat, life is to short to be miserable. Do something about it

@Cornfieldrainbows

The thing is I’ve got a two beautiful children, a husband who holds down a job and isn’t alcoholic or physically abusive. A reasonable house. Would I be crazy to throw it away? It should be enough.

What would you be throwing away?

I’ve got two beautiful children. I’ve got freedom and space. I’ve got a home I love, friends, a social life, a boyfriend, a good job.

I threw away misery. I threw away guilt. I threw away martyrdom.

I’m happier, my children are happier, and though he’d sometimes like to pretend to be incredibly wounded after all this time, their father is happier too.

@vampirethriller

Bear in mind that if you stay your children will grow up thinking men get to do what they want and women have to suck it up and be miserable. That's far worse than divorce, believe me, I've had some awful relationships because I didn't know any better and my mother was like yours.

This - break the cycle for your kids if not for you.

Sorry you're feeling like this, sounds very tough and stressful. There was a lot in your post but these are the things that jumped out to me, and might be something to think about

Firstly you said your mum thinks because you chose to have kids you should stay in this marriage. It sounds like she has some old fashioned ideas about marriage and relationships. Do you agree with those? She sounds extremely controlling tbh. Maybe it's worth getting some breathing space from her and deciding what you want?

Secondly, you mention that you "rarely have sex unless there is no other option". What do you mean by "no other option"? Do you mean he is forcing you or putting pressure on you to have sex? Because this is not OK and is illegal. No one should make you feel like this. No means no. It might be worth talking to women's aid or rape crisis about this to unpack what exactly is going on here.

Thirdly you said "the best time of my life is when I am asleep". This is how I felt when I was depressed. Do you feel like you have some of those symptoms? It might be worth a trip to the GP because they would be able to provide pills and/ or counselling for you. You don't have to feel like this for the rest of your life.

Please take care of yourself OP x

I married DH partly because she wanted me to and I was young

Can you tell us a bit more about your relationship with your mum OP? Do you have siblings? Do you live close by to her, see her often?

A 20 year old woman being pushed to marry a 30 year old man by their mother sounds extremely unusual at best.

Why does she have such a prominent in your life decisions? Have you ever done something important, without first running it by her?

You mention you have some close friends - do you share with them what your mum is telling you? Do they have such enmeshed relationships with their own mothers?

You are allowing your mum to run your life. It seems you got married because she wanted you to - so her interfering has left your where you are now - then when you want to get out and be happy, she is telling you what to do again.

You are an adult. Your mum's opinion is irrelevant. Especially when she is advising you do something that is making you unhappy. She is trying to guilt-trip you in to staying by talking about your DC being unhappy. You don't have to read far on these boards to know that children are better off NOT living with unhappily married parents. It is far healthier for them to live with a happy and relaxed single mum than an unhappy home (where their mum will become a shadow of herself in time).

Stop asking for your mum's opinion. Tell her that as a parent you only want your children to be happy, and you are surprised that isn't the same for her. That you are desperately unhappy and need to get out for your own wellbeing and especially for your DC. You hope she will be supportive but if not it won't stop your plan.

Start taking small steps towards your freedom. Take advice where you can outside of your mum. You have started to believe that she might be right - and she is very wrong. Perhaps some counselling (just you / not DH) might help.

Baby steps but once you have a plan you will start to feel better. There is a whole other world for you out there. I hope you will be looking back in a couple of years and this will seem like a bad dream. You will be somewhere of your own, with your DC around you, thanking your lucky stars that you got out. Listen to your friends!

In the words of Mumsnet - " You need to put your big girl pants on" & sort your own life out

Don't take any s* from anyone

Children if old enough can do some chores

DH pulls his weight/shares the load, or ships out

Stop blaming other people now

This is your life, so make your changes & choices

I grew up in household like you are describing and it was hugely damaging for me and my brother, neither of us have been able to have happy adult relationships.

Please leave, if not for you, for your children.

From what I can glean you just can't see the wood from the trees. You need a plan that doesn't involve your mother's help.

See a solicitor and find out your options. Stop discussing shit with your mother and talk to someone who has your back and who can help.

Tell your mother to STFU or fuck off out your life.

I’m just going to end up staying.
I am paralysed by it all and sometimes I think i should just get on with it and accept this is my life. If I don’t spend much time with DH it’s not so bad. When he suggests doing anything together I get like a sinking feeling. I’m so anxious. I just want the anxious to abate.
I don’t understand why it’s so much worse than it was a few years ago but it is.

STOP listening to your mother, you are a grown woman. START taking responsibility for sorting your life out - you only have one life - do you really want to be on here in another ten years saying the same things?

OP have you ever spoken to your GP about how you feel?

Your DH, DM clearly are a big source of unhappiness, understandably.

But the way you talk about looking forward to going to sleep, sounds really similar to depression. There could be multiple issues going on here, so perhaps parking what must feel like a monumental task to leave for the timing being might help, and having a chat with your GP and, if you can afford it, a counsellor? The way you describe how you feel it sounds like there might be a bit more going on than "just" the appalling behaviour of your family (who, if there is, are no doubt part of the cause!)

It doesn't have to be all or nothing, tomorrow or never.

Well @Cornfieldrainbows, stay then. Give it another 13 years, that's only about a third of how long you've been on the planet.

And it's far easier than pulling up your big girl pants and doing something about it.

And when the DC are over 18, you'll stay because the DC/your Mum expects you too, then one day you r DH will be retired, and you won't and you'll still be doing the same. And you won't leave.

Take responsibility for what you want out of life.

OP, your anxiety is clouding everything. You really need to address that first because it is paralysing you.

Ending a marriage is hard. You will be poorer in the financial sense. In every other sense, not so much. My husband was an alcoholic and it was a different scenario, but once I started the process of ending the marriage, tough as it was, the sense of relief kicked in. And yes, I was poor and I struggled. I would still be poor if he hadn't been kind enough to die before the divorce came through so that I inherited everything. But it wouldn't have mattered, because the day after he left, my DD1 sang in the shower for the first time in years.

I hope so.
Because I don’t trust myself or my decisions I worry I will just be filled with regret whatever I do.
It’s the end of the holidays, days out etc. I probably won’t be able to afford those things for them. DH is on about taking them to Florida in two years. They’ll be lucky for a night in a travelodge with me. It feels hollow to me but these things matter to kids don’t they?

I don’t understand why it’s so much worse than it was a few years ago but it is.

Because your body is trying to tell you that you need to leave. And you aren’t listening. So the anxiety will continue to get worse.

You feel overwhelmed, understandably. So you need to take tiny, gentle, baby steps. As long as you are going in the right direction (away from your H).

Has your mum always had this attitude towards you? Or was she loving and supportive in the past?

You're seeing things in the most negative way possible right now. I wonder if you have some comorbid depression alongside your anxiety? Either way, you need to build yourself up - seek help for the anxiety/depression, include mechanisms for coping with your toxic and judgmental mother, then look into what you would be entitled to in a divorce. Your husband would have to pay maintenance and depending on your earnings, you might well be entitled to some befits to top up your income.

Florida is great, but most people can never afford it. What matters to kids is something you have input into. Back in the days when my marriage was good, we were broke a lot of the time - two kids in full time childcare, neither of us huge earners. My kids learned not to be materialistic and now as young adults still aren't. You get out what you put in. Some of our best weekends away which my DDs remember most fondly were utter cheapies.

@Cornfieldrainbows, and in 2 years time there might be another lockdown. You can't live of what-ifs.

Your kids will love you regardless of Disney holidays but they'd prefer you to be contented.

I think I’d be topped up to about £2200 with UC and I’ve just done child maintenance on DH’s earnings from last year and even if I put him in as having them three nights a week it says he has to pay me nearly £800. Is there right?! I thought basically if he had them 50% of the time he paid me nothing. Is it because he’s a high earner? I put in his total income - not just his salary, he gets income from shares - but I don’t know if it should just be salary?

Is the house owned? How much equity?

Does he have a pension?

You have the rights to proportion of these too

If he signed over the house to you, could you afford the repayment?

You can and must get out.

Your body is screaming at you

The anxiety won’t get better only worse and if you don’t do something about it your body will find a way to force you.

Your kids deserve to be raised by a mum who’s happy, it’s how they will learn to have healthy relationships themselves

It won’t always be so hard, your friends will help you too!

Deep breath, start lining up those ducks, start getting the numbers, facts and figures together so you have a teal picture in your head, not what your awful mother is telling you

If your dc came to you saying what you’re saying to us… would you tell them to suck it up? How would you ever sleep at night knowing your kid was feeling as desperately sad as you are right now

@Shuffleuplove

Your mum is a bitch.

This!

OP, if you want to leave him the. You should. It’s your life, you only get one and if you can avoid being miserable thanI say do it. You can take your time with it, you can leave him 6 months time, or a year or 6weeks or whatever is best for you. While you’re sorting that out, if your husband is a high earner you have the option of buying in help. Would your work day be more relaxed if the kids went to afterschool club or for a few hours so you wouldn’t have to work through your lunch break? Teach the 11year ild to load the dishwasher after dinner every night. That’s a totally reasonable chore for that age. Have you got a cleaner? Get one if you don’t. You’ll be doing your Dh a massive favour setting this stuff up anyway (he can pay) since he’ll need these things when you’re no longer washing his socks.

Yes, I’ve lost over two stone in two years. I feel too anxious to eat a lot of the time. I was about nine and a half stone to begin with so don’t have much leeway now.
House is in his name - no mortgage. I have no pension. He has quite a big private pension, he tends to put £30k plus in it annually.