I am so trapped

[Cornfieldrainbows]

I want to leave DH but despite me being unhappy for 17 years my mum is pushing hard for me to stay because of the dc. And probably because she doesn’t want the shame of a divorced child.

She said I chose to have the dc, now it doesn’t matter if I’m happy or not. I’m really struggling. I wake in the morning feeling like I cannot breathe. My heart is racing. I’m not sleeping well, waking about 4am, and I’m not eating.
My mum keeps telling me how heartbroken the dc will be, that I will be poor, that I could lose them 50% of the time and they would hate that. That I will have no time nor money to do anything with them. That I will still be unhappy because my dc will be so unhappy.
Her answer? I wait another 13 years for dc2 to be 18. In 13 years I will be 50 and so worn down that I will have given up, if I make it that far which is debatable tbh.
We’d have to go and stay with my parents if I left DH so there’s no way of avoiding her. I hear what she’s saying and I suppose she is right. It is deeply selfish not to stay for the dc, who are happy, doing well at school and generally very settled.
I married DH partly because she wanted me to and I was young. Have I got to pay for that decision forever? It seems I have.
I cannot see a way forwards anymore. I just feel trapped. DH is slightly controlling and I am squashed, I am not who I was when we married. I was 20. He was 30. I feel I’ve changed so much and I feel this awful disconnect all the time. My mum says it’s because of covid but I felt it before that, although covid hasn’t helped.
DH isn’t a very involved father currently and never has been. All of the mental load falls on me and most of the practical stuff too. Currently he has them on his own one evening a week when I go out but only after I’ve got youngest dc to bed. Oldest dc is 11 and so not as demanding. He’s never willingly taken any of it on and he’s watched me struggle with things like the fact dc1 didn’t sleep through until he was 4 and he never once gave me a night off. It’s always ‘they settle better for you.’
He works hard, he has a good job, he does love me and the dc but I consistently feel like a thing on his checklist of what he needs for a ‘perfect’ life. I don’t feel like a person in my own right. He says the right things, for example I’ve taken a more demanding role at work with more hours and he did a lot of ‘ill support you whatever you want to do’ before I accepted. I started four months ago and in that four months he’s not practically helped me with anything. He’s not done a single school run, he’s not done anything in the house. I run my day around the children, working through lunch, rushing around, fetching them, coming back and doing another hour or so at work. Everything falls on me. I had a small crying breakdown about two months ago and he said he’d help me but nothing has changed although we now get take out or eat out once a week so I don’t have to cook.
I’m no longer attracted to him and so rarely have sex unless there’s no other option to. But it is rare. Two years and counting.
My mum says so what. If I left him I would be doing it all on my own anyway, plus the dc would be upset, plus I would be poor, she thinks it would all be worse and maybe she is right. I feel so trapped and it makes me feel like giving up. I just want to go to bed and never get back up again. I am already on antidepressants. I want to get back to a place where I feel like me again and I don’t know how to do that. I do know it hasn’t always been as awful as this with DH, I think since dc2 was born and I had PND it’s got much much worse. Mainly because he carried on totally as normal and I was barely functioning. Again he didn’t ever give me a lie in or get up at night when they were a baby. The PND hit me like a brick and I will admit since then I’ve never felt well, I’ve always felt a background level of anxiety. I can think of maybe two or three occasions since I had dc2 five years ago where I’ve not felt anxious. Unfortunately it arrived when she did, like an unwelcome additional child.

My mum thinks that’s why I don’t want to be with DH, that I’ve not recovered from the birth of dc2. I can’t imagine now ever being the person I was before I had her. I cannot imagine ever feeling optimistic or happy or even just less anxious. I get up in the mornings and wait to go back to bed. The best time of my life is when I am asleep. I just struggle through the days putting a brave face on it. I am incredibly lonely.

I love my dc so much. I don’t want to transfer this awful feeling to them. I worry that in breaking their family I will break them. I worry that my mum is right, that I am not capable of managing this. My mum never thinks I am capable of anything. When I went for this job she told me I wouldn’t cope, my children would suffer with me working more hours and I was putting my job in front of them. I spent four years as a sahp after dc2. I work my hours around them as best I can. I do everything I can to mitigate any cost to them - and yet DH just gets to do whatever he wants.

Sorry that was really long. I’m feeling desperate this morning.

The courts won’t let children live in rental if one parent owns a house.

I left and was able to find somewhere to rent as my ex wouldn't leave the house (rented by us both). Are you working? Honestly, I am so glad I did it. I was like you: anxious, down.

Our child is glad we don't live together.

@Cornfieldrainbows

I feel so guilty about DH and the dc. Unbelievably guilty. I feel like I’m walking around to ruin their lives.

Do you really look at parents who have split up and think 'they have ruined their children's lives'?

If not, stop applying it to yourself.

If yes, you're wrong because being forced to live under the same roof as parents who don't have a normal, healthy and loving relationship is fucking miserable and sets children up for a lifetime of adult relationship issues. Trust me!

Again, do you look at other people who split up and really think 'they've ruined their children's lives'?

In addition to getting legal advice, I agree with the poster who suggested having some counseling. Your Mum isn’t giving you good advice and even friends will have their own biases, plus it’s sometimes hard to tell even close friends everything (I find that anyway, I don’t want to worry or burden friends with my problems too much). With a counselor, you can talk everything through and tell them exactly how you feel. It may help you to clarify the way forward in your own mind-at the very least, you can get it all out. Sending you lots of 💐.

Just came on to say I'm in a very similar situation but with 1 child who isn't even 2. The thought of being away from my child 50% of the time is unbearable and my husband will not be amicable and make life difficult. Currently I've decided to stay and try to avoid husband and live my own life but it's not working. Taking a toll on my mental health. Not sure how much longer I can do this. Best of luck!

I hear that heavenleee
It’s where I’ve been for a really long time.

@Cornfieldrainbows

I won’t be able to stay here because DH won’t leave. If I could stay here then it would be much easier but I have to bear in mind he won’t want to split. It’s a bit much to instigate it and then demand the house.

You'd have half the house money. You could buy something else. Please don't stay. You sound so sad.

I think if I do end up leaving, it will be when I am 100% confident in my decision which sadly may take many years but at least I won't look back thinking perhaps I should've stayed. Also I note you married because your Mom wanted you to. Are you from a different culture because that can add even more pressure to your situation?

heavenleeee

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I would urge you to make the break sooner rather than later. What you are trying is not working and your children will be emotionally harmed by they seeing you as their mum being abused by their dad. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They are not going to say thank you to you for staying with him. Your mental health is important and he will continue to mess with your head as long as you and he remain together. This is no relationship model to be showing your children. Decent men and fathers do not abuse the mother of their children.

Many abusive men shout about, threaten or otherwise demand 50/50 as a further way of keeping you, their possession, in line. They use this because it’s an effective tactic and it’s the woman’s Achilles heel. In your case you likely do the vast amount of everything to do with the children with your H hardly bothering with them at all. These men HATE women, ALL of them and in particular their own mother.

Do not do this to yourself and your children. If you can go to Boots and ask for ANI their staff can direct you to domestic violence support services.

You may feel trapped and he would certainly like you to think you are but you are more powerful than you realise. I would also urge you to seek legal advice, you are married to this man and have rights in law. Exercise those fully and reclaim your life. Knowledge here too is power.

He will not let go of you easily and will remain abusive towards you after separation. But that does not mean to say you should not divorce him
because you absolutely should do so.

Hi, are you from an Asian background, is that why your mum is talking about being ashamed

OP I could have written your post. I was you 10 years ago. A mother who was selfish abusive and toxic and was only happy if I was miserable, and a husband who was exact the same.

I was worried id lose all the money I put into the house, thanks the the housing price crash of 2007, that if be forced to sell and move. My mother used to message me to tell me to take him back etc.

Let me now tell you what happened. I divorced him. I got the house. I was single for a few years and was genuinely very happy. I met now DH and am now also very happy :)

He will move out OP. A court wouldn't expect you to uproot the children, as their primary carer. He's not going to like it but chances are you'll get the house and you should.

Go see a solicitor. Hold your nerve. Picture life on the other side and don't ever doubt it's possible just because you've convinced yourself you don't deserve it. You do. Good luck. You can do this

@Cornfieldrainbows

I won’t be able to stay here because DH won’t leave. If I could stay here then it would be much easier but I have to bear in mind he won’t want to split. It’s a bit much to instigate it and then demand the house.

Demand the house?

OP, you are a victim of abuse.

If you divorce this nasty lazy man that undoubtedly targeted you, with the help of your shocking excuse of a mother, you are entitled to 50% of that house.

That is the law.

You are ground down by a lifetime of abuse.

You need to see if you can save yourself from this awful life.

You are worth saving.

Not sure why your mum is telling you you don't deserve happiness.
And not sure why you're listening to her?
If my mum said those things, I'd think "fuck that shit" and never speak to her about the topic again. It's really not her business unless she wants to support you.

Is your mum saying she wants you to be miserable? It sounds more like she doesn’t want you and your family living with them for an extended period?

OP even if he won’t leave the house you are entitled to at least half of the value of it, Plus you will be entitled to maintenance.
So if you rent you’ll have a huge pot of money sat in the bank from the house sale.

Please go and see a solicitor and find out what you’d be entitled to. If you have facts and figures you’ll feel much better about making a decision.

doesn’t want the shame of a divorced child

The Queen has three divorced children, your mum can get over herself.

Is your Mum worried she might have to step up and help you ?
My Mum has always been a very "absent" Mum, l cannot rely on her at all.

Your mum is selfish and unsupportive.

The children would be upset at first but they get over it. Children are resilient. They are plenty of children who have separated parents and do absolutely fine.

Being a single mother and doing everything yourself is very different from doing everything yourself while your partner and your childrens father does fuck all while you live with him.
Watching your partner leave everything to you and take the piss out of you is a lot different from doing it on your own as a single parent.

I'd put your mother straight..13 years is a long fucking time. Leave the bastard and start a new life with your children.

@FetchezLaVache

doesn’t want the shame of a divorced child

The Queen has three divorced children, your mum can get over herself.

Brilliant!

Will go back and read the rest of the posts, but my initial comment will be:

Your mother is a jerk!

You're an adult. Stop listening to your mum and doing what she tells you to!

The only way to know for sure where you stand financially is to SEE A SOLICITOR

You keep saying oh he won't leave the house - he may not get to decide that.

Find out where you stand.
You are married and will be entitled to a share of the house, pension, shares etc. It's family money.

Also - stop listening to your mother. It's not the fucking 1950s. Women do actually have rights these days

So sorry for how you're feeling OP.

Your mum is unsupportive and is wildly projecting her OWN fears onto you about coping. Yes, there will be challenges and obstacles but you could cope if you had support. It sounds like you receive neither practical nor emotional support from either your husband or mother.

Sit down with your husband and lay it on the line for him: he needs to put his money where his mouth is, support is action not just a word. You're struggling and if he doesn't step up within the next month you're seriously considering your future together. Tell your mother her words are not helping your mental health and to keep quiet if she can't be supportive. Perhaps sign up for counselling to get to the root of some of this and to look at your PND too.

If you do separate, your husband will have to share childcare so you will get some time to yourself and, in time, you will adapt and cope as your kids know you love them. Good luck!

Op, many years ago I was with a man that made me very unhappy. I had a young daughter. This man caused me a massive decline in my mental health. Anxiety and depression. It got worse and worse and then one day my body had enough and I had a mental breakdown. I couldn't parent my daughter properly during this time because I could barely move and speak. I lost all sense of reality. I was numb to everything. It was horrendous. It took me a long time to claw myself out of that place. My journey to better mental health started by removing this man from my life.

There is only so long you can go on suffering before your body hits burnout. I turned down the anti depressants from the doctors because I knew that it was him causing it. I knew I would be better without him around. Getting rid of him was my cure.

Next time your Mum says anything about your situation it might be worth asking her if she would rather see a decline in her own daughters mental health for the sake of keeping up appearances.

Morning Op,

First of all, well done for doing the maths - this is a really important step. You now have valuable information. You know you can afford to live on those sums. You might not be able to go to Florida but that literally is just two weeks out of your life.

Your children will benefit so much from living with a Mum not weighed down by anxiety and unhappiness.

I think you should try to listen to your gut rather than your head. This is the core of you. Your head will often confuse you with conflicting thoughts. This results in you feeling you can’t trust your judgement. Try to put that to one side.

I think you know what your gut is saying. Leave. Maybe not right now. But leave. Can you start saving some of your own earnings? I note you don’t have access to the joint account. This is financial abuse. Is this something you can change? Even if your husband doesn’t pull his weight in the house, if you had more access to funds, you could start by making some changes eg cleaner, get a counsellor, Hello Fresh boxes to save shopping.

I don’t mean these changes to be a means to stay in the marriage. Just some practical changes to give you respite and to save precious energy.

Can you take a week of work and go away on your own to clear your head, sleep, practice self care? Your mother sounds awful but would she be prepared to look after your children for that time. You don’t need to say the truth to her, just say you mentally have burnt out and need some space. Sorry if this is a bad suggestion.

What l am trying to say is that you need to approach this as training for a marathon. Plan, prepare, build up resources.

You could have ‘the talk’ with your husband. It probably won’t change much long term but at least you have told him how unhappy you are.
I sent mine a long email with ‘conditions’. He wrote back promising to meet them. When l finally left, he developed a narrative that l had done it out of the blue. But l have the email and his response as evidence and l did remind him of this when l left.

Keep posting on here for support and strength xx