I am so trapped

[Cornfieldrainbows]

I want to leave DH but despite me being unhappy for 17 years my mum is pushing hard for me to stay because of the dc. And probably because she doesn’t want the shame of a divorced child.

She said I chose to have the dc, now it doesn’t matter if I’m happy or not. I’m really struggling. I wake in the morning feeling like I cannot breathe. My heart is racing. I’m not sleeping well, waking about 4am, and I’m not eating.
My mum keeps telling me how heartbroken the dc will be, that I will be poor, that I could lose them 50% of the time and they would hate that. That I will have no time nor money to do anything with them. That I will still be unhappy because my dc will be so unhappy.
Her answer? I wait another 13 years for dc2 to be 18. In 13 years I will be 50 and so worn down that I will have given up, if I make it that far which is debatable tbh.
We’d have to go and stay with my parents if I left DH so there’s no way of avoiding her. I hear what she’s saying and I suppose she is right. It is deeply selfish not to stay for the dc, who are happy, doing well at school and generally very settled.
I married DH partly because she wanted me to and I was young. Have I got to pay for that decision forever? It seems I have.
I cannot see a way forwards anymore. I just feel trapped. DH is slightly controlling and I am squashed, I am not who I was when we married. I was 20. He was 30. I feel I’ve changed so much and I feel this awful disconnect all the time. My mum says it’s because of covid but I felt it before that, although covid hasn’t helped.
DH isn’t a very involved father currently and never has been. All of the mental load falls on me and most of the practical stuff too. Currently he has them on his own one evening a week when I go out but only after I’ve got youngest dc to bed. Oldest dc is 11 and so not as demanding. He’s never willingly taken any of it on and he’s watched me struggle with things like the fact dc1 didn’t sleep through until he was 4 and he never once gave me a night off. It’s always ‘they settle better for you.’
He works hard, he has a good job, he does love me and the dc but I consistently feel like a thing on his checklist of what he needs for a ‘perfect’ life. I don’t feel like a person in my own right. He says the right things, for example I’ve taken a more demanding role at work with more hours and he did a lot of ‘ill support you whatever you want to do’ before I accepted. I started four months ago and in that four months he’s not practically helped me with anything. He’s not done a single school run, he’s not done anything in the house. I run my day around the children, working through lunch, rushing around, fetching them, coming back and doing another hour or so at work. Everything falls on me. I had a small crying breakdown about two months ago and he said he’d help me but nothing has changed although we now get take out or eat out once a week so I don’t have to cook.
I’m no longer attracted to him and so rarely have sex unless there’s no other option to. But it is rare. Two years and counting.
My mum says so what. If I left him I would be doing it all on my own anyway, plus the dc would be upset, plus I would be poor, she thinks it would all be worse and maybe she is right. I feel so trapped and it makes me feel like giving up. I just want to go to bed and never get back up again. I am already on antidepressants. I want to get back to a place where I feel like me again and I don’t know how to do that. I do know it hasn’t always been as awful as this with DH, I think since dc2 was born and I had PND it’s got much much worse. Mainly because he carried on totally as normal and I was barely functioning. Again he didn’t ever give me a lie in or get up at night when they were a baby. The PND hit me like a brick and I will admit since then I’ve never felt well, I’ve always felt a background level of anxiety. I can think of maybe two or three occasions since I had dc2 five years ago where I’ve not felt anxious. Unfortunately it arrived when she did, like an unwelcome additional child.

My mum thinks that’s why I don’t want to be with DH, that I’ve not recovered from the birth of dc2. I can’t imagine now ever being the person I was before I had her. I cannot imagine ever feeling optimistic or happy or even just less anxious. I get up in the mornings and wait to go back to bed. The best time of my life is when I am asleep. I just struggle through the days putting a brave face on it. I am incredibly lonely.

I love my dc so much. I don’t want to transfer this awful feeling to them. I worry that in breaking their family I will break them. I worry that my mum is right, that I am not capable of managing this. My mum never thinks I am capable of anything. When I went for this job she told me I wouldn’t cope, my children would suffer with me working more hours and I was putting my job in front of them. I spent four years as a sahp after dc2. I work my hours around them as best I can. I do everything I can to mitigate any cost to them - and yet DH just gets to do whatever he wants.

Sorry that was really long. I’m feeling desperate this morning.

A lot of people in this situation don't have a mother's house to go to or a mother to speak to. If your mother didn't exist what would you do? Would you stay forever or would you leave? And if you leave what other option would there be than to stay with your parents? There is always a way, I'm not going to say it going to be easy but the possibility of something better is always better than living without it. There is nothing as soul destroying as a life without hope.

I don’t think we could both stay in the house but I could be wrong.

Stop telling your mum things. Let's talk financial aspects. Do you own or rent? Could you afford to stay?

OP - lots of us here have been awake at 4am doing the same mental gymnastics. And many of us are waking up today single and thriving.
I found this really helpful - the full text is here:

therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

"Doing what one wants to do because one wants to do it is hard for a lot of people, but I think it’s particularly hard for women. We are, after all, the gender onto which a giant Here-to-Serve button has been eternally pinned. We’re expected to nurture and give by the very virtue of our femaleness, to consider other people’s feelings and needs before our own. I’m not opposed to those traits. The people I most admire are in fact nurturing and generous and considerate. Certainly, an ethical and evolved life entails a whole lot of doing things one doesn’t particularly want to do and not doing things one very much does, regardless of gender.

But an ethical and evolved life also entails telling the truth about oneself and living out that truth.

Leaving a relationship because you want to doesn’t exempt you from your obligation to be a decent human being. You can leave and still be a compassionate friend to your partner. Leaving because you want to doesn’t mean you pack your bags the moment there’s strife or struggle or uncertainty. It means that if you yearn to be free of a particular relationship and you feel that yearning lodged within you more firmly than any of the other competing and contrary yearnings are lodged, your desire to leave is not only valid, but probably the right thing to do. Even if someone you love is hurt by that."

Wishing you the best of luck OP. Whether you go now or go later, you'll be OK.

Seek legal advice re divorce from Solicitor and set proceedings in motion. Do not discuss anything with your mother. She is only interested in her own needs and will continue to throw you under the bus. She has caused you a lot of emotional harm.

Given your husband’s behaviours towards you anyway living under the same roof is impossible going forward. Your children as well as you deserve better from life. Your mother and he are two of the same kind.

Your mother is wrong. Mine was the same - it's really odd, they can't seem to handle the fact that their daughters have choices they didn't have. Jealousy I guess, internalised misogyny from growing up in the fifties.

Anyway, own experience - my dc aren't devastated, their lives aren't ruined, on the contrary.

I'm not sure why you're saying you're the one who would leave the house?

This sounds like me. Although I did not tell anyone . But I put up with it as I did not want to break up my family , upset the kids . And if you told somebody that you wanted to leave because he doesn't help in the house , I would probaly get the same answers to your mother's .
It is the lack of consideration, the caring about your well being , dismissiveness of your contribution , superiority attitude of HIS job , his place in the unit that is soul destroying and makes you feel as bad as you do. I also had PND that made things even more difficult , but again that was dismissed. So I struggled on , being the good wife, but so resentful underneath.
Fast forward to now , I am 60 and alone. The kids are in their 20s and moving on.The BIG JOB that he had meant that he worked away where he gave himself permission to be unfaithful . And I discovered it and could not tolerate him any longer . But oh , I am so bitter about my wasted years being unhappy. Don't be me.
However , while I still think you should leave , I would urge you to consider therapy first. Make him realise that this is a deal breaker for you and unless it changes , you want to seperate . Then you can tell yourself ( and your mother ) that you did give him an opportunity .
It is not an easy decision to make and divorce is painful but you have only one life and try to make sure you don't end up with too many regrets .

Op I could have written this 6 months ago, a different situation with my husband who is an alcoholic, so maybe that made it easier in the end to really know I was doing the right thing for my children. And I do have a family that is very supportive.

I do however recognise the thoughts and feelings your experiencing. I suppose what it comes down to is the relief you feel once you make the decision. I got a lot of strength from here, reading others experiences, and advice they were given.

I felt totally and utterly overwhelmed and did think would it be better to live as separately as possible but carry on in our marriage, my husband is the main bread winner, I have a small part job I adore but it pays a pittance, I don't want to disrupt the children's lives, with them moving home/schools or missing out on there hobbies because I just can't afford them anymore.....but unequivocally it absolutely isn't worth it.

Read the relationship boards, you will find streams of adults saying they wished their parents had divorced/ or things were so much better when they finally did.
I haven't ever seen anyone say I'm glad my unhappy parents stayed together.

You poor mum is living in the past and subjecting you to its stringent social rules.
Do one small thing a day, quietly work away on your finances, get advice from a solicitor if you can afford to, I just used Google a lot. I still have no idea what I'm doing, I don't know where I'll be in a year but I'll tell you I am a billion times better off now I've finally got him out of the house.

You only have this one life... use the fear and get out if that's what you need to do.

Divorce your mum.

Your mother has her life, she doesn’t get to have two lives and you none.

for all the replies.
I am so anxious this morning I don’t know what to do with myself. Ironically I work in mental health so now I’m going to spend my day with people telling me how anxious they are.
There is no let up at the moment to any of it. I cannot see even a slight ray of light.

I worry my mum is right. That I will break up with DH and then EVERYTHING will horribly fall apart. She did the whole - he’ll meet someone else and she’ll be horrible to the dc.

I feel I’ve no choice but to stay. How can I live with the guilt? But then thinking of staying makes me just want to give up now.

Would you rather your dc had no mum because you've given up? Then the wicked new step mother would have them anyway. Op STOP LISTENING TO YOUR MUM. She is wrong! Listen to your friends and leave. Living in a horrible relationship is an utterly miserable life and not something you want to model to your dc. It is in their best interests to leave and for you to be happy. Please be happy.

@Cornfieldrainbows I am sure your anxiety - or at least the majority of it - comes from the situation you are in. It is soul destroying. I had the exact same panic and anxiety when forcing myself to stay with my ex DH. Breathe. You have choices. We are not living in the 50s any more which is clearly where your mother still is. You will not fall apart. You will rebuild yourself again. What kind of life are you living now wanting to curl up into a ball in bed. That is NO LIFE - neither for you or your kids.

Now breathe.

Stop listening to your DM and start listening to these amazing women here who have been there and done it. We have all come through stronger and happier and the kids are fine.

First thing is to speak to a solicitor in confidence about your financial rights. But you sound like you have a GREAT JOB! You will be fine. Totally fine. I also work full time in a demanding job and left my Ex. And he doesn’t even earn that much so doesn’t contribute much. Your DH will have to contribute too.

Please please listen to your heart. The anxiety is coming because you are ignoring it.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way OP, it sounds awful. I’m sure some things would be difficult if you split up- there would be less money, time etc, but you wouldn’t have this crushingly unhappy relationship with a lazy man dragging you down. Your mum should support you and shouldn’t want you to stay when you are so miserable- it’s not like you’ve had a little tiff, you’ve been hugely unhappy for so long with a controlling, lazy man who takes advantage and doesn’t support you. Your kids will cope and adapt, and will see their mum being brave and strong enough to change something that makes her unhappy.

I hope you manage to find the strength, and I hope your mum pulls her head out of her backside and supports you. Take care.

Your mother is entirely out of touch and doesn't seem to care for your happiness at all. You are a person a being who deserves happiness fulfilment and love-you are not only a wife mother and employee here to serve.

I left my ex. I found a rental and furnished it whilst still living with him and then told him one evening and left. Ridiculously stressful and sly-and i live with that guilt today. But there was honestly no other way.

The first year was honestly the worst year of my life. Due to stress and illness and his lashing out. There were some amazing
Moments of freedom and independence too. I was broke-but free. But every year since has been good. So, my advice would be to dig deep and hold your nerve for a year. It all takes time to settle.

My DC were fine. The odd moment. And initial shock. But fundamentally in their being they are loved and safe and they know it.

I was the child of unhappily married parents who didn't split up and should have. It has had a big effect on my life and i am still in therapy now. Unhappy but together parents did not make me feel safe or loved. And it made me feel very responsible to each of them because they were not to each other. Your children know! They might be relieved. Can you imagine how they will treat you as teenager and their future partners if you continue to demonstrate their fathers behaviour as acceptable?

Please stop listening to your Mum. She is not only unbelievably unsupportive but she is selfish, manipulative and is actively damaging your mental health.

Your kids will be much happier if you are happy. Your husband is a lazy, selfish arse and you will have options. You say your friends all tell you to leave; can you ask them for some help and real-life support to take the first steps?

You cannot continue to live like this. Not should you. You deserve much better.

Screw your mum and screw your husband. You don't owe either of them a thing.

I left my husband at the start of the year. Our daughter wasn't yet one. He'd been emotionally and financially abusive for months, if not years. I was still on maternity leave, I had no energy, barely left the house, had put on weight and completely stopped making an effort with myself.

Things got better for me remarkably quickly. Even though my life is now very busy I have the energy to do it all and I know I'm doing it for ME - I'm cooking for myself and cleaning up for myself, not because a grown man thinks I'm here to pick up his socks and feed him. I look years younger and the weight has dropped off. Financially it's been fine even though I'm not a high earner.

There is help out there. It truly isn't as scary as you think. I was so worried even about what people would say but it isn't a big deal to anyone else and everyone has been very understanding. I've found some women have even been almost envious that I could make that decision to go it alone. People won't think badly of you.

@cauliflowerkorma ditto with my parents. They stayed together and still are. Horrible relationship. Made me and my siblings very unhappy as kids. Actually my DS still says she failed her exams over it.

Your mum is toxic.

What if you left and were happier? What if your children relaxed more because their mum was happy? What if you absolutely relished your freedom? What if you love being a little family of three, on your own schedule? What if you never miss all the shit you have in your life right now?

So many of us had so many doubts that came to absolutely nothing.

So many of us only wish we’d done it sooner.

So many of us have never looked back.

The thing is I’ve got a two beautiful children, a husband who holds down a job and isn’t alcoholic or physically abusive. A reasonable house.
Would I be crazy to throw it away? It should be enough.

I don’t trust my judgement anymore.

@Cornfieldrainbows - fast forward 25/30 years. Your son or daughter comes to you and they are in exactly the same unhappy wretched place that you are now. Would you tell them then what your mother is telling you now? Your mother has her own agenda but it sure as fuck isn't in your best interests. Talk to a solicitor. Do NOT tell your mother anything. She is not on your side.

Ignore your mum. It's your life, not hers. Surround yourself with supportive friends and leave your h if that's what you want - and it sounds like it is.

Your mum should be more concerned about how you're feeling.

Are you planning to move in with your mum after the divorce, or what does she have to do with it?

My mum keeps telling me how heartbroken the dc will be, that I will be poor, that I could lose them 50% of the time and they would hate that. That I will have no time nor money to do anything with them. That I will still be unhappy because my dc will be so unhappy.
Wow, she's a ray of sunshine, isn't she? No wonder you're anxious if you grew up with this kind of nonsense. What was your childhood like OP? A happy family dream?

My mum divorced when I was 4 and it was sad as I didn't see as much of my dad (no 50:50 for me - why is that bad? It would have been great!) but I got used to it. She remarried the loveliest man you've ever met, had more children and prospered. My dad married a woman I now chat to more often than I do to him :)

I divorced when the kids were mid-teens. Only my exh could afford to take over the house. We came to an arrangement whereby I stayed in the house until the youngest was 18, then I moved out and he moved back in. Worked out well.

My bf split up with his wife when their dd was 4. The two of them have her 50:50 so she gets to see both parents every week. She seems happy and well adjusted, very sociable. I met him a few years later, no plans to move in together, I visit when she's at her mum's so don't disturb her time with her dad.

Half of marriages end in divorce: it's not massively dramatic, weird or shameful. Just a very everyday occurence.